My heart feels tight and fast and anxious,

When things are out of my control.

I feel a need to grasp at anything I can,

For when there is no sense of stability or familiarity or predictability,

I feel like everything around me will shatter into a million pieces.

Including me.

***

Maybe it's because I've had to take on this role my whole life,

This role of taking care of everything. Planning, being on time, making sure things line up.

This role that has been the cause of my stress.

Or perhaps it's because things have happened, in my past, that I had no control over.

And now I'm frantically reaching for something, anything, that I can control.