"Chug! Chug! Chug!" The crowd in the tavern chanted. The members of Vox Machina chugged their ales,their cheeks pink with all the alcohol they already drank. Well, all except Percy who stood back with a glass of wine. And Scanlan who was nowhere to be found. Grog slammed his cup down first.

"Yeah! That's right,who's the best?" He cheers.

"Grog wins. Again." Percy said,unamused.

"Fuck me. Why do we always play drinking games with a guy twice our size?" Vax sighs out.

"Because,it's the fastest way to get drunk,obviously." Vex tells him. "Just look at Isona." They turn to said girl,who seemingly passed out as soon as Grog won,her hand still wrapped around her ale. Pike poked her side,making the girl shoot up.

"They planted the jewels on me!" Isona relaxed when she saw she was still in the tavern.

"You are such a light weight,my darling." Isona glared at her boyfriend.

"Am not. At least I'm not as bad as Keyleth." She jabs her thumb to said elf,who was puking on the floor.

"Didn't you only have one ale?" Pike asks her as she pats her back with a grimace. An orc walks by and steps in her puddle.

"Watch it,bitch." He says and shoves her back.

"Hey,you watch it dicknose!" Grog says and stands up. Pike holds a hand out to stop him.

"Easy Grog. We don't waste our time on talking assholes,remember?" Grog sits back down with a huff. Isona finishes off her ale.

"Oi,tavern keep. Another round for Vox Machina,the greatest band of mercenaries in all the realm." Vex calls out. The same orc let out a loud laugh.

"The greatest? I heard you couldn't even save a cow from a burning barn. Vox Machina. What a fucking joke." The orc and his group laughs. Vox Machina all glance at each other, then Vax stands and walks over to the other table and stabs his knife in it.

"Let's keep things civil,friend. We're not looking for trouble." The orc stands and towers over Vax.

"Oh I bet you ain't." He grabs Vax's collar,Isona sits up straighter. "Everyone knows you're all a bunch of pathetic losers who can't get a fucking job. Look at your scrawny ass. Too weak to tickle your own pickle."

"You offering to help?" Vax asks him.

"Yeah. Uh well...no. Fuck you!" Isona lets out a loud laugh.

"Oh,I was only asking you to give me a hand." As soon as the words left Vax's mouth,Grog came up and sliced off the orcs hand. He screams and falls back against the bar.

"I think he was willing. Can I keep this?" Grog asks while waving the hand around. The orc growls and orders his men to attack. Vox Machina readies their weapons.

"Oh come on,can't we ever have a peaceful drinking day?" Isona asks but charges with the group anyway. Another orc runs at Isona,she ducks out of the way and he runs past her. She turns and takes a step back,only to trip and fall on top of Vex and Pike.

"Hey,can you two lovely ladies stay out of the way." She says.

"Says you." Sasses Vex.

"You guys tripped over me." Pike says as she blocks a thrown cup without looking. They then roll out of the way as a sword swung down. Isona stands and turns back to the orc. He runs at her again and she thrusts her sword forward,stabbing him in his nether regions. She pauses,and roars in laughter.

"I was aiming for your chest,how did that happen?" She says in between laughter. The orc cradles himself as he lays on the floor. Isona shrugs and walks away.

"STOP." Everyone stops and turns to the tavern keep.

"First,you people drink me dry,then you destroy my tavern. And what is that gnome doing with my daughter?" The keep points to a room,where Scanlan is with the daughter.

"It's probably best you don't know." He says and goes back to what he was doing.

"Who's paying for all of this?" Vex walks to the bar.

"Goodness,such a mess. Absolutely dreadful. But I can assure you,darling, Vox Machina will find those responsible..." The keep interrupts Vex's attempt at sweet talk.

"Don't even try it. Money now." Vex sneakily passes her brother the bag of coins they swiped earlier.

"Well,you see,we don't exactly have any money on us,per se. But if you give me five..." The group was then,literally,thrown out. 

"And stay out!" The door was slammed. Scanlan puts back on his clothes as the group sits up on the ground. Vax sits on a overturned barrel,Isona leans back against the side and lays her head back on his thigh,the fighting and the cooler outside air sobered her up. Grog plays with the severed hand.

"Does this mean we're officially banned from every tavern in Emon?" Keyleth speaks up.

"Wonderful. We've got no money,no place to live and fuck all for prospects." Vax responds. Isona reaches up and grabs his hand in an attempt to comfort him.

"Well,if perhaps someone didn't accidentally decapitate the last fellow who hired us." Percy says while glaring at Grog,who was making the hand put up the middle finger.

"Well,I apologized didn't I?"

"We have a mountain of debt and..." Vex shakes the bag of coins she took. "Oh good,three silver to our name."

"We need a job,anything at this point." Isona speaks up.

"I mean,if protecting carts from swindlers and killing goblins for gold isn't getting us anywhere, I don't know maybe...maybe we could try doing some good this time?" The group stares at Pike.

"Nah."

"Boring."

"Pike,ethics are a luxury we currently can't afford." Percy tells her.

"Have you guys ever thought maybe we're not really meant to do this?" Keyleth asks. Isona turns toward her closest friend.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean,Vex only cares about herself. Vax only cares about himself and Isona."

"Well,fuck you." The twins say at the same time.

"Isona is only here to ogle at Vax."

"Not true! I ogle at you too." Isona says,throwing Keyleth a cheeky look. The elf rolls her eyes,but Isona can see her already pink cheeks turn a shade darker.

"Grog just want to murder everyone."

"Yeah,pretty much."

"Percy barely wants to be seen with us in public,and Scanlan wants..." Keyleth trails off.

"To bed everyone in the realm. Yes,you can say it,Keyleth. I'm not ashamed." Scanlan says proudly. Keyleth sighs.

"Honestly,why are we even together?" Her question was met by silence. Isona knew her answer to that question. This,ragtag group is all she has.

"Well,while you guys are moping around,I have to drain the proverbial basilisk." Scanlan breaks the silence and walks away. Isona leans her head back on Vax's leg and closes her eyes. Before long, Scanlan runs over,holding  flyer.

"This! This is our purpose." Isona looks at the flyer. Written at the top was 'Wanted Mercenaries' in big letters. "Fighting for justice,for glory,protecting the kingdom and stuff. Most importantly lot of money!" He cheers out . As he did that his pants fell. Isona groans and looks away. Vex covers her bear,Trinket's eyes.

***

The group travels to the castle of the sovereign. Isona pants as she climbs the stairs,her hangover now hitting her with full force.

"We're really going to see the sovereign looking like this?" Keyleth asks,as they reach the top. Isona finally notices how bad they all look. They all have blood on them,Grog being the one covered in it,and Keyleth has vomit stains on her clothes. You can tell they had been drinking,they look ragged and simply,just terrible.

"Halt!" Two guards at the doors stop them. Vex holds up the flyer.

"Okay,we'll take you in,but the bear stays outside." They turn to Trinket,who looks down dejectedly. They were lead to the throne room,where the sovereign was speaking to his council. They don't notice they came in. Keyleth tries to get their attention,to no avail. Grog then lets out a loud belch that echos.The council finally turns around.  

"I'm sorry,who the hell are you?" A gnome asks. Percy steps forward. 

"Vox Machina. You see,it's actually a somewhat clever play on words..." 

"Honestly,we don't care." A man says,Isona thought he looked a walking corpse. "Sire,I warned you the notices would attract the scum of Emon."

"Excuse you?" Isona said from where she was leaning against Vax. 

"I think what Sir Fince means a foe this deadly requires more seasoned..." A buff general looking man started before Fince stopped him.

"Krieg, don't bother with these drunken buffoons. Guards?" The guards start to push them out before Scanlan spoke up.

"Buffoons? Clearly you've never heard of the Legend of Vox Machina. Allow me to give you a proper introduction." Scanlan said and pulled out his lute.

"Oh gods,here we go." Vax groans as Scanlan begins singing.

Your excellence tried the best fighters,who've adventures far and wide.

But I promise that you've never met a troop so qualified.

There's Grog our mighty giant he's a simpleminded hulk

And Percy's pepperbox can blow apart your fucking skull

Nature hath no fury quite like Keyleth the Ashari

Controlling plants and animals she's a magical safari

Isona is our nimble swords woman even with her small size she can slice you in half

I'm average sized,thank you

The twins Vex and Vax

She shoots,he hides in the pitch

They're stealthy and quite deadly,but I forget which one is which

He's Vax

She's Vex

Pike's divinity is pure, her hands can always heal

Oh and did I mention we have  bear? Trinket no big deal

And as for myself? My name is Scanlan

The man with the fat purple hand

My music is the jam,going ham,you can't stand it

Get some water,hide your daughters

*ahem*

Oh,uh sorry

Brave warriors are we and more clever than a fox,they'll tell tales of our exploits

In the Legend of Vox Machina!

The song was intended to make the group look good. But everyone,except Percy and Scanlan was slouched. Pike was leaning heavily on Grog's leg,Keyleth threw up again,Isona was leaning against Vax,basically asleep. Percy pinched the bridge of his nose. The council didn't looked impressed to say the least.

"Give the council a moment to discuses your curious group." The sovereign said. Isona let out a soft snore,but jerked awake when she almost fell. Her eyes got heavy again and she leaned against Vax again. Vex suddenly sat up,holding her head.

"Very well,you're hired Vox Machina. Mainly cause I like the bear. Lady Allura will accompany you to the Shale Steps,the village closest to the last attack."The Sovereign said,motioning to a pretty blonde woman.The twins looked at each other,then up at the council.

"So,what exactly are we killing,and how much are we making?" Vax asked. He notices Isona was still falling asleep,so he nudged her,she jerked awake.

"We don't know what you're killing,but once you kill it,all this is yours."Kreig said,pointing to a golden box

"One more question,how are we supposed to get there?" 

***

Hello hello and welcome to Ragtag! I can't wait to write this all out,hope you guys enjoy!