what is this i feel?
so deep, heart-wrenching and real
somebody help
i cannot handle it
the pain is much too real

M A D D I E ♛

I was sitting at the table with Hannah and Hazel who managed to get me out of bed for a meal. This was the first time I meeting them but I felt so comfortable and relaxed around them.

At first, I was on edges when they first visited me in my room but when we started speaking, all animosity flew out the window. As if we've always known each other.

One of the pack house's cook brought us food and as she left, she bowed her head towards me first and then the other two.

I still found weird, but I just shrugged it off. Chase had told me that the fact that he had already met his mate was already known to the pack and that I was going to officially be the Luna...

I was still unsure about that to be honest because my thoughts always went back to the group of rogues that I fostered.

I can't deny that Chase has managed to claim a little space in my heart, but my promise to those people held a greater place in my heart.

"Uwa! These are too many! We can't finish all this!" Hazel said, but her eyes were twinkling with excitement, making me chuckle a bit. It reminded me of Ashley whenever food was ready.

"It seems they are taking care of you quite well." Hannah smiled at me. She was so caring, so gentle with her words and actions, but I somehow knew that she was strong and she was good at hiding it. Even Hazel was.

I nodded at her with a smile. It was true, this pack has been kind to me, unlike what I always thought about packs.

Hazel started telling stories about visiting this pack when she was a child. I learned that she was childhood best friends with Chase and I couldn't help but feel a little bit... jealous?

Ah, I don't know.

Maybe I just envied her that she was able to know Chase since she was younger. I wonder how he was like? If it is Chase, he'd for sure be a handful. Maybe he pulled pranks on--

Wait, Maddie. Why are you even thinking of him?

He's not even here!

I noticed that I was already smiling as Hazel finished her story of when Chase fell on the river while they were racing and I quickly wipe it off my face.

Noticing that, Hannah laughed.

"It's okay, Maddie. There's nothing to be shy about, he is your mate after all." she says calmly. I look up to her, all flustered.

"Wh-what? What did I do?" I say, acting innocent.

It was Hazel's turn to laugh. "Ah, mates are a wonderful thing aren't they? But please do give a hard time to Chase." she says again.

"Like you do to Archer?" Hannah poked fun at Hazel. The other lady, in turn, gasped and pouted. That made me laugh.

"Let's change the topic please." Hazel says defensively, still with a pouting face, as she starts cutting the piece of meat that she put on her plate.

Hannah laughed out loud and I couldn't help but laugh softly.

But Hazel didn't stay mad for long, seeing me laugh, she had this sort of caring smile on her lips. "Yeah, laugh just like that Maddie. We're your friends, we'll always be here for you." she said suddenly, taking me off guard.

Friends...

♛

While we were eating, the three Alphas, Owen and Kasen came to join us. Each sat beside their respective mates besides Owen and Kasen who hadn't met their mate yet.

I understood why Hannah was poking fun at Hazel then. Everyone at the table could sense that there was some sort of bad blood between them, but even with that, I couldn't help but think that they still looked perfect with each other.

"Are you guys fighting?" Chase even asked the obvious for fun as he laughed. Hazel rolled her eyes at him and leaned closer to Archer and resting her head on his shoulder, who in turn looked surprised at her.

"No, we aren't right, honey?" she says forcibly and waited for Archer to answer, but the guy didn't and just stared at her. It must've made her uncomfortable because Hazel pulled away and started eating again.

I noticed that Archer still cared for his mate in little simple ways even though Hazel rejected it. Ian, on the other hand, treated his mate with the uttermost care. He almost did everything for her, getting her food, cutting her meat into tiny pieces so it's easy to chew it. Getting her water, all those sorts of stuffs. It was really adorable.

Chase tried to act the same way, but before he could do anything, I did them first. Before he could pour me a glass, I took the pitcher of water first. The other men at the table laughed, causing Chase to get slightly embarrassed making him look cuter nonetheless.

I only pursed my lips tightly whenever he gave me a pouting look. I ignored it.

"Ah, right. I received reports that there has been a lot of attacks at the east. I guess the Strays are trying to get to the fourth warrior before we can." Archer started.

Hazel slowly looked at him with an annoyed look, but then faked a smile towards her mate.

"Oh my, you are so hardworking, talking about this even in front of food. How about you take a little break?" her tone was sweet, but she was warning him.

Everyone laughed, but me and Archer. I didn't really know what to do. All this setup was strange and unfamiliar, I was still getting used to it, but it felt rather nice.

Being here around... friends.

We continued eating as we spake. After the meal, Owen sat up alert.

"Alpha, I just received news that Alpha Cassian is now here." he said.

There it was again, an unsettling feeling at the pit of my stomach at the mention of the Alpha's name. Hearing the name made me feel nostalgic and nervous at the same time.

Chase must've noticed it because he looked at me and sent me a questioning look, but then he turned to everyone on the table. "Well, shall we go greet him?" he said.

Everyone agreed and got up from the table and already went ahead outside.

I stayed seated for a bit, as I tried to shake the nervousness off of me. Chase was right beside me.

"Are you okay? Are you unwell? Should I ask Hannah to--" ah, there he was again.

"N-no. I'm fine, let's go. Wouldn't want someone important to keep waiting right?" I say and get up with the help of his extended hand.

He seemed relieved and shook his head. "Don't worry, Cassian's just Cassian."

Is he now?

Chase was asking me why I was rejecting his help when we were eating and annoying me to give him an answer, but I kept answering for no particular reason.

We arrived outside just in time for some cars pulling up the front of the pack house.

I've always wondered what it's like to ride a car, I've never ridden one before.

Chase and I lined up beside the other Alphas and Lunas as we wait people descending from the two cars.

I wasn't particularly expecting anything, but I just hated how I couldn't shake off the nervous feeling I had.

The colour of the skies caught my attention, it was a pretty blue with a few clouds hanging here and there. It was a sunny day, but not too hot. The breeze blew perfectly, cooling the heat.

And then I looked back to the man that just descended from the second car.

He had a stoic face, but as he saw everyone, he smiled. A smile that was awfully familiar.

My heart started beating faster. Unknowingly, I held onto Chase's arm as I stared at the newcomer. I could feel myself start shaking.

Red hair and familiar grey eyes. He was wearing jeans paired with a white shirt. He was tall and was a handsome guy and when our eyes met, even he stopped from walking towards us and stared at me for a long while.

I swallowed hard.

I could hear the haunting lullaby playing in my head. A flashback of the woman carrying a baby and a man and a child approaching her appeared in my head again.

At this point, I was breathing heavily.

I couldn't keep my eyes off of him. I started to feel my heart breaking, a painful scorching pain of loneliness. My heart tugged and reeled, bits and bits of it breaking by the moment.

"M-Madeline?" the man said and just at the mention of the name, I was even more perturbed. What is this feeling? Why am I feeling so sad and broken?

Cassian started to walk towards me. Everyone was confused, they switched looks from me and Cassian.

Chase became defensive, his smile was now gone as he stepped in front of me, blocking me from Cassian.

"What the heck Cassian? What's the meaning of this? How do you know my mate?" Chase says, his wolf was out. I could feel that he was starting to get angry.

"Move, Chase. I need to see that girl. She... Madeline, is it you? Please tell me it's you." he says, almost in a pleading voice.

"What do you want from my mate Cassian?!" Chase yells out.

I was frozen. I didn't know what to say, I didn't know what to do. Chase was getting angry and I couldn't even calm him down. Cassian was saying my name again and again, but I stayed hidden behind Chase.

Finally, before any physical altercations started, someone stepped in.

"Cassian, stop it! She's not Madeline!" someone else screamed. I poked my head a bit enough to watch the scene.

It was one of Cassian's companions that screamed at him. Maybe his Beta. He looked like a high-ranking wolf too.

Cassian had a shocked face. He looked like he had been slapped with reality.

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, seemingly calming himself. When he opened them again, he looked away. "Y-you're right. There's just no way that she's Madeline... Madeline is..." he started saying more to himself than to anyone here.

The tone he used as he spoke about this certain Madeline was breaking my heart and I just couldn't let him finish his phrase.

"How do you know me?" I hesitantly ask, slightly stepping out from behind Chase. My mate, in turn, looked back at me with warning eyes as if telling me to back up, but I shook my head towards him.

Cassian and his companion looked back at me. Another look of conflicted shock.

"No, it can't be. I need to rest." Cassian puts his hand over his face and laughs bitterly. "I'm sorry, everyone. I just..." he couldn't bring himself to finish his phrase again.

Talking about it was already hurting him and hearing about hurt me too.

Cassian's companion was right beside him and bowed towards Chase and I. "I'm sorry, as you may know, Alpha Cassian has lost his sister many years ago." he started to say and then looked back at me and again, I froze, "... and your mate just happens to have the same appearance as his lost sister. I'm sorry for the confusion." he said, but as he stared at me, he even hesitated.

Cassian slowly and steadily looked back up.

My heart was pounding real heavily. There were so many questions popping in my head and I didn't have the courage to ask them. Rather, I didn't know how to put them into words.

As we both stared at each other, there was a feeling of familiarity. I found my feet were already walking towards him.

"My name is Maddie." I started, my voice breaking down.