Chapter 23

Celebes Enna Escuadro

"It's nice to see you again, Dr. Hyde." My brother's serious tone sounded like it could slice through ice. Hindi ko mapigilang mapairap dahil napilit niya talaga akong bumisita ulit sa aking psychiatrist. Nakaupo lamang ang doktor habang kami ni Sarge ay nakatayo sa harapan ng kanyang mesa. "I sincerely hope you'll continue to treat my sister in your clinic even after she had ghosted you for months."

Tumango si Dr. Hyde tila bagot na bagot dahil sa kung paano niya paikutin sa mga daliri niya ang ballpen. Nakatitig lamang ito roon at parang walang pakialam sa mundo. Kulang na lang ay pumikit ito sa pagkabagot.

The tattoo on one side of his face looked kind of foreign after not seeing him for a while. I already forgot what font it was since he mentioned it was not popular.

My brother didn't even blink when Dr. Hyde nonchalantly dropped the ballpen on the table and began tapping on his iPad.

"I'll adjust my schedule for you, Celebes but this won't come cheap. Follow me to the White room," he simply said and stood up before wearing his white coat. He didn't say anything else and exited his own office.

Kahit hindi siya pinansin ng Doktor, hindi na nagreklamo si Sarge. It seems like his patience is infinite when it comes to Dr. Hyde since his serious expression didn't hint any disappoinment or embarrassment.

"Sarge," tawag ko rito. Lumambot ang ekpresyon sa kanyang mukha. Bakit ba paniwalang-paniwala sila na makakatulong itong pakikipag-usap ko sa psychiatrist sa akin? "Wala namang mangyayari. I don't feel like this treatment will go anywhere."

Isa pa, hindi lang naman dahil doon ang pagdududa ko. My psychiatrist is fucking screwed as well. He's not "normal". This was one of the reasons I stopped coming back.

Kaya ba nagpsychiatrist ito dahil sa sarili?

"I know this won't be able to erase the past but it'll help you bit by bit, I'm sure of it, Celebes." Tinawag na ako nito sa pangalan ko. Where's "baby" now? If I know and I'm really sure of it, Sarge is only doing this because of our father who always gets what he wants—inlcluding mother. The memory of their bitter story made me swallow a lump in my throat.

I could clearly see the pain in my brother's eyes. The past has made our lives a nightmare but I still need the truth from him. My brother doesn't make important decisions by himself anymore ever since what happened years ago.

"Just be honest with me please, Kuya," pagsusumamo ko rito. "Is this because of Dad's demands to you?"

Napabuntong-hininga si kuya habang hinihilot ang sintido.

"Nothing gets past my smartass sister as always."

Inirapan ko ito.

"Just tell me!" nawawalan ng pasensya kong sigaw. "Kuya Sargasso!"

He raised his hands as if surrendering and scrunched up his nose in annoyance. It's obvious he didn't want to admit it but what's the big deal?! It's not like our oh so great Dad was too kind to stay away from his children's affairs. Masyado itong pakialamero.

"Dad won't stop pestering you until he finds out you're going back to seeing your phychiatrist." So tama nga ako. I combed my hair anxiously as I stared at the clinic name on the wall. Jekyll & Hyde Clinic. The ampersand in the middle always made me curious because the man's name was Jekyll Hyde, a combination of two characters from a novel a very long time ago.

Two entirely different egos. Is that also the doctor's deal? Is he like Dad? Yung parang hingi mo makuha ang timpla dahil kung hindi naman ito masyadong malamig umasta, madalas itong may mainiting ulo.

I couldn't help but voice out one of the questions in my head.

"Did he pick this clinic for me way back because he's just like the phychiatrist?" My brother looked taken aback. He opened is mouth but I cut him off. "There's really no point in that question now since I've already been here a few times. At hindi ko mapagkakatiwalaan ang Doktor na ito dahil baka espiya ito ng magaling nating ama."

"I know, baby but he's the only psychiatrist we can find who will surely keep his silence about your past." Bullshit. "Of course we both already how Dad works. He plays dirty. I'm sure he dug this psychiatrist's secret to blackmail him to treat you."

Our father had to go to all the trouble just so my past won't leave a stain in our family's name.

Kung pinapatay na lang ako nito, eh di sana wala na akong problema 'di ba?

"I'll be outside." Sarge patted my head and smiled loosely, completely unaware of the growing darkness in my mind. "Wala man lang waiting area sa clinic na 'to kaya kailangan kong magmukhang tambay sa labas." Nakuha pa talaga nitong magbiro. "I wonder where all the money is going because this clinic looks so worn out." He eyes the peeling paint on the wall and laughed. "Maybe Dad isn't paying him enough? Naghihirap na pala tayo?"

I envy my brother's talent to feign liveliness but I'm also thankful that he gets to be like this after everything. But I still think he's not fully there just like me.

—

10 years ago.

"Baby Enna!" tawag ni Kuya Yangtze sa akin. Nakasukbit ang packbag niya sa kanyang balikat habang humihikab. Magulo ang basa nitong buhok na hindi man lang naisip na patuyuin dahil sa pagmamadali.

"Kuya naman! I'm not a baby anymore!" inis kong sabi sa kanya kaya napanguso siya na parang bata.

"You'll still be our baby even when your hair turns white,"  he cooed and smiled. His pearly whites almost blinded me. His striking blue eyes all too familiar since it's the signature color of the Azul guys. Lahat ng mga kapatid ko asulan ang mata pero hindi man lang ako nakaramdam ng katiting na inggit dahil namana nila ang nga matang 'yan kay Dad. I still don't like him one bit. "Plus, we all get older so it's not like we'll stay young while you grow old so you'll always be our baby~"

Hmp. He has a point.

Kuya Yangtze is the 4th eldest among my 5 brothers and the closest one to me, well of course aside from Sargasso. The two of them are the sweetest and the funniest in the entire family. Magkakaedad kami kaya kaming tatlo ang laging magkakasama.

"Kanina ko pa kayo hinintay sa kotse. Nandito lang pala kayo," masungit na bungad ni Sarge. Awtomatiko akong napasimangot sa pagsulpot nito dahil para siyang baliw sa napiling getup. Plus, the "suplado" look doesn't suit this clown. "Oh ano't nakabusangot ka na naman?"

I batted my eyelashes at him and pouted.

"Sarge, Kuya Yangtze is still calling me a baby~" ngawa ko rito. "I'm old enough already!"

Tumaas ang kilay ni Sarge. Mukha lang itong suplado pero hindi naman ako nito matitiis. Pa-cool kuno ang image na gusto nitong ipakita ngayong mas dumami pa ang mga babaeng nahuhumaling sa kanya. Hindi na lang ako nagkomento sa suot nitong leather jacket at pants na paniguradong out of place sa School Retreat namin. He wants to look like a Kpop Idol.

Well he can pull it off, I guess because of his face. Good luck with the heat though. I'll probably laugh so loud once I'll hear his complaints about the weather once we get there.

"But you're our baby," ani Sarge habang tila nag-iisip. Mukha lang itong nag-iisip pero paniguradong kalokohan na naman ang lalabas sa bibig nito. "Well unless dad finds a 6th wife then maybe we'll push the title to a younger sibling." Napamulagat ako sa sinabi nito. "What?"

Kinutusan naman ito ni Kuya Yangtze.

"Loko-loko ka talagang bubwit ka. Alam mo namang hindi pa rin mahanap ang Mom niyo ni Baby Enna 'di ba? 6th wife na agad?"

"Ah." Sarge had this dumbfounded look on his face as if just realizing his stupidity. Realization dawned on his eyes. Tumitig ito nang mataman sa malayo. "Right. Mom is still missing."

Napalunok ako para hindi ngumawa na parang bata. I'm not a kid anymore. I know we'll find mom in the future. I just know it.

Kuya Yangtze clicked his tongue and looked at his watch.

"Let's go. Malelate na kayo sa School Retreat."

Ah. Tumango na lang ako kay Kuya at tahimik na sumunod. Wala na rin kaming narinig na imik kay Sarge.

Papasibol pa lang ng araw nang makaalis kami sa bahay. Rinig ko pa ang malinaw na tunog ng mga kulisap at huni ng mga ibon dahil sa sobrang aga. Ramdam na ramdam ko rin ang lamig ng hangin dahil nakabukas ang bintana sa gilid ko.

I decided to close the car window since it's still so cold. I heard Sarge sniffling from the backseat. Even when he's wearing leather, he just can't fight the called.

"Achoo!" I looked at his annoyed face through the rearview mirror and he too closed the sidedoor windows. He saw me staring him and he just shrugged his shoulders. I could see the snot dripping out of his nose and I rolled my eyes in disgust. He wouldn't even wipe it!

"Just wipe the snot out of your nose!" utos ko rito. Walanghiyang uhuging 'to. May pa-Korean getup pang nalalaman pero ayan at hindi marunong magpunas ng sipon.

Kuya Yangtze chuckled and took out some tissue from the compartment. He handed them to Sarge while still driving.

I scrunched up my nose after hearing Sarge blow his nose like a freaking elephant.

Ting! Ting! Ting!

I immediately took out my phone because everyone's on mute except for my boyfriend and my brothers and knowing my brothers they don't really message anything unless it's important.

[ Iguazu: Did you really just take my car, Yang? ]

I burst out laughing.

"Kuya! Si Kuya Iguazu gising na pala! Hahahahaha! He's definitely pissed because of the car!"

Kuya Yangtze shrugged his shoulders.

[ Pacifico: Dad's going to be pissed that you took the kids out, Yangtze. It's not safe to travel that far for a shool retreat. What if something happens to you and the kids? ]

Parang naririnig ko na ang boses ng pinakamatanda naming kapatid na wagas kung makasermon.

"Kids?! Ugh. Sobrang gurang talaga nitong si Kuya Ocean."

"Don't talk about our brother that way, " saway ni Kuya Yangtze sa akin kaya napanguso ako. "He's just a worrywart."

I know. It's not like I can berate Kuya Pacifico or Kuya Ocean as we call him(because his name sounds so old). Dad is really going to be pissed that we went out behind his back. He was really against the idea of Sarge and I going to a school retreat because the location is far away.

Buti na lang at pumayag si Kuya Yangtze na ihatid kami ni Sarge dahil nagsumamo kami sa kanya kagabi. Hindi namin kayang mapalampas ang school retreat lalo na't nandoon lahat ng mga kaibigan at kaklase namin. Ayaw naming mapag-iwanan o masabihang sobrang strikto ng aming magulang.

What if rumors spread? And what if someone seduces my boyfriend while I'm out of sight?! I won't take that! I will fucking kill anyone who dares to lay a hand on him.

My boyfriend is perfect. His name is even more perfect!

—

"Ms. Escuadro, you've stopped talking. Do you remember which part of the past we're recalling?"

I flinched and stared at my psychiatrist. His face seemed like a mask that hid all his real emotions.

"Yes?"

"You've stopped talking after you've mentioned your first boyfriend. This isn't the first time you've mentioned him to me so it's okay."

That's right but I can't seem to remember how many timed I've tried to talk about what happened 10 years ago.

I blinked and chuckled.

"I hate him so much, Doctor that even recalling his name makes me want to murder him again on the spot."

Dr. Hyde didn't even blink. Nasanay na ito sa akin. Alam na rin naman niya ang nangyari. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ba kailangang paulit-ulit kong magpakonsulta sa doktor na ito gayong wala namang magbabago.

"It was not your fault, Ms. Escuadro." Hindi ko na mapigilang mairita. "You were young back then and emotional. That person manipulated you to—"

"Did my Dad pay you to say that to me, Dr. Hyde?" Wala pa ring emosyong makikita sa mukha nito kaya mas lalo akong nairita. "It was clearly my fault. I fell for that scumbag's promises and survived to show him that outliving that bastard is better than hell. Because I'm fucking sure that whatever he did to me and my brother will make him fucking rot and burn in hell."

"Would you like to talk about your brother Yangtze, Ms. Escuadro?"

Nangilid ang luha sa mga mata ko.

"He's dead. I killed him too." Hindi ko na mapigilang mapaluha nang maalala si Kuya Yangtze. He was the best of us. He didn't deserve to die. "I-I killed him too."

"No, Ms. Escuadro. You didn't. Your brother chose that path."

"He blamed himself that I was raped! It was all my fucking fault!" I cried my eyes out not caring that Dr. Hyde will think I'm losing my mind because he already knew I've fucking lost it. "And Sarge... Sargasso, my dearest free-spirited brother has now become my father's lackey and lost all the will to set himself free because of what happened. Alam kong sinisisi rin niya ang sarili dahil sa nangyari sa akin at kay Kuya Yangtze. He used to be so carefree. Ngayon, kahit siguro utusan siya ni Dad na tumalon sa gusali ay tatalon ito."

"Your brother Sargasso is coping with what happened by following your Dad's orders. He seemed to think that he will never be able to make a good decision without your father's guidance."

I blinked my tears away.

"W-Wait, shouldn't my brother be taking counseling as well?"

"What makes you think that I'm the only psychiatrist your father knows?" Dr. Hyde gave out a mischievous grin that made me lose my train of thought. He seemed to notice since he changed the subject again. "Wasn't it Christmas when it all happened?"

I clenched my teeth

"Stop. I'm done for the recalling part for today, Dr. Hyde."

"If you say so." He stood up after tapping on his iPad. "You already know what to do for the next part. Take off your clothes and wear the blindfold. Don't worry. Your body does not interest me as always."

His fucking unconventional methods are so weird. It's not even formally tested for sure.

—

As I thought, my boss didn't even listen to a word I said about not wanting to see him for a couple of days.

"Hi," Alessandro's almost quiet hi made me smile a bit. Fuck. Why was he created handsome, hot, and cute? And what the heck is he doing in my unit again? He was even  seated on the floor while folding clothes.

Wait what—are those my clothes?!

Wala sa sarili akong napatakbo at halos liparin na ang coffee table nang makitang dadamputin na ni Alessandro ang isang red panty ko na paniguradong tutupiin ng loko.

I swiped the exposed colorful panties on the coffee table and stuffed them in my bag.

Alessandro's face turned red when he realized.

"Did you do my laundry?!"

He awkwardly smiled at me.

"Ah. Yeah."

Many people must really have died from embarrassment because I think I'm going to have a fucking heart attack!

"B-Bakit?! Did they smell so bad that you needed to have it washed?!" I shrieked. "And what are you doing here?!"

"Your brother told me to clean your room and bring lechon manok."

I'm going to lose my mind again and again.

"KUYA SARGASSO!"

"Baby? Are you there?" My brother's voice made my boss's lips twitch surely from pure annoyance.

"Yes, MY baby sweetheart is here!" sigaw naman ng boss ko.

My brother decided to march to the living room. He was wearing an apron over his pajamas and is now scowling in annoyance.

"Ba't ikaw sumagot? Baby ba kita?"

Damn it. Why am I stuck with these guys when I'm supposed to have a vacation?!