9....The amount of days we have been driving. 67..The number of tiny, nothing, blur of hick towns we have eaten at diners in, walked aimlessly to stretch my legs in and slept for barely a few hours in.

To say I'm over driving, with a new born, is an understatement. It's not even in the same zip code as the statement. The statement went out the window on this long ass of a high way we have called home for over a week now.

Rox is an absolute angel, but the car is not good for babies for such long stretches of time. I don't like his body being confirmed to that position for all of these long days and night. But as far as babies go, he is a gem. I just can't wait to be able to get him out of here and into some sort of a dwelling.

So, as we move on again from the last middle of nowhere, diner slash Hard Rock Cafe wannabe, I am grateful that I have finally found a direction for us to head in. All the hours pouring over the old school pack maps has paid off. At least I have something to aim for.

Alaska.

That's where we will go to seek refuge. Either alone or with a pack. Interestingly, I'm comfortable with both. To me at the present moment, with all the darkness so many packs have seen of late, being pack less has it's mass appeal. But I have no idea how sporadic the packs even are in the Alaskan territories. I know that there are at least a few packs there. I remember clearly that there were at least two  huge unit representatives of Alaskan packs a few years ago at a countrywide pack meeting. I mean these guys were massive! And beastly. Our pack was a buzz with the news that they were coming. It was unheard of. The packs out here are apparently a little more old school in their ways. They stick more to the old wolves rules.

Should be interesting.

Perhaps the biggest reason for me heading this far away, is that I know that the Demon Alpha has not been seen here. Yet. Maybe he won't bother. That's the hope anyway. And if he does, I know he will have to make more of an effort with the packs of old. The one thing I do know about them is their warriors are like nothing we have ever seen.

Huge plus for moving out there if you ask me.

I have to start to think seriously about the story I portray for when we do eventually come across a pack. If they won't allow us to live packless, which I'm expecting them to forbid, we will need to join in order to stay and I'll need to be well versed on our back story. I'll have to play my part extremely well. I need to be believable. No room for error.

And therein lies my next biggest issue. I have never been a great liar. I'm a shit actress too if I'm being honest.

But I need to do both to keep us hidden until... well,  until we meet our loved ones again or I hear that it's not an option.

That reality slaps me hard across the face and I gulp in response, slowly swallowing the hard pill that fear forms. As a wake up call, the tyres start to slip
and slide a little on the road and it's only then that I notice the more icy texture covering the surface and I realise that the outside world has been slipping by and I haven't even noticed the changes.

Subtle at first, they are now staring me in the face. The scatter of white across every second tree or so is now a steady sheet of glistening powder, shimmering  down and settling over each and every beautiful tree on either side of the highway.

It's majestic. And so out of my norm. I slow my speed just to take in the site around us. It feels like
another world. It looks a lot like Christmas.

Perhaps it will be.

"Rox, I think we are going to like this." I say over my shoulder to the snoozing boy.

I take my time as we cruise further into the frozen new world, keeping my car steady and slow on the picturesque Alaskan highway. It's been an interesting trek, not one that I would soon wish to take again, especially alone with a baby but now that we have a target in sight, I feel refreshed. Rejuvenated even, but only on the inside.

On the outside I'm an absolute shambles. There is only so much one can do with baby wipes and a small dirty bathroom sink. But when we get to our destination, that will only make that first real shower so much more divine.

I have narrowed down our destination to a small group of towns outside a larger town that all seem to be surrounded by a national forest.

There will be space enough for Rox and I to spread our fur and run without the barriers of being hidden all the time if the homesteads are predominantly human.

I just have no clue what we are heading into.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As we pull up to the border check that exists on the line between Canada and Alaska, my pulse quickens. But not from fear this time. It's exhilaration filling my body with nervous energy and excitement for the first time in all these lonely days and nights.

The fear and sadness are still there. I think it will always be this way. The hardest part about all of this is that I don't know for certain the fate of any of my closest family.

All I have left is hope and that is what drives me now. I have to shove the fear and hurt and unknown deep into the recess of my heart for now, it's the only way I can step into the future with Rox and be safe. Like they wanted. The only way I can portray the role is if i actually live it.

And so as I pull up and show my ID and the babies information and get waved through, that's what I do.
I push down my promise to them all. I swallow down the pain and guilt and all of the hurt and as I exit the check point, letting the window down and taking in the cool crisp air, I breathe in and out with a little relief for the first time in all these perilous hours.

And then I throw the beautiful leather bound book out the window as far as I possibly can.

It was the last physical tie we had to our home pack.

It doesn't mean for one second that I feel any less devastated. I am forever broken on the inside. Like a rare diamond, I appear on the outside shining and perfect in structure. But on the inside runs a deep, hidden crack and with the constriction of time of pressure, it could mean ruin for the beautiful facade. Only time will tell.

The only thing I know with any certainty at this moment is that to carry on now, I need to be present for Rox and for me. For what's best for us. For right now. That's how I'm going to live. For the right now.

And when that is going well, I'll work on the tomorrow.