dan

"apparently i can't make you forgive me," phil shrugs with a lopsided smile, and my eyes widen slightly at the statement before i look away, biting my lip nervously and running my fingers through my choppy fringe.

"it's not my fault," i mutter quietly and i hear phil sigh dramatically from where he's standing, tapping the tip of the drumsticks lightly onto the instrument.

"i know it's not, but i have been trying to get you to be more. . .normal? cheerful? since the past week and i have no idea what to do to make things okay again," the revelation that my sour mood affects phil as well comforts me in a strange, fucked up way, and i feel my cheeks heat without context at his words. there are just these moments when phil succeeds to fool me into thinking that he actually cares about me, and these are the only moments where i drop my guard completely and allow him to step all over me like before.

"things are okay," i lie, and phil snickers, the horrible sound almost makes me cave in on myself.

"really?" his tone drips disbelief. "you think things are okay? look, i know i messed up and i'm an asshole and all that good stuff but i do care about you dan. i-i am not very fond of being in relationships and i don't want you to get attached to me, but that doesn't mean we can't be friends," his explanation, as always, makes zero sense to me but i'm actually past the point of caring about what phil says anymore. he has admitted times and times again that he does not want a relationship with me, then why do i still cling onto the silver of hope that phil would someday suddenly kiss me out of mere emotions and not just because he's horny?

it is complete utter chaos in my brain--for god's sake i don't even know phil. why can't i just get over this stupid little crush that i have developed over a span of just a month?

i have already forgotten what phil said a few seconds ago and so when he looks at me expectantly, hoping for an answer in his favour i just mumble out a small "yeah".

"yeah? so are you finally going to start acting normally?" phil bites his lip, and i have to force my eyes away from his mouth to form proper words.

"i am normal," i roll my eyes and phil scoffs, turning his attention back to the drums and hitting the stretched plastic softly.

"hey dan?" he calls, and i look up at him, making eye contact with him after what seems like months.

"yeah?"

"have dinner with me tonight, my place," he proposes and i gulp slightly, opening my mouth and closing it again in an inability to answer him.

"what?"

"come on, we can watch a movie, and order pizza or something,"

"i-i don't think that's a very good idea," i fumble with my words and he just shoots me a disappointed look, his cheeks flushed slightly from embarrassment and i already feel the guilt pooling in the base of my chest. "but i'm known for not making good decisions so why not," i add, and the prettiest little smile makes its way upon his pale pink lips, and i think i just lost my breath for three seconds.

"thanks," his eyes squint slightly with the way he's smiling and the butterflies caged in my stomach from the first time phil kissed me are released in a violent heap within my body, my fingers gripping my own thighs and my cheeks ablaze with a noticeable shade of rose.

"no problem," i squeak.

"now lets find out what's wrong with this song, shall we?"

+

it's words and music notes and phil accidently brushing his fingers against mine for two hours before i am somewhat satisfied with the new and improved instrumental for my debut song. right now i press the mouth of a plastic water bottle to lips and chug down the cool liquid to calm my throat, my eyes wandering between the thin layer of sweat on phil's forehead to the pale skin of his chest that is exposed because he unbuttoned his shirt almost half way down.

his cheeks are flushed pink and his fingers are spinning the drumsticks between them, his rosy lips pursed and his forehead crinkled with concentration and god this man will never stop distracting me from how effortlessly beautiful he is. i force myself to look away from him and put the now empty bottle of water down, my fingers hovering over the piano keys but not pressing down.

"one last practice and then we can go to my place," phil says, and i nod hesitantly. the butterflies i had put to sleep not long ago return once phil gives me a charming smile, and i flush entirely, wrongly blaming the pink colour on the warm temperature of the small room.

i almost forgot i agreed to a dinner and movie with phil and it's not like i don't want to go, because i'm stupid and i apparently enjoy getting my hopes and heart crushed by a certain blue eyed man. but i know that it's inevitable that something fucked up will take place in phil's apartment and i'll probably end up crying and probably ruin my chances with phil and my entire musical career as well.

it would be easier if i just said no but in the words of selena gomez, the heart wants what it fucking wants.

twenty minutes later i'm in phil's office and stuffing several music sheets in my bag in no particular order, and phil is sitting on his chair and spinning it around annoyingly as he talks to rebecca on the phone. it's not even about music or anything important. phil is just giggling and talking  non-sense and it's beyond irritating.

"are you done?" i cross my arms across my chest once i'm done packing and hope that my annoyance is not reflected on my face. but when phil gives me one of those knowing smirks, i know that he knows how much his phonecall with rebecca is bothering me.

i wait for a few minutes as phil says his goodbyes to her and gets off his chair, making his way towards me before casually swinging his arm around my shoulders and pulling me the tiniest bit closer.

"you really don't like her do you?" he laughs as we exit his office and i blush once his fingers play slightly with the collar of my shirt, his arm still not leaving my shoulders.

"shut up," i roll my eyes and silently hope that nothing goes wrong tonight.

--

wow its been a while since ive updated
shitty as always . . .sorry

anyways i hope u guys are alright !! love u