Chapter 6 ― Louis 

Who could have ever imagined that spending two hours with Havi and Joy talking about a contest would be so fun? We discussed mostly matters concerning the contest, the things that were expected from us, when we should go, how we should proceed, and so on; though sometimes we went on talking about other things such as the great food they had in the cafeteria and how they started to work in the radio. However, I wanted to know more. For some reason, Havi seemed fascinating to me, I wanted to know more and more about her. What she liked, what she hated, what inspired her, what made her sad… Everything! I liked the way she talked, how her eyes always showed if she was happy or excited or even a bit tired, as I could see when we said goodbye. I liked the way she moved her hands when she was excited, or the way she laughed. Even if you didn’t find it funny why she was laughing, you joined her anyway, just because her laugh was so contagious.

I caught myself thinking of her all the way back to our flat and Harry noticed my absent state because once we were alone and I was heading to the kitchen to grab something to drink, the curly-haired boy called my name. “You okay, Boo-bear?” He asked and I looked over my shoulder to meet his green eyes.

Harry was probably the one who knew me the best out of our band and since we met we knew we were going to be best mates and we were going to live together. Normally I found it very useful that he knew me so well, but that night I found it quite the contrary. For some reason I didn’t want to talk about what was in my mind. Probably it was because I didn’t want him to keep thinking that I fancied Havi or something similar when it was clear I didn’t. Even if I found her attractive, I wouldn’t let myself fancy her because that would be disastrous, not only for me, but for her and I would never do that to her. I already let our fans hurt a sweet and nice girl, I wouldn’t allow that again. I made a promise to myself when Eleanor and I broke up and I was going to keep my word.

“You were oddly quiet on our ride back. Is there something wrong?” His expression was pure worry and I felt bad for making him feel like that, but seriously I didn’t want to talk about it. Overthinking things was never good.

“Yeah, I’m okay, don’t worry, Harry,” I told him with a big smile so he would believe me. I wasn’t lying though, I was okay, I had been too concentrated, that was all. “I’m a tad bit tired, you know? Probably I’ll get a shower and go to bed.”

“It’s past nine. Isn’t it too soon?” Seeing that side, well, maybe it was too early for me to go to bed. But I was truly tired.

“Hmm… wanna watch a movie then? But if I fall asleep, you’ll have to carry me to bed,” I warned him still smiling.

“Nope. I’ll leave you sleeping or I’ll push you to the floor. Yeah, that’s a good idea,” he joked and I chuckled slightly. “Let’s watch a movie, but please, not Grease.”

I literally pouted and bated my eyelashes as fast as I could. It was my favourite movie and every time we didn’t think of anything else to watch, that was our choice. Well, my choice, normally Harry spoiled me. And that night I couldn’t think of anything else. “Oh, fuck. Okay, let’s watch Grease.”

I smiled brightly and turned to keep walking to the kitchen were I grabbed a few beer bottles for us and I heard Harry looking for the popcorn. Who needed dinner when you could eat popcorn and other kind of junk food? Not us, that was for certain.

.

I walked calmly through the halls of the radio station, a smile on my face and a good mood making my footsteps lighter. I really enjoyed my hours in the radio station and picking the girls was so fun. I didn’t know where the boys currently were, I just knew I had to meet with Havi and I was really eager to see her. She picked the best answers and we laughed so hard that my whole body hurt later.

I went directly to the conference room where we always met to work on the contest. Maybe the lads were already there, I didn’t care that much because I knew they were going to pop their faces there sooner or later, though I wasn’t sure why I didn’t know where they were. Probably I was going to remember that later.

I opened the door with my best smile, ready to greet a lovely and always sweet Havi who was probably looking for a new song to add to her playlist. She really loved music and she was never judgemental towards different kind of artist. She was fair and always gave an opportunity to new musicians. That was one of the many things I liked about her.

As I walked into the room I saw her in the chair hugging her legs and with her face hidden, her laptop open and with the screen on black. I got worried immediately, it wasn’t normal for her to be like that, to seem so down. I slammed the door shut without noticing and not caring about it really, I could only care about her. She didn’t seem okay.

I got next to her and the first thing I did was put my hand over her shoulder but she shoved it off quickly like she couldn’t stand my touch. What was going on?

“You okay, love?” I asked softly but she turned in the rotate-chair giving me her back. “Havi?” I tried again but she refused to look at me. “Please, love, look at me. Tell me what’s wrong,” I was practically begging but I knew something was wrong and it hurt me that she didn’t want to tell me. I thought we were friends.

“I’m okay,” she replied but it was obviously a lie, her voice was shaking and I saw her slightly trembling. She wasn’t okay but she didn’t want me to know why.

“You and I know that’s a lie. Havi, please, speak to me,” I, once again, tried to make her talk, but she kept avoiding my stare.

I took the chair and forced her to face me, but she kept hiding herself between her knees. “Havi, c’mon. What’s wrong? You can trust me.”

I hated seeing her like that, so vulnerable, so fragile; but I hated even more that she didn’t trust me enough to tell me what was wrong.

“I swear I’m okay. Nothing’s wrong, I just saw something sad on tumblr. That’s it,” she replied but her face was still hidden. How was I supposed to believe her when she clearly couldn’t look me in the eye.

“Yeah? What was that? I promise I won’t laugh at you or anything remotely like that,” I told her because maybe that was what kept her shutting me out, though I didn’t believe it was that.

“Nothing important.”

She looked up and I knew she was just telling me bullshit. Her eyes were red and they were the clear reflection of a deep sorrow. It was impossible that it wasn’t important and I started to fear that maybe it was my fault that she was like that, but I hadn’t done anything.

“Rubbish. You’re not okay and why won’t you tell me? Did I do something wrong to you? Is it my fault?” I couldn’t hide the hysteric note at the end of the question. I would hate myself if I was the reason she was crying. Havi was always so happy, always laughing and I hated to see her sad. It was like with Niall, you couldn’t see them sad without wanting to change the world to see their smiles again.

“I–I–” she practically choked and looked away. I could see how she was fighting back the tears. “I just saw a few posts on tumblr about… me. I don’t know how I found them, I just did.”

That was the moment when I felt the world had stopped. Oh, that couldn’t be good. That definitely wasn’t good.

“What–What did you see?” I asked dreading to know the answer.

“Basically? That I was a whore, that I didn’t deserve to hang out with you, that I was just using you to get fame, that I should kill myself because I’m not worth it, that my whole family should d–die…” and she broke down. She couldn’t fight back the tears anymore and these were streaming down her lovely face.

It was my fault, it was all my fault and I hated myself. I did this to her, I brought this to her life. I didn’t protect her as I didn’t protect Eleanor. I made the same mistake again.

“Oh, Havi, I’m so sorry! But you know that’s not true, right? You don’t have to listen to them,” I told her trying to hug her but she stood up and walked away.

“They hate me. They truly hate me and they don’t even know me. Why? Because we’re friends? It’s not fair!” She cried out and I wanted so desperately to hold her closely, to brush away all those tears.

“Don’t listen to them. They don’t know you and it’s only because they want to be you and–”

“Well fuck that! I don’t deserve that hate. I don’t!” I knew she was losing her temper and I didn’t blame her. I was still calm because I was bottling up everything inside, because in that moment I only cared about what she was feeling. Later I could deal with my own feelings.

“You don’t, of course you don’t deserve th–”

“Then why is it happening to me?” She cut me off and I saw hate in her eyes. I wasn’t mistaken, it was hatred and it was addressed to me. “You… you brought this to me. Why? What did I ever do to you to do this to me?” She asked and I couldn’t breathe. She was blaming me.

I knew it was my fault, I totally knew that, but it was different when she was blaming me, when she was looking at me with that much hate. It broke my own heart and I loathed myself so much in that moment. I deserved that hate; I deserved the pain I was experiencing.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered looking down, ashamed of myself. I should have protected her. I should have done something to avoid this. Why did I keep making the same mistake over and over again?

“Sorry ain’t gonna fix this, you know? They hate me and they will keep hating me because of you. You and your fucking friends. You ruined my life! I hate you!” My heart stopped. I would have never believed she was able to feel that way.  “I don’t wanna see you or your friends ever again.”

I held my breath still sat in the chair not knowing what to do, if to beg for her forgiveness or just walk away. She didn’t give me time because she passed by me and walked out of the room, leaving me alone there with all my self-hatred and an aching chest. “I’m sorry…” I whispered.

I popped my eyes open, my heart beating so fast and my whole chest aching. I felt like the worst kind of man in the world, the feeling still eating me alive.

It had been a dream. A horrible nightmare, a horrendously realistic nightmare and I had never been so scared before because I truly dreaded something like that to happen. I couldn’t let that happen. I wasn’t going to let that happen. I was going to protect Havi and no one was going to hurt her. I couldn’t let anyone hurt her like that and even more, I couldn’t let her hate me like that.

I couldn’t.

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Havi yelled at me so much after this chapter... you're free to yell at me too. Please, comment and vote. i haven't been feeling emotionally well lately and your words always make me happy. I kinda need you all now.

Shout out for @CatLuvs1D because she's an amazing reader, she comments all the time and she's also a whovian! I love her <3

Bel, xx