Thank you to mameamaj  for assisting with the character aesthetics :)

Alice

The drive back to the apartment is frosty and it's not due to the frigid weather developing outside.
It's hard to keep my flailing mind focused on the narrow road ahead. The fucking irony is not lost on me. Everything is racing. My blood bursts through my veins. My head throbs, the combined and combative pain biting at my miffed subconscious.

It's all too much.

My mate. A Longridge. Fawning over some skank pack member. In front of me. Rejecting me, well pretty close to. It's all but a formality now.
The thing that gets to me the most is that he had such a disappointed look on his face. Like I was a let down for him alone.

Sure, I'm no supermodel but I'm ok. I'm smart. Educated. Loyal, more than he will ever know.

I'm not perfect but I'm enough. I'm more.

And what about me? I have saved myself for the ideal of finding my mate. For all these years. Hoping that someone would do the same for me.

And yet here he is. Obviously involved with this pretty little female. And probably many others from this pack and beyond if this is how he behaves in front of me.

The asshole. The audacity.

It's so awkwardly tragic. Just like my life. It's sadly fitting. This is literally how my luck tends to strike. Cold. With a side of fuckery.

I crank up the heat to overdrive and attempt to focus solely on my drive back to the apartment. Eyes on the prize. Focus. The mission. That's what is important. I need to get this little baby warm, fed and tucked into bed asleep. I need to have a large glass of wine, a solo pity party Bridget Jones style and then try to wade through the knee high bullshit of it all and figure out what the fuck my next move is.

Simple.

If only I could call Emma. Or my mom. I need them in times like this. Whenever I have found myself at a cross road, I have previously relied on one of the two most important females in my life. One of them would hug me and feed me warm cocoa and tell me the moon goddess has a plan and the other would curse and slag off the boys and drink horrible cheap box wine with me until the wee hours.

Goddess I miss them. So much. Always. Every damn second of every goddess forsaken day.

I always fantasized about the day I would meet my mate. Whether she admits it or not, every she wolf does. The one wolf in all the world who was made for us. Us alone. He was supposed to love me unconditionally and protect me from the world.
Not look pitifully unhappy at the sight of me and canoodle with some random thirsty bitch naked in a field infront of me!

It's just the absolute anti climax mate-meet of the century. The opposite of a meet cute. It was a meet shit show. Of course this is how I met my mate. It's like the moon goddess wanted to have a good old laugh and just labelled me the laughing stock of the wolf world. First my pack and now my mate.

Gone.

In some ways it's better this way. Gainey would have been a bump in the road for my bigger picture. How could I ever expect him to understand that in the grand scheme of things, Rox trumps mate.

So this is better.

Easier.

Right?

But fuck if it doesn't hurt. It seers deep. Right into my twin wolf and human soul. This was my chance to have at least one part of my forever. And he threw me away. Before he even heard me out.

My ego took a huge hit today. Rejected on sight. Ouch. That one stings.

As I finally pull into the safety of the hidden car park, the little apartment never looked so good. All I want to do is get Rox settled, have a snuggle with him warm little body on the couch and then wallow in my self pity for a few moments.

Then I will shrug it off and pack those emotions into the never to be opened case I hide in my mind. I need to move on. Plan our next move. Leave the last remaining crumbs of the dream I had for my life behind, and I won't look back.
Because one thing is for absolute certain.
I can't stay here.

I switch off the car ignition and get ready to face the cool night air. It's beginning to be so much colder in the evenings. I need to just take essentials inside and get Rox out of the stirring elements. Fast.

Taking a steadying breath, I make a break for it into the dark. Under the dim lighting of the one working car park light, I grab my bag and swing it onto my back, before opening the back door and covering him up as best I can and unclipping his car seat.

We make a quick break for the little ramshackle elevator and once inside, I click the keys over my shoulder to lock the car and breathe a sigh of relief.
Which I never thought possible from inside this tiny death trap.

We whir and bang our way to the top floor and the second I open up the gate and door, I become aware that I have a visitor.

An unwelcome visitor.
My asshole of a mate can't take a hint,

His tall, bulky frame is visible even under the barely lit hallway lighting. His silhouette alone gives away his identity.

"I thought we had nothing left to discuss." I bark out as I make my way towards my door.

That he is very purposely standing directly in front of.

"I believe we have a few things to talk about." He replies flatly and my heart begins to dance to an irregular beat.

Fucking heartless bastard.

Of course. He wants to mark his little whore and can't do it freely until we make the rejection formal.

"Right. You better come in then." I manage to squeeze out, though my throat feels like I'm housing one or two amphibians inside. I swallow them down along with the bitterness I feel at his presence.

He makes a move toward me and I flinch reflexively. I don't trust his intentions. And I definitely do not trust him.

"I just wanted to take the baby, while you open the door." He says, retreating a little, hands in the air like he is surrendering against an enemy.

"I can manage alone. Thank you." I reply in a harsh tone as I move past him and unlock the door, swinging inside and placing Rox down so that I can take off my bag.

"I see that." He says so softly that I barely catch it. He enters after me, cautiously, eyes roaming the small space.

I was right before. Having a large male form in the minuscule living area only amplifies the tiny size of it all.

He looks like a giant inside of a dolls house.

Rox begins to whine a little and I unclip him, gathering his sweet form up and holding him to my chest. His scent immediately calms me and I place my nose into his warm squish-able body, breathing him in like he is a drug.

"I just need to get this little pup a bottle and settle him for the night and then we can get down to... it." I say, refusing to make too much eye contact. I look everywhere but his face because I just can't seem to breathe right around him.

Especially not in such tight quarters. It's like his very aroma permeates the room. It's overwhelming all my senses and my wolf is going insane.

He both infuriates and ignites my soul and my senses. Equally. I can see now the glorious entanglement that people discuss. The moment your soul begins to entwine itself around another. I am so drawn to him, in every way. Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually.

It's raw and powerful. And for me, I can personally add horrifying and devastating.

I stare a little too long and a warm flush takes over his neck and face. It only serves to make him more attractive to me. Less monster and more human.

Damn it. I just want to hate him.
At least I know I'm not alone in the uncomfortable situation we find ourselves bound by. He feels awkward too.

"Ah, ok. Can I help? I can hold him while you prepare it if you like?" Gainey asks awkwardly , extending his arms ever so slowly towards me. He is treating me like a wild animal, taking slow and calculated moves, incase I bolt. Or worse, go for his jugular.

Either move sounds great right about now. I'm so confounded by it all. I don't know whether I want to kiss him or kill him.

But Im leaning heavily towards kill.

I take in his wide eyed expression, no animosity behind it, only something else, apprehension maybe? Fear masquerading as bravado in a situation that neither of us wanted to be in.

I use my wolf sense to assess him quicky. I do not detect any malice or ill will towards Rox so I trust my most basic instinct and hand the baby to him slowly.

His strong hands grip the baby under the arms and then I watch closely as he brings Rox into his chest, adjusting his grip and cradling him safely against his body, bouncing up and down ever so softly.

It's a paradox to behold. This giant wolf rocking the tiny pup so gently. And with such expertise, it's like he has done it many times before.

He must catch the bemused look I'm wearing because he shoots me a confident look and says quickly;

"My sister has many pups." He does not make eye contact with me for too long as he relays this information. Instead, he goes back to cooing quietly to Rox, who seems quite relaxed in the capable arms of this giant of a man.

It's a surprise. A nice one. But any happiness I feel will be short lived. I need to keep a clear mind about why he is here.

As I prepare the bottle for Rox, I let myself daydream, just once, just a little about what this picture could have been.

My mate, soothing our pup as he waits for his milk. His bountiful yet careful arms, holding him gently as he bounces him. My male whispering soft words into his ear. Scenting him. Loving him. Us.

My heart breaks a little more, the last piece cracking apart, crumbling along with any dream I had left. It turns quickly to ash, falling with my fresh tears into the abyss of my despair.

This is just too much.

This dream will never be.

I wipe my face and try to act stoic once more as I shake the bottle and test it on my forearm before walking back to the little den.

I find Gainey on the couch, Rox resting comfortably in the wide nook of his arm, waiting for his dinner.
Gainey's head lifts up and his gaze catches mine briefly as I enter the room.

We both stare openly for a fraction of a second before I avert my eyes, handing him the bottle into his outstretched hand.

" Only if you don't mind." He asks, taking the bottle from me as as I shake my head no. Its the only answer I can muster at this very moment. My nerves much too fragile, I couldn't possibly reply in words.

He shimmies back on the couch so that his shoulders are relaxed against the back support as he brings his elbow to lay on top of the arm rest. He brings the bottle to Rox' lips, caressing it there for a few breaths before he latches and begins to guzzle it down.

"He is a hungry little pup." Gainey remarks, smiling warmly at the young one as he taken in the warm milk.

"Always. He is like his father in that way." I say fondly but catch myself immediately. The warmth in the room is sucked away in a second as Gainey's eyes meet mine. A fire brews behind them.

"And who might that be?" He asks slowly. Calculated. I do not sense any harm behind his tone, only natural curiosity.

Still, no matter what the reason for his question. I cannot answer it truthfully. It's too risky. Though I don't believe him to be a risk, I don't know him.

"A friend. Both his parents were my best friends." I say carefully, expelling a breath and waiting for his next move.

His eyes go wide for a very brief moment before he shifts them away from me and looks back down at Rox.

"He is an orphan." He murmurs, deep in thought. Sadness evident in his tone.

"No." I reply quickly, warning, hoping that he catches my meaning fast. I don't want this to be an invitation for him to go looking for answers. It's my story to tell. Not his to unravel.

"My mistake." He replies lowly, lifting his eyes to meet mine once more. He understands this much at least. Rox is mine.

I relax a little, stepping forward and slinking myself onto the couch beside them. Far enough apart that I don't have to make physical contact with Gainey but close enough that I could snatch Rox back quickly if need be.

I dont know this male. But something tells me that I don't need to worry about him harming us.

Not physically anyway.

We sit in comfortable silence as Rox suckles at his bottle, completing it in no time. I watch slightly in awe as Gainey place the empty bottle aside and places the pup over his shoulder, burping him softly.

My heart races and my mind floods with images. Against my wishes. But its undeniable. I'm already missing what I never had. A future with this male would have looked like this.

But I don't get to watch him care for our young. That female does. And that thought alone is a slap in the face that I need to remind myself to get this over and done with.

I can't put off the inevitable. Believe me, I have tried.

"Ill get him settled for night and we can get this done." I say gruffly, moving to take Rox from Gainey. My fingers brush his arm ever so slightly and the small touch makes me gasp aloud.

I hide my blush as I stalk down the hallway, avoiding his eyes on my face and internally reprimanding myself as I change Rox and wrap him snugly for bed.
After settling him and tucking him in, I steady my nerves as best I can and head out to face my fate.

And my mate.

He is standing now, facing out of the balcony. His arms are stretched each side above his head, giving me a very pleasant view of his generous back and shoulders.

Damn it. I'm a sucker for the arms.

Remind me to curse the moon goddess for all eternity once this is final.

I clear my throat as I enter the room and as he turns to face me, his expression is as clear as day.
He is nervous about this too.

Good. At least he isn't being jovial.
I start before I can chicken out;

" So, I guess we should just get this done then. Is there anything specifically that your pack does to handle this?" I ask, my voice faltering on the last few words. I twiddle my thumbs and scratch at an imaginary itch on my hand. My breathing is shallow and rapid and I'm sure my sweat is beginning to create a puddle on the floor.

He tips his head to the side a little, a frown pulling his brows together.

" I'm not sure what you mean." He murmurs, taking a tentative step towards me, stopping himself at an arms length apart.

I swallow and try to find my voice, gesturing back and forward between us with my hand.

"This, us, how do we do this." I try to sound confident but I'm sure I come off as anything like it.

From the look on his face, pure confusion, I'm not being very clear. He is not picking up anything I'm putting down. Fuck. I'll have to spell it out.

Damn it. Here goes the last of my emotions.

I clear my throat again, trying to hold onto any kind of dignity I can find.

"The rejection. Us. How do we do this? Just say the words? I haven't actually ever seen or known anyone who rejected their... Ah.. fated, so I don't really know where to start. I guess it's just, I, Alice Ren, Daughter of June and Amerigo of H..." I stop myself for two reasons.

One, I was about to name my pack and two, and more importantly, Gainey's face is a picture of shock and devastating surprise as i begin to say the words.
He steps forward and grabs a hold of my shoulders with both of his powerful hands.

"Alice, what are you doing?" He says, his eyes wide orbs and his frown so deep now, it may have caused permanent worry markers on his face.

I stand bewildered for a few moments. Partly from his hold on me and our close proximity partly the shock of him stopping my formal rejection.

I stammer out a question;

" I'm sorry.. I... Was I doing it incorrectly?" Embarrassed, I manage to ask, trying hard not to lose myself in his memorising gaze but failing miserably.
Does it make me weak to admit that I am allowing myself to just enjoy his touch whilst it lasts? Even just for a brief second.

"No, I mean. You are correct in your approach but I just... I wasn't expecting this. I didn't.... " He breaks off, sliding his arms down mine before stepping back  towards the window again, dragging his hand down his face.

It's my turn to be shocked.

"You didn't come here to reject me?" I ask, hesitating once more. He has managed to throw me for multiple loops in such a short amount of time. It must be some sort of record.

He turns to face me once more. Shock evident on his beautiful stone- carved features

" No." He says confidently. Surprisingly.

I have no reaction. None. My body is in shock. My mind seems asleep.
My wolf is the only part of me that seems to be alive. And she is thrilled.

What a love sick pup she is. Naieve.

I mange to sober up. Summoning the last of the courage I have, I force my eyes to meet his. As equals. I need to know what game he is playing. Because it's killing me slowly, burning me to ash from the inside to out.

" I thought that is why you were here. So we could end this, allowing you to formalise what you were performing in public in the field today. With your... Chosen." I spit the last words out, the taste they weave in my mouth is bitter. With a side of sour.

Again he seems shocked. Has he forgotten that little show he put on today? Or that she put on rather. She was not shy in her performance.

" My what? No. I.... shit, I realise what it may have looked like but I have made no formal choice on this matter." He moves towards me once more but does not touch me. Instead, he stalks around behind the couch and leans forward. As if he is using it to hold him up. Perhaps I am not the only one with a heavy heart.

"I apologise for that display today. I am not involved with that female... Anymore. God. I'm.... fuck Alice. You have to realise what a shock this was. For both of us I now understand. I knew you by scent the night you stayed at the pack house and when Benji said there was an unmated female and a child there, well, my anger got the better of me and for that I am sorry." He searches my face for a response but I cannot even begin to form any type of cohesive thought.

I'm helplessly flailing again.

Its as though he senses as much, he continues;

" I wanted to reject you that night. I was furious. Disappointed. But I did not tell Benji or Ellena."

He moves around the couch and gently coaxes me backwards until I'm sitting and then he does the same, precariously perching beside me on the tiny seat.
I balance on the edge, trying desperately to understand this male.

"When I saw you. Your wolf with Benji . Your human form. I wasn't ready for the rush of emotion. I was Angry. Hurt. Disappointed that you were with another and had a pup. Angry with myself for being affected. So, unfairly, I used that female."

I cannot form one single word. All I can feel is the tiny spark of hope inside me, trying desperately to keep the flickering flame alive.

He stands abruptly, moving away from me towards the tiny kitchen. He turns to face me, opening his mouth but then quickly closes it again.

This has to be the most awkward situation I have ever been in. I just have no clue what he is trying to say.
I decide to flat out ask, rather the sit her and try to decipher Beta man talk any longer.
I just don't have the patience.

I stand and walk a few steps towards him and Deidre to just lay it out on the table because really.... What the hell do I have to lose anymore ?

"Gainey, forgive me but what the actual fuck do you want? A rejection? A mating? Just spit it out because your man splaining is giving me whiplash and I am way too tired for this." I blurt, watching his eyes flare wide as he stands there in silence.

After a long pause that makes my heart race irrationally, he finally clears his throat. I can see the decision on his features before he opens his mouth and my heart sinks again.
Foolish. Foolish foolish foolish.

"Alice I'm sorry but I don't want a mate. I never want a mate. And it's nothing to do with you, but I'm hoping you will agree to not reject me formally for now. I'm
Sure you are aware of the old customs that tell of a males power being reduced if his fated rejects him. I'm sorry. I know that's not fare but with the state of... well, things happening, I have to request that you don't. And if you do? Well, I won't accept."

His tone is flat. Dejected. Bored even.

And my body fuckinf explodes on the inside. My wolf howls in my mind and what is left of any spark of hope inside me for a future with this male, dissipates into ash.
This fucker. He wants me to go around with an mated relationship or even worse, an unfinished rejection. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse.

I blow out a breath before I let rip on this ass and just nod. I can't even begin to tackle this right now.
I have nothing left to give.
My body feels instantly drained.
Of power. Of emotion,
Of any hope at all.

I take the last few steps to close the distance between us and stand right before him, the male chosen for me by the deity we trust and honour.

Except he has no honour. No faith, no loyalty to all we hold dear. Because if he did, he would never choose to punish me like this. He would never choose to fuse me to this half life.

But he has. And I just have no fight left in me to do anything other than agree.

So I do.

I look into his beautiful, hateful face and I say;

"Ok. Now leave."

I turn my back on him without waiting for a response. I pad to the bedroom and quietly sink into the bed.

And weep.
For me. For Rox. For mom. For Em.

For it all.