Rosy

I sit watching the moon sink out of sight behind the trees on the other side of the pond. The rock I sit on still retains a trace of the days heat and I can feel it soaking up into my body through the soles of my feet. I have my arms wrapped around my upraised legs as I rest my cheek against the top of my knees. The wisp that is the night's breeze cools the tears on my cheek and I lick my lips tasting the saltiness left behind. There are no words to describe my pain, the pain I have endured each moment I have been here on my mountain for the last three and a half days.

I hear a faint brush of skin on rock and turn my head so I can bury my face against my knees to hide my tears. I feel rather than hear someone sit beside me without touching me. It's not Sam, he is sleeping on the bed in the shack, too thankful for the comfort of the bed for his now healing body. Somehow the mountain has worked its magic on both my brother and myself, feeding strength and life into us. But there's something more ...

"It's beautiful here," Malcolm says beside me interrupting my thoughts.

I make a faint sound of agreement but my throat is thick with tears and the sound barely escapes me. A warm hand touches my back and Malcolm begins to rub my back in soothing circles, his kindness is too much to bare and I lift my hands up to lace my fingers behind my head as I try to muffle my sobs against my knees.

"I'm here," Malcolm soothes softly. "You're not alone,"

I sob against my knees, my heart feeling as if it is breaking. Why oh why can't the numbness of my memories carry over into my life? I have been remembering more and more of my life this last week, bland black and white memories that lack emotions. The knowledge of how I had felt at the time accompanies them but it is only knowledge, no remnants of the emotions linger. I haven't spoken to anyone of the memories that have returned, instead I have examined them in private going over and over them in my mind.

I fist my hands in my hair pulling on the strands tightly, I start slightly as Malcolm grasps my hands as if he can stop me pulling my own hair out. He tilts me over to lean against his shoulder and I turn in his arms wrapping my arms around him as I bury my face against his chest. He holds me close rocking me gently and the memory of another time he had held me while my heart was breaking plays through my mind.

"It hurts, it hurts so damned much!" I sob as I clutch at him.

"Your head? Is your head hurting?" Malcolm asks in concern. I still for a moment in his arms as I try to find the words to explain but loose courage, I nod my lie against his chest. I cling to him until my tears stop and only the occasional hiccup breaks the silence. When I ease away from him I wipe both cheeks with the flats of my palms before getting to my feet and shucking my clothes. I glance up at the stars in the sky, it must be close to two in the morning, I pause a moment at the waters edge before walking in.

The water is soothing and calming as I glide forward and swim lazily towards the middle of the pond. The symphony of night creatures is soothing as I roll onto my back before scooping handfuls of water to wash the tears from my face. The cold water does nothing to wash the sound of a crying baby from my mind and it does not erase the ache from my empty arms. The chill of the water finally forces me to leave the pond and I stand at the waters edge squeezing water from hair for a few moments.

Ceskia and Annushka have returned from their nightly hunting and I look across to where Malcolm is talking with them. I watch as Annushka runs a hand down his arm before walking off into the shadows, Malcolm glances back at me without a

word before following her. I pull my clothes on and move to a spot where the morning sun first hits the flat rocky face at the edge of the sand that has been worn from the rock and washed into a miniature sand bank. I sit in the indentation I have made the last two nights and lean back on the boulder behind me. I can watch the reflections of the stars on the pond as I laze with my head tilted slightly to the left.

Ceskia makes no sound as she sits not far from me on a small boulder and begins to chew on a stem of mint. The sweet tangy fills the air as she slowly crushes the herb between her teeth, I reach my hand out towards her and she grunts softly as she places one of several un-chewed stems of mint in my hand.

"Malcolm, he be worrying. You head hurting you?" Ceskia asks gently.

I don't look away from the pond and the peace I find there but I do raise one hand to the side of my head and finger my hair over one spot where my scalp is tender, several loose strands cling to my fingers as I lower my hand before giving a slight nod. We continue to sit there nibbling the stems of mint, the taste tangy and refreshing, soothing my frayed emotions.

"My kind, we have two three cubs when we breed," Zia says softly. "My son haved no brother, no sister. Big. Husky. Him no could be borned. They cut to save the cub. The males rule our land his father want a son greatly. They take my son, they take my future sons ..."

I stop nibbling the mint as it hits me what she means. Not just the loss of her child but also the place he grew. I hear her take a deep breath and it takes her several seconds before I hear her whisper.

"Some night when moon is new like that night," Zia's sigh catches slightly, "I hear my son cry like him cry when he father take him from the room, away me."

She exhales a shaky breath and I glance at her, she is watching the stars in the night sky and I can see the slight glimmer of tears in her eyes.

"Five year," Kia says glancing my way and meeting my eyes. I look away quickly denying the ache of my empty arms and the hollow throb within me.

"You hear him? Your son?" Kia asks quietly and glances at me once again before looking away. I shake my head as I feel tears flood my eyes, a sob escapes me as do the words I try to stop.

"My daughter, my little girl," I find myself choking back sobs as Kia murmurs something soft in a soothing voice.

"It hurt, I know this," The words Kia whispers as I bite my bottom lip unlock the floodgates and I find myself talking to this stranger.

As I talk I find myself talking about emotions I had refused to admit I had been feeling. The empty helpless ache of not being able to hold my newborn, the feeling of betrayal, of jealousy, that bit deep when Micah returned from holding her. The times I had lain awake alone knowing, sensing, and feeling my daughter's distress even though I had been unable to hear it. The pain of knowing I was unable to do a single thing to comfort my own child, that knowledge had stung as it cut to the bone. I had been willing to risk my own life so she had a chance for life. I would have given my life for her but there was nothing she wanted from me, nothing she needed. So I had helped her the only way possible for me to.

I had kept away. Each time they had handed her to me she had cried and fought, wasting energy that should have went into helping her grow, to thrive. The realisation that the best, the only, way I could truly help her had been to step back and let her go, to give her over to others to care for. I had pushed them all away, refusing to hold her because I had known that I would not be able to give my child away anymore. I was that weak in my need for her.

I wrap my arms around my lower ribs as I rock back and forth in an instinctive attempt to soothe the deep aching emptiness. In my mind I can still hear that faint internal beat of the heart that had grown beneath my own. No one had seemed to understand my pain, they had only been intent on forcing me onto a child who had no need of me.

I give a startled cry as Kia pulls me over sideways but I welcome the warmth as she curls her body around my back. I don't understand all of her words as she talks in her native language but I understand enough to follow as she tells me her own pain, her own loss, her story.

We both change into our cats at some stage during the darkest hours and curl up, back to back. We doze on the sand as the stars make their journey across the sky. It is as the first hues of light touch the eastern sky that I wake up and get to my feet to yawn and stretch. I go to the waters edge to lap several mouthfuls of water before I walk over to a patch of fresh green grass and begin to delicately nibble at the tender green shoots. I gorge on the green shoots until I have to stretch out in the shade, I watch lazily as Kia wakes and takes to the water to swim and play. I feel particularly lazy as I stretch out on my side and doze in the early morning freshness. I barely wake enough to open an eye as Kia stretches out in the sun nearby and begins to groom herself leisurely.

I lead the way up the rock face as I climb ever higher up the mountain, behind me only Annushka follows now. Sam, Malcolm and finally Kia had ceased to follow me as I travelled ever upwards. I glance back at Annush, she leaps gracefully from ledge to ledge and I turn away as I continue upwards. The air is crisp and clear as I gaze out over the surrounding bushland, I pause on a sunny ledge and stretch out on my stomach in the morning sunshine. I yawn and stretch before looking to the north where storm clouds are already forming.

I swivel my ears, I can hear cicadas and crickets singing an unusual morning melody. I lick an itchy spot on my right fore leg and use my teeth to pull at the small grass seed I find against my skin. I feel the hair along my spine slowly lift to stand on end and get to my feet. I lick the leather of my nose and lift my chin as I search the breeze for any scent. Again I feel the hair along my spine stand on end and I lower my head to chuff anxiously. I lead the way back down taking my time to move carefully, the odd loose stone moves slightly but it does not bother my stride down over the rocks. Soon I can feel soil beneath my paws and I glance back to make sure Annush is still following.

My steps gradually get faster, from a stead walk I am soon slinking forward in the long flowing fast movements that break into a trot. It doesn't take too long before I have moved back past where the others felt to the wayside one by one. My trot becomes a lope and I use the down hill momentum to conserve energy. I can hear the others behind me but it is what I can't hear in front of me that has my attention and urges me forward.

Finally I reach the edge of a clearing down away from my shack, I slow to a walk and lift my head as I breathe deeply to catch my breath. A minute, then two passes, another, and another until finally I almost start to wonder why I came down off my mountain. Suddenly I lift my head, my ears flick back and forth as my eyes search down the mountain. I see a flicker in the shadows, a hint of movement and throw myself forward as I race down the track. Excitement and anticipation fill me and then I see the two figures trudging uphill with their heads down.

I hear a cat crying pathetically only to realise it is me as the larger of the two figures looks up. I can't contain myself and leap towards him, racing at full speed. I force myself to a halt and stop just out of reach as he drops to his knees in front of me. I am lost in the depths of his eyes, the edges of my vision blur and spin out of focus.

I can almost hear the sound of music, almost hear the female voice singing. Instead I hear the deep rumble of my husband's voice ...

Hey,

Honey I'm Home

We go down in a tangle of limbs, I feel strangely numb, I don't understand how I came to be lying here sprawled haphazardly in human form in the tall weeds ...

"My Rosy, my Rosy," The sound of his voice crooning to me as he rests his forehead against the top of my skull brings me back to here and now.

"I couldn't stay away any longer," Micah tells me as he runs his hands up and down my neck, over my furred shoulders. I lift my head and purr softly as I nuzzle his face. I feel myself changing to human form, the pain of his touch ignored as I am finally able to grasp his arms and press close against his body as he sits up. He pulls his shirt off and hands it to me, suddenly I am embarrassed by my loss of control and pull the shirt on as I get to my feet.

"You're coming home," Micah orders firmly. "You said no when I was here two weeks ago but I am not leaving you here this time. Over a month up here away from your children is enough!"

I sigh softly as I look away from him and out over the land around us. I turn to head back towards the shack to collect my things and evade Micah as he tries to grasp my upper arm.

"You're coming home!" He says between gritted teeth.

I fold his shirt tightly around me and hold it in place with my arms as I ignore him. I can hear him behind me as I walk, I am aware of Steven walking with Malcolm and Sam, both of whom are now in human form. I glance around but only catch a fleeting glimpse of Zia for a moment off in the bush. We travel in silence until we reach the pond and I stop as I glance towards my brother.

"Can you get my stuff please Sam?" I ask quietly. "I need to have a few words with Micah, privately,"

Sam glances between the two of us uncertainly before giving a nod and leading the others towards the shack. I sit down on a rock slab and pat a spot a little away from me. Micah sits down with a faint grunt and I stifle the feeling of satisfaction at his annoyance.

"I've been remembering a lot of things," I say quietly and pause a few moments as he sucks in a sharp breath. " It's patchy, a lot of stuff is missing, like the way a scratched movie disc skips and jumps at times. But I remember stuff,"

"What do you need?" Micah asks eagerly but with a trace of wariness in his voice.

"I don't know. I'm not sure," I tell him slowly. "It's ... I remember things, stuff that's happened but ...its like a movie without the sound or just the sound track and a blank screen." I sigh softly as I search to find the words.

"Go on," Micah urges softly.

"I remember bits and pieces," I say as I lay back and gaze up at the sky, looking at the clouds moving across the sky. "I remember what happened, I remember how I felt at the times ... but ... I don't remember how it felt,"

"I don't follow what you're saying," Micah says sounding slightly confused.

I take a deep breath and close my eyes, I brush the fringe of hair off my face as the breeze blows the strands across my skin and I sit up as the idea hits me.

"You're aware of the breeze ..." I say glancing at Micah. He looks surprised for a moment then gives the slightest of nods.

"It's there, you feel it, and you know you feel it." The words gush forth. "There's the sensation of the coolness across your skin,"

"Yeah," Micah says. The sound a confirmation of his understanding, the awareness of the breeze, the feeling of it as it skitters across our skins.

" If it was one of my memories I would remember how the breeze felt but not the sensation itself. Do you understand? Can you understand?" I ask. I frown at his confused look and look away in annoyance.

"I remember you, I remember us, I remember you were my world, my everything," I look back at him as I hear him suck his breath in through his teeth.

"God woman! You almost made my heart jump out of my chest!" Micah says with a shaky laugh.

"I don't know if it felt as if my heart almost burst from being too fall back then like it does now when I think of my boys. I know I was happy back then but no trace of that emotion lives in my memory." I tell him making him look at me warily. "I know I loved you back then, that I'm half way to being in love with you now ..."

I look away as sadness fills me, I fiddle with the hem of his shirt that I wear finally looking at him when he is still silent a few minutes later.

"I remember I loved you, I remember it was the most wonderful feeling in my world. But I don't remember how it felt on my skin, in my heart ... the emotion," I whisper. "My cat, she knows we have lost something beyond measure,"

Suddenly I am being pulled into his arms, I feel his lips brush against my temple, feel the dampness of his tears as he rested his cheek against where he had kissed.

"I can't tell you how it felt for you to be in love with me but ..." I hear him take a shaky breath. "You feel like the other half of me, I feel complete with you. When you were gone it was almost as if someone had cut off one of my arms and one of my legs. You give me balance ..."

"Shhh," I break into his speech as I settle myself more comfortably in his arms. I relax for a few moments before pushing out of his arms to turn and look into his face. I can see the love and happiness that shine in his eyes as he looks into my eyes.

"There's just one more thing I have to tell you," I say almost reluctantly. His gaze flicks between my eyes as he tries to gauge my demeanour.

"What?" Micah asks cautiously.

"When I was on heat, the contraceptive, it didn't work," I tell him and watch the shock flare in his eyes. "I'm pregnant,"

**********

For those readers suddenly counting on fingers ... Micah's baby has been growing about ten weeks, give or take a few days ;)