dan

i walk out of the restroom still on a call with my mum. i was too caught up in everything else going on to notice her back to back calls, and when i finally did, i was already three drinks down at a club where we were celebrating my success.

she didn't really have much to say about it because she doesn't know the industry or what record selling means; she just awkwardly congratulated me, told me my dad was too busy to call me but he's proud of me, and then forced me to talk to adrian which was truly an absurd moment if i do say so myself. i talked to adrian for merely ten seconds and when the phone went back to my mum she hassled me for not making her stupid lasagna recipe.

somewhere between her incessant nagging and the sound of my brother laughing in the background, my heart aches a little to be close to my family. the reality of the situation tastes worse than the overly alcoholic margaritas as i realise that i'm awkwardly standing outside the restroom, alone, talking to my mother and this party is supposed to be for me. the loneliness sits down heavier at the base of my throat as my eyes search for somebody to talk to in this gigantic club and my mom ends the call with an "i love you".

i shove the device in my pocket and make my way back to bar. i do wish phil wouldn't have disappeared as soon as we entered the club—i'm not really disappointed, just sad. we do have plans together after this, but the little-stupid-still-obsessed-with-my-boss part of my brain seemed to believe that phil would want to spend time with me here anyway. i lean on the bar and try to swallow the feeling with a glass of wine. i am aware that i'm mixing my drinks but i've always wanted to taste all these fancy drinks and tonight, i am not the one paying for them.

after about an hour and a half, i finally tear my eyes away from my almost dying phone. i realise i have been sucking on the straw of my already empty drink and i pull it out of my mouth in embarrassment, looking up only to find the bartender looking sympathetically at me. it kind of pisses me off, but i feel too drowsy to pick a fight with him and i just silently push my glass towards him with a single finger. i make the gesture even more douchey when i raise my eyebrows at him and he rolls his eyes, grabbing my glass and filling it with another orange soda gin.

i'm kind of glad that he didn't notice—or rather, didn't acknowledge the fifteen drinks that are littered in front of me with barely a sip taken out of all of them. alcohol tastes disgusting. as if to prove my own point, i grab a weird herby drink that i thought i would really like and give it a second chance; and it's obviously a bad idea because i spit it out in the glass just as the bartender gives me the drink i asked for. i smile at him a little and take my gin unapologetically.

is this what i have signed up for? every time i release a successful song, this is how i celebrate? finding a new favourite drink to accompany me as hundreds of people dance to my success. what's even worse is that i barely fucking know them. and where the hell is phil?

i feel more frustrated the more i think about it, and before i know it the damned drink is over again.

"hey man," the words feel like they come from me but i'm not sure if anyone heard them. "hey bar-man, can you like, can you make like a big big glass of this one?" i gesture with my hands just how big i want this stupid orange drink and he looks at me like i'm joking.

"come on! i keep running and running out of it," i roll my eyes and i'm shocked once he doesn't grant my request. okay, is this a fucking joke? it's my party, how can he not give me my orange drink?

"hey! where have you been?" two warm hands place themselves firmly on my shoulders and i turn around a little even though i know it's him. i can already feel my cheeks flushing and the annoyance buzz out into something lighter. how the hell does he have so much of an effect on me?

"look phil he's not giving me what i want," i whine pathetically. from the corner of my eye i can see the bartender side-eyeing me but i could care less of what he thinks. i look at phil and he eyes the numerous drinks scattered on the bar in front of me before leaning over my shoulders so he can talk to me.

"and what do you want?" his voice is sweet and i lean back into his chest. i can smell the cologne wearing off of his shirt.

"i want-i want a big orange," i gesture with my hands again and he laughs.

"are you drunk?" he moves from behind me and i pout slightly in disapproval, but it is short lived because before i know, he is sitting down in the stool next to me.

"well there was nothing else to do," i shrug, playing with the ice cubes in my empty drink. i am kind of upset that phil didn't get me my drink. i know the bartender is probably calling me a loser in his head. okay, now i am actually upset. i look at the bartender and he seems totally unbothered by me complaining about him to phil, almost like he thinks i can't do anything. i turn to say something to phil and he is still eyeing the drinks in front of me. "yeah okay, i ordered a few drinks and i didn't like them, big deal you billionaire, let me cry a river for you,"

he just laughs in response and grabs the back of my stool, pulling my chair closer to him.

"i don't mind, you could order a hundred just to look at them," he places one of his hands on my thigh and the heat immediately returns to my cheeks. "now what was it that you wanted again?"

"the o-orange soda thing," i look away from phil. "he knows it! he knows what i want and he won't give it to me," i point at the bartender and his eyes go wide at me calling him out like that. that's right.

phil gives him a look and he scurries off to the back. i just glance at phil in confusion.

"wait for it," phil squeezes my thigh a little and gives me a small smile. before i know it, the bartender is making me a giant pitcher of my drink!

in a moment of both gratitude and confidence, i lean into phil and kiss his cheek. he looks a little embarrassed but doesn't push me off, which seems to be enough validation. i know i should be at least a little annoyed with him for abandoning me at my own party, but all those feelings just seem so much smaller in his presence. when i look at phil and the fond smile he's giving me, it settles it. he is more important.

the bartender finally sets the huge pitcher in front of me in an attitude and i give him my sweetest smile.

"you're such a brat," phil shakes his head laughing when he notices our exchange and i just scrunch my nose at him in response before i begin sipping on my rather large drink.

"so, where were you?" i ask him as i turn my head to look at him but still sip my drink from the corner of my mouth.

"me? uh, just talking to some people," he rubs the back of his neck. even in the dim lights and with my obscure vision, i can see him flush uncomfortably from my question. i don't really know how to feel about that.

"so..." i continue, looking away from him and already expecting no for an answer as i ask him another question. "are we like, still on for tonight?"

"oh," he pauses and i finally look at him. "you still want to?" he asks.

i lean back in my stool uncomfortably, regretting asking the question. five minutes ago i felt all buzzed and happy and now he makes me feel like i did something terrible to him.

"no," i mutter. "not if you don't want to it's fine," i push the straw back into my mouth and start drinking aggressively.

i think he notices, because he pulls the pitcher towards him a little, causing me to look at him in irritation. okay, it's one thing to cancel plans with me after abandoning me at my own party for my debut single, but it's a whole another thing when you take away my orange gin.

"what? i can't take a sip from your giant pitcher?" phil mocks the frustrated look on my face with a baby voice and a smile. he takes a sip and it angers me more than i thought it would. "also i do want to take you to mine tonight, i was just making sure you wanted the same because you seem a little drunk," he explains and while it makes perfect sense, it still doesn't really get rid of my exasperation.

"okay," i snap at him and snatch my 'drink' back.

"is everything okay?" he asks me and i roll my eyes a little.

"yeah, i'm just a little frustrated i guess," i mumble and he looks at me for a moment before placing his hand back on my thigh where it was a few moments ago.

"oh," he pushes his tongue in his cheek. "like sexually?"

and for the second time that night, i spit my drink back out.

—
hi oh my god it's been so long
HOW ARE YOU!!! I MISSED YOU!!! TELL ME ABOUT YOUR DAY!!!