Username: ShikaDreamer108

Book title: Milk, sugar & cocoa (rewritten)

Genre: Teen fiction

Focus: General feedback, plot, MC.

THE COVER

It caught my eye straight away. The colour palette chosen is wonderfully apt. The title font and placement is impeccable. It suits the genre particularly well.

Pointers:

1. The tag line is a bit long and it's not catchy. It could be tightened up. I suggest something like: "Sometimes, broken people fix other broken people." There is obvious room for improvement even with what I'm suggesting but I'm just trying to get my point across with an example. Right now, it's a bit too wordy to work as a good hook.

2. The author's name squished in the corner doesn't catch the eye. It doesn't need to be big and bold, cause your title draws in the eye (which I love) but I would suggest bringing it to the top/bottom centre, maybe with white font. You can have the same font size if you'd like but the placement needs to change. I would also advise using a penname instead of your username. If you don't want to use your real name or don't feel like making one up, how about simply, Shika?

Otherwise I love the colour palette, bold lettering and clean lines. Very well done.

THE BLURB:

I compared your current blurb to the previous one, and I must say there was definite improvement. The backstory provided is compelling. The length is perfect for what you are trying to do and the end hook works beautifully.

Pointers:

1. I love the start but I think the break from structure, hinders the flow. The line goes: "A haunting past... A dark society... Broken people... The world is a cruel place"

Very poetic and catchy. But it can be improved. The break in structure after two phrases starting with, "A" and the third one simply being "broken people" instead something starting with "A" throws off the balance.

So I would suggest: "Haunting past... Dark society... Broken people... The world is a cruel place."

(Or)

"A haunting past... A dark society... A broken girl... The world is a cruel place."

2. The first sentence of the second paragraph is a run on sentence that is too wordy. I suggest this: "After fleeing an abusive life in Ghana, Jemimah starts a new chapter with her father and his new family in England. There, she learns the harshness of the outside world that she'd been locked away from her whole life."

Otherwise, the conscise information presented drew me in and made me really want to crack the book open and take a look.

THE PLOT:

You asked me to focus on the plot, but all I have to say about it is, it's top notch. There are little to no clichés. Even the minimal ones that are there (which I'll talk about more in characterisation) really gel into the story and don't stick out like a sore thumb.

Premise:

The premise is very clear. You promised us a coming of age adventure set in a foreign land, full of self realisation and you delivered. The more I read, the more the plot drew me in.

Pacing:

The problems that I usually face in teen fiction with regards to plot is pacing issues. It's always either too fast or too slow. Yours just right. You give enough details both with the backstory and the present day, but it doesn't bog down the pace. Rather it enriches the story and makes it all the more fun to read.

Originality:

Though fish out of the water stories are dime a dozen, yours had something new. I love how you put your own spin on it. Tackling issues of race — the way you have done it — is a fresh take. It's not as surface level and simple as "Ooh racism is bad." I like the nuance you bring you the issue. I like that it's through the eyes of a 13 year old girl. And layering it all with trauma due to abuse really came together. Good job.

So premise, pacing, originality, plausibility, everything gets an A+.

THE WRITING (Technical):

The writing is pretty solid without major mistakes. You don't have tense issues. The syntax and structuring is pretty good for most part. Since it was mentioned that this is an edited/rewritten version, I am being nitpicky about the grammar. I hope these pointers help with future edits.

Few consistent grammatical errors I noticed:

(This is not all of them. I'm pointing out examples so you can fix others like these)

1. Run on sentences.

(This is from chapter 1 I think)

Line: I threw my arms around him, gratefully, and after he had downloaded some apps, and shown me how to use it, it was time for him to go.

Problem: This sentence is too long and too wordy to get through.

Suggested edit: I threw my arms around him. Once he had downloaded some apps and shown me how to use it, it was time for him to go.

2. You capitalise dialogue tags and place full stops in place of commas within the quotes.

Example: Chapter 1: "Thank you for flying with us." She said softly.

Suggested edit: "Thank you for flying with us," she said softly.

Chapter 1: "JEMIMAH, He barked out again.

Suggested edit: "JEMIMAH," he barked out again.

Chapter 2 (I think): "You'll like it here," She assured me.

Suggested edit: "You'll like it here," she assured me.

3. Placing the punctuation outside of the quotes for dialogues.

Example: Chapter 4: "You guys will be going to school together so it would be good for her to make some friends before the spring holidays end". Susan suggested.

There are two things wrong with this punctuation. One, it should be a comma instead of a full stop. And two, the punctuation should be within the quotes.

Suggested edit: "You guys will be going to school together so it would be good for her to make some friends before the spring holidays end," Susan suggested.

Now, I know the punctuation is placed outside the quotes in some parts of the world. But there are two points that I'd counter that with. One, most of the world places punctuation within the quotes so majority of your readers would find it distracting and two, it's pretty inconsistent in your book. Sometimes it's placed within the quotes and sometimes it is outside.

My suggestion is to be consistent with whichever method you choose and secondly, I really do think it would be better to place it within the quotes so readers aren't distracted. But of course it's up to you ♥️

I think a quick run through can fix these errors. If you would like some valid resource on dialogue punctuations, I think you might find the following link helpful.

http://theeditorsblog.net/2010/12/08/punctuation-in-dialogue/#:~:text=The%20dialogue%20is%20enclosed%20in,sentence%2C%20it%20is%20not%20capped.

Or you can simply Google 'Dialogue punctuation - editors blog'  and this will most likely be the first resource that pops up.

Hope this helps ♥️

THE WRITING (CREATIVE):

This is where you shine. Your prose drew me in straight away. The subtlety and nuance you bring to writing is pretty amazing. Some examples of my favourite lines go:

1. "I'm pretty sure Tunde is a Nigerian name."

"So?"

"I'm not Nigerian"

This moment between Katie and Jemimah was extremely impactful. I like how you didn't milk it to death. Not many writers would have had that control. This scene exists in its own perfect bubble. The way others think all African countries are the same is such an annoying and ignorant stereotype to deal with — and I love how subtle and throw away it was, rather than this whole emotional thing.

2. Building on my previous point, another beautiful interaction between Katie and Jemimah caught my eye:

"If you go to my place, people will stare at you too. It's because of the curiosity."

I love this is how Jemimah dealt with what Katie threw at her. You avoided the cliché of showing her be hurt by what Katie said but rather had Jemimah take a more practical route. Moments like these were what made me fall in love with your MC.

3. The difference between London and Ghana were beautifully described without it feeling like an info dump. I like be the recurring mentions to "Pure Water." At first I was a bit thrown. But then I immediately understood. While parts of the world took water for granted, in other parts, the purity needs to be specified. What a gut punch moment to zero in on. Really, really good job with this ♥️

4. Another instance where you showed the difference through Jemimah greeting elders in the street. This was a clever way to inject the cultural differences between the two places. Common niceties in one country is strange and unwelcome in an other country. It's such a profound thought.

5. The part about not washing chocolate cake because that was the last thing her auntie touched. What a tear jerking line.

Although your writing style and prose is really good, there were one or two instances which stuck out a bit. In general you take care to avoid telling and show beautifully what's happening. But in some places you straight up tell us what is going on even though you had conveyed the exact idea previously through showing us what you meant.

Examples:

1. I felt you rushed through the whole part about her mother's kidnapping and killing. The paragraph starting with "I was five years old when she disappeared" felt like an info dump.

2. Though you had illustrated the differences between UK and Ghana beautifully, you still told us that Ghana must seem poorer in a completely avoidable paragraph that goes: "Although I didn't get to see much of my country due to being isolated in my uncle's house..."

But these instances were few and far between. For the major part, I truly loved what I was reading and I think you have an amazingly original style as an author. You made the enjoy the reading experience and that's truly what it's about.

THE CHARACTERS:

Jemimah:

What an inspiring MC. She was such a joy to follow. I hate the "Feel bad for me because I'm such a victim MCs." I prefer reading about ones that are broken but still can function because they are resilient. I loved her attitude. She could have an sullen kid. But she takes things in her stride and nothing really fazes her. But she is still human and things get to her. But her reactions are always grounded in reality.

If I try to put myself in her shoes and had to go through what she is going through, I would probably react the same. And that made me fall in love with her. Her innocence is charming. She is not bitter about the world. She is broken but fixable. She hasn't lost hope and that makes me, the reader, feel hopeful too.

Beautiful characterisation and you get full marks for this.

Katie:

I both loved Katie and think there's room for improvement. When she was introduced, I like how you didn't make her the 'mean girl' straight away. Yes she is pretty rude and unlikable but it wasn't overt. She still seller like a real human being and not a cartoon caricature. But later on, when it was her, Amber and Jemimah talking about boys and stuff, both her and Amber dissolved into cliché mean girls and I was a little sad to see the switch. By that I don't mean Katie was ever a good sweet girl. But before that scene, at least she was a human with flaws. But then she became the typical portrayal and your writing is too good for that.

I don't know what her purpose in the story is. I don't know if she ever grows and learns or if she is just the villain stand in. But I liked the Katie in the initial chapters, who though was very flawed, was still relatable to some extent in the sense that she seemed more human.

Other characters:

All of them did their part well. I was swept away by Katie and Jemimah's interactions because their dynamic was so very interesting. But the dad, Susanne, Amber etc were all well done.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

An editing session would be a major help to weed out the issues and tighten the writing over all. Your MC is very well developed and I think other characters would benefit from the same level of attention too.

The book explores themes that are powerful in a powerful way. I think you did it a lot of justice. I like the subtlety and grace with which your MC handles her problems. She is sympathetic and easy to root for.

Overall it was an enjoyable read. Thank you for asking me to review this wonderful book. I hope you found my review helpful.

I wish the very best with your writing ♥️.