Title: Sucrè

Author: fiarfn

Status: ongoing

Focus: Everything

Title and Cover (5/5)

I liked the title. It's simple and effective. Having it be the name of a café that your main characters frequently go to was a cute idea.

I adore the cover. It is also simple and effective. It is pleasing to the eye and you've chosen a warm colour palette that is calming and represents your story beautifully. I really like the structure of the cover it is unique and lovely. The fonts chosen are clear and work nicely.

Description (4/5)

I found a couple of grammatical errors in your description.

“Bouquet of sunflower” edit- “bouquet of sunflowers"

“There are a bunch of things Tara-Jane never imagine...” edit- “There are a bunch of things Tara-Jane never imagined...”

Nice amount of info, including excerpts of the story to showcase your writing style. This works well for an introduction to your book. I had a good idea of what was in store. That is what you need in a description.

Grammar (1/5)

Whilst reading I noticed quite a few grammatical issues. I pinpointed some whilst reading but I will also explain a few here.

Singular and plural nouns were mixed up a number of times. One example of this is the bouquet of sunflowers in chapter one. You establish them as a bouquet, but then call it just one sunflower later on in the chapter. I found this error in continuity a bit distracting.

A recurring issue is that you swap the tenses a lot through out the book. It's important to pick one tense and keep it the same throughout or it gets hard for the reader to get into the flow of your story.

“Suddenly, my phone in his hand is buzzing make me jolts of realization.” – This sentence was confusing to read, the meaning was unclear. A possible edit is - “Suddenly, my phone, in his hand, starts buzzing, which made me jump.”

There were a few sentences that had clumsy word orders.

“This is how my morning routine at school.” – This sentence seems to be unfinished. A possible edit for this sentence is - “This is how my morning routine at school went.”

“...you are the one who cravings for waffles.” – In this sentence you wrote a noun where you needed a verb. “Cravings" is a plural noun.  “Craves" is the verb.

“Keeping us remain unnoticed.” This sentence was confusing to read. Possible edits are - “Keeping us unnoticed.” Or “So that we remain unnoticed.

Despite these errors I did manage to follow your story just fine.

Writing Style (5/5)

Your writing style is consistent and enjoyable. 

I really liked the short paragraphs in italics, they are a lovely way to introduce each chapter. They give a nice insight into Tara-Jane's background and psyche.

I also really liked that you used bold text to separate texts and other kinds of messages. That really helped me keep on track when reading.

Starting the story in the future was a cool idea. Describing Tara-Jane’s preference of flowers was a clever way to show that she is different to the stereotypical girl within romance stories. A subtle and poetic way to explain this concept.

You are fabulous at describing the scene, I always knew and could picture where the story took place. I also liked how you described the characters’ physical traits. You are really good at drawing together the right details to build up a vivid picture.

Describing the sky to establish the time of day was really effective. I liked that this was a consistent feature within the narrative.

“A tangerine sunbeam tinges the dark sky.” – This was a beautiful way to describe the dawn. The use of the word “tangerine" has a nice and fresh feel to it, like a refreshing morning. 

Characterisation (3/5)

You have brought some wonderful ideas to your characterisation.

Tara-Jane is not like every other high school cheerleader. I like that she is a secret nerd and Jeremy is the male version of her. It is no wonder that their relationship clicked. People do tend to be drawn to like-minded others. I really appreciate that you didn't make your story too cliché by making them opposites – opposites do not always attract!

There are places here and there where Tara-Jane and Jeremy sound like much older characters. In some pieces of dialogue they tend to talk to each other like two business people exchanging pleasantries.

Jeremy and Tara-Jane's relationship is so innocent and nicely portrayed through cute antics and beautiful moments of closeness. 

Your side characters were really well portrayed. I believed each of their individual stories. Their dialogue was authentic and their attitudes were well expressed. You included teen social cliques - that every school has. This helped build up the scenes within the high school.

I really liked Julia. She was funny and energetic. She really complimented Tara-Jane's more reserved personality.

One thing I think that could improve your characterisation is if you developed certain ideas more. Jeremy has a reputation, making others not trust him, but the reader does not see that side of his character at all. He comes across as absolutely perfect all the time. You tell the reader that he has a dark secret past but it comes across as a throw away idea and I think it would be nice if you gave Jeremy more of an edge within his personality to show how his past may have affected him. Does he have angry moments? Does he get withdrawn? Adding scenes that expose character flaws are really important to raise intrigue as well as show realism and relatablity.

Plot (3/5)

Introducing the concept of the sunflowers was a poetic start. The fact that you revisit the sunflowers later on in the story makes the introduction even more fitting. A lovely mystery established in the beginning – who bought Tara-Jane the sunflowers?

Leading the story into Tara-Jane's past was intriguing, however, I think the transition from older Tara-Jane receiving her bouquet of sunflowers, to her high school days and her meeting Jeremy for the first time was written in quite a cheesy way. Breaking the fourth wall by saying in effect “let me tell you all about it” simplified your story. I think you could've made this part a little bit more organic.

Your first chapter has a lovely pace and there are a number of great scenes within your story that I really enjoyed reading. I loved the scene where they sneak into Jeremy's uncle's pool. That was beautifully written. I also really liked the scene where Jeremy opens up about his past relationship. 

However, there were a few parts of the story that moved quite slowly. It seemed like you included a lot of filler scenes and forgotten to develop the more dramatic scenes. It would be really cool if you included flashbacks about Jeremy to show the reader why other characters are so hesitant around him. Had he treated other girls horribly in the past? What really happened between him and his ex girlfriend? How did she die? If these things are going to be explored in later chapters that is brilliant. I just think it would benefit your story if you gradually included these sub plots more within earlier chapters. I believe that would encourage your reader to keep on scrolling.

Overall (21/30)

A story full of intriguing ideas. With beautiful descriptions and characters that are full of potential. I think some ideas do need more development and your grammar needs some work. I suggest you find someone to help you edit your story, there are plenty of editors out there that would be happy to help you. Keep on writing, this story has a lot of potential! 

Thank you for asking me to review your story. I hope you found my feedback helpful.