Username: teen_rogue

Book title: Mr. Billionaire

Genre: Mystery

Status: Ongoing

BOOK COVER:

I like the cover and I think the usage of red is inspired. It definitely stands out. Points to improve would be the the typography. The title should draw the focus of the eyes and that doesn't happen with your book. It's almost like the title is an after thought, an additional detail that you are providing. I definitely think improving the size placement and font could work.

As for the title, it's pretty cliché. There are hundreds of books on wattpad with the word 'Billionaire' in them. I really think you should consider changing that.

BLURB:

The length of the blurb is on the shorter side. I would definitely suggest adding a bit more details. 100 - 200 words would be the sweet spot. But maybe as the book expands you will get more ideas.

What I really like is the suspense and intrigue that it creates. I think it really draws the reader in. You've structured it beautifully. Great job!

PLOT:

In this section I'll cover aspects such as, premise, pacing, originality, plot holes etc.

Premise:

Your premise is solid. It really works. I think the clash of two high achieving type A personalities is A+. There are so many directions this could go in and so much potential to introduce drama and tension. And I also love the clarity. Great job with the premise!

Pacing:

I didn't find problems with pacing till the fifth chapter. I thought it was progressing beautifully. But the shift in the 5th chapter was too much and too sudden.

What I'm talking about is, we just found out that Morelli watches her in the court room. Which by itself is a pretty major plot point on its own. Then we have the thing about embezzlement. And then the chapter ends by saying that his father was arrested for murder.

These are a lot of information to introduce within such less space. It breaks up the flow too, but I'll talk about that more in deatil later.

As for now, with regards to pacing, I think three plot points revealed with such rapid progression is detrimental to the pacing of the plot. I think you should spread them out a little and spend a little more time on each.

Originality:

I think it's pretty original. I wouldn't call the plot cliché. Great job!

Plot holes:

I wouldn't call this a plot hole, rather I would say it's a little thin on the research.

I'm talking about the embezzlement. The whole board meeting scene needs a bit more research. First off I don't think they would call it 'Financial statistics.'

Maybe you could call it 'profit from the last quarter' or something. (This is just a suggestion. I haven't done research on this but I recommend that you do)

Next, thirty percent is a huge fraction that we are taking about. Especially when talking in terms of billions. It just doesn't make sense somebody could embezzle thirty percent for three months without anybody realising what's happening.

My suggestion:

I think a bit more research needs to be done with regards to how much percentage of embezzlement is on the beliveable scale. I suggest looking up news articles covering actual scams and embezzlement that have happened to billion dollar companies. I think those could really help with how you word these things.

Research is a boring aspect of writing, I totally get it. But if you were to do it, it just makes the story that much more richer and well crafted. It tells your readers that you care enough about it to spend time learning these things. Trust me, readers can really tell when the author knows what they are talking about, and they would appreciate you for it even more. I hope you will consider this.

WRITING STYLE: (CREATIVE)

In this section, I'll talk about Descriptions, dialogues, flow, prose, etc.

Descriptions:

I think your descriptions were really beautifully executed. I connected with them. I could totally picture what was being described. I would just say add a bit more physical descriptions, but apart format hat you don't really have all that much to improve in this aspect. Kudos!

Dialogue:

One of the first things that really struck me about your writing were that your dialogues were well crafted. My favourite was the courtroom scene where Cynthia is interrogating the witness. I could clearly see what was happening and the dialogues were phenomenonal in this part. Over all, I think they were great!

Flow:

This aspect is the one that I think you need to concentrate the most. Like I pointed out earlier in the pacing section, introducing too many plot points in rapid progression really breaks up the flow.

One more part that broke up the flow of the narrative was the scene break inserted after 'How to get away with murder' in chapter 4. It came out of the blue and the rapid shift to the introduction of Lanchester was a bit jarring.

But apart from these, there were awkwardly phrased sentences which were like minor speed bumps while reading the prose. I'll give examples of some of them, down below. I'm sure you'll be able to spot the rest on your own.

Example 1:

Because my foster parents were wrongfully convicted for home invasion and died two weeks after being convicted made me what I am today. (Chapter 3)

Problem:

1. When you start a sentence with 'because' it would mean you are going to follow up with a reason that something happened. In this sentence you haven't made it clear why she is using 'because.'

2. The word convicted that's used so close together breaks up the flow.

Let me suggest an edit, "My foster parents were wrongfully convicted for home invasion and they died two weeks later. That made me what I am today."

Example 2:

There are times, evidence has been doctored and innocent people are convicted.

Problem:

Awkward phrasing.

Suggested edit:

There have been times where evidence has been doctored and as a result, innocent people get convicted. (Chapter 3)

Example 3:

She was just as good as The New York Times said she was and she still is.

Problem:

Convoluted sentence.

Suggested edit:

She is just as good as The New York Times said she was. (Chapter 4)

Example 4:

Investigated privately by a private investigator. (Chapter 5)

Problem:

1. Unnecessary words. Private investigations are automatically private.

2. Use of the word investigated and investigator in such close proximity is avoidable.

Suggested edit:

A private investigator will be brought in to look into this.

Example 5:

The repeated usage of the word 'Acrimonious' in Chapter 4

Problem:

It's good to use uncommon words like acrimonious, it really shows off your vocabulary. But the thing is, they really stand out. So when you use them in close proximity to one another, it just breaks up the flow of the narrative.

Suggestion:

Remove 'acrimonious' from one of the places and substitute it with something else.

My suggestion to improve flow:

Flow is an impossible thing to get right, straight away from the first draft. I totally understand the problem. This isn't something that you need to worry about right now, but I have pointed these out to help you during the edits. This is just to say, 'Keep this in mind.'

So generally, to improve flow, avoid rushed pacing. Avoid introducing too many scene breaks. Go through the manuscript and read it out loud. If it trips you up anywhere, then it's a sure fire indicator is stilted flow. Hope this helps!

Prose:

Your prose is fine, but I did feel a that you were a bit heavy handed with the expositions. The places would be where you tell us Cynthia's back story or the place where you explain how Morelli knows about Cynthia. I just feel there could be a smoother way to do this. Maybe including more dialogues and descriptions would be key, as well as breaking up the information and sprinkling it throughout the chapters rather than giving it to us in one go.

WRITING STYLE: (TECHNICAL)

It was solid for most parts. I think paying a bit more attention to your comma placements would be good. Otherwise I didn't find any issues with tense, grammar etc. Kudos!

CHARACTERS:

Morelli:

As of now, having read five chapters, his characterisation is pretty clichè. He is a typical billionaire. However, I think he has the potential to grow into the character a bit more as the story progresses.

Cynthia:

She is my favorite. She is hard as nails and comes from a difficult background. She certainly stole the show for me. Great job with her portrayal! I really enjoyed reading her POV.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

To be brutally honest, after reading the title, I kinda pigeon holed your book as just another clichè billionaire romance. But you pleasantly surprised me. I didn't feel bored or frustrated even for a second. Rather I thoroughly enjoyed the book. Whatever I pointed out, the mistakes are mainly there because this is a first draft. These are the inherent pitfalls that come with it. It takes nothing away from your writing as such. This was a very interesting read and I had a great time reviewing it. Great job! I really hope this review helped and I wish you all the very best on your writing journey!