omg we're almost at 40- that's so crazy-
hope u like them jully 🥺
LAURENS207

***

Alex: Do you hold any grudges?
John: *thinks about the list he made of everyone who forgot to tell him happy birthday* No-

***

Frances: Do you even know what an amulet is?
John: Of course I do! I eat amulets sometimes. I like the ones with cheese and onions!
Alex: John those are omelettes-
John: Oh. Then I've got nothing-

***

John: I don't follow rules. I follow dogs on social media-

***

John: My life is an endless cycle of pain and loss-
Alex: Uh...you okay?
John: I had milk in the fridge but the fridge wasn't plugged in and my milk went bad and now I have no milk-

***

John: Who's Granny Smith and where's she getting all of these apples-
Alex: Fun fact! Granny Smith is named after marea am smift frugh huh dibrack blarn eat showegh whale snert yargh hugh mort B
b
hhngh... .. .. .... ... . ..
j
John: Each day I learn some more! :) Thank you for the share-

***

Alex, who drinks tea: Unlike you filthy disgusting creatures, I only drink green chamomile peppermint raspberry lemon tea, which makes all my insides glow 10 times brighter and improve. I can feel my body get healthier by every drink I take of my delicious hot mug of TEA. You're absolutely disgusting and a waste of human potential-
John, who drinks coffee: Hhhnng lov those beans-
John: I am unimaginably powerful. I can see through time. I haven't slept in four days but who needs sleep when you are on a higher plane of existence. The beans are in my soul, they are in my heart. I /AM/ the beans. Soon I will vibrate at the harmonic resonance of the universe and transcend-
Alex: HHHHHHHHHHHot leaf juice-
Frances, who drinks soda: Death is coming. Death is coming. Pass me a hotdog-
Philip, who drinks energy drinks: *just the kill bill sirens playing on repeat for eternity*

***

Alex: There is no difference between Coke, Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Sprite, Ginger Ale, Root Beer, Mountain Dew, all of them. They're all exactly the same-
John: Hohoho! Comparing these other drinks to ginger ale is like sticking you hand in a blender! Because in both situations...heh, you'll know soon enough-
Alex: Hi John- thanks for your comment on my post. Except, no thanks. Your heart will stop beating at 9:10 PM EST on 4/30/2021. Make the best of your remaining time - Alex
John: I got rid of my heart twenty five years ago to make room (for ginger ale). Do not fear though friend! Your reckoning will soon be upon you!
Angie: I am witnessing a conversation between two gods-

***

Alex: Are you decent-
John: Not morally. But I'm wearing pants if that's what you're asking-

***

Alex, reading from a sign: It says here "Dogs Without Leashes Will Be Fined $100"-
John, with tears in his eyes: tHeY dOn't hAvE tHaT kiNd oF mOnE Y-

***

Alex: Jesus Christ is that a gremlin?
Frances: No. I'm a third grader-
Alex: Whatever just no one feed that thing after midnight-

***

John: *about to hit a tree*
Alex: To the left!
John: Take it back now y'all-
John: *hits the tree straight on*

***

Alex: What're you smiling about-
John: Nothing-
John's head: Tutant meenage neetle teetles

***

John: Take me away boys!
[the government agents drag him into the shadows]

***

John: Conflict and war is the crucible through which we evolve-
John: *eats Alex's leftovers and puts the empty container in Koda's bed*

***

John: Oh I know where this is going!
Alex, appearing next to him during a freeze frame: John had absolutely no idea where this was going. Saying he did was but a ruse to make them seem more intelligent and likable. To be fair, John didn't know where most things were going most of the time-

***

John: I had the cops called on me the other night-
Eleanor: Oh my god baby what'd you do?!
John: I was singing Toxic by Brittany Spears so loud that the neighbors thought I was being murdered-

***

Alex: Alright you do know that there's no actual candy mountain right-
Philip: Shun the non believer!
Frances: SHUUUUNNN!
Angie: SHUUUUNNN!!!

***

Alex: Ok so the gingerbread house instructions say to be very delicate-
John, holding a power drill: D E L I C A T E ! ! !

***

Everyone: Say it again! Who's a man among men? Who's a super success? Don't you know? Can't you guess? Ask his fans and his five hangers-on! There's just one dog in town who's got all of it down...
John: And his name's K-O-..D... I believe there's another D... It just occurred to me that I'm illiterate and I've never actually had to spell it out loud before...
Everyone: KODA!

***

Alex: Visualize the ocean-
John: *HORRIFIED SCREECHING*
Alex: A calm ocean-
John: Oh-

***

Alex: Are you classified as human-
John: *sarcastically* Negative. I am a meat popsicle-

***

Alex: You made your dad cry!
Angie: He always cries!
John, while crying: tHaTs nOt tRu E-

***

Alex: My sexuality doesn't define me-
Alex, a few minutes later: MOVE IM GAY-

***

John: This next song is called...a world on fire-
John: *slams piano and screams*
John: Thank you, thank you-

***

*record scratch*
*freeze frame*
John: Yep. That's me. Your probably wondering how I got into this situation-

***

John: I would like to make a toast to family this Christmas-
John: But of course they don't exist and I'm talking to myself-
Alex: 👁👄👁
Philip: 👁👄👁
Frances: 👁👄👁
Angie: 👁👄👁
Timmy: 👁👄👁
The dogs: 👁👅👁

***

Alex: Okay maybe playing 'whose family is most dysfunctional' wasn't the best idea we've had. John's been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out-

***

[getting onto a rollercoaster]

John: Kudos Alex! The fact that you're willing to face your fear is a tribute to your character. You are the embodiment of strength, of will and an inspiration to everyone. Your intestinal fortitude is truly impressive. You're like the Joan of Arc of theme parks-
Alex: Wasn't Joan of Arc burned at the stake-
John: She was! She wasn't afraid of rollercoasters though-

***

John: I'm the best observer that you know-
Alex: Last week you thought the sponge in the kitchen was an owl-
John: If you'd stop buying them in bird colors that would stop happening-

***

John: It's 11 PM and I have a flight in the morning. Guess how much I've packed!
Alex: I'm guessing 0% excluding the sock I tossed into your suitcase-
John: Well, guess I'm burning that suitcase now-

***

John: You tried, you failed, let's go to sleep-
Alex: It's 2 p.m-

***

John: Last night's Jeopardy episode was, without a doubt, the worst. Episode. Ever. Rest assured that I was on the internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world-

***

Alex: Hey John check out this face! *makes a silly face*
John: *bursts out laughing" Oh my g oD Alex I'm gonna peE-
Alex: What-
John: ALEX I'M PEEING-
Alex: NO JOHN NOT ON THE LEATHER SEATS-

***

John, high: See that ball of fire in the sky? That's the sun. It goes by many names: Apollo's lantern, day moon, old blazy. The important thing is, never to touch it-
Alex: I know what the sun is babe-
John: Yes, now you do-

***

John: Philip, tell Jimmy where he can stick his grapes-
Philip: In the fridge!
John: No Pip-

***

Alex: What mouse walks on two legs-
John: Mickey-
Alex: Okay, what duck walks on two legs-
John: Donald-
Alex: No, all of them-
John:
John: This is the last time you make a fool of me in my own house-

***

John: Sorry, what is happening here?
Frances: Angie and I are playing dress-up, Philip is making us question our existence, and I found a dollar!

***

Alex: *pretending to be an automated phone message* Greetings John Laurens-Hamilton. This is an automated call from Koda and Kirby Lab Results, Incorporated. Your test results are:!negative-
Angie: *shouting in the background* Negative is good when you're talking about lab results!
Alex: *speaking normally* Wait what? Oh- *automated voice* your test results are: positive- *normally* Are you sure? It sounds like I'm giving him GOOD news-
Angie: I don't want to be a part of this!
Alex: *speaking normally* They should be less confusing- *automated voice* Your test results are: terrible. And you're dying, or possibly already dead by the time you get this. If you want us to perform experimental surgery on you and like, sew a llama head onto your existing head, please call back during regular putting-llama-heads-on-people hours and we will schedule an appointment. This prank call has not been my finest execution. Thank you and have a nice day-

***

Alex: We need a distraction...are any of you good at jumping up and down and making annoying noises?
John: *turns dramatically, hair blowing against the wind*
John: ...My time has come-

***

John: I am this close to crying-
Alex:
Alex: Your fingers are touching-

***

John: So tell me again why you can't wear that shirt?
Alex: I wore it to Koda's birthday two years ago, the white one with red striped on it was worn on Eliza's wedding 1 year and 3 months ago and the silk one was worn for Valentine's Day 5 months ago-
John: ...I have worn the same pants for 4 weeks straight-

***

John: Where there is smoke, there is a fire. And where there is a fire, there is probably my husband-

***