Seoul. 20:35.

december 17th 2011.

baekhyun admired her from across the table.

she was practically alight with beauty and elegance. her silver-diamond earrings shone and sparkled as the light from the dim restaurant caught them. dark hair was slicked back, behind her ears, glimmering in the orange and amber haze, flittering between the dark blackness of it and the shimmering fairy lights.

lips were scarlet-red and pursed, into a heart-shape, the bronze of her cheeks matching the theme of the dimmed and quiet surrounding area, as well as the glittering tints that adorned her large eyelids. the black dress she wore had been a present from him, and it looked fucking amazing on her, accentuating her slender features. exposed skin on her chest made it difficult for him to concentrate on much else.

a delicate sigh left her big lips, and she gently played with the hair on her left shoulder, flicking it backwards.

she looked up briefly from the menu, immediately noticing him staring. that familiar smile--not a flattered expression, but a pleased one--melted into the red colour of her plump mouth, and she bit her lip slightly, and rearranged her hair.

soojung smirked wider, a bit more, and brought the wine glass up to her lips. she sipped it gently, turning her attention away from him, but then bringing her hooded vision back to his level. her dark eyes could be read so well. baekhyun really felt he knew her, unlike he'd ever known anyone before.

he shifted beneath her veiled gaze, only just catching him, flitting between the frequencies.

the wine glass was placed down upon the white tablecloth, against the metallic silverware.

bottle was almost empty.

"let's get some more," she spoke, her voice lower, on purpose, as her foot rested heavily against the inside of his left leg. her heavily made-up eyes fluttered slightly, and she let out a very light laugh.

it was funny, he thought. as well as being a bit pathetic. he really wondered how the fuck he'd managed to get her. her. really. she was one of those girls at university. everybody wanted her. her eyes were on him, though, framed with thick, black eyelashes, her foot on his, her coy smile directed towards him.

that felt good in the moment.

tried to ignore the fleeting, but not unnoticeable, glance she threw towards a group of male students, smartly dressed and tall and gathering in a small group in the other direction.

despite pretending that he didn't, he always picked up on those very small things. small but with bigger and more meaning.

received total attention from her as he stretched his arm out casually towards her resting hand, tracing over her slim fingers and the silver rings that adorned them. her eyes were immediately drawn back to the table, looking down at their intertwined parts. his hand was soft and loving, tracing his finger across her soft skin.

her eyes sparkled. her foot moved further against him, harder into the inside of his leg.

they ate lightly, only ordering a small amount, but also ordering another bottle of wine. towards the end of it, baekhyun was feeling heady and much more relaxed. slightly dizzy but in a good way; in a way that made her skin feel even warmer against his own, and in a way that the lights gathered in circular motions around his periphery vision.

at that moment, he didn't think that he'd actually really had that much to drink.

he was in a good state; in which his mind had managed to make him forget how fucking difficult his studies were, and how much he didn't like having to go home to spend time with his family every weekend, and how much the bill was going to cost at the end of this meal.

soojung's eyes looked even more shiny and alight. passionate, with a hint of something else that baekhyun could never quite define for himself. a hue of poignant colour that twinkled across her glinting vision.

she gave him that look.

baekhyun was smirking as he gestured for the waiter, and asked to pay. she was giggling at something, too loudly and a bit over-the-top, as he interacted with the guy. struggled to concentrate.

the light seemed brighter, and beamed across the white paper so that he was oblivious to the price. didn't care. her hand was felt heavily on his thigh from across the table. all of his worries about school or home or the lights seemed irrelevant: masked by the glowing haze of the night.

lights dimmed.

removed baekhyun from reality momentarily. his heart juddered in his chest, for a few seconds, until he regained his posture.

soojung hadn't noticed. or if she had, she didn't seem to care too much.

red lips pursed into a heart shape.

outside, it was bitterly cold. an icy shiver ran through the air, coating the sharp wind with a freezing temperature that ran up and down his spine. soojung protested lightly, linking her arm through baekhyun's. her heels smacked loudly against the pavement, as the crowded street surrounded the two figures.

the kiss she left against his ear and his neck sent a burst of warm energy through his veins.

she whispered something.

she was drunk, for sure.

baekhyun laughed at her deeply, glancing down at her smaller figure and her poised expression. pale skin, crimson lips and long, black hair. perhaps he liked the jealousy directed towards him, as a few stared at her stumbling steps, attracted by her pretty laugh.

the taxi was obviously much warmer inside, but soojung's hand on his thigh did also help just as much, and he felt the wine had got to him more than he'd originally thought.

scarlet painted his mind with a dazed sensation of adoration. she was beautiful, and seemed to want him: all that mattered. he thought that way, anyway. mind clouded by alcohol and intoxication and a desire for something that he knew could never really be found within her.

her room was much nicer than his. although fairly tidy, baekhyun's room was basic and boring, with only one david bowie poster and a few books scattered across the place. minimalistic; ready to go.

as they stumbled through her door, baekhyun remembered how perfectly in-place everything always was. little pink lights were ablaze across the top of her bed frame. the curtains were open with a slither of darkness and moonlight draining through. he rarely came to hers, but everything was just as he remembered. neat and pretty and pink and her.

the desk was neatly arranged with her school books and everything else and baekhyun really didn't care too much about that, as he spun her around the minute she locked her door, pressing her desperately up against it as he kicked the desk chair to the side.

"baekhyun," she giggled, deeply breathing, softly as his lips enclosed hers.

desire overtook his system. not thinking clearly made him put much more prominence to each of his and her actions; her hand wound around the back of his neck, or his hands groping her, propping her thighs up on the desktop. meant something so much more than it all really did.

he was trying to show how much he cared. love, perhaps? his hands were quick but gentle, caressing her petite frame, kissing along the plain of her neck and whispering what he wanted to do to her, not for any other reason other than he really felt he was lucky to be with her.

gorgeous, she was, yes. undoubtedly. but her heart was cold and uncaring, and alcohol allowed baekhyun to blissfully forget that aspect of her persona.

she reciprocated, but not with the same feelings. lights flashed. her tongue was dominant and persuasive, subduing his frantic mind as he searched for reasoning as to why she didn't feel the same way towards him.

something wrong with him. that was it.

insecurity.

one of the pink fairy lights shut off. soojung didn't notice, carrying on her experienced actions, travelling further down. baekhyun let his vision wander to the side. she grabbed him fervently, to which baekhyun let out a throaty noise against her jaw.

he couldn't stop thinking about the lights.

the room was completely dark aside from those little, flashing bulbs.

with one of them gone, baekhyun felt a sudden cold shiver again, as if a hole had expanded within his chest.

alcohol helped.

soojung's knowing movements as she pushed him backwards onto the bed also distracted him, as her hands frantically touched the buckle of his belt, and his own palms rested against the curves of her waist. the lights didn't matter for the minute. her lips moved to the hem of his trousers.

bliss and ecstasy consumed him.

stars danced he cried out into the darkness.

and when it was over, baekhyun always thought he'd feel whole again. lying there, staring up at the ceiling, chest panting as soojung immediately got up, dragging the sheet with her to cover her naked body.

it was odd, that at that moment, he always felt the most alone.

darkness snarled at the edges, and took over the overwhelming sensations that, minutes ago, had shook through his entirety.

the sound of the shower running and of her music playing confused and unsettled him. she was trying to drown out what she'd just done. wanted him to be gone.

love had nothing to do with it.

careless.

everyone had their good days and bad days. baekhyun had a problem in that he always wanted to please everyone. the hole in his chest and being got bigger. sex and alcohol and forgetting couldn't fill it. his mind was everywhere. nothing could.

it was at an ungodly hour that baekhyun found himself in a serious moment of desperation, calling a taxi and shoving his dinner clothes back on, after arguing with her over nothing in particular because she didn't see. soojung didn't know what was wrong, and it was baekhyun's fault that he felt this way, and he should just fucking leave if he didn't want this anymore.

so, he did.

heart racing and blood pumping dramatically, hurtling through the downtown area of seoul towards his accommodation. the lights turned off after each touch of the pedal, the taxi driver asking baekhyun if he was okay, to which he nodded, hoping the headlight concealed the sheen of sweat gathering on his forehead and the heaving of his breaths.

made it home.

he was running to his room, rummaging furiously in his pocket for his keys, tears stinging and wanting to hate her so much.

on and off.

but the lights.

everywhere now. the lightning coursed through every entrance; veins, arteries, blood--all to his heart. as he ran, the lights were diminished. just like that. even the stars juddered and halted, ominously flashing on and off like the street lamps, and the lights shutting off in the long, white corridor as he pelted across the slippery floor.

his room was darker than he could have imagined. nothing worked, as he smacked his hand repeatedly over the broken light switch, door slamming shut.

"fuck," baekhyun swore, spitting and aggressive. kicking over the chair by his desk.

he really couldn't breathe.

hyperventilation.

baekhyun ripped open the curtains, hoping the cold moon would shed some form of light.

it was as if he was immune; as if his very existence was repelling the goodness and light of the world onto him. his room remained a coven of blackened shapes and figures. voices rung. baekhyun clasped his hands over his ears.

he tried to use his phone, but it was dead. no light emanating from the screen.

baekhyun tore off his shirt and the remaining articles of clothing. the bathroom tiles were cold and unpleasant beneath his feet. the metallic feel of the shower head sent a tremor down the length of his forearm, but the sound of the gushing water drowned out the tension and the headache.

warm water poured over his entirety, attempting to soothe, to calm himself down. he bent his neck forward so that it soaked through his hair and head.

on and off.

darkness became fuzzy; muted and easier to handle. the water was clear-blue and flowing like a wave of equanimity, transporting him to a more tranquil state of mind. both of his hands pressed against the shower wall to support his quivering frame and shoulders.

he continued to count. to think. to try his hardest to understand.

recalled certain conversations.

of junmyeon, experiencing a similar tumultuous event. his body had wavered, too, getting up from the table and exiting the room with a rush, as the tap of the kitchen sink overflowed and wetted the laminate flooring, and as baekhyun and minseok watched him leave in fear.

baekhyun remembered how he had followed after him, the panic rising in his chest and throat, only to find junmyeon kneeling in the bathroom, the water rising above the bath level, pouring from the sink, crashing over the surrounding space. blue everywhere. cold and scared and baekhyun had tried to shake junmyeon from his trance; to shake him from those stunned, black eyes, staring ominously into space, consuming and controlling him.

that was what baekhyun realised he had to do now too.

the water was rushing like a crashing wave down his back and his legs. it attempted to soothe and to clear.

soojung's face appeared in the swirling mass of liquid gushing at the bottom of the shower; uncaring eyes and pointed brows, mouthing words to him that he didn't want to hear.

baekhyun squeezed his eyes shut as the waves blinded him.

heart pounded and the pitch-blackness of everything curled in around him. he breathed and counted.

an authoritative knock sounded over the echoing effect of the running shower.

baekhyun removed himself from the warmth of the comfort he'd managed to create, wrapping the towel instinctively around himself. the floor was splattered with water droplets, covering his dirty clothes, feet sticking against the cold tiles. utter darkness.

he didn't turn the shower off, his hand yanking the door open without any precarity or thought process.

chest heaved up and down, as junmyeon appeared in the doorway, standing feet apart, staring at baekhyun with a mixed look of confusion and terror.

baekhyun wanted to speak, but his lips failed him.

planets separated.

junmyeon's black eyes mirrored baekhyun's.

but then his vision softened, and his voice which was speaking into the atmosphere was drowned out by the water running, but baekhyun understood.

as one.

he did understand.

"you're gonna be okay."

he was.

his system was taken over. junmyeon's hand on his shoulder sent him into an even deeper trance.

but he was going to be okay.

//