Alice

I'm more tired than I think I have ever been, yet I could not be more wired. I'm a living, breathing conundrum. I saved someone I literally hate. I'm now likely stuck with the one man in the world who repulses me more than any other. Ok, not quite. Maybe the second most repulsive. A close second.

Oh, and just for kicks, because life hasn't kicked me quite far enough up the proverbial wall just yet,I also killed the woman he was having an affair with, whilst they were in the middle of getting it on.

I mean, as far as murder goes, that's pretty bleak.

My exhausted mind ticks over and over that last scene like the reel of an old cinema stuck on repeat. The grainy scene plays in my minds eye. It's something I can never unsee. Or undo.
I shift my mind to the scenery outside of the car I'm currently rattling around in, hoping that the dramatics of the rapidly changing color in the trees as they go by, slowly fading from from greens to frosted white, will take my brain away from the reel of pain.

No such luck. All I see in the barren branches of the tallest trees is Gia's limbs flayed open on the rubble of the basement.
The earth melting into the ice from the road ahead is the same colour as the blood that she was surrounded by when we left her.

And the stormy, muddled grey of his eyes that I catch watching me every now and then, that's the exact shade of my soul now. Dirty. Broken. Unforgivable. Guilty.

Suddenly another thought occurs to me and I shoot up in my seat, my eyes tearing away from the snow that covers everything outside.

Ellena.

How am I going to tell her? What do I even say?
And what about Gia's daughter? How can I ever look at her little, innocent face and know that I am the reason her momma isn't coming home. Isn't here with the man she loved. Or even the mate she didn't.

I'll be surprised if Rox and I are even given a night before we are told to get packing.

Oh my god. How long have I been asleep? Maybe Ellena already knows and they have made a decision? Is Rox safe? I don't think she would harm him but a mother, grieving, well, I guess I wouldn't blame her. I killed her child after all. And she has mine.

"Stop the car!" I screech out, effectively startling everyone else, including Gainey who pulls over so rapidly, we all go flying about.

Benji, travelling upfront, only just avoids smacking his already damaged face on the dash.

"For the love of all things holy Alice, what the actual fuck?" Gainey yells, twisting in his seat once we have stopped, to glare at me.

Put those greys away. I can't even look at them right now.

I look from him to Benji, both wearing complete opposite looks of concern. One is worn, beat and forlorn. The other is a tyrant, sullen and mad.

I dont have time for this.

"Do they know? At the pack, have you made contact with them?" I ask, avoiding the exact words but knowing he understands all to well.

I wait a beat, and then watch as his brows lift just a smidge.

He gets it.

I can't be sure whether it's the half bond or just him. But I know he understands.

He glances at Benji for a fraction of a second, and even from here, I can tell he still looks bewildered by everything.

Returning his torturous glare back to me, Gainey nods ever so slightly.
My heart sinks to a new record low.

"Yes. They know. All of it." He waits for me to process his words before adding;

"Rox is just fine." He watches me for a beat longer before he returns his attention to what's left of our drive, pulling back out onto the deserted stretch of road.

Fuck. Ok. Rox is safe. For now.

I think over the words I need to get out next. I need to make a plan and with an hour or so left to drive, all I have is a little time. To freak out.

Let the panic begin.

"So, when we get back, all I'll need is a little time to gather my things and grab Rox. But I don't have a car... so.. I'll need to figure that out." I'm rambling. Words are escaping my mouth as I think them. I'm not even sure what I'm saying so when I glance up at the mirror again and see a frown from Gainey, I am not surprised.

"Sorry. Rambling. I'm just trying to say that I'll be gone, from the pack lands, as soon as possible and we can figure out our problem later. I guess ." I rush out, not wanting to make conversation with him for too long. It makes my heart beat in an uncomfortable and unfamiliar erratic rate and though I am genuinely trying not to, I know I'm coming off as a weak bitch.

I wait a beat. Two. Three. And he says nothing.
Interesting.

The brakes slamming harshly and my head almost bashing the dash in front of me shocks me out of my stupid internal rant.

Everyone makes different pitches of groaning sounds and Benji is finally awake enough to make an active response.

"What the fuck Beta?" He says, rubbing his freshly injured nose. The air bags didn't react, thank goodness but it doesn't mean he escaped without another injury to add to his growing list.

Ignoring his Alpha's question, Gainey leans as far as he can in his seat at the wheel to peer over at me.
His eyes are alive with fury and if I was any lessor woman, I would be worried.

"What are you talking about? Leaving? How? What do you suppose I do then Alice? Huh? Have you forgotten our little predicament so soon?" He says, a teasing tone evident to everyone else in the car listening in. But only I know what is actually behind his question. Concern for himself. Of course. But why did his eyes flick to Benji in mirror?

Truth be told, I don't know all that much about a mating bond but what I do know is, once it's initiated, there is no going back. No rejection. I have no clue about a half baked mating bond where only one mate has marked the other. That's the first thing I'll begin to look up as soon as we are back.

That and anything I can do to end this.

Because as much as I want to deny it. Deny the whisper of a bond inside my head and heart. I can't. Because I can already feel it growing inside of me. Like mould. Like bacteria.
It's not wanted. But it's hard to get rid of.

I can't hold back the scowl that leaks out of my bones and onto my face. It's that epic.

"I haven't forgotten. How could I. It's all I think about. That moment, it's all I see in my head every time I close my eyes. I'll figure something out. I have to." The venom in my voice is enough to stop anyone else asking questions.

But Benji looks between Gainey and I like we are speaking another language.
He shrugs his shoulders, turning to face me.

"Ok, what have I missed?" He asks, earning a look from me that very clearly reads well and clear as he just shakes his head and leans into Gainey.
It's not coming from me. No way.

"Later." Is all the response Gainey gives him, his eyes still fixed on me.

Oh boy. Here we go.

"I'm not sure we are on the same page here Alice, actually, scratch that, I know we aren't. We never have been. But what I do know, is what you started, can't be undone. No way. No how. So no, there will be no leaving. No packing up and driving into the sunset for you. Not now. Not ever. You made your bed. You will lie in it. No matter how uncomfortable it is. Because I promise you, the alternative, is worse." His voice is low, controlled. Final.

Fuck that. He may be my mate but he is not my boss.

Of course I know he is right. My leaving was a doomed fantasy before it even had a chance to begin. But that does not stop me from sulking like a child and sinking down into my seat.
I feel his stare burning through my skin and it takes everything I have left in me not to look at him. Or cry.

Somehow I manage to keep it all inside.

Benji spins in his seat to stare at Gainey. And then back to me. His eyes begging for information I just don't want to give. If I say it out loud. If I put it out into the universe. It's real. It's final. And I'm not ready to admit that just yet.

And not to him.

"Are you ok?" He asks, so tender. So sweet. I almost don't want him to know. I flail, not sure how to respond. I value my friendship with him. Not because I fancy him, other than to look at because, I'm not blind. But because I know that he harbours some sort of feelings for me, I would be stupid not to have noticed. And the last thing I want is to hurt him. He doesn't deserve that.

But before I can think of a way to let him down carefully, Gainey does what he does best. Rampages. Destroys. Hurts.

He lets loose with the truth, like a bomb detonated up close. It's power radiates fast from within, burning up the little spark of ignition so rapidly, no one sees it coming.
The impact is immediate.

"She marked me. To save my life. And now we are both screwed." It's said with no emotion. No empathy.
Gainey strikes again.

The emotions that flicker across Benji's face could fill an entire catalogue on my phone.

The shock. Disbelief. Anger. Pain. Guilt. Sorrow. It's all there, like an emerging tattoo on his skin. Bared for us all to see and because we are wolves, feel.

Even Gainey, with his unfeeling soul clears his throat a few times in quick succession. He knows that was just so fucking uncalled for.

Finally, Benji is able to pack it away inside as best he can. He extends a hand to me, hovering above my knee before he quickly drops it down and gives me a quick squeeze, retracting his hand like the contact burned him.

"That was a very admirable thing to do Alice. Very brave. I hope Gainey knows just how much." He means every word. That's the kicker. And my gut twists with guilt and an epic sadness of an entirely new level.

Hello rock bottom. It's me, Alice.

I try to give him some sort of facial expression in response but all that comes out is a grimace.

If only he knew. He is missing huge chunks of the story here.
Does he even know about Gia?
About any of it?

I lean forward to talk to him but bloody Gets-in-the-way- Gainey strikes again.
Is he going for some kind of asshole record?

"Oh, I know how much. And if I don't, I'm sure Alice will remind me. Forever. Because that's how long we have together now." His voice is nails down a chalk board. The fucking nerve. Rubbing it into the already festering wound.

I see red. And I admit, it's never been a good colour for me.
I lose all sense of reality. Of calm. Any semblance of sense. Fuck it. It's on.

I turn my face to the demon I am stuck with. Ignoring Benji who inhales an urgent breath when he hears Gainey's disgusting response.

"Beta that is uncalled for. You just said she saved your.."
He begins but I cut him off, placing my open palm in his face.

"It's fine Benji. Really. I know who and what he is. Trust me. And if you are wondering if I would go back and change my mind, the answer is yes. Call it shock. Or stupidity. But truly, I think the image of him enjoying Gia blowing him in in the basement whilst you were all beaten and tied up elsewhere really clouded my judgement." Yeah. I went there.

If I had a mic I would drop it because the atmosphere in the car goes from zero to one hundred. I can hear every single, elevated heart beat in the space. One more than the others and his rising panic is like music to my ears.

I count down in my head starting from ten and get to five before all hell breaks loose. Everyone is yelling. Benji is reaching across the front seat to hit Gainey who tries to keep us all on the road whilst taking a bashing from everyone else in the car except me. Verbally and physically. It must be an absolute sight from outside the car. Lucky we don't pass anyone.

I just sit back and watch the chaos unfold, keeping my eyes locked on the impossible man in the seat next to me the entire shouting filled ride home.

When we finally pull into the drive of the pack house, the yelling in the car has ceased and I know for sure that bonds have been broken that can never be healed.

And some of it is my fault.
Fuck.

Rock bottom, I was wrong. Now we are there.