c h a p t e r  2 3
a b a n d o n
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NATASHA'S POV

I had just finished planning the list of games for the fate preparations, when the common room phone went off, making Mrs McLean—my new warden, who is frankly much better than Godzilla—drop the bag of trash in a fright.

"That damn ringtone is the loudest thing I have ever heard, I swear it scares me every time," she said, placing a hand on her heart.

I smiled at her getting up from my chair, "you can take care of the call, I'll throw the trash out" I offered, picking up the trash bag before she could respond. 

Its not like I had anything better to do anyway, since today was Sunday. 

"Thank you, dear" she called back. Already hastening to grab the phone.

With one hand buried deep in my cardigan pocket, I leisurely strolled out of the hostel, heading to the back alley where the trash bags are dumped for the garbage truck to come and collect.

I gazed up at the sky. It was a lovely cloudless blue. 

The air had almost lost all of its humidity. The sunlight felt warmer than before as it caressed my skin. Even the days seemed to last longer for this past couple of days. I guess summer was finally coming to HoneyTop.

And with it our three months of summer vacation.

Although the long vacation wouldn't formally begin until next week or so, I had already packed up half of my luggage.

I was over the moon last Saturday when my mom gave me permission over the phone to invite my friends to spend the vacation at my grandparent's farmhouse.   

Wasting no time, I invited as many of my friends as I could. Though most of them had declined my invitation due to their own previously planned plans, I was more than content with having the ones I was closest with ready to board the plane with me.

Since Kate and I were cousins, we already had intentions of spending the vacation together. But now with Selen, Ester, Adam, Parul and Milo; all ready to board the plane, I felt like I had my whole gang coming home with me.  

Well almost my whole gang.

There's still one individual that I haven't invited. Somebody who is an imperative part of my boarding friend circle. Somebody I still couldn't bring the nerve to invite.

I finally rounded up the corner and come to stand still, when I spotted Blaze standing over a trash can ripping some paper violently. 

Why does he always appear in front of me every time I subconsciously think about him?

I stayed fix on my stop, still as the stump of a tree, afraid to even breath loudly, in case it makes him aware of my presence. Silently observing him with part confusion and part worry as he threw the tiny shredded pieces of paper in the trash can with a tear rolling down his face. His chest swelling profoundly.

His face was still soft, tinged with sadness, his gaze on some faraway spot. I wondered where his thoughts had gone and what could be so bad in Blaze's life that he'd stand in the middle of a rough alley littered with trash and cry.

I felt wrong for standing there and watching him in this state. I wondered what right I had to see him cry. To intrude on a moment which isn't meant for others to see.

I decided to walk away before he could see me and feel bad for letting someone else catch him in this vulnerable state. But he turned his head unexpectedly an found me staring at him before I could run away.   

He looked away just as quickly as our eyes collide.

Since I was already caught, It would be pointless of me to run away now. So instead I pretend like I didn't see him rub his tears away on the sleeves of his blue jeans shirt and strolled over to finish the errand of disposing of the trash bag. 

Seeing me advance towards where he was standing, Blaze took a step back. I sighed a relief, thinking he was leaving, that I would not be confronted for walking in on him like this. 

But...  

"Why have you been avoiding me?" He asked instead.

Looks like Blaze decided to confront me after all. Just regarding something else.

Biting my lips I stare hard at the stone wall in front of me, trying to think of an excuse.

"I haven't been avoiding you" I end up saying, when I couldn't come up with something.

"You say that with your back turned to me?"

I close my eyes and tip my head down in defeat.

"Is this your way of saying that you find looking at trash more interesting than looking at me?" His voice sounded teasing. I didn't have to look back to know that he said that with his ever present smirk.

Shaking my head, I turned around with pinched lips. I didn't look up straight at him as I usually do. Instead, I diverted my attention down at my white shoes examining with great interest just how dirty they had gotten from the sides.   

"And now you are looking at your shoes. Definitely not avoiding me," he commented again, making me roll my eyes at him and look up in irritation.

"Happy" I mouthed, baring my teeth at him.  

While he laughed at my expression I took a proper look at him. 

The Blaze I had seen just a minute ago was gone. He didn't just brilliantly wipe away the evidence of sadness, but had also successfully wiped away the very existence of it from his face. Had I not seen it with my own bare eyes I would have continued doubting the idea of Blaze even being capable of crying.

As he stood in front of me, with squared shoulders and a carefree smile on his face, I couldn't help but wonder, how many times had I been fooled by this facade of his.

Just how many times had he faked a smile to master this art?

My thoughts must have shown on my face, in the way I stared at him, because he had to break his fake smile and look away briefly before bouncing back to smirking at me. 

He took a step forward, making me involuntarily step back, "If you are really not avoiding me then prove it" he said slowly, making sure I got every word inside my ear. 

I frown at him, "what do you mean?"

This time Blaze was the one to ingnor looking at me. His gaze bounced to diffrent places before momentarily getting fixed on the wall behind my head. Balling up his hands he stuffed them inside his jeans pocket.

He mumbled the next words staring at his shoes, "There is this place that I have been wanting to visit ever since I got here," he kicked an invisible stone before meeting my eyes once again, "will you come with me?"

_______♡_______

We walked silently side by side.

Every minute or so our hands and arms would brush against each other, making us awkwardly look at random things while creating some distance between us, only to subconsciously get close again.

"How far is this place?" I finally asked, feeling like I had already met my walking limit for the day. 

"We are almost there" he said.

"Weren't we almost there twenty minutes ago too?"

A cunning smile grazed Blaze's lips as he wheeled around, walking backwards looking at me from under his lashes in a sultry fashion.

"If you are tired I can carry yo-"

"No thanks" I ran ahead before he could finish his darning sentence. That piggy ride had nearly given me a heart attack last time. I was positive if I found my self in such a proposition again, I would surely pass out and die.   

"That's the wrong direction, we have to go left" he called back with a laugh when he saw me taking the right turn ahead.

I cursed under my breath, swiftly changing my direction and turning left only to realize the idiot was lying when I glanced back and saw him take the right turn instead of left.  

"YOU LAIR!" I yelled sprinting after him with my hands reached out to smack his back as soon as I catch up to him.

♡

"This looks like a nice neighbourhood" I commented when we entered a street with old, worn out houses with overgrown garden weeds and chipped away wall paints. 

As we walked in further, I saw few old people sitting outside on their galleries, chatting away animatedly and serving warm tea to one another. Some of them were playing cards, and one old couple was playing with their dog. The smell of lemon and ginger mixed with the sweet smell of bread lingered in the air. 

I continued gazing around. My face genuinely couldn't prevent itself from beaming as I marvelled at the splendid environment this neighbourhood emitted. So warm and full of happiness.        

Seeing old people live happily was such a joyous feeling. 

"Do know someone who lives here?" I inquired.

"You could say that..." he simply stated.

"Huh?"

Despite the contagious happy aura of this street, Blaze appeared to get sombre as we walked deeper into the neighbourhood. 

I followed him wordlessly like a lost puppy while Blaze took turns after turns through a maze of narrow streets jammed with old houses until we come upon a lone house at the end of the road.

"Um... Why are we breaking into an abandoned house Blaze?" I asked when I saw Blaze pry open the termite filled wooden fence gate.   

I waited for him to explain why he brought me here, but he just strode inside without casting a glance behind at me. Leaving me with no other choice but follow his lead.

I serioulsy sometimes have no fucking clue of what goes on in his head. 

The dried leaves crunched beneath our shoes as we crept along the cracked pathway and overgrown weed. Ivy smothered the front of the house, its finger-like vines reaching in through the spaces in between the brick walls and curling around rusted balcony railings.

"Seriously Blaze, what is this place? Is this where you wanted to come?" I inquired, perplexed as to why he would wish to come here of all places.

He finally stopped right at the foot of the house and peered up at it with longing.

"Blaze?"

"This is... No... This was my home" he finally said.

"Oh!" was all I could manage to get out after a few seconds of saying nothing.

I watched Blaze's ever Stoic frame hunch a little as he took in the rotten state of his house.

"My mom and my Uncle grew up here and so did I." His voice barely above a whisper. 

I take a few footsteps towards him to stand right beside him. Tipping my head back a little, I inspect the house before me. 

"I bet this place was quite pretty and warm back then," I said after a while. 

"It was, yes."

"There used to be a garden here too" he pointed out behind me with childlike excitement, "Just like the ones you have in St Marry. And the walls used to be white," he once again had a faraway look in his eyes as he peered up at the house, no doubt his eyes seeing a different version of it. 

"Now it's all gray." He sighed.

There was a grave sorrow in his sigh, making worry about him. 

"What happened?" I couldn't stop myself from asking.

"I think I happened" he chuckled. His laugh though was devoid of any humor.

"What..." I cleared my throat before continuing, "what do you mean by that?"

"Just that I am the reason his house is in this condition. It was indeed a very warm and happy house when it was just my mom, my Uncle and my Nana living here... I guess it was warm even when my dad moved in. They were all happy here but than I happened... And I took away all the warmth and happiness from this house and turned into..." he throws his hands out, "this."

He tried to seem nonchalant, speaking in a joking manner but the slight tremor in his voice didn't go unnoticed by me. 

"I am sure that's not true" I inched closer to him, placing a hand over his shoulder to comfort him. But he pulled away. 

"What do you know?" He snapped at me suddenly.

His words stung me a little but I tried not to be bothered by them, he was obviously hurting over something.  

"You are right. I don't... So tell me Blaze. You can tell me" hesitantly I once again placed a hand on his shoulder. He didn't push me away this time.

"You can tell me Blaze." I repeated myself gentely. 

However, he didn't say anything for a very long time. He Just kept staring at the empty house. It was so hard for me to understand what was going on in his head by just looking at him. So many emotions played at once on his features. His eyes looked both sad and angry. The corners of his lips would twitch ever so slightly to form a smile, but then he would clench his jaw in next second of it. 

A part of me wished to walk away once again. To leave him be. To let him sort out his mess on his own. But the other part of me desperately wanted for him to open up to me and tell me what's troubling him.

Then there was also this entirely different part which sort off understood him.    

Understood that though he brought me along to show me a glimpse of his fallen past. He wasn't yet ready to tell me about it. 

Once I let that part take over, my feet and hands moved on their own accord. Following a gut feeling, I quietly and softly grasped his hands in mine, drawing them towards me to gain his attention as I said, "Let's go back now Blaze." 

_______♡_______

I dumped my school bag on Blaze's lap as I settled down beside him on the terrace, overlooking the dark shadow cutouts of hills far away. The stars twinkled clearly across the dark night sky tonight.

"Wow! You sure do get the best night view out of us all huh?" I snatched the duvet from under his legs to cosy up in it, "I can hardly see all these stars for my room window."

I glanced over at Blaze and let out a snort when I saw his 'wtf' expression.

"Please piss off" He said, without blinking an eye. Making me laugh at him.

I faked a pout, "and here I thought you would thank me for blessing you with my company. I even brought some snacks for you. Sheesh! Some people really don't know how to appreciate other people's efforts" I mumbled with a heavy sight while playing with the duvet.

He looked down at my school bag that was still resting on his lap with curiosity. I nudged him with my head to open it and watched with excitement as he took out packet after packet of delicious goodies.

Blaze flashed me one of his rare big smiles when he found the stash of sour cream and onion flavoured potato chips. His absolute favourite in the world.

"I take my words back," he said tearing open the chips packet and stuffing his face. I wanted to have some too but he slapped my hands away mumbling "mine" with a mouthful.   

I rolled my eyes at him and went for the Oreos insted. 

"What an ungrateful jerk" I murmured before taking a bite of Oreo, making Blaze stick his tongue out at me.    

"About earlier," he suddenly said after a while "I am sorry for snapping at you...I asked you to come along and then I—"

"It's fine. I understand...I guess" I cut him short. I didn't want him to feel guilty over it.

"Do you?" 

Putting aside the chips, he pulled up his legs and wrapped his arms around them, staring straight ahead into the sky.   

"Because I frankly don't." he whispered.

I too discarded the Oreos and folded my legs. Giving Blaze my full attention. Getting him to talk wasn't my intention at all when I came looking for him I simply didn't want to leave him alone. But now that it seemed like he might talk about it, I didn't want him to shut me out as he did earlier.

I placed a hand on his hand, silently encouraging him to tell me what's going on. Maybe then even I could come clean about the secret I have been hiding from him. 

"Whatever it is you can tell me Blaze."

"Today..." he slowly began, "is my nana's death anniversary."

"Is that why you wanted to go back to your home? Because you missed her?" I quietly asked.

He nodded his head, "she often told me how she wished to visit our old house so...I thought I should visit it today, for her sake."

"I am sure she must be happy now that you fulfilled her wish"

Blaze smiled a little hearing that, "you think so?" He asked. I nodded my head.

We became quiet once again after that. Listening to the echoes of cold breeze and our steady breaths.

I took a deep breath to steady my nerves before bringing up the topic once again.

"You must have been really close to her seeing how much you miss her. My grandmother has passed away too but... I don't even recall spending much time with her. I don't have any memories to look back at. I don't even know if I had been close enough to love her and to miss her."  

"My... My Dad left me and my mom three weeks after I was born." I snapped my head to stare at him with wide eyes and open jaw. I knew my reaction would appear insulting, but I was too shocked to care about that. Blaze though remained obvious to it. He kept his eyes fixed on the hills and spoke rashly. His face and voice devoid of any emotions. 

"And my mom too abandoned me when I was only five. Ever since then my nana and my uncle were the only ones who looked after me. They fed me and clothed me. They brought me up."

It felt like someone had poured a bucket of ice cold water over my head. I was too numb to say anything. How could someone do that to their own child? Leave them like that?

Although I was shocked at this revelation, I was also confused. If his Uncle had been the one to watch after him along with his grandma then why did he and Father Joseph had such a bitter relationship? 

Could it because of...no.

I stop my thoughts before they get out of control. If Blaze had known the truth all along then Parker wouldn't have asked me to keep it a secret from him.

Blaze snapped his fingers in front of my face, drawing me back from my internal musing.

"What are you thinking so hard about?" He tilted his head down to look at me with a teasing smile, "You don't need to worry about it. Whatever my parents did to me was long before I could learn to remember them."

"But still..." I trailed off. 

He sighed and nodded his head, "sure I do think my parents are quite a breed of assholes to leave me like this but after a time they just become irrelevant to me," he snorted looking away to the right, "it's unnecessarily tiring, trying to hate strangers." 

"Your Uncle is not a stranger though," I finally voiced my confusion, "you say he is the one who brought you up... So why don't you like him?"

He clenched his jaw at my words. For a long time, he didn't say anything. I figured this was the end of our conversation, so I gently removed the duvet off of me and prepared to leave, but he grasped my hand and begged me to stay with his eyes. 

"I went to his office to see him today." He uttered under his breath, his words diluting into the wind, making me strain myself to hear what he said, I had almost not heard him at all.

I had to lean my head towards him, so I wouldn't miss a single word. 

"I thought despite what had happened five years ago, I would give him another chance. I would ask him to come along with me but HE" his voice strained and hitched at the mention of Father Joseph. He let out another humourless chuckle before continuing "He... Told me to come back later, that he had an important meeting to attend."   

I stare down at my hands, not knowing what to say. Blaze didn't seem to want to hear anything from me anyway because he continued on without a pause. The longer he spoke the harsher his tone got. 

"Maybe the day she had died he had an important meeting too," he said with a bite in his tone, "maybe the day after her death he had an important meeting too. He must have also had an important meeting on the day of her funeral!"

I could hear his loud intake of shallow breaths as he tried to hold back from screaming.

"Blaze..." I whispered his name and held on to his hand to offer him comfort to let him know that everything will be alright. Even though, I myself doubted the possibility of it.

He closed his eyes and tilted his head back, "I waited in that cold graveyard in front of my nana's cold grave for two days. I kept telling myself he will come soon. But he didn't Natasha. He didn't show up until after a month."  

"It was too late by then" his voice broke down.

Blaze hanged his head between his legs.

"Blaze..." I struggled to even speak his name too stunned by his words. I couldn't even bring myself to look at him anymore. He went through so much and if he now finds out about... It would break him. Completely, utterly shatter him.

I might not know what goes in his head but I knew how he will feel when he learns about his Uncle and... He would never be able to forgive his Uncle. He would only feel cheated and abandoned once again. 

"I am so-"

"Please don't say anything Glazer."

He cut me off leaning in closer his fair face shining under the pale night sky. He had a look of someone who had just made peace with his past, I could see it in his eyes, that though he was still hurting and angry he wanted his hurting and rage to stop.

My heart sunk once again for him.   

What he wants so desperately, he would not be able to get it just yet. There's still something he doesn't know.

He's trying so hard to be strong but I am afraid when he discovers the truth he'll just crumble down like a sandcastle. 

This is so unfair. 

Blaze slowly lifted his hand and brought it closer to my face; gently wiping away the tears I didn't know I had shed.

"Instead" he breathed out, and I felt his breath fan my cheeks smelling of sour cream and onions "do me a favour. If I ever cry again, please let you be the only one who sees it."  

_______♡_______

*sighs* now we know why he doesn't like Father Joseph. But we still don't know what N knows so...what do you think she knows?