Username: SuVida777

Book title: Komoreby

Genre: YA, Sci-fi

Focus: General feedback.

THE COVER:

Your cover captured me instantly. I love the original art. The colour palette chosen is beautiful and wonderfully fits in with the genre. It's got clean lines with a nice spatial balance. I like the font chosen and the colour contrast is really good. 

Overall, it's a solid, well made and well thought out cover that is pleasant to look at. 

THE BLURB:

The blurb does a good job at enticing the reader. You give enough backstory to pique our interest but not so much that it bogs us down. The premise is set up beautifully and the length works great. The hook line works too. 

Pointers:

1. Referring to your protagonist in the first paragraph but only introducing her in the second. 

A line in the first paragraph goes:

"...reality—everything her quiet old town was not."

But only in the 2nd paragraph do we get to see who you are talking about. This left me a bit confused when I first read the blurb and I felt as if I was left out of the loop. 

Since blurbs are the very first interaction point for potential readers it's a good idea to keep it crystal clear as to what you mean and who you are talking about. 

This problem has a simple fix. Instead of referring to the MC as 'her' you can change the line to:

""...reality—everything Evanna Zeller's quiet old town was not."

2. Convoluted sentence. 

While there is no hard and fast rule against using complex sentence structure in the blurb, it is generally inadvisable to do so. This is because, like I said, this is the first interaction point for potential readers. So you need to make sure that the blurb is as concise and clear cut as possible while still being engaging and intriguing. 

Using overlong sentences with convoluted structuring defeats that purpose. It is generally a hindrance to readers but even more so when it comes to blurbs because blurbs have to convince them to click on the book to find out more.  

In the second paragraph a sentence goes:

"A mean prank...bizarre turns." 

This sentence has two commas, three em dashes and an ellipsis to link it together. And I don't really think it needs to be quite so long to get your point across. 

What I would suggest is a break after 'worse' with a full stop instead of an ellipsis and then start the next sentence with: "That is until a school tour..." 

THE PLOT:

Premise and Pacing:

You have a solid premise, you set it up well and you deliver. It's a beautifully balanced blend of YA and scifi just as promised. We get a healthy dose of teen drama as well as intriguing sci-fi twists. 

The pacing was neither rushed nor dragged out. It was just right. The first two chapters set up the plot, the third marks the beginning of something weird but the fourth and fifth dive head into the central plot and that was a great way to suck the readers right in. 

I didn't find any scope for improvement in either the premise or pacing, I think you nailed them. Great job ♥️

Originality:

The central core of your plot has elements which are quite common. Since this is a YA sci-fi blend we have familiar tropes from the genres. 

With YA:

1. We have the nerd that hates parties and loves to read. 

2. The mean popular girl with brainless minions who pull a terrible prank on the MC. 

3. The childhood best friend that abandons the MC for fame and shallow friendships. 

4. We even have the first-day-of-school opening chapter that begins with the MC waking up from a bad dream. 

With Sci-fi: 

1. We have the mysterious evil scientists who are up to something shady with a particle collider.   

2. Alternate reality where supporting characters perceive the MC in a different way. 

But still, I like what you have done with the tropes. I'll be honest, when I read the first two chapters I wasn't drawn to the story. It had pretty predictable scenes with what felt like one dimensional characters. But then the plot kicked into overdrive in the third chapter and that's when I got into the story. By the time I read the fifth chapter, I was halfway through it before I realised I was supposed to be taking notes. That's how much I was invested in the plot and what was going on. 

I like the freaky friday-esque progression. I'm not sure how much Alicina and Evanna changed after the incident but there does seem to be some indication of 'switching' going on? Evanna seems popular now and Alcinia is a nobody in this alternate dimension. 

Overall, in terms of originality I think you have done well for yourself in the sense that you managed to capture my attention and I do plan to follow the story to the end. But do I wish some of the tropes had been left out or spiced up a bit? Yes. 

My suggestion:

I do realise this is not all and that I'm just five chapters in. I'm sure characters undergo change and growth. And the caliber of your writing suggests that you have a clear plan and an end in sight. 

But what I wish for is just a little more dimension and a little more depth. Even in the initial chapters let us know that there is more to it than what meets the eye. Let us know that the beautiful girl is not mean because she is beautiful and the world is at her feet. That the nerd doesn't hate pink just cause it's girly and it's cool to like black. That the mean girl's lackeys aren't just brainless bimbos that follow her every command. 

You wouldn't have to change a lot. Instead of having all of the tropes maybe remove some or switch up our expectations. 

Maybe you have written the characters are who they are because of a reason, and I realise that too. Maybe we get the depth and dimension I want, in later chapters. But all I'm saying is, the initial chapters are extremely important since that is what forms the foundation. So maybe just keep this point in mind for the edits? 

World building:

I really like the world you have set up for us. Komoreby feels as real as it possibly can. The school is  extremely well described. And it was a genius move to include parts like 'The hive'. Parts like these show me how brilliant you truly are and how much care has gone into breathing life into your story. Top-notch world building. Great job ♥️

THE WRITING (TECHNICAL ASPECTS):

Your writing is technically very strong. When writers pay attention to every single comma, semicolon, and full stop, it's pretty clear how much they care about their work. Your writing was a joy to read without bad grammar getting in the way. Truly awesome job with this ♥️

THE WRITING (CREATIVE ASPECTS):

Your prose is quite polished and for the most part, it's such a joy to read. A lot of things in your writing just worked perfectly. I'm highlighting my favorites here, but please know there were a lot more.

1. I like your use of similes and metaphors.

Most often they are really powerful and work well to convey what you are trying to say. 

Like this line for example:

"It always evaded her upon awakening, the details fading like notes of dust scattering into invisibility once disturbed."

What an amazing way to tie in to Evanna holding on her half remembered dream. Really drove it in and I loved reading it.

2. I like how you subvert our expectations.

A big part of impactful writing is subverting expectations. Not every scene has to be massive and epic to leave a mark. Even simple throw away sentences meant as comic relief can do the job. 

There is a line that goes:

"That's when she got sight of the little jar he was stroking on his lap like he was expecting a genie to emerge from it—a jar contained a small dead mouse submerged in formalin."

This is a random scene with no real importance but it stuck with me because it was so unexpected that it amused me so much. Especially with the context where she mentions she's not a weirdo with a mouse in a jar. These little moments truly captured me. 

3. Your humor. 

I like how you employ humor to break the tension. Though things are rather bleak in most situations, the humorous thread running subtly through the narration makes the reading experience that much more rich. Great job with that ♥️

Pointers:

There were some things that I felt could be improved upon. I'll list them down below:

1. Excessive use of inner monologues.

This is the first and major hiccup that I faced while reading your prose. Anything impactful is usually followed by an inner monologue that spells out how Evanna is feeling that very second and that just undercuts the initial impact. So many potentially powerful instances suffer as a result. 

Take chapter 2 for example. You had 30 instances where you directly cut to Evanna's inner monologue. Out of these 30, only three of those conveyed either new information/insight or had a purpose. 

-First one is Evanna looking at Sarah's dress and thinking about how she'd never be able to wear it. This works because we see that Evanna might have some latent body image issues.  

-Second is when Alicina shows up and Evanna thinks it's a Queen's court with a jester missing. That line gave me a chilling and I thought that was clever foreshadowing.

-Third is when she thinks meat alternatives are getting popular because again, we gain new insight in the sense that Evanna is maybe not that particularly experienced with those. 

All the other instances either are useless in the sense that they give us no new insight or they are downright harmful where in it tips the balance to telling rather than showing. 

For example, the instance where it cuts to Evanna is thinking 'Nookie's got a crush.' That undercut the moment because you have already shown us beautifully through body language and expressions that Nookie likes the guy. When you spell it out too, it just makes it a bit pointless and takes away the punch. 

That's the main issue with this because you have taken a lot of pain to make sure that your descriptions are lively and immersive. I would hate to see that effort go to waste.

My suggestion:

Use inner monologues effectively, subtly and with purpose. Every time you use one, please remember that you are taking the reader out of the story to tell them what is going on and what the character is thinking at the moment. Readers inherently don't prefer to be told anything. They much rather figure things out themselves. 

But all writing needs a balance between telling and showing. It's impossible to purely do it through showing alone. 

So to achieve that balance, my advice would be to be more judicious with the use of inner monologues and make sure you only include it in places where it is absolutely necessary and achieves a specific purpose. Because if you really start to dissect it, you'll see that in 9 cases out of 10, they serve no real purpose at all. 

2. Over long sentences and over use of em dashes. 

Em dashes spices things up, I agree. But it is way more obtrusive than a comma. With your writing, you tend to use em dashes when a comma would have done the job better. Em dashes are used when you want to place emphasis on a particular aside. Overusing would cause the readers to flounder not knowing which is important and which is not. They wouldn't know where the stresses in the prose go. For a smoother reading experience, I would suggest a lighter hand.

Coming to my next point, overlong sentences also hinder the flow of the prose. 

Take this sentence for example:

"With a quick nod, Evanna made a show of stuffing a few stray strands of hair into her ponytail—a cascading red mane she had inherited from her dad's side, which was in contrast to the unassuming short brown hair that Mary and Janet possessed."

This sentence is over 40 words long. While this in itself is pretty harmless and commonplace, in conjunction with your general writing pattern brings down the readability. Sentences are usually around twenty words long. We alter the length to achieve particular effects. The problem with consistent use of overlong sentences is that it hurts natural flow and makes the reading experience a bit stilted. 

My suggestion:

Edit.

Whatever I have pointed out, all of these are just inherent pitfalls of a first draft, since no writing is perfect straight away. But thankfully, that's what editing is for. 

If you were eagle eyed enough to spot every comma that was out of place and managed to have perfect grammar, then you are more than capable of trimming the fat and polish your writing. 

You are going to ace this, good luck ♥️

CHARACTERS:

I already touched on the characters in the originality section. I think what you have right now is a solid foundation. The outline is good, you just need to flesh them out a bit. What I liked about Evanna the most is her voice. You have captured a strong individualistic voice and that's the best part. Great job with that ♥️

FINAL THOUGHTS:

If there's one final suggestion that I want to leave you with, it's that, trust your readers more. Trust us to relate to your characters even if you don't explicitly tell us their feelings. Trust us to pick up on your nuanced writing enough to appreciate the thought that goes behind it. 

Because having read so far, it's very apparent. The love and care that you put into your work shines through your words. And as a lifelong reader, there's nothing I love more than when a writer is passionate about their writing. It makes me passionate about their work too. 

Great job with the book and I'm extremely intrigued by Evanna's story. Thank you for asking me to review your book. I hope you found this helpful. 

I wish you the very best with your writing ♥️