Chapter 15 ― Havi

I thought as I spent over a week without seeing Louis, things would be different, that fighting all these feelings wasn’t going to be that hard and that I was going to be able to deal with him. I was wrong. It could have been a whole month and it wouldn’t have mattered because with just a smile, a look, a kiss on my cheek all my efforts went to the trash bin.

I didn’t have butterflies in my stomach. No, oh God, no. I had dinosaurs running in my belly, the whole Jurassic Park there having a big party. When he kissed me, all those little and harmless butterflies turned into these ferocious dinosaurs and I was dying. But at the same time I was so scared. I didn’t know how I was supposed to work with him when a simple kiss on my cheek had this effect.

“You okay?” Joy asked. She was driving me home and I was with my look lost in the traffic. It was weird that we hadn’t talked in fifteen minutes.

“I’m not,” I told her because it was pointless trying to hide that something was wrong with me. Joy was my best friend, she knew me as I knew myself, and she was going to see through any lie I could tell her.

“Louis,” was all she said and I just nodded with a deep sigh. It was so obvious and that made it so lame.

“This time ahead is gonna be so hard for me, having him close and being friendly. I think I liked it better when we were in this only co-workers agreement,” I mused still with my eyes wandering outside.

“Honestly, I think he feels something for you, too,” commented my friend and I turned around to look at her immediately. My heart raced at those words and the dinosaurs in my stomach started to jump all at the same time.

Stupid extinct animals.

She took a glance of me with her signature cheeky smile.

“Why do you say that?” I asked, my heart was beating so fast I should have been dead by then.

“Hmm, I dunno, for the way he looked at you, or they way he hugged you, the way he kissed you… he wasn’t like that with me and, you know, this woman’s intuition tells me you’re not the only one with all these feelings,” she spoke offhandedly, like she was talking about the weather. My heart literally did a flip-flop in my chest and I sucked in a breath, holding it, unable of doing anything else.

I wanted to believe her more than anything, I wanted to believe that my feelings were returned, that Louis also felt the same way; but what if he didn’t feel the same way? What if he only saw me like a friend? What if I let myself believe what Joy was saying and at the end she was wrong?  It was going to be even harder if I get my hopes up and then get crushed by reality.

“You’re wrong,” I mumbled looking away, my heart sinking and I felt my pack of dinosaurs moaning.

Joy snorted in a very un-lady-like way, which made me giggle. “That’s what you want to believe ‘cos it’s easier to believe the battle is lost than to go and fight for what you want. You always let your insecurities direct every step you take but you shouldn’t do that. You’re stronger than you think and so incredible. I want to punch you in the face when you can’t see how amazing you are. If someday I hit you, you know why I did it,” she trailed off and I giggled again.

Joy looked at me and I knew she was being completely honest, that she truly believed I was strong, that I was amazing.

I couldn’t see it, though.

When I looked myself in the mirror all I could see was a normal girl, nothing special in her. But Joy was honest, always, even if it hurt. She would never lie to me.

“I don’t wanna lecture you, Havi, but you have to open your eyes. You want Louis and if you do, then you have to do something about it. I’m sure he has feelings for you and even if he doesn’t, you at least should try something. You know, win him,” she looked at me briefly to wink and then she focused on the road again.

I stayed there in my seat with my mouth shut and my mind going crazy. I knew she was right, I should do something about it and not just keep my feelings for myself assuming that all hope was lost because I didn’t dare play the game, but what could I do? I had no idea.

“You want me to seduce him?” I asked half joking and Joy laughed.

“Pretty much. You seduced me, that’s how we became friends, remember?” It was my turn to laugh.

Joy always said that what made her come over to talk to me the first time was when she saw me laughing with an old friend, this kind of laugh that brings tears to your eyes and leaves you sore at the end. She said that when she saw me laughing like that, she knew we were going to be friends, that my laugh seduced her. I didn’t understand it because in my book, that day I was laughing like a hyena, and that wasn’t attractive in any way.

Joy was a special girl.

“Then I’ll seduce him with my most animal-like laugh. Seems like a good plan,” I mussed laughing softly.

“Flawless plan. Tomorrow when you see him, you’ll laugh like a hyena and he’ll fall at your feet. But don’t accept any proposal till you see the ring. Got it?” And then I burst out laughing.

I loved Joy and her ability to make me laugh even when I felt so lost in my own thoughts and worries. Of course I wasn’t going to do that, but I loved to laugh at those crazy ideas.

“Thanks,” I said after my laugh faded away and I was able to talk again. Joy smiled at me warmly before reaching for my hand and giving me a friendly squeeze.

I definitely loved my best friend.

* * *

Joy had a reunion with Mr Boss –his name was Ronald Clark, and he was the director of the whole radio station, but we called him Mr Boss and he loved it. And as Joy was busy with him, I had to work with the boys alone, no help from her. I was kind of nervous, I couldn’t deny it and even more after that conversation with my friend the night before.

I was going to see Louis and I wasn’t sure how to act when that moment came.

I was in the conference room, my laptop, a cup of coffee at my right and my iPhone at my left, just waiting there till they came in. I didn’t notice I was on the edge of my chair until I heard the door opening and I almost jumped off my chair. I looked in that direction and saw him, only him.

My eyes locked with his, he had a lovely smile plastered on his face that made my heart race and the dinosaurs in my stomach to start running. I didn’t care where they others were, I just cared that he was there, smiling at me, his eyes on me and the rest of the world just faded into nothingness. At the back of my head I heard Joy’s voice telling me to do something, to make a move.

To play the game.

I stood up and walked towards him, still not knowing what to do. “Hi,” I said without stopping till we were face to face. He didn’t make a move to back away.

“Hi,” he replied, his eyes fixed on me, my heart beating so fast. I still didn’t know what I was going to do or what I was already doing, I just knew I had to be close to him.

“Can I ask you something?” I said without breaking eye contact. We were so close, mere centimetres between our bodies, yet it still felt so far away.

“Anything,” he said, his voice a whisper that sent shivers through my spine.

“Would you, ever, be able to date a normal girl,” I said and he arched an eyebrow questioningly. “You know, a regular girl. Someone like… well, like me.” My voice came out almost in a whisper and I looked away, so embarrassed for what I just said, but he took my chin and made me look into his eyes again, those always so beautiful blue eyes but that in that day looked greyer.

“First off, you’re not normal, Havi,” he said and my heart sank at those words. I wanted to look away, I wanted to step back but he stopped me, his hand firmly holding my chin and the other one on the small of my back. “You’re special, you’re unique. You’re great, Havi.” And as my heart sank before, with those words it melted. It should be illegal for him to make me feel all these things with a few words and that look in his eyes.

“You’re not answering my question,” I reminded him as he pulled me closer, my chest tightly pressed against his.

“Let me put it like this,” he whispered leaning in and his forehead touched mine. “If this normal girl is you, I’d love to date her. But if she’s not you… then I’m not that sure.”

My heart was beating so fast and I couldn’t believe what was happening. This was too perfect to be true, yet I could feel his arms around me, his breathing brushing my lips, his eyes on me and that perfect smile of his.

“Louis,” I whispered standing on my tiptoes so I could be closer, and closer.

And as I was about to kiss him, everything was crushed by my mobile ringing. Everything just disappeared: Louis, the conference room, everything and soon I was in my bed.

“Fuck!” I screamed burying my face in the pillow and screaming more and more curse words.

Fuck my damn luck. It had to be a dream. It had to be a dream! Goddamn it! I just wanted to kill someone, but my mobile didn’t care about my frustration, it only cared about ringing and ruining everything.

I picked it up because it wasn’t my alarm, someone was calling me. Whoever it was, I hated that person.

I looked at the screen and saw my mum’s picture. I couldn’t hate her but I was damn mad at her for her horrid timing. And it was so early, too! Why, oh God, why this had to happened to me? It felt like someone was playing with my life and enjoying toying with my emotions.

“Hi, mum,” I answered with a muffled voice because I buried my face in the pillow again. This had to be a sign that it was going to be a bad day.

I talked to my mum for a few minutes, just letting her know that everything was fine, that the contest was going great and things like that. She updated me with everything about the family.

“When are you coming to visit me, dear?” She asked and I thought about it for a few seconds.

“Soon, mum. Probably after the contest is finished ‘cos right now I have too much work. Which remind me, I gotta get up or I’ll be late.”

“Bye, dear. Good luck with the contest! Send my love to Joy, tell her I hope to see her soon, too! I love you,” she said.

“I love you, too, mum.” We hung up and as I left my mobile on the nightstand, I cursed a bit more. This time I was going to take it out on Joy, because it was because of what she said that I had that dream. Now everything was going to be more awkward between Louis and I.

Great. Just great.

-:-:-:-

Dedication for @GottaLoove1D because she bribed me with a unicorn who could fart rainbows. I couldn't resist it. It also flies!

Bel, xx

PS: I love Havi's dinosaurs!