i feel like my friends don't really care about talking to me and don't really enjoy it and are just using me or some shit

i haven't talked to most of my irl friends in like months and my mom is always like "you should reach out to them" but why should i reach out if they clearly don't give a shit about talking to me???

and the friends that i DO talk to (both online and irl) seem to not want to have conversations with me??? like a lot of the time when i try to start conversations with them, their responses just make it seem like they're so uninterested in me and what's going on in my life and i know that they shouldn't be obligated to listen to me but i can't STAND feeling like i'm not fucking listened to!!!!!!

i feel like it's unfair for me to be upset like this because they've done so much to help me, but at the same time it seems like ppl are ONLY interested in me when i'm in danger of hurting myself or something,,,

and i don't even know if this is valid to be upset about or not bc i'm so fucking detached from reality that i can't tell if this is something that's ACTUALLY happening or if it's just something that my brain is convincing me is going on and i'm just being dramatic about it

i'm sorry, i'm not mad, it just really, REALLY hurts.