Gainey

If kicking yourself whilst you were down was a sport, I would be world champion. Seriously, hand me the trophy because I'm about to kick my own ass harder than ever before.
I don't know what is wrong with me. I couldn't just leave it. No. Nope. I had to poke the already angry bear and as a result, the bear made me look like a complete fucking ass.

Benji hasn't spoken to me since the drama unfolded back there in the middle of the highway. The entire car load is in a state of awkward silence and I find myself for once, hoping Alice will speak because this uncomfortable quiet is freaking me out.

I don't think that's going to happen though. Every time I catch her eyes in the rear view mirror, I swear she is trying to morph the saying throwing daggers with her eyes into an actual physical thing.
If looks could kill, my ass would be road kill a mile back and run over again for good measure.

I audibly sigh out loud as the start of the pack lands drive comes into view. I need out of this confined space now. Before now. Yester-fucking-day.

Alice and I just can't seem to get into any kind of rhythm that isn't loud and obnoxiously out of sync. We also both suffer from an annoying disease where we have to have the last word, and obviously, no blow is too low going on what just unfolded in the car.

That was not how I wanted Benji to hear the events leading up to Gia's death. I want to tell him what actually happened and debrief the whole thing but I haven't even had a chance to unpack that all myself yet, let alone discuss with Alice that what she saw and what she thinks was happening are two completely different things.

But now it's out there in the most explicit way. Alice really must think so little of me to think that I would travel all that way just to get it on with Gia in a filthy basement. Is that who I am to her? Some desperate man whore who fucks another wolfs mate? In some deranged BDSM setting?

Shit. If I have any chance of surfing the tidal wave of this whole mate situation, I need to get it together. I have to stop thinking I know what Alice thinks and actually ask her. Dare I say it, we need to sit down and talk. But first, I need to see Ellena. Get some sleep. And then, when I have a clearer heard, get time to set Alice straight, sort out how we are going to play this.

In that order.

But will that happen? Most likely not. Knowing what I do of the hot headed little female, it will be her way or the mother fucking highway. No question. So where does that leave me? Scrambling to get a word out first. And so it goes around again.

I chuckle to myself quietly, earning some further frowns and low grunts from the others in the car as we finally come into view of the house.

Ironic isn't it? The guy who didn't ever want a mate is now half mated and completely stuck with the exact female version of himself. Hilarious.
If I ever meet the moon goddess I will have a good old laugh with her before I kick her crazy old ass. This paring is beyond nuts.

What can we possibly offer each other besides heart ache and harm? This is the kind of shit that made me swear off mates in the first place. Hell, until Alice, I called bullshit on the entire mating bond as well.

At least I know now that part is an actual thing.
The kicker is that I would totally be in to her if she wasn't such a pain in my ass.

As mates go, she is beautiful. Special. In a neurotic and annoying way. Like the sand at the beach. It's picturesque. A sight to behold. But once you let it touch you, it can't be shaken off and you end up with it in places you never wanted it.

I suspect that is exactly how my mating with Alice is going to play out. Beautiful from a distance. Close up, raging hot mess.

And that's the exact part that scares me.

How can I let someone in when I have nothing to give?
What can I possibly offer a female and a pup?
I'm barely a Beta at this point. Never an Alpha. If I could choose to do so without hurting Benji, I would leave and live a solitary life.

But Benji and Ellena mean more to me that anyone else in this world. And for them, I stay. For them, I go against what feels like my nature.
For them I will even put on a half baked smile and try to do this thing with Alice.

Because they would do anything for me.

But how in the hell do I even start to process this with her? The woman has more spikes than an echidna.

My mind turns off the monologue as we finally reach the driveway. Everyone bursts from the doors and exit the cursed interior of the vehicle as soon as they can. Ellena shoots out of the front door, followed by a couple of the elders and my heart sinks to another low.

I failed her. In the worst way.

As she approaches, I see a small blue bundle in her arms and I feel Alice pass close by me, headed straight for her pup.

Benji and I are silent as we watch her pull him into her arms, bringing him up close and scenting him. His little body wriggles in her arms and she actually cracks a smile. The first I have seen in hours. And it shatters a corner of the hard facade inside of my broken heart.

Benji catches my eye and ruins the tiny moment I was having, shaking his head as he leaves my side, headed straight for Ellena.

Though she is not looking at me, I know she wants me to be there too. But does she need to hear all of this?!

Benji and I still need to talk about the fact that Gia was fated to Damon, a fact he forgot to mention to me before we left on this cracked up journey. Or did he even know? Did Ellena? I have a sinking feeling he at least suspected. Fuck. I wish he had given me a heads up.

My eyes betray me and find Alice as she retreats with Rox into the warm comfort of the house. I reluctantly trudge along, following a sobbing Ellena and a limping Benji into the entrance hall. Merrick and Tate leave us for the night and head for their respective houses. I envy them the freedom of just being able to leave.

The emotional side of all of this is going to hurt me more than the physical.

As soon as we close the door I feel some of the built up anxiety relax. Something about being here, on the grounds, this house, it's home to me. As much as I think I could leave. This place is a comfort more than anything and anywhere else has ever been. Just the grouping of the scents, the familar grooves of the floor, the sounds the house makes as we move about. It's a home to me in a way that I have never had before.

Even having Alice under this roof seems to soothe my wolf, offering him some restraint that I usually have to run for hours to provide.

Curious.

She riles me up but she calms him down.
She sets my brain on fire yet she cools my wolf and his steely reserve.

They say your fated mate is your perfect match. The flip side of your soul. But what if my soulf is too broken and dirty for her to be bound to? What future is there for us as a unit when I barely have a grasp on my solitary shit hole of a life?

Benji shoulder rams me out of the meeting room doorway, effectively waking me from my stupor. The sour look on his face lets me know that he is still filthy with me.

Well. Back at you buddy.
He can act pissy all he likes but he let us walk into a shitstorm without all the information.

That's on him.

Ellena sobbing cuts me up and brings me back to the present. This isn't the time for an impending argument
with Benji. We need to talk, but not now.

Focus. I need to get this done.

Benji moves slowly, guiding Ellena to a seat at the table and then drags one of the heavy chairs closer to her, plonking his ass down and placing his hands on hers.

She glances up at me, her eyes red rimmed, tears streaming down her face. It cuts me to the very core of my blackened heart to see her like this.
In the dark hole of my life, Ellena has been a guiding light and though I will not mourn the loss of Gia for a second, I do not like to see her mother like this.

"Tell me my boys. Tell me how my silly girl met her end." Her voice breaks on the last word and I feel as though I might be sick.

Surely not. She doesn't need to hear the dirty details. What good will that do? My head whips to face Benji, pleading with him silently.
Her clouded eyes search mine and then flick to Benji who just lowers his head in response.

A sigh leaves her mouth, low and broken.
She nods softly, reaching out one hand to me. I can't not be there for her in this time of need so I do what I always do,  bend to her will. Taking a knee, I reach a hand to her, gripping it with both hands.

But how can I do this? It will kill her.

She senses my concern and being the gentle wolf I know, she begins to stroke my hand softly with hers. Comforting me when it should be the other way around.

"Boys, nothing you say will make this better or worse. I know my daughter. I know all her faults. I even know her secrets. Nothing you say will make me change my heart or mind for how I feel for you both." Her voice is weak but her will is strong. A true Luna. Even at her worst moments.

Benji clears his throat but I lean into him, letting him know this has to come from me.

With a sad nod, he looks between Ellena and I and tips his head in her direction, tightening his grip on her hands.

Her face turns to me once more, her eyes searching mine for an answer I wish she could read rather than having to hear from me.

"Whatever it is, I'm ready." She steels her resolve, all that she has left, keeping her eyes locked onto mine.

With a deep breath, I recall the entire sordid tale for her. No holds barred. I recount every gory, hard earned detail to completion. Her sobs are soft but constant and her eyes never leave mine. Her hands never let go of my hands. She doesn't hate me.

And though my heart was dead, long before this moment, I swear, the second I tell her about what Alice did to save me, something changes. The look In Ellena's eyes, one of pure love and awe, makes that dead, twisted organ beat just once. But I feel it.

Ellena hauls herself out of the chair and into my arms. Her body shakes with her sorrow and all I can do is hold her whilst my own emotion pours down into the abyss that is my black and broken soul.

"You cannot waste this gift." She whispers in my ear as she allows Benji to pull her to her feet.

As she stands, righting herself, she keeps her eyes trained on mine.

"Gia was my child. Part of my body. I will always mourn her loss. But she was not strong. Not worthy. And not pack.." The words stun me, and Benji it seems as we both just stare, mouth hanging open, no words seem right to reply right this second.

Ellena shakes her head, looking between Benji and I. A small, forlorn smile forms on her face. Looking at her now, I can see that she is barely holding it together. But I also know that she will be ok. This woman has faced much more adversity than people should in one life time and yet, here she is, trying to help me.

Again.

Benji moves to the door, embracing her once more before flipping me a stink eye over her head and then heading to his room. Fucker. I'll deal with him later when this isn't so fresh.

I move to stand next to Ellena, taking her extended hand once more and bringing it to my lips.

"He will be ok. One day, he will have a chance."
Ellena brings her hand to my face, holding me so that I cannot escape her next words.
"That girl has lost more than you can imagine. And then some. Don't take anymore away from her. Or yourself." I don't reply, I can't. Not tonight. It's all too much, and not enough. I don't deal with emotions on a good day. And this is definitely not one of them.

I nod once, offering her a small smile, it's all I have left, before making my way down the hall.

"You deserve this too, Son." Her voice is soft, so only
I can hear. But it doesn't stop her words penetrating deep.

And shit, those words, what she means, they hurt  more than any left over injury from this whole shit show.

And it Burns.