Chapeter 14 ― Louis 

“Harry, give it back!” I growled at Harry between grinded teeth. He didn’t want to give me my shirt back and I knew it was making Havi uncomfortable. “You know my jumper itches if I don’t wear a shirt under it!” I reminded him but the curly-haired boy just shook his head.

“I’m doing you a favour, Tommo!”

“You’re giving me a pneumonia, that’s what you’re doing!” I yelled-whispered. I didn’t want anyone else knowing what we were arguing about; and by anyone I meant Havi.

“Oh, they are leaving!” Harry said oblivious to what I was asking him. I wanted my shirt back because there was no way in hell I was going to put on his after he wore it the whole day. That was a round no. I loved my jumper, but it really itched if I didn’t wear something under it. Stupid fabric. “Joy!” Harry exclaimed as he passed next to me practically running towards the two guests. I turned around and saw my friend hugging Havi and then Joy. He said something because both girls giggled and Joy replied with something that made Harry fake he was hurt. I liked the way Harry tried to flirt with Joy but she never took him seriously and made him look bad. She was a genius.

I approached them and hugged Joy goodbye. I was still shirtless and probably it was awkward, though she didn’t show any sign of that. Then it was Havi’s turn and I knew she was indeed uncomfortable, I could see it in her hazel eyes and they way her cheeks were all rosy. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” I told her smiling. She looked adorable with her pink cheeks and her eyes fighting to hold my gaze.

I stepped closer and wrapped my arms around her small body pulling her against me. I couldn’t deny it, I loved the way she felt in my arms and how she put her arms around my waist, her little hands on the skin of my bare back. It felt… perfect.

Sometimes you had these moments when you just wanted to stop the clock and stay where you were forever. I was living one of those moments with Havi in my arms and my heart beating so fast. I wanted to hug her tighter and never let her go.

I was overwhelmed by the intensity of my feelings when I held her, when she was close, when the world went out of focus and there were only she and I. And the sad part was that I knew something bigger could come out of this, because I believed if I did feel like that when we hugged, she had to experience something as well, even something small, regardless if she liked someone else; but nothing could ever happen between us because the last thing I wanted to do was hurt her.

I pulled away and looked into her eyes a bit before leaning in and kissing her check slowly, enjoying the way her soft skin felt under my lips. Maybe it was the beers I drank, maybe it was her presence, but all my senses were heightened that night when it came to Havi. When I pulled away again and met her eyes, I saw shock and something else, something that made my heart race but I couldn’t put my finger on it.

“Bye,” she whispered, her eyes locked on mine. I had my hand on her waist but even if I wanted –which I didn’t–, I couldn’t move it. Joy took Havi’s arm and made her walk, only there I broke any contact with her. Suddenly, I became conscious of the whole world again and as I heard the door shut behind me, I saw all my mates’ expressions.

“Lou,” Liam whispered and I started to get nervous. I knew what was coming: all the questions, all the advices I didn’t need, all the worry I didn’t want.

“It’s okay. I’m tired, we should go to bed. Tomorrow we have a photoshoot, remember?” I said loudly and clapping as I took my jumper and started to walk towards my room, but someone grabbed my elbow stopping me.

“Lou, you fancy her, right?” That was Zayn. I didn’t turn around, I kept my gaze on my feet. “You can talk to us, we’re your best friends.”

“I–” I started to say but my tongue got tied and I felt this lump in my throat. “What if I fancy her? It makes no difference as nothing can happen between us,” I snapped and I felt horrid, frustration was eating me alive, but I couldn’t do anything against that situation.

“Why do you say that?” That was Niall, his characteristic accent was unmistakable. “I dare to say she fancies you as well,” he added and my heart did a flip. That wasn’t true, I knew that but I still wanted to believe the blond.

“She doesn’t. She fancies someone else,” I told them. Some idiot that didn’t like her back. Arsehole.

“How do you know?” And that was Harry. Soon I felt his hand on my back but I still didn’t turn around.

“Joy told me when I went for them in the station. They were talking about that when I walked into the room,” I explained and the knot in the pit of my stomach was pure jealousy, I knew it.

“But, mate! You can steal her heart!” Liam, always so optimistic and sappy. I laughed humourlessly.

“I won’t hurt her like that. I can’t make her go through all it means to be with me. I won’t do that again,” I spoke out with my eyes shut and trying to avoid Eleanor’s image the night she came crying to this same flat, or Havi in my nightmare. I couldn’t.

“Not with that again, mate!” Zayn blurted out and I turned around aggressively and glaring daggers at him.

“You say that ‘cos you didn’t hurt your girlfriend like I did. ‘Cos you didn’t have to see her broken like I did. ‘Cos you didn’t see what I saw! So shut the fuck up about this! I won’t let anyone go through the same again and that’s it!” I cried out and Zayn stepped back a bit looking hurt. I felt bad for yelling at him, but it pissed me off that they still tried to minimise the whole matter. It wasn’t an unimportant thing that just happened, it was something that left a mark in me.

“Louis,” Harry whispered but I shoved him off, turned around and walked away, mad at everyone and even more mad at myself for not being able to go after Havi and make her change her mind about that stupid guy, for not being able to offer her protection. For being and arsehole myself.

I stormed into my room and threw my jumper to the floor, walked to my bed and jumped over it, burying my face in the duvet. I hated the fact that I wanted more with Havi, that since I accepted I started to have feelings for her, these damn emotions seemed to get stronger by the second –how crazy was that?– and I despised the fact that I couldn’t do anything about it.

Just friends.

That was the best I could get and it wasn’t fucking enough when I wanted more, when I kissed her cheek but died to kiss her lips. It wasn’t enough when I hugged her and wanted to hold her forever, far away from the world and anyone who could hurt her.

What did she have that made her so special? Why couldn’t I just push her out of my mind like I did with all the other girls I had met since Eleanor and I broke up, or even since Eleanor and I were together?  Why couldn’t I resist Havi?

I groaned with my face still buried, fighting to push all my thoughts away and leave my mind blank, but I just couldn’t. Even if I tried to count sheep in my mind, it didn’t work.

After a while I heard a knock on my door and groaned louder. I wasn’t going to move to open the door and if he –because it had to be one of the lads, there was no way in hell Havi, or any other girl, was in the flat– couldn’t understand what I just said, then it was his fault.

“I’m taking that as a ‘come in’,” he said and I recognised my best friend’s voice. “Lou, you okay?” I rolled my eyes at that question even if he couldn’t see me because I was still facing and breathing my duvet. “Scratch that. Wanna talk about it?” He inquired and no, I didn’t want to talk about it, I just wanted to be left alone. “Okay, no answer there… Tommo, I know we’ve talked about this before and I understand why you’re so determined to do this, but I still think you shouldn’t. You can’t keep yourself from having another relationship, and if you finally like someone again, you shouldn’t stop yourself. I think Havi is great and maybe you’re underestimating her, maybe she’s strong enough to deal with all this.”

“El was strong and even though, it broke her. She dealt with all perfectly at the beginning, but no one can take that much hatred forever. Havi’s no exception!” I snapped looking up at the curly-haired boy who seemed so concerned. “And you see Havi, she’s so sweet and she has this lovely thing in her eyes. I could never let someone send her death threats, and the only way to avoid that is to keep my feelings to myself. So Harry, please, don’t try to change my mind. I’m just trying to do the best here, to protect her.”

“And what happens if she wants to be with you?” He retorted and I ignored the hopeful leap my heart did.

“She doesn’t, Harry. No need to point that again,” I told him, and I added mentally: please. “Now, I wanna sleep. See ya tomorrow. The lads went to their flats, right?” Harry nodded but I could see in his eyes that he was still worried and that he wanted to talk more about this, but he also understood I didn’t want to. “Cool. G’night, Harry.”

“Goodnight, Boo-bear,” he replied standing up and walking away.

I stayed there, I didn’t bother to go under the sheets or to put something on to sleep. My room was warm enough and I just couldn’t bring myself to move. I felt like shit because all my emotions were bubbling inside, confusing me, making me want something I couldn’t have. And her face popped up before my eyelids every five minutes. Smiling, laughing, serious, concentrated, sad, confused, excited, flirtatious, excited. All her emotions, always beautiful.

Ugh, I felt like a creeper.

I needed to do something to get her out of mind, but it seemed impossible. The more I wanted her out, the more I thought of her. My mind was against me in this, I just knew that. And even though when I should dread to see her again, I was eager to be in the station again.

I was a sick masochist.

I tried to fall asleep, begging for a dreamless night, but my pleads weren’t answered and I had this horrible nightmare where Eleanor had to comfort Havi, telling her that she understood what she was going through. Havi was crying into El’s chest and I could only look at them with this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

“I know, Louis is a selfish bastard. But I got you, Havi. Everything will be fine once Louis is out of your life,” Eleanor told Havi whilst rubbing her back, the curly-haired girl was sobbing and hiccupping and my heart was breaking at that scene.

My fault, my damn fault again.

“I hate him!” Havi cried out between sobs and my heart sank so deep I thought I was never going to get it back. Those three words cut deeper than any blade.

By when I woke up the next morning, I had this lump in my throat and I felt so powerless it made me sick. That had been the worst night of my life, filled with dreams like that one, listening to Havi saying that she hated me because of what I caused her.

I could never let that happen. Never!

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Dedication for @xNiamx because she's an incredible reader, always commenting and she's really nice.

Bel, xx