Chapter 33 ― Havi

When I opened my eyes, everything hurt and I moaned immediately. I wasn’t sure where I was so I looked all around. It wasn’t my room, I was in the hospital and Joy was sleeping on the sofa. Next to me on a chair with his head on the mattress of my bed and holding my head was Louis.

I remember all that happened the night before and I shivered imagining how awful he must have felt when he found out what happened to me. I was sure he was blaming it on him, that was all he did when his fans did something to me. But it wasn’t his fault, that girl was insane. That couldn’t be on Louis’ conscience. It wasn’t fair. If I didn’t blame him, I wasn’t going to let him blame himself.

“Lou,” I whispered moving my hand he had a hold onto. His eyes slowly fluttered open and when his blue gaze met mine, I smiled. “Morning, babe,” I told him and it took him a couple of seconds to process what was happening.

“Havi! Oh my god, are you okay? How are you feeling? Want me to call the nurse?” He said quickly getting closer to see me better and I just giggled.

“I’m a bit sore, but I’m okay. No need to call anyone. How are you? Did you sleep there?” I asked concerned.

“Yes, but that doesn’t matter. I’m so sorry for what happened, Havi. I’m truly sorry. You know how much I–”

“It’s okay. It’s not your fault, Lou. I’ve told you this many times already: you can’t blame yourself for what your fans do.”

“But it’s my fault,” he protested stubbornly. “I should’ve stayed away from you. Nothing of this would’ve happened if I had done that!”

“It doesn’t matter!” I exclaimed and rising my voice not only made my head hurt even more, it also got Joy to wake up. “It happened already. That girl was crazy and her issues are not your fault. Understand that!” I carried on and Joy came running next to me.

“Calm down, Havi!” She begged but I didn’t listen to her, I was just looking at Louis and the remorse was still in his eyes, darkening and I hated that sight.

“Please, Lou. Stop blaming yourself and please, don’t regret us,” I asked him and he looked away. “Louis!” I screamed and just then he looked at me again. “Don’t do this!”

“How? Huh? How can you ask me not to hate myself for bringing this to you? Put yourself in my shoes. What would you do then? Huh?” He demanded and I had to stop for a second and think about it.

“I would listen to you. I would see that blaming myself would hurt you more than whatever you think you’re guilty of. And even more, I would never regret being with you because it has been one of the best things that have happened to me,” I replied softly and I felt a tear escaping from my eye. Soon another followed it.

“Havi–” he whispered squeezing my hand.

“It hurts me every time you blame it on you, Lou. It hurts more than whatever any of your fans can do. Please, stop it,” I tried one more time.

“What if they do this to you again? Or even worse? I couldn’t live with myself if something happens to you,” he told me and my heart was hurting more than any of my wounds. Joy had left the room already though I had barely noticed when she did.

“So you want to leave me,” I blurted out and his eyes showed as much pain as I was feeling.

“I didn’t say that,” he clarified.

“But you’re thinking of it, aren’t you?” I stated and for the way he looked away I knew it was true. “Okay. If that’s what you want. If you wanna be this stupid, then leave. Leave me alone. Go and hurt me worse than anyone else could. Then you can blame yourself because in that case, it would be your fucking fault!” I ended crying out and he looked at me again, but I pulled my hand away and tried to put some distance between us.

My heart ached so much it was hard to breathe. I loved him so much and I thought he loved me too, but he wanted to walk away because he was incapable of seeing that what others did wasn’t his fault, because he wasn’t able to understand that the solution wasn’t for him to leave me, but to stay there with me because that was what I needed to face anything. They could throw rocks at me, they would say all the things they wanted to say but I wouldn’t care as long as I had him. He made it all worth it. But he wanted to walk away from me, he didn’t wanna stick up with me.

“Havi,” he mumbled.

“Leave me!” I yelled at him and soon the door opened, a nurse, Joy and my mum walked in.

“What’s happening here?” The nurse demanded and I was crying already. Joy came to me quickly and hugged me carefully, putting distance between Louis and I.

“Havi, please,” he tried to talk again.

“Go away. You don’t wanna be here anyways, so leave me once and for all. Leave!” I cried out again burying my face in Joy’s chest and crying.

“You heard her, sir. Please, leave the room,” the nurse asked but Louis didn’t move, he was still next to my bed, I could feel it.

“Leave my daughter alone. You’ve done enough already,” my mum intervened.

“Louis, the best is for you to go now. The gig is in a couple of hours and you need to do sound-check. Be responsible and leave Havi alone,” Joy said calmly and just then Louis stood up. I had forgotten completely about the contest and I wasn’t even sure if I was going to be able to be there.

“Okay, I’ll come back later,” he said and I could feel the pain in his voice.

“Don’t bother,” I mumbled still with my face hidden in Joy’s chest. “Put all the distance between us, after all that’s what you always wanted, right? The contest ends today, we don’t have a reason to see each other again. Goodbye,” I added turning around just to see him one last time.

He held my gaze for what seemed like forever and I saw all the pain in his look, but even though, he was still leaving me. He was taking the easy way out and I kind of hated him for that reason.

“Goodbye,” he said and with that word my heart broke.

He turned around and walked away, passing next to my mum and the nurse and with every step he took, the pieces of my heart hit the floor. When he closed the door behind him, I broke full crying.

* * *

Joy drove my mum and I to my flat after I could leave the hospital. Later she went to the station to take care of the end of the contest. She wanted to stay with me, but I told her I had my mum and that she needed to be in the station. I would have gone with her, I wasn’t that badly injured, but I didn’t want to see Louis. I just wanted to lie down in my bed crying and eating ice cream.

Mum had got to the hospital minutes before Louis and I had had that fight and all the love she had for him had disappeared when she saw me crying the way I did. She didn’t want to see him near me ever again, but she didn’t have to worry about that. Everything between us was over. And it hurt so much.

“Do you need anything, sweetheart?” Mum asked me when I was in my bed.

A bit of sense in Louis’ brain, I thought but that wasn’t going to happen. “Just a tea, mum,” I said instead and she smiled at me.

“You’ll be fine, dear. You’ll find a better boy and you won’t have to go through all this, someone that won’t leave you at the first sign of trouble. Relationships are hard and all these tests we have to face are to know if that person is the one for us or not. It hurts when it’s not, but eventually that pain will go away. I promise you,” she told me petting my hair softly like the way I always adored she did.

“I thought… I felt that Louis was different. I guess I was wrong, but it hurts so much,” I said and my eyes burned for more tears that wanted to be set free. I didn’t want to be wrong. I wanted to be right about Louis, I wanted him to be next to me, facing all the trouble we had to go through. Together.

“Come here,” mum said pulling me close to give me a hug. “Everything will be fine at the end.”

I hoped she was right about that. I didn’t want to live with this pain in my chest for too long because there wasn’t any painkiller that could help me make it bearable.

We stood there for a while until she went to get me my tea and probably something else to eat. It was great to have my mum again with me, to have someone take care of me.

I grabbed my laptop to check the website of the show. That included twitter and our wall and I got overwhelmed by the amount of messages apologising for what the crazy girl had done. Many girls were saying that they were sorry about what had happened to me and that expected me to get better soon. That not all the fans were like that and that crazy girl only put the real fans in a bad spot.

The girl that had attacked me was underage so no much could be done. What the police told us was that the mum of the girl was really sorry and that she was going to take care of everything and that now her daughter was going to be in therapy. Hopefully, nothing like that was going to happen again. I could guess the girl got grounded for life.

Everyone was being nice to me and I was sure that what had happened to me worked to teach many of those silly fans that attacking the boys’ girlfriends was stupid and wrong in every possible level. Well, at least something good had come out of this.

I checked the time and realised it was about time for the gig to start, so I went to the site to see the livestream we were offering on our website for all the fans who didn’t win the chance to meet One Direction.

Probably it wasn’t smart to see them performing, but as one of the people in charge of the contest, I had to see that everything was working as we planned. It was my responsibility.

Right in time, the boys were on stage after Joy had presented them and my heart ached so much when I saw Louis. He didn’t look like his gleeful self, he looked depressed and miserable, almost the same way I felt.

“Before we start,” he said, his voice plain and low. “I want you to hear this and please, someone record it and make sure to upload it on the Internet because I need all our fans to see this. This is me doing the right thing,” he said confusing me. We never planned this. What was happening?

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Dedication goes to @1dancer because it's her birthday this Sunday.

Bel, xx