Philophobia

UNBROKENSMILE

Book Cover

I love the colours and the aesthetic that you choose for your books. It glows with relatability. Relatability in the sense that it shows the regular day-to-day life within the image. I love the attention to detail in the irony of displaying men holding hands whilst the book title screams Philophobia. Great execution! (I know the lovely @jasz made it lmao)

My only concern would be the positioning of the words, "Black ties, glass souls and-" I believe it would translate better if this was placed above the word Philophobia to create a better flow of thought and reading. I also suggest a small space between the word and the laptop (this is just my ocd kicking in).

I also really appreciate the usage of your own name. It definitely adds to the professionalism of the book like I always say. I definitely think this is a cover that I would pick up in a store.

My first impression from the book cover gives me the impression that this is a story with two male protagonists that aim to live their wondrously normal lives and end up in the solace of each other. The colours chosen in this cover showcase the emotion of calm, peaceful and normality. Therefore, I would be expecting this to be portrayed in their personalities. The delicacy of their personalities and the theme also portrays hints of an adult book aimed at talking about serious issues and the journey of life. It definitely was so appealing to me considering I'm getting to that phase of my life.

Blurb

The summary definitely gives the right amount of information perfectly. I know exactly who the characters are; Mark, Xiao and Mina. The atmosphere of the corporate world has been set and the previous hint towards adult maturity has definitely been translated into the blurb. It is such a satisfying group of informative writing that I love especially the mysterious intriguing tone left at the end. Amazing job!

I think there is a typo in the first sentence, one of the semicolons can be taken off. I also suggest (to keep the professionalism), "Book Two of Soulmate Series." on one line. Followed by, "Can be read as stand-alone." on the next line. I love the little flowers so definitely keep them, it beautifies and feeds into the romantic nature of the book.

The first sentence is a banger. I loved the introduction truly. My only concern was, ",that saved his life." It was a little out of place to understand how a horrific coma would save his life. I expect this momentary pause in time for him gave him an opportunity when he woke up, perhaps? But either way, it does leave me, as a reader, a little confused rather than intrigued. I suggest removing that statement OR breaking the sentence up to create a separate sentence in a new paragraph line that dictates, "A coma that saved his life." However, I do not understand the intention to be made here so I definitely suggest that you drop an inline comment so I can better aid you in this execution!

The next sentence is definitely the line that brings us into the world. I truly loved every word of it and the sentence structure. It adds the perfect theme and setting that brings me into your imagination, absolutely brilliant!

"Xiao Wei has no experience, no references, and is as shy as one can be."

My concern with this statement is the relationship between the informative characteristics that have been given out. Experience and references relate to the same field of interest whilst the quality of "shy" is a personality trait. A complete personal opinion (I can be wrong), I believe that it creates an involuntary pause with the beginning flow. I suggest, "Xiao Wei has no experience or references." And moving the shy personality trait to the next sentence or keeping that trait into the book.

Suggestion: "Acting on a dare set by Mina, his best friend, Wei applies for one of the open positions..."

I have just taken off the "When" in this sentence because there is a disruption in the sentence as you continue reading. Rather than starting the word with the conjunction form of "when", it is better read to begin with the verb "acting". I usually make these mistakes in my books too. When you add "his best friend" in commas, there is a tendency to lose sight of the flow in the sentence. Re-reading it definitely helps keep the initial intention in place!

Writing Style

The way you have introduced Mark into the world. It's such a great transition into this corporate world. I feel like I have stepped into the scene and that speaks to your voice as a strong writer.

The paragraph with "Mark chose -- jumping out of one." in Chapter One tends to come out a little wordy and run-on. I believe that the information that you have given is important, thus, it would be better to enhance the impact of it. The whole reason Mark stays in Beijing is because of his love for heights. I would suggest sentence structuring that cuts down the second sentence into separate ones. And introducing vocabulary to translate his love for working in a skyscraper and being an adrenaline junkie.

My suggestion, "He savoured moments working in the skyscraper as he could almost taste the boundless sky. His love for helicopters, planes and jumping out of them fueled his passion."

Of course this is based on my limited knowledge of your protagonist. I know with the skill I have seen in your writing that you will be able to achieve much better!

I love the introductory histories of the characters in the first chapter. It gives a backstory before we set into the story. However, when I first read it, I felt a little confused. The descriptions and narratives are greatly done, but I suggest you also add the relationships between these three men. To me, it seems like the introduction for three individuals who have no connection to each other. I understand that this may be the intention, but I suggest relating them in some context. Maybe through the relation of the company, or that this is how they would meet?

"- she has learned to read even the smallest of emotional changes that Mark didn't even know he had."

I believe if you can find a way during editing to concise the long sentences with bold vocabulary, your writing can really shine in its uniqueness. For example in the sentence highlighted above, maybe, "-their close-knit friendship allows for unspoken languages between them." Of course just another suggestion, I would love to see your own talent make these little sentences richer!

I noticed there are sometimes in your sentences, there are multiple intentions. By making sentences long and run-on, it takes away from the importance of the key elements that the readers must remember. For example, "He was a mysterious person with the darkest of pasts, but she accepted him wholeheartedly." In this sentence, your focus is Mark. You are stating:

i. Mark's personality trait - mysterious

Ii. Mark has a dark past - he likes being secretive

Iii. Haru accepts him for who he is.

I usually believe that having two related points can truly make a sentence. This is why I agree with the beginning portion of the sentence that talks about his two relating characteristics and his past. The next point talking about his friend seems out of place. You would want to stress the fact that their friendship has made it through the difficulties of his mystery. I would suggest making a new sentence that can highlight that point.

"And Oh Haru was not weak."

I love this comment. It definitely gives an in-depth personality analysis of Haru's character. However I think the word, "weak" would be wrong in this context. I suggest, "She did not take that lightly." I believe that it makes the situation flow together more and makes the scene more hilarious when Haru "skips" out of the office.

The descriptions in the second chapter were amazing and beautifully written. The second paragraph perfectly sets the scene and the atmosphere; the place became alive and I absolutely loved it! Whenever your characters are in motion, I absolutely adore the way you write the scenes. It is truly amazing and I think you should incorporate this talent more by converting the narrative parts into descriptions of your characters' lives. I believe that you have a spark there and I really think you should fully light it!

Technicalities

"Impressed-" Capital I - "Impressed"

However I suggest after the dialogue to state who said the first dialogue and then proceed to the emotion felt. Suggestion, "Noah stated shocked. Impressed was an understatement-"

"But she knew through the look in his eyes that there were certain things which gave him post traumatic stress disorder and never spoke about them."

I suggest; "She understood the look in his eyes. The factors that would fire up his post traumatic stress; the stories that he never spoke about."

""-are taking care of IT (comma) and Taylor and Ava-"

I have a serious compliment to give you for the usage of semicolons. That is a grammatical enigma that a lot of writers (me too lmao) take time to understand, great work!

""I'm thinking cream, or (no comma) eggshell-"

"-won't deny it (no comma) as she had-"

"-to the new office party that Haru insisted-"

I suggest cutting this sentence into separate ones. Maintain the relating points together. I would suggest cutting the first sentence off after "that Haru insisted on having by the end of the week." Fullstop. The next sentence begins with the new idea explaining his excitement over not seeing his friends for a long time.

"Looking at the clock on the wall... coloured couch he had just bought."

I definitely think you need to sentence structure this run-on paragraph. It will definitely read better!

"As for Jake and Caiden, his brother and brother-in-law-"

I got dumbfounded by this statement or is it a technical issue? Isn't Caiden, Mark's brother? By framing the sentence this way, you have mixed up the nouns. I believe that Caiden should be written first to suggest that he is the brother.

"-something about him (no comma) had-"

"-huffed sound sounded-" No need for the other sound, I'm sure this was just a typo.

Dialogue

"What a view. Wow!"

I think you can stop the dialogue after the first sentence. They both inflict the same emotion if the first sentence has an exclamation point in the beginning. Just a thought, but both ways, it's a great intro!

In cases of continuous dialogue, I suggest making the scene come to life to show the essences of the world created. An example of this would be in the Beginning - dinner scene. I love divulging myself into the story, and understanding their unique personalities. I would recommend a way to further describe and bring us (the readers) into the scene more. Firstly, the dialogue delivery can be altered. Sometimes starting with - she choked out, "(dialogue)" rather than "(dialogue)" she choked out. (example) This way you set the scene first and proceed to the speech. It allows for you to play with the timing of speech as well. Once you start a new paragraph with a dialogue, it sounds like the conversation is bouncing off the characters at a quicker pace. When you place the descriptive voice/detail first, it causes an involuntary pause to set the scene/ tone/ voice of the speaker. When you would require a great pause in between the speech of one person, it would be beneficial to describe, not only, their actions, but also, add more essence to the scene before continuing their speech. This will leave the audience craving for more character interaction and development rather than reading through dialogue itself.

I believe that you were able to let us into the depths of their relationships and interactions through the dialogue. The focal point of humour and closeness is readable and definitely translates. Great execution! I loved the particular dialogue, "Where's the gun, Lee?" and Mark's kinky remark to Jake's response (it's 18+ so I won't say what it is, just in case), I spit my coffee in laughter! I absolutely was able to adore your sense of humour and the way you perfectly translated it into your dialogues.

Storyline

The first chapter is a brilliant insight into the story and plot. I definitely loved the humour in the writing style that made Mark and Haru's friendship a beautiful addition to the main plot. The development and pacing was great, and I especially loved the ending with the introduction into Xiao!

I was a little taken aback when you were talking about Caiden and his relationship with his father. I think I understood that Caiden and Mark are siblings a little too late which is why I was getting confused especially when I read, "-only to not tell Caiden that Mark was actually alive-" I did not understand this statement. I think just a little refining in the character introductions can fix this up quick!

I think there are a lot of characters in the first chapter. I found it hard to understand each one and relate them to our protagonist's life. I have the same issue in one of my books, but I suggest easing the transition to these characters slowly through the book. Any character that does not need to be introduced in this scene can be left for further into the story. By using this tactic, the reader knows the main focus characters - their personalities, physique and thoughts, the introduction of other characters won't take away from our focus plot characters!

I think the pacing of your book has been quite good. I was able to understand Mark's background and his life, and then shortly, Xiao's contrasting life. You have made it very easy to adore the characters that you have created to the point where I love the dialogues and I'm so eager to hear more. Great character strength honestly!

I love the character developments in the book. I think you have amazing potential as a writer as long as these sentence structuring and technical errors can be resolved! I hope this review was not too harsh, I truly wanted to help you with this great book. Please continue to write with this strong writer's intention! Keep going, love!