Alice

A small, warm bundle wriggles next to me in a very comfortable bed and the scent of him alone makes me insanely happy. Content I think is the word, the feeling I'm searching for. My heart and my arms are full of the delicious little package that is Rox.

And I couldnt be happier.

Except I could. And as soon as I let my mind awaken from the half asleep stupor it's in, the cold, hard reality comes sneaking back in. Like a thief in the night. Taking without asking. Leaving a lasting feeling of discomfort.

What am I supposed to do now? In the movies I have watched, the grand gesture from the woman is always met with two very distinct scenarios.

The emotion is mutual and they live happily ever after.
Best case scenario.

Or, the sinking reality of love unrequited slaps the poor damsel in the face and she leaves. Her tail tucked between her legs. Her shame obvious to all those she sees.

Most common.

I feel as though every move concerning Gainey that I have made up til now, has firmly cemented me in the second category.

Unrequited and unsure, party of one.

Cuddling up to Rox as he lays in half slumber, I try to block out the events easing up to Gia's untimely and unsightly demise.

Mid sex death by car. It's quite the way to go. My brain is filled with the sights and all of the smells and every time I reach the ending, my gag reflex lets me know what comes next.

It's something I feel will be with me forever. Quite the kicker. Gia wanted to get to me. And she did. For as long as I live, I will see the look on her face as she passed, every time I close my eyes or hear a car tyre screech.

It's quite the eternal fuck you gift.

Huffing, i slink out of bed knowing that any chance of further rest has evaporated and barricade the edges of the mattress with pillows to stop Rox rolling, before heading to the shower. I leave the door open so I can hear if he wakes.

Thoughts run un compromised through my mind. It's a whizz and pop jumble of emotions and thoughts.

What's my next move?
Do I stay or do I go?
And where exactly could I go?

Whether I like it or not, I know with absolute certainty that Damon is coming for us. It's when and not if. And when I truly allow myself to think about it all, the most raw and dangerous of questions pops into my mind before I squash it.

What if they are alive.

What if my mom or Rox's real mom are alive.

The flood of tears that follows as soon as I think these words are unstoppable. I don't think I have actually
cried about any of it before now. I'm clearly having some sort of crisis. A mid mate crisis. It's new. And completely crap.

As I turn off the faucet, I hear a soft knock at the bedroom door and once sniff tells me it's one of the two people I don't really feel like seeing.

And the one I need to see the most.

"Just a second", I call out, hastily throwing on some black yoga pants, the first bra I find and a cream sweater, hastily sweeping my dripping wet hair up into a messy lump on the top of my head.
I flick my eyes over the bed and find Rox has gone back to sleep so I take a steadying breath before i open the door and step out to face Ellena.

I resist looking her in the eyes as I move to pass her and motion for the sitting room across from my bedroom. I leave the bedroom door open a crack and hang onto the door handle a second too long, praying some of the metal sinks into my skin and gives me the strength I need to have this conversation.

Her voice sounds from close behind me;

"Child, nothing you say is going to change how I feel
about you and that pup. Now stop stressing and get over here." Her voice is soft but the meaning behind it is firm. No judgement. Just concern.

Swallowing hard, I nod, accepting that I need to get through this with her, to have any chance of moving forward, no matter the direction I go. I swallow my feelings and turn slowly to move towards the chair facing her.

I take a few seconds to gather what pitiful balls I have and suck it up, finally lifting my gaze to meet Ellena's.

What I see, plain as the day outside the glossy window beside us, is love. Acceptance. In its purest form.

The shock of it all makes me gasp out loud and tears are fleeing from my eyes, like the bastard little traitors they are before I even have a chance at stopping them.
Her hand finds mine in my lap and I have to stifle a very real and very embarrassing sob before it escapes me too.

My body betrays itself and let's it out a second later anyway.

Bitch.

"I'm so sorry Ellena. Truly. I can't even begin to understand how you are even able to look at me." I manage to squeeze out between bursts of tears, my voice is rough, my heart and soul laid bare.

The hand that hold mine gives a quick squeeze before she lets go and uses her soft fingers to lift my chin, making me look directly at her instead of at her neck.

"Now you listen, because I won't say this again. After tonight, we will not speak of Gia unless it is to remember her to her daughter. Gia was my child. My kin. But she was flawed. Scared. Dangerous. She had dreams of living above and beyond her life and I think the final nail in the coffin for those pipe dreams died when you arrived here." Her words are like ice to my veins. I knew Gia was not my biggest fan. That was no secret. But to have felt like I crushed her dreams, whatever they were? That sucks.

We sit in silence for a few minutes. I soak in the meaning of what Ellena has said whilst she ponders the still life outside of our window. The snow falls steadily as we sit in the quiet, but inside my head, an endless stream of thoughts pound the pavement of my brain like a jackhammer.

I can't even begin to process all of this. Gia. Her death. Gainey. His life. Our mateship. I am overrun with emotion and pain and worry. I don't know which way is up in my own damn life.

A warm hand finds mine again, no words are uttered but the comfort that is given is so heartfelt and so heartbreaking, I feel the last piece of my mangled heart fall to pieces.

"Ellena, what do I do now. I know I have no right to ask you, with all that you are going through. But I just don't know what to do. I'm so lost. I did what I thought was right, in the desperation of the moment. But now, in the cold, hard reality, I can see that all I have done is take away a choice that was not my own."
My emotions splinter out of me, tears of sadness and fear.
I have always prided myself on being independent. Strong. But all I feel now in this very moment is hopeless. Broken. Like the weakest, basic bitch around. It's depressing.
How can I continue here? What the hell options do I have? I have taken away Gainey's choice, it's true, but I have also completely fucked my own.

Strong fingers find my chin again, pulling my face from my hands and up to look at her face, Ellena commands my attention with just a look alone.

"Alice, you saved that wolf. He would be dead now, if not for your selfless act. Do not let his rough facade fool you. He is more than you think. You are so much more than you know. Together, you could lead. Make much needed change. But you have to dare to get there first. The question is, do you have the guts to face it? I promise you, being mates to your fated mate, it's so worth it. But your road will not be easy. But then, what was ever worth having if it was easy?" Her small laugh breaks the tension enough for me to take in her advice.

She knows Gainey in ways that I do not. But the trouble is, what I have seen so far is someone who has no regard for the mate bond. For our traditional values. And those are two things I hold dear. Two of the only things I have left from my pack. My upbringing. The way i live. Am I willing to sacrifice who I am and what I believe? Is he willing to bend? To at least try?

Or how about just talk? We have never had a conversation that didn't start or end in an argument.

For the next few moments we just sit, both lost in our own thoughts. The silence is not uncomfortable, in fact, it's a welcome change. I try hard to use this time to focus my thoughts. One step at a time.

The first step has to be talking to Gainey. I need to find out how much he hates me for making this choice. Apologise if there even is a way to do so. If we can't get past that, we have no chance at anything else. If I even want that. If he even wants that.

And so the circle of thought goes.

A small cry alerts me to Rox waking and I leave Ellena, planting a kiss on her head, leaving her to her own thoughts. I move across the hall and enter to see my little boy laying on his tummy, pushing up on his pudgy arms and grunting every time he falls face down.

"Well hello there my little pup." I say, his face instantly lighting up at the sound of my voice.

I gather him up in my arms, scenting his warm skin and moving over to settle him on the change bench so that I can freshen him up for the morning. My stomach grumbles as I do and I quickly finish up with his change so that I can get down to the kitchen to fix us both some breakfast.

I bounce his little bottom on my hip and he tries in vain to suck on my hand as we make our way to the kitchen in the centre of the house. As I head down the hallway I already know that I will find one of the two males I need to speak with waiting for us there.

His scent wafts down the hall to me on the coat tails of freshly brewed coffee and warm buttery bagels and my stomach growling loudly gives my presence away before I have a chance to think of what to say.

"Someone is hungry." Benji says with a small smile as he comes towards me, a warmed baby bottle in one hand and a mug of coffee in the other. He reaches out tentatively, pulling Rox from my arms as he settles into one of the kitchen chairs to feed him as I sit next to them with the coffee.

"Thank you." I say, meaning more than just this simple kind gesture. The way that he meets my gaze lets me know that he gets it. I take a big gulp of the coffee, scalding my tonsils but it helps to settle the raving nerves.

Here goes nothing.

"Benji.. I.. what you have done for me. For us. It's more than I could ever repay. In a million life times. You gave us a home. Gave us back a pack. Gave me a reason to keep going. I hope you know how much you mean to me." I reach forward and place my hand on his forearm, feeling him tense under my finger tips.

His eyes meet finally mine and I see acceptance written all over his face. Disappointment too. But he gets it.

As far as the it's not you it's me speech goes, this sucked ass but it was much needed. Benji has become someone important to me. He is a fair and kind Alpha. Any wolf would be lucky to call him her own.

Just not me. He would be the easier road for sure. Goddess knows.

But I have made my bed, albeit lumpy, grumpy and full of trouble, its mine. For better or worse. Much worse. And now I need to figure out what the hell I'm supposed to do with it.

Benji releases a long, deep sigh and we just hold eye contact for a while, searching for answers be both so desperately need.

He breaks the silence first.

"I just hope you two can figure something out. It's not going to be easy, he isnt easy, but Alice, as much as it pains me to say, he is a good wolf. The best wolf really. Despite how he projects, know there are reasons for all of his behaviour." Benji's voice is so forlorn, so defeated and it kills me to hear him so down.

I think we all need to debrief and have a break before we can even begin to deal with what's coming. But I don't think we will get that liberty.

I only offer a nod in response. It's all I have right now. But I will take on board what he says. He and Ellena know this so called mate of mine better than anyone. If these two amazing, caring and wise wolves think that he is worth the effort, who am I to disbelieve them?

Oh? You know, only the woman he has hurt a few times since I have been here.

Bitter, party of one, maybe two.

I finish my coffee in silent thought whilst Benji feeds Rox, clearly lost in his own mind too.

We are almost finished when I scent him coming down the hall and as my eyes flick to meet Benji's, his face switches from impassive to stern in the blink of an eye.
Curious. He has beef with the Beta too.

I take a deep breath and ready myself. Game face bitch. This mate of mine, he and I have a date with a well over due chat.

About our future. Together. Whatever the fuck that is.