i can't get enough of making thesE-
enjoy jully 🥺
LAURENS207

***

Alex: Why do you never make the bed-
John: For the same reason I don't tie my shoes after I take them off. It doesn't make sense!

***

John: You can say "have a nice day" with no problem-
John: But you can't say "Enjoy the next 24 hours" without sounding vaguely threatening-
Alex: ...John it's 3 AM-

***

Alex: You're hot-
John: Oh thanks!
Alex: No babe you have a fever-

***

John: Rose are red, violets are blue...sunflowers are yellow... tulips come in all kinds of colors...daffodils are also yellow-
Alex: Was that supposed to rhyme-
John: No I just like flowers-

***

Alex: Whatever you're thinking right now, stop it-
John: What are you talking about-
Alex: You always make that face before saying something that pisses me off-
Alex: So cut it ou-
John: I love you-
Alex:
John: And also cereal qualifies as a soup-
Alex: I KNEW IT-

***

Frances: You're mad at me aren't you-
John: Not mad, just disappointed-
Frances: oH COME ON EVERYONE KNOWS THATS SO MUCH WORSE-

***

Eleanor: And whenever you're down, don't forget the little things!
John: I'm really bad at remembering the little things-
John: Like this one time, I left Alex at the store-

***

John: I've been cursing in ice cream flavors all day, and so far Philip, Frances, and Angie have all told me to stop-
John: Update: I have not stopped-
Alex: How do you curse in ice cream flavors-
John: What the mint chocolate chip did you say to me punk?! I'll kick yor rocky road and smack the ever loving strawberry cheesecake out of you!

***

John to Alex: I love laying my head on your chest when you sleep so I can hear your heart beating-
Also John to Alex: I recorded you snoring so you can hear how loud you are and why I can't sleep-

***

John: Love is dead and never existed. All you did was betray me as I lay sick and festering. You are the definition of dread-
Alex: You alright?
John: Koda stole my garlic bread :(

***

John: *rolls over in his sleep and knees Alex in the side*
Alex: Ow you knee'd me!
John, still half asleep: Yeah I do need you-

***

John: Do you think dogs have different accents for their barks when they're from different countries-
Philip, who crawled in their bed: I see where you're coming from, but-
Alex, lying wide-eyed and staring at the ceiling: It's 3 in the morning and if you BOTH don't shut uP-

***

John: I can't go outside, I'm allergic to pollen and social interaction-

***

John: Do you blow your food when it's too hot or do you just hasafashafsas till you can chew it-
Alex: Oh hasafashafsas for sure. I'm not a coward-

***

John: You're my hero!
Alex: John all I did was catch your plate of chicken nuggets before they could hit the floor-
John: But you did it heroically!

***

John: *nudges Alex awake in the middle of the night*
John: Do you like me-
Alex: I married you-
John: Yeah but did you marry me as a friend or like, a husband? Unclear-

***

Alex: What are you, five?
John: Yeah five feet taller then you!
Alex:
John:
Alex:
John: Please don't hurt me-

***

John: Instead of asking guests if they want tea or something to drink I just make it and hand them the mug and stare them down until they drink it-
Alex: But how will you know what they want?
John: They will Consume what is Given-

***

John: I suffered from nosebleeds as a child. One time I had one so bad I was covered in blood-
John: So I went to wake my momma up. She opened her eyes to see a bloodsoaked child leaning over her in the dark saying "please help" and to this day I can still hear her screaming-

***

John: What if I made coffee with more coffee instead of water-
Alex, unplugging the coffee machine: How about you don't-

***

John: Alex I think I'm drunk but don't tell Momma-
Eleanor: You're what!?
John: Oh oops-
John, turning to Alex: Alex I think I'm drunk but don't tell Momma-

***

John: Today I broke down in a Petco because they had a puppy whose birthday is today and the sign said that all she wants is a birthday party-

***

Frances: Can I have these question mark stickers-
Alex: Why?
Frances: I wanna put them on stop signs-
Alex: Frances NO-

***

[At the pool]

John, chilling on a floatie with a drink: Whoever's humming the Jaws theme is going to get slapped-

***

Alex: I'm not going to be mad, just tell me why you have a fake ID-
Philip: *incoherent mumbling*
Alex: What?
Philip: You have to be over eighteen to hold the puppies at Petco-

***

John: My feet are cold. Why does the world hate me-
Alex: Because you drank microwaved orange juice-
John: Okay but feet. Cold-
Alex: Okay but juice. Hot-
John: Okay but cold. Feet-
Alex: No. You deserve your punishment-

***

John: *playing Animal Crossing* I'm so peaceful watering my flowers, doing no harm-
Alex: You can't really do any harm in this game though-
John: I mean you could TRY-
John: Ever swung an axe at a villager?
Alex:
Alex: NO???
John: I'm gonna swing an axe at a villager!
Alex: j O h N  n O-

***

John: I will now drink eight glasses of milk in three minutes!
Alex: *taking the glass* Nope! No you won't! No you won't because that will kill you-

***

John: The internet is amazing!
John: With just a credit card I could buy enough sour cream to fill up a bathtub! And no one could stop me!
Alex:
John:
Alex: Do you want me to stop you-
John: Please do. I don't even like sour cream-

***

Airport Security: No liquids on the plane please-
John: Okay-
John: *starts drinking it*
Airport Security:
Airport Security: Usually people just throw away the shampoo-

***

John: Happy birthday to my husband Alex but more importantly, happy anniversary to tHE EMOJI MOVIE, THE WORLD'S GREATEST PIECE OF CINEMA-
Alex:
Alex: *starts crying*
John: Oh no wait-

***

John: The moon controls the tides and the human psyche. Wolves know that, that's why they howl at her. It's a tribute-
Therapist: Let's talk about your family-
John: No-

***

[At a diner]

Waiter: What would you like?
Angie: I WISH TO DEVOUR THE UNBORN-
Alex: ...she wants eggs-

***

[texting]

Alex: mufasa's death scene made me cry again
John: AWW LEX
John: ITS OKAY HE'S NOT A REAL HORSE ITS A CARTOON
Alex: HORSE??
Alex: H O R S E???
Alex: ????????
[a few messages later]
John: but in my defense
John: ive never seen it
Alex: ITS CALLED THE LION KING JOHN

***

Philip: Some people are like slinkies-
John: Explain-
Philip: Not really good for much, but does crack a smile when you push it down the stairs-
John:
John: Please don't push Frances down the stairs-
Philip, already leaving: YOU CAN'T STOP ME-

***

John: We need to talk-
Alex: What's wrong?
John: Can we get Chinese food-
Alex:
Alex: ...that's what you want to talk about?
John: Yea-

***

[After John kills a moth]

John: The worst part is after the first hit because immediately before you were filled with an adrenaline like "Yeah I'm gonna kill this thing" but then you hit it and it can't fly anymore and it knows its life is over but IT KEEPS FIGHTING and you see it struggling so instead of helping you you don't want it to live a life with broken wings and such so you just keep hitting it despite how hard it's fighting to live and it's like you don't even know who you are anymore you're a monster a soulless monster and then before you know it you're looking at the beautiful creature dead on your carpet with no life ahead of itself all that's left is its cold dead body and you finally think "Wow you know this beautiful creature was put here for a reason and that reason was not to cause harm or destruction but to live peacefully among humans but it can't do this because humans are just sorry excuses for life"
Alex: Are you okay???
John: No I'm crying-

***

Alex: Go ahead and introduce yourself-
John: My name is John with a B, and I've been afraid of insects my entire life-
Alex: Stop stop stop, where?
John: Hmm?
Alex: Where's the B-
John, voice shaking: tHeRe's a  b E e??

***

John: I'm a very put-together and unemotional person-
Alex: Yesterday you cried over dragons-
John, crying: They can't blow out their birthday candles-

***

John, at 3 AM: Why are any of us here really-
Zoo security guard: I'm asking about you specifically-

***

John: Earthquakes are the weirdest things-
John: Like we're just floating in space and our planet just decides to spontaneously do the chimichanga-
Alex:

***

Alex: Dogs lick us because they know we have bones inside and they want 'em-
John:
John: *glances at the dogs*
Koda: *wags tail*
John: *sobs*

***

John: *filling the dogs' water bowls from the fridge*
Alex: What are you doing-
John: They'd do the same for me-

***

John: I tried to make Ramen in a coffee pot and I broke everything-

***

Alex: My butt, the thickiest. My toks, the tickiest-
John:
John: Excuse mE-

***

[John working from home]

John: *drinking a margarita*
Alex: Aren't you working?
John: It's casual Friday-
Alex: It's Tuesday-
John: Time doesn't exist anymore-

***

Angie: Hey Papa, what does coffee taste like-
Alex: Unfortunately not as good as it smells-
Angie: Oh-
Angie: Like shampoo-

***

John: Wow I have so much work
John: *naps*
John: *wakes up three hours later*
John: *finds literally any way to procrastinate*
John: *at 11pm* The amount of work my job gives is ridiculous and unreasonable, they have no idea how hard it is to get everything done is such a short time, I have a LIFE you know-

***

[Going through a drive thru]

John: *pays for the person behind them's food* Tell him I think he's hot-
Fast Food Worker: Ok-
Alex: *drives up to window*
Fast Food Worker: Your food was paid for by the guy ahead of you. He says you're hot-
Alex: *rolls his eyes and smiles* He's my husband-

***