Incorrect Lams Quotes 43
idk what to say lmaO
enjoy jully 🥺
LAURENS207
***
John: I. Am. InvincaaaaaBLE-
John: *breaks foot tripping on the rug*
***
[the family going hiking]
Alex: It's beautiful out here-
John: And quiet-
John: Too quiet-
Alex: Did we lose someone?
[cut to Frances with a bear in a headlock]
***
John: *is struggling with a can*
Alex: You need some help with that?
John: Yes actually-
John: *hands Alex the can* Please-
Alex: *sighs and takes the pringles out of the pringle can*
John: Bless your little hands-
***
Timmy: Can you check for monsters under the bed?
John: The monsters don't live under our beds, they live inside of us-
Timmy:
John: Goodnight-
***
Angie: *drawing a pentagram on the floor*
Alex: What are you doing?
Angie: You told me to satanize the house-
Alex: I SAID SANITIZE-
***
John: When I was your age we didn't even had cellphones-
Frances: Yeah but you had stuff we don't have-
Philip: Like dinosaurs and Moses-
***
Jimmy: Our daughters's diets are all organic. Only the best foods for growing girls-
John: I think Timmy ate a stale tater tot off the floor the other day-
***
John: I can't wait to be Healthy! I'm gonna shop at fresh thyme and the farmers market and prep all my meals with Whole Grains and Superfoods and be So Well Adjusted!
Also John: French frie. Ffremch frys. In my belly RIGHT Now-
***
Tracking service, as helpful as possible: Your order is out for delivery! It should arrive by 8 PM today!
Alex, sitting by the door at 8:12 AM: P a k i g e-
Alex opening the door anytime he hears a noise outside despite it being 10 AM: B ö x?
Alex: E n v e l ö ö p?
***
Alex : Can you watch my coat while I go to the bathroom?
John: Sure, but do you think having a guy you don't know watch your coat is a good idea?
Alex: I saw you mouth all the words to that Taylor Swift song and figured you were harmless-
John:
John: Fair enough-
***
Alex: You forgot to do something babe-
John: *kisses him*
John: There, now let's sleep-
Alex: Nice try. Now do the dishes-
John: :(
***
John: HELP I TOLD ALEX I'D COOK DINNER TONIGHT BUT I CAN'T COOK-
Philip, pouring milk directly into the cereal bag: And you thought I could help?
***
Alex: Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always-
John: Yesterday you pushed me down the stairs because I'm taller than you-
Alex: Exactly. That's my battle. So be kind-
***
[Alex and John arriving at a hotel]
Receptionist: Two queens?
Alex: Yes, and we'll need a king-size-
Receptionist:
***
[when they first started dating]
Alex: I'm so happy I could kiss you!
John: Ahhh...neat!
[later]
John, lying face down on his bed: I said "neat". Who says neat these days? It's not neat to say neat, but I said it anyway because I'm stupiD-
Eleanor, reading: Don't beat yourself up too much baby. Everyone gets nervous sometimes. Remember what happened when your father confessed to me?
John: Didn't you thank him?
Eleanor, closing the book and staring at the ceiling: I thanked him-
***
Timmy in a high voice, holding a Barbie doll: "Hey Ken! I was thinking about going back to school and starting a career!"
Angie in a deep voice, holding a Ken doll: "Nonsense Barbie. You're staying home and having my kids."
Alex: Hey sweethearts, what game are you playing?
Angie: Systemic Oppression-
Alex:
***
[texting]
John: hey babe im having trouble getting the microwave to work again
Alex: ok, send me a picture and i'll help
John: *sends a selfie*
Alex: ...of the microwave babe
***
John: I am perfectly capable of controlling my emotions-
Alex: Yesterday you cried for an hour because Koda smiled at you-
John, in tears: You should have seen it, it was so cute-
Alex:
***
John: I am my own person-
John: I listen to no one-
John: I make the rules-
John: What I say goes-
Alex: Babe come here for a sec!
John:
John: F i n e-
***
Alex, completely drunk and pointing at John: That's my boyfriend suckeRs-
John: Your husband Lex-
Alex: My husband! E V E N B E T T E R-
***
Alex: I can't believe we got locked in together!
John, trying to swallow the key: Yes, most unfortunate-
***
John: You can't make everyone like you. You're not Koda-
Alex, jokingly: Yeah, you aren't as adorable as him-
Philip: Not everyone likes Koda though-
John:
Alex:
Alex: Who doesn't like him?
Philip: No one, I just-
John: We need nAmEs Pip-
***
[Alex sleeping on top of John]
Alex, sleepily: Mmm...
John: Oh good morning babe, can you move? You'be been asleep for 3 hours and I need to use the bathroom-
Alex: Wha- Why didn't you wake me up?
John:
John, confused: You were asleeP-
Alex: BUT YOU NEEDED THE BATHROOM-
John, even more confused: YOU NEEDED TO SLEEP WHY ARE WE YELLIN G-
***
[John having coffee for the first time]
Alex: You got yourself a coffee?
John: Yeah. Double espresso-
Alex : A double espresso?
John: Well you're one who's telling me to like- try new things all the time-
Alex: Yeah but I meant like vegetables or riding a bike, you've never had caffeine before, I-
John: Don't get in a state. I only drank half of it-
Alex: Oh thank go-
John: Philip drank the other half-
Alex:
Alex: You let Philip drink a double espresso???
Philip, eyes bloodshot, jumping up and down a table: It tasted horrible to begin with, but then I added five spoonfuls of sugar and now I feel all zingy zangy zongY-
Alex: Zingy. Zangy. Zongy-
Philip: I feel like lightning!
Alex: Oh my goD-
***
Alex: So you're suggesting clowns are aliens sent to prepare for the inevitable clown invasion leading to Clownageddon?
John, with absolute certainty: Yes-
***
John: If we shouldn't eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge? Huh?
***
John, after Alex comes back from the store: Where were you? You were gone for 4 hours! I know, because I sang All Star 86 times-
***
John: Is that my hoodie?
Alex, literally drowning in the hoodie: NO-
***
John: I'm sick of everyone telling me I'm cute, from now on I will only feel one emotion to prove them wrong and it's anger-
Alex: Last night you texted me a bunch of heart emojis-
John: Out of anger-
***
Timmy: I have a goldfish named Rainbow-
Alex: That's nice. Why'd you pick that name?
Timmy: Because it changes color every two weeks
[later]
Alex: John what did you do to Timmy's goldfish??
John: It died okay??! What else was I supposed to do??
Alex: Maybe get one of the same color???
***
John: ALEX-
Alex: JOHN-
John: ALEX-
Alex: JOHN-
Frances: SHUT UP ITS 4 AM-
Philip: What are you even screaming about?
John: Alex went to the bathroom and I need to know he's still alive-
***
Alex: Of course I have a lot of pent up rage you fool I've been the same height since I was 12-
***
Jimmy: Is John here?
Alex: Uh you know what-
John: *throws himself through a window*
Alex: He just left-
***
[when they started dating]
Alex: It's been 15 minutes and John still hasn't texted me back. I'm kinda getting nervous, what if he's hurt?
Eliza: Just give him some time, I'm sure he's fine-
[meanwhile]
John: *struggling to spell gorgeous*
***
John: Great. My weather app won't update. Now how am I supposed to know if I need a jacket or not?
Alex: You could just step outside and see-
John: What am I? A barbarian?
***
Alex: Why are you knocking on the fridge?
John: Because there might be a salad dressing-
Alex: Oh my god-
***
John: "Beware of dog", they say. Of course I will be aware of the dog. I love dogs. I am aware of all dogs-
***
Alex: Who spilled orange juice in the kitchen?
Philip: Not me-
Frances: Not me-
Angie: Not me-
Timmy: Not me-
Alex: So the orange juice spilled itself?
John: I never did trust orange juice-
***
John: *hugs Alex from behind*
John: *softly tucks Alex's hair behind his ear*
John: *whispering* Eat all the frosted animal cookies again and we're don E-
***
Alex: What's your favorite horror movie? Mine's It-
Frances: Poltergeist-
Philip: The Conjuring-
John: High School Musical. After watching it I spent a whole year at school terrified that the entire school would start singing something and I'd be the only one who didn't know the lyrics and choreography-
***
John: What are you doing today?
Alex: Living the thug life-
John: Laundry?
Alex: Yeah-
***
Alex, in an existential crisis: What is the meaning of life, what is life, what makes us alive, what is love?
John, who had selective hearing: Baby don't hurt me-
***
Bạn đang đọc truyện trên: Truyen247.Pro