Alice

Not freaking out. Definitely not worried. Nope. No concerns here. We are great. Perfect even. Fine. More than fine. Dandy. We are absolutely, positively dandy.
Ok. Sure, we haven't heard from the Alpha and Beta or anyone on the tracking team for that matter, for approximately two days, one hour and twenty two minutes but I'm not counting. At all.

Because i have no doubt that all is well.

Mostly.

A little.

Not even at all.

Things are fucked and I know it, this is not a good sign at all. But I'm here, lying to myself and trying to act my ass off in front of the pack. In front of Ellena, because if she is worried, the pack is worried. And fear can tear a good pack to ribbons in seconds.

And we can't have that. Not now. Not when we need them to just keep their shit together. If they are ok, it means the very few of us left that can adult in a formidable way, can figure out a course of action.

So nope. Not panicking. Not here. Not me.

Never.

I won't even acknowledge the tiny, microscopic slither of myself that is concerned about Gainey.
As much as it makes me nauseated to admit it.

I am trying impossibly hard to believe that any emotions I am having in that direction are because I have feelings invested in the pack.

Not with him.

The only feeling that man evokes in me is hatred. On a good day. On a day where I have had coffee and cake and sunshine.

But still. The fact that we haven't heard as much as one word from them in so long is not good. At all.

That's the general consensus at the meeting table this dreary afternoon anyway. I should be listening intently, offering ideas. Advice. Support at the very least.
But I'm not. I can't. Instead, my attention has been on a spider web that is hanging precariously on the outside window pane. I have spent the better part of an hour watching the spindly web waving in the breeze instead of being involved in a conversation that seems to go around and around, never reaching a solution despite the many ideas being thrown in the ring.

No. My mind is a blur and my mouth is unusually quiet. Instead, I try to throw all of my focus on the delicate yet intricate pattern old incy outside has created. The web is large, spanning the top half of the window easily and despite being outside in the heart of the coldest winter, the web holds strong, only just swaying slightly in the cooling evening breeze. The spider is idly catching a ride as it sits deadly still atop its perfect creation.

Amazing. Something so thin, spindly and spread so thin can hold on so tight. So strong. Something so simple yet deadly to the wrong intruder. As I sit and watch, ignoring the growing noise volume around me, the spider waits in the corner, pondering its life whilst awaiting its next meal. It's next victim.

The second the moth hits the web I know it is doomed. I watch with baited breath and awe as the moths wings flap helplessly in vain. The ice and web take their collective toll. The spider sits. Not moving until the moth is exhausted and stuck, realising that no amount of effort will release it from its inevitable end.

It's only then, when the prey has given up, that the spider finally makes its way over. Appraising it's prize. The web has done its job. The hours of painstaking effort have paid off.

I stand up with a bang as the chair falls from my legs and hits the ground upside down behind me.

I know what we need to do.

"I'm going after them." I blurt, earning a quick gasp from Ellena and confused expressions ranging from anger to disbelief from everyone else.

I clear my throat and repeat again.

"I'm going after them. I can track. It's in my blood. Besides, Gainey is.. the Beta is my mate. Even un mated, we have an unyielding bond. I can find them. I can find him." I say, with a little more strength this time.

I know it's inconceivable. Me, without much backup besides a few aged wolves, heading out to locate a tracking party. A tracking party loaded with the packs strongest wolves, who if caught, are most likely with more strong wolves.

It's laughable really. Ridiculous. If it wasn't our only choice, I would never be even considering it. But just like the single spider on its web, I know that this is possible. With planning and dedication, one person can make a difference. I can find them. I know it.

Or maybe I'm about to be the biggest moth in an even bigger trap.

Whilst the foolish the bravado of this mission is not lost on me, the worst part of this crazy scenario is that I will have to leave Rox behind. Putting him at risk without me.
And that. Leaving him. Is the most difficult part of this whole messed up equation.

That babe is my life. My love. My last living connection to my pack.

If my soul had a form, he would be it.

I shudder just thinking about how, at the start of all this, I felt like accepting Rox meant that I had to give up ever having my own child. My own family. What I didn't realise in that moment was that he is my own child. My own family. My only family.

Everything I do, I do for him. For us. For the life that I want him to have, whether it looks like the one I once dreamt about or not. As longs as it contains the two of us, it's worth every trial or tribulation.

That's why with all of the resolve I can muster, real and false, I stand firm in the decision that it must be me, me alone, that goes in search of the missing wolves. Including Gia.

The pack simply cannot spare anymore wolves of strength to leave the grounds and if I'm going to leave my son here, safely, I need to leave knowing that he will be ok.

Ellena stands, her eyes rimmed red and swollen form hours of crying for her daughter.
I can tell by the way she repeatedly tries but fails to tame the loose strands of hair that frame her face, she has all but given up on getting Gia back.

If only it were so easy.

I mentally slap myself for the hateful thought. She may not be my favourite person but she is Ellena's and I need to do this. Not for Gia. Or Gainey. But for the woman who showed me a kindness when I most needed it. Gave me a home when I didn't think I could
find one again.

I move closer to her, placing my hands on hers and rubbing them softly.

"I'm going to do this. For you. And I don't want any argument. What I do want is for you to watch my child whilst I go and find yours, can you do that for me?." I ask, ignoring all of the sets of eyes focused on me. I search Ellena's gaze, her eyes wide and full of fear. And something else, something I haven't seen in a few days.

Hope.

A few silent tears slip from her eyes as she pulls me into a tight embrace. As she holds me tight, she whispers close to my ear, her words meant for me alone;

" I hope he can one day say he deserves you." Her words cut deeper than I imagined they could and a small gasp exits my lips before I pull back and look at her face.

"It's not for him." I say but she just shakes her head. I mean those words whole heartedly but for some reason, a tiny seed of doubt still exists in a place that I don't even want to consider. My heart has no bruise like the ones caused by this man, by what he should be but just isn't. As much as I try to reject all thoughts of him.

Ellena grips my hands and places her nose to mine, an ancient sign of respect, usually reserved for elders or those who hold places of importance in packs.

The gesture does not go unnoticed by the elders. Or me.

"Alice we accept your brave proposal and it would be our honour to guard your young pup with our lives." An elder says, Henry, a former warrior and lifetime member of the pack. His respect is evident and my heart stammers at the pressure and pleasure I feel, being accepted as an important and fully fledged member of the pack.

Ellena sobs softly as I nod, shaking hands with people as they are offered and accepting an embrace or two from the women. I feel equal parts brave and idiotic as I leave the room, heading to my room to plan and spend a few hours with My heart before I leave in search of our missing men.

An hour later, my time has been spent snuggling in the warmth of the room, my boys chest to my own, his  head resting in the nook of my neck. It's my favourite thing to do. It's astounding how calming his tiny presence is. Maybe it's how much he reminds me of his parents or my home or maybe it's just the unconditional, all consuming love I feel for him. Either way, there is no other path in life I would choose, if it meant that I could not have this small window of love with this baby.

The only thing that could top it is if his parents and mine were somehow alive and we were all together.

My heart cracks open just a little more with this thought and luckily, a small knock at the door interrupts the pain from cracking my soul wide open. I suck the leak of emotion back inside where it belongs and place sleepy Rox on the bed, wrapping him up in the warm bedding.

I tip toe to the door but I suspect I already know who the evening interrupter is.

Ellena's sheepish face greets me as I slide out a small gap in the door and I follow her quietly across the hall and into a small sitting room. It's cosy and hot, a blazing fire place warms the office size room and we pause together, sitting close by on the two seater couch in front of the fire.

We just sit in peace, listening to the crackle of the fire as it burns away the remainder of the log laying in the centre. I shift my eyes away from the embers and focus on Ellena's face. The worry lines around her mouth and eyes have become so deep with grief this week and I wish that I could take it away immediately instead of adding to it when I leave tomorrow.

" I can't change your mind about this can I." She says but we both know it's not a question.

I shake my head no and she lets out an audible sigh.

"Oh Alice. What a mess. The last thing I wanted was for you to have more to deal with. I can't let you go alone but I know there isn't much choice." Her body shakes with a tremor of grief and I wrap one arm around her, squeezing her close. I just hold her tight for a second, breathing in her comforting scent and dreaming of a time when my own mother held me like this. The scorch of instant sadness it sends through me burns hotter than any fire I have ever felt.

"I can do this." I say into her ear and I feel her head nod close to my shoulder.

"I know you can." She says softly. Wiping her tears away and then reaching out and repeating the motion for mine. I take in the love she shares and just sit still, using her for warmth and strength just as she is using me.

" When you find them, give him a chance. Ok?" The woman doesn't quit. I just stifle a small laugh but I nod anyway. The hopeless romantic in Ellena just won't let this die.

And as we sit in the darkening room together, letting the heat of the fire wash over our internal battles, we watch the fire saving itself time and time again. Just before it burns out, every time we think it's done, the tiniest light makes itself known. Keeping the flames alive. Keeping our hope alive. It's just one solitary spark but it's still as strong as a raging blaze.

There is an undeniable part of me that won't let the packs last hope die. Not if I can help it.
For myself.  For Rox. For the entire pack.

And maybe even for Gainey.

Goddess help me.