Book Title: Epoch in Time

Author: zhinched

Genre: Romance/Fantasy

Chapters Reviewed: 6 (Express Review)

Reviewer: @MidnightKoala

Note: I will try and be as constructive and as polite as possible regarding areas that I think can be improved but still remain honest. It is not my intention to be harsh or rude but if any of my comments come across that way, I do apologise sincerely. I am not always right and sometimes my opinions may be different to yours so please do tell me if you don't agree with something I've said or want to discuss further - I am more than happy to. I hope the review is helpful! ❤️

TITLE/COVER/BLURB:

Your title is quite unique - it is definitely intriguing and catchy. It's also a nice length - not too short that it loses its purpose but not too long either which would sound clumsy to read. Overall, a nice choice. Just one small thing - grammatically, it should be 'Epoch in Time' where the word 'in' has a small i.

Your cover is also very interesting - I like the placement of the people and the background and the way you've written your title is very attractive. The clock at the back gives it a nice effect too. It's professionally done and definitely catches my eye. Nice work.

The first line of your blurb doesn't particularly make me want to read more. You have written 'as cliché as it sounds' but it doesn't change the fact that the first line is still cliché.

The next part is much better: Not only did he accidentally call someone who had disappeared from the world three years ago, but he was also able to meet her by going back to the past. This line is much more intriguing and grabs my attention as a reader. I would suggest having this as your first part but, of course, changing the wording slightly so it makes more sense.

E.g. Nicco Thompson never really expected an extraordinary life. But when he accidentally called someone who had disappeared from the world three years ago, and was also able to meet her by going back to the past, his life couldn't be further from ordinary.

This is just a suggestion and you don't have to use it if you have another idea in mind. 😄

P.S. Nicco is a great name - I love how unique it sounds yet it's still a variation of the more common name Nico. I'm kind of a fan of creative names. Great choice! 😉

The next questions you ask feel a little generic and vague to me. With a plan set on his mind, will he be able to reach the stars and succeed? Or will the plan just find its way downhill? Maybe you could hint at what his plan might be (at this point I haven't started your story yet so this might not work - you know best as the author 😊) or perhaps you could ask slightly more specific questions that would hook the reader in more. It just doesn't feel personal enough to your character and story.

I definitely like the next part when you talk about calling someone from the past being horrid for most people. But I feel like the last line 'It's all about family and relationships' isn't as strong as it could be. The last line of a blurb should ideally leave your reader in suspense and force them to open your book. Perhaps try using a rhetorical question or a more powerful statement such as:

But in his story? Family means everything. (Again, I'm not sure if that would work as I haven't started reading your story yet but it's an idea of what kind of ending would sound more gripping.)

OPENING:

I always like seeing images of characters but personally, I prefer them at the end of a story just so I can imagine what they'd look like in my head by your writing and descriptions rather than through the pictures. A little old school, I know, but there's nothing wrong with the way you've done it - that's just my personal preference. 😄

An opening to a story (i.e. the first sentence/paragraph/chapter) should be powerful and intriguing so the reader continues to, well, read. Your first sentence/paragraph isn't particularly unique but it's not too bad. I'm not immediately hooked by it but mildly intrigued, mostly due to your blurb.

I think the pacing in the first chapter is a little fast (but that might be alright if you're aiming for a shorter story or novella length story). We've had a brief introduction to the main character, the friend Jamie and the family members. If you're planning on a longer story, a longer introduction might be more suitable so we get to know the characters better and build some sort of background/foundation to their lives before the plot begins to progress. I don't really feel much of a connection to Nicco or the characters at this point.

But saying that, I definitely love the last line of your first chapter. It's an amazing way to end the chapter and builds so much mystery and suspense and now I'm desperate to read on! Well done! 👏

TECHNICAL ACCURACY:

In terms of technical accuracy, I do acknowledge that you said this is your first draft so it won't be perfect. I'll point out things that I spotted anyway and hopefully you can fix these during edits later on.

The first thing I noticed immediately were your tenses. They shift from past to present quite a bit.

An example from your first paragraph:

Jamie practically screams (present)

Her voice passed (past)

This change in tense is actually done quite frequently throughout the 6 chapters that I read but I am guessing the story is meant to be in past tense since that is the one used more often. Just ensure you keep the tense consistent in future and keep an eye out for this during editing.

Your spelling is flawless - I haven't found any spelling mistakes at all. However, grammar, punctuation and sentence structures can be a little awkward at times.

Example:

Regardless of our non-existing bonding, I do know that he has a, what I think, is a magic book that looks really old. And when I say old, it looks really really old.

Your commas are misplaced here - when placing commas as parenthesis, the sentence should still make sense without the part between the commas. I.e. 'what I think' is the part between the commas used for parenthesis and removing this, you get 'I do know that he has a is a magic book' which, of course, doesn't make sense. (Notice the parenthesis I used here.)

You also need a comma between the two 'really's'. And instead of 'it looks' for the last line, I would suggest using 'I mean' instead, just for a nicer sounding sentence.

This might sound better:

Regardless of our non-existing bonding, I do know that he has, what I think is, a magic book that looks really old. And when I say old, I mean really, really old.

Another example:

I knocked on Ethan's door, signaling him that it's time to eat before I passed by it and went down.

'Signaling him' sounds a little off. I also think 'before I passed by it' could be placed earlier on in the sentence to make it flow smoother. And 'it's time to eat' is, again, in present tense.

This line might sound better:

I knocked on Ethan's door before I passed by it, signaling to him that it was time to eat, and then I went down.

These are just a few examples from the first chapter but there are many more - I think after a thorough edit, you can fix these. If you want me to go through in detail and comment on each instance where your grammar, punctuation or sentence structures can be improved (for the first few chapters, at least) do let me know and I can do that for you. Although, I can't promise I'll be able to do that immediately - maybe in a few weeks or whenever I have time to spare. Do also consider going to an official editor if that would be easier for you - there are many good ones you can find on Wattpad, they're not too hard to find but I can point you in the right direction if that's what you want. 😊

WRITING STYLE:

You asked me to talk about writing style but I personally think it's quite a vague prompt and there isn't much to say about it on it's own (which is why I didn't write it in my page). I will cover your writing style in plot development and flow which will hopefully make my analysis more concise as you can see how your plot and flow relate to your writing style. I hope that's alright.

PLOT DEVELOPMENT AND FLOW:

I've only read 6 chapters but so far, I can say for sure that plot development is your greatest strength. Apart from the first chapter being quite fast paced as aforementioned, I am in awe at how your plot progresses, from the mysterious clues thrown in at the perfect time to the interesting developments that occur in the characters' lives. The pacing after the first chapter is actually at a much better level.

I love how confusing everything is (in a good way!) like the strange electric shock Nicco got from the phone and how he randomly appeared in the freezer. These are great, intriguing pieces to the larger puzzle which I'm sure is (or will be) revealed later on. It absolutely grabs my attention and makes me want to continue reading - great job! 👏

Your ideas are very creative and I love how you weave the pieces of your plot together - it really works and flows really well! Everything seems to make sense but nothing seems to make sense all at the same time - it's truly a great effect you've created! The subtle humour (Brit alert haha) is also really good and I love the little jokes you slip in throughout that give me a good chuckle.

In terms of description, your descriptive qualities are decent but I believe you have the potential to make it better. Your wordings are sometimes quite simple and basic and could be enhanced to create a greater effect. For example - this part at the start of chapter 5:

It was still chilly. But unlike before, the temperature was icy-cold. It's as cold as the temperature you feel when it's winter.

Firstly, note that 'it's as cold' is in present tense. Another thing I want to mention here is show, not tell. It would have a much better effect if you showed the reader how cold it was through your description rather than simply stating it.

For example: It was still chilly, but unlike before, now I was shivering uncontrollably, the hairs on my skin standing up on end as the intense iciness wrapped me up in its frigid embrace. My teeth were chattering violently as I gasped out puffs of foggy air, my body struggling to become accustomed to the drastic change.

I hope you can see the difference between telling and showing and how powerful your writing could be if you worked on your descriptions and improved them. I guess this is what it means by writing style - your style is good and definitely tells the reader what we need to know in a concise manner. But it could be even better.

Feel free to use the above sentences if you want or, of course, you can come up with your own descriptions. 😊

CHARACTERS:

Nicco is a very likable character. I think you did rush with his character development a little at the start and you could've spent longer describing him and showing us his personality through his actions etc. so the reader can understand him better. But after the first chapter, I am seeing a good, steady development of his character from his concern about his father's possible secret relationship to his conflicted emotions with what to do about the note and how he makes rash decisions like jumping on Laura's motorcycle. It's great to see how you've portrayed an interesting and well rounded character who the reader can connect with.

The other characters are also developed really well. Ethan is intriguing and mysterious, Jamie - the loyal best friend and Laura is shown as an interesting and fun person whilst also being presented as incredibly peculiar to Nicco because of her strange 1980's habits and style. I love the characters' relationships with each other and how they change and grow. Despite only having read 6 chapters, I can already feel that the character development is only going to become better as the book continues.

OVERALL ENJOYMENT:

Overall, I believe I've read a great start to a story. You're very imaginative and I love the ideas that are shining through in your writing. There are definitely areas to improve but I believe that if you spend a bit of time working on your descriptions and pacing, fix some technical errors and improve the blurb, you have a very promising story here. I thoroughly enjoyed experiencing the characters emotions and going on this journey with them, though it was short-lived. You have a lot of potential in you but you need to focus on certain aspects of your writing and bump it up to the same level as your impeccable plot development and characters because those are definitely your strengths and where you excel the most.

P.S. I do agree that Oggy and the Cockroaches is better than Tom and Jerry *dramatic gasp from all the Tom and Jerry fans out there* but they're both great shows and formed the pinnacle of my childhood! 😉

I hope this review has been useful - let me know if there's any part of this review you don't quite understand or don't agree with and I am more than happy to have a further discussion. Also, don't hesitate to PM me if you ever need any more advice or support, whether it be in the next few weeks or the next few years - I'm always available to help!

Good luck for your writing journey and I wish you all the very best! ❤️