currently bored so why not-
enjoy jully 🥺
LAURENS207

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[on a date]

Alex: So what do you do?
John, holding up the menu: You just choose something to eat from here-

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John: My name's John, but you can call me-
John: *nods head so sunglasses fall into place*
John: Anytime-

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John: *takes off his shirt in front of Alex showing him his many scars*
Alex, delicately tracing them with his fingertips: What......happened to you-
John: WELL that one's where I lied down on a lightbulb and THAT one is from running through cornstalks barefoot and THAT one is because I kept scratching a mosquito bite in my sleep and THAT one is from fighting a goose and tHIs is from when I fell through a window in a tickle fight, an-
Alex: Why does anyone try to fight a goose?
John: Sometimes the goose gives you no option-

***

Alex: *texting Eleanor* i just heard a bouncing noise in the kitchen and then that was followed by john saying "oh no my potato"

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Frances: So we are made out of 70% water right?
Frances: And we drink water too-
John: C A N N I B A L I S M

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Alex and John: *having an intense staring contest*
Alex: *eyes drying out, but he's trying genuinely hard not to blink*
John: *having the time of his life staring into Alex's eyes*

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John: *texting Eleanor* ALEX IS SLEEPING NEXT TO ME AND HE ROLLED OVER AND WAS FEELING AROUND THE BED SO I STUCK MY HAND OUT AND HE GRABBED IT AND HES HOLDING MY HAND WHILE SLEEPING HES SO CUTE

***

Timmy: One day I'll be as cool as Dada!
Alex: Timmy I saw him drop his mac and cheese and cry over it for at least twenty minutes-

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John, about Jimmy Sanchez: He can't hurt me, I'm verified on TikTok-

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Alex: Struggling is out!
Alex: Juggling is in!
Alex: We can juggle and juggle all our cares away!

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Alex: Meet my husband 5'11" of salt, sarcasm, and drama! (◡‿◡✿)
John: *hissing*

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Alex: Is there any milk left?
John, holding the fridge door open and eyeing the half-full carton of milk then chugging it down in one go, knowing very well that Alex is going to kill him: Nope!

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Alex: So, what do you want for your birthday?
Angie: A pony-
Alex: Something I can realistically purchase-
Angie: You can realistically purchase a pony for me-

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John: I have the height advantage!
Alex: Your kneecaps don't-

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John: Caffeine no longer keeps me awake while I work, so instead I have Alex periodically send me texts saying 'we need to talk'-
John: It gives me the right amount of adrenaline and fear I need to keep going-

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John: Philip! What did you do to your hair?!
Philip, now with purple hair: Is this some sort of trick question-

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Alex: Where are the kids-
John: They're playing hide and seek-
Alex: Where-
John: I don't think that's how it works-

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Alex: You can't just redesign math-
Frances: Watch me-

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Alex: What are you drinking?
John: Tea-
Alex, doubtfully: What kind of tea-
John: Tea...quila-
Alex: Babe we've talked about this-

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John: If babies are so great why can't they make grilled cheese-

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John: It's that TIME of YEAR again! Slap a pumpkin! Lick an elf! Kick a skeleton in the head! Fill your pants with bats and cartwheel into a ditch! Scream the word "SPOOKY" at a baby! Eat a leaf! Pour scalding pumpkin spice latte into your eyes and drive a car into the White Hou-
Alex: Are you okay-
John: I JUST SENT A WORK EMAIL THAT WAS JUST EIGHT HUNDRED PUMPKIN EMOJIS-

***

Philip: Aw man my crocs tanned my feet weird-
John: You deserve to be reminded of your crimes-

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John: Have I ever told you that I love you with all my heart-
Alex: For the love of god babe I will not take you to McDonald's. It's 2am-

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Philip: What does LGBTQ+ mean? What's the plus mean? Is it just like the premium version of gay?
Alex: 👁👄👁
John: 👁👄👁

***

Jimmy Sanchez: Ah you know, my daughter is planning on studying anatomy at Harvard and is at the top of her class-
John: Cool. Timmy won the "most adorable kiddo" prize at his preschool graduation-
John: *gnashes his teeth, furious that Jimmy one-upped him once again*

***

John: This is an 'uwu' free zone-
Alex: And all of you now going 'uwu' and 'OwO' in response shall be imprisoned for your crimes against humanity-
Philip: Cwimes agwainst huwmanwity ^w^
John, crying and shaking in fear: I am going to break your fingers-
Frances, crawling on the ceiling: Thwis mowtwal vwessel is owonly a shell of the howwors within OWO
John and Alex: *terrified screeching*

***

John, hitting a pan with a spoon as Alex follows him: Rise and shine girls, rise and shine-
Angie, covering her face with a pillow: I'll rise but I refuse to shine-
Frances: I refuse to do either-

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John: I can't believe all these people dressed in black. All-black was my thing, and now everyone's doing it to be "cool". They're all posers-
Alex: John I cannot stress this enough. We are at a funeral-

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Alex: It's moss green!
John: What? It's more juniper green!
Frances: It's clearly seaweed green are you all colorblind?
Timmy, looking at his green t-shirt, very quietly: ...I thought it was brown-

***

John: *sobbing at 1 am*
Alex: Are you ok? What's wrong?
John, watching Hunchback of Notre Dame: QUASIMODO DIDN'T GET WITH ESMERALDA-

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The kids: *arguing*
John: *slams arm on table* WE ARE IN A FREAKIN IHOP! ACT LIKE IT-

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Alex, looking for John and describing him: He's tall, has brown hair, and– *loudly* –he hates dogs-
A nearby bush: No he doesn't-

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John: *takes a bite of macaroni and immediately spits it out*
Alex: Whats wrong?
John: It- tastes like oranges-
Alex: That makes sense. I lost the cheese packet, so I used Tang as a substitute-
Alex: *takes a bite and shrugs*
John, opening and closing his mouth before giving up: Thank god you're pretty-

***

John: These fireworks are so quiet-
Alex: Those are palm trees-

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John, slapping his own legs: These bad boys can lose feeling in less than 10 minutes!
Alex: Do you want help-
John, making grabby hands: Please-

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Philip: What is toothpaste if not bone soap-
John: Every time you speak I age another 50 years-

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John: Pip you were supposed to hand in an essay on current events-
Philip: Yeah, which I did-
John: No, this is today's newspaper with your name written on top, in crayon-

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Alex, internally: I wonder what John is thinking about! He's so cute and mysterious-
John's brain: *wii music*

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John: *jumps into Alex's bed*
John: Once again fate throws us together huh?
Alex: We're married babe, this is our bedroom-

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Frances: Can you pass the pepper?
Alex: What's the magic word~
Frances:
Frances: *starts chanting in Latin*
Alex: Oh my gOD JUST TAKE IT-

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John: I wish I was a cow eating grass in a field, no rent, no job, no college, just moo-
Alex: But then you get used to eat, you get cut open and cooked-
John: Exactly-

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[when they were dating]

John: Alex's chapstick tastes really good-
Eleanor: Oh my god! You two finally kissed?
Alex: No he ate it-

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Philip: I wanna be a comedian. Wanna hear a joke?
Philip: What do you call a donkey with 3 legs?
John:
Philip:
John: *sighs* A wonkey?
Philip: No, you call it a donkey. Its physical disability should have no bearing on how you see it. You monster-

***

Alex: Sock puppets?
John: Sock puppets-
Alex: Sock puppets?
John:*holds up an Alex sock puppet*
Alex: O h-

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John: I need a drink-
John: *pours apple juice in a shot glass*

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Alex: Babe what do you want from McDonalds-
John: A burger and white milkshake-
Alex:
Alex: Excuse me but w H a T-
John: I MEANT VANILLA-

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Alex: Fun fact! Blueberries are the only fruit named after a color 🤗
Philip: Star fruit?
Alex: So close!!! But that is a shape 💖✨
Timmy: Avocado?
Alex: Close!! Those aren't real though 😊💗
Frances: Blackberry?
Alex: That is a cellular device~ 💕📞
Angie: Orange-
Alex: 🙂 Shut up-
John: Only 2 of you actually named a fruit-

***

[family group chat in a few years]

John: did you know babies don't have kneecaps until their four
Alex: frances what do you have to say about this
Frances: He's right. Cartilage, where the knee cap would be, turns into bone by the age of four
Philip: Some people get good morning texts, I wake and find out babies don't have freaking kNEE CAPS
John: g morning kiddo!
*Angie has left the group chat*

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