R/N: I wish you all the luck for Watty shorts, love. I've tried my best to highlight the important points. This will not be as long as my usual reviews, it's more like bullet points, but I have touched upon everything of importance. Hope this helps you. Let me know if there's any clarification that you'd like. And do reach out if you need further help. I'm sure it'll go great! I wish you the very best ♥️

Title: Bridge to the future

Author: MusicalKehleigh

Genre: Science fiction - Punk fiction

Focus: Writing style, characterisations

BOOK COVER:

I'm not a graphic designer so let me talk about this from the point of view of a reader that accidentally comes across your book.

The cover is fine but I feel it needs some work. The problem is that it's a bit too generic in the sense that there are no elements from the story on it. The font choice for the title is fine but it isn't something that I'd associate with sci-fi. As for the font choice of the author's name, I feel it takes away a bit of professionalism. Because I feel, curly loopy fonts don't really gel with the genre.

BLURB:

I like the blurb. It caught my attention right away. I like the structuring, the pacing, the breaks, I think it was all executed well.

The problem is that, the impression that the blurb left me with, and the actual meat of the story itself are two different things. From the blurb, I assumed that the story is about Myrae. And it is to an extent, but she is more of a prop than an MC. I will talk about this more in later subheadings but the bottom line is, while the blurb itself is constructed well, I feel it doesn't showcase the actual story properly.

STORY ARC:

Since this is a short story, let me talk about the story arc instead of the plot. I find that this is more fitting.

Let me tell you what worked and what didn't work for me with regards to the story arc.

What worked:

1. The premise: It was unique, something exciting and promising. I liked it a lot.

2. The mystery surrounding why Myrae was losing her memory. That whole thing was superbly executed. I had a lot of theories as to why it could be happening, and that's exactly what you want. For the reader to be on their toes wondering what the explanation is. Great job with that.

3. The whole thing with the police officers noticing their eye movements for truth and lie. That was some nice detail thrown in.

4. The title. I didn't realise the significance right away, but when it clicked, it was a nice touch. I liked it a lot actually.

What could use improvement:

1. The main problem, in my opinion, is that your story struggles under too many plot points that don't get a chance to be properly explored. Her parents using Myrae to see the future and organise heists is a cool concept. But when you throw in a time stopping watch, cameras seeing into the brain, silent explosives, genetic engineering etc, it feels like a lot of buzz words that don't really get explored. Because you don't actually explain any of the things that you mention. It's all very vague.

2. The story comes across as under researched because you don't explain any of the concepts you introduce.

My suggestion:

When you bring in elements that isn't common in the existing world, and you are inventing them to be in your story's universe, it's improtant to take the time to explain them. If you say Myrae is genetically modified, tell us (or at least hint at) what genes were modified or give us something about the whole process. You say she is a designer baby and leave it at that. When you don't explain how the time stopping watch or a silent explosive or a camera that can see into the brain works, the story comes across as under researched.

So to fix the two problems, I'm going to suggest something radical. It's totally up to you of course, but I do think it could help.

I say, cut out the whole time stopping watch, camera that sees into the brain and silent explosive stuff and just stick to Myrae and what her role in the whole thing is. Because parents using their designer baby to see the future and pull off heists packs enough punch on its own. You don't need a time stopping watch and all the other stuff.

Or if you want to keep them, then do some research as to how these things could work and use appropriate scientific terms. It really does transform the story. I'm not saying you have to include a lot of science mumbo jumbo but a little to show that you have done your research would help, rather than just calling it a camera that sees into the brain, you know?

Bottom line: Research helps. 

PLOT HOLES:

I won't call them plot holes, but two small details stuck out to me and I though I'd mention it.

1. When the police see the footage, the robbers are wearing ski masks. But they are still recognised as the Clemens. How do they recognise them?

2. How does Myrae get back snippets of her memories in the end? I find it a bit under explained.

WRITING STYLE:

I know you asked me to focus on this, but I didn't really come across any problems with this. Your grammar and technicalities are stellar. I like the dialogues, the sentence structure, the formatting, everything. Nothing to fix in this department. It's all really, really good. Great job with this love.

CHARACTERISATION:

This is where I'm going to talk about Myrae's whole deal. I know you mentioned that she's passive. And I agree. She is passive in the whole thing. Myrae is not so much a protagonist as a plot device. She just exists to move the plot along. The story is not about her. So when the blurb gives the impression that it's about her, it threw me off.

The story starts with Myrae's pov and ends with it too. But she isn't a part of the main action at all. She doesn't do anything, stuff just happens to her. A passive protagonist is a major no no. The MC has to take action through their own agency to move the story forward. 

My suggestion:

There are two ways to fix this. Either change the narrative so that Myrae isn't featured as the MC or make her active.

So, how to make her active? Well, that's upto you, but let me give some suggestions to get the ideas flowing.

1. She doesn't recognise her friend, so that could cause a lot of emotional impact that causes her to once and for all decide to stand up to her parents. She could use this emotional stimulant to finally find out what they are doing to her. She could investigate the lab in her own and discover the footage.

2. She could be the one to call the police on her parents.

3. She could break out of her trance when they are trying to see the future and demand what's going on. And then go the police.

4. She could refuse to participate in her parent's proceedings and expose them.

5. If you want to go the other way, and make her an antagonist, that could work too. She could break her parent's out of the prison using her future seeing ability and they could form a crime trio.

These are just suggestions that may or may not work. But the bottom line is, make your MC active.

OVERALL THOUGHTS:

The concept is really cool and unique. It's got a lot of promise. With a little bit of tweaking, this could be a banger. I wish you all the very best for your submission love. I'm sure it'll go great ♥️

Let me know if you found the review helpful and if you need any other assistance. ♥️