As always , this is sudden. It isn't edited and neither am I prepared. But I feel it's better to be raw with myself when it comes to certain topics. I took a day off college today. For no specific reason , just for myself. And I couldn't be happier about it. No I didn't do any pending college work or anything productive according to my parents. But I did something that matters more , I picked myself up for another day. And I'm freaking proud of it.

Again , a slight warning. There will be many mistakes as you continue to read but I'm overlooking them just for today , its okay.
Expressing how I feel has never been something I'm good at. However I'm happy trying to share it behind a screen. It feels safe.

I guess today's topic would be body image. Or rather , dealing with your body image. I suffer with this a lot. It's this weird insecurity you get when you think about how you look to others. It's you,always begging for validation from others. And when they do ,you can never accept it. Because inside your mind you've embedded that you aren't pretty and you aren't worth being called pretty. You want it , but can't accept it. You feel happy with the compliments but that happiness is shortlived. Wondering if they're just trying to make you feel better. And there are always people who tell me "Look at yourself. If you think you aren't pretty then what are we supposed to do." And this is a mistake which we all make.

People may be different but deep down we are all still humans and what we feel is all the same. By saying such stuff you aren't making me feel better , not even a little. You're just spreading this negative aspect.

As Claire Wineland said , WE ARE ART. AND ART IS NOT ALWAYS MEANT TO LOOK PRETTY. IT'S MEANT TO MAKE US THINK AND FEEL. And the sooner we all learn this and truly believe it , the sooner we help ourselves to live life out of this personal self torture bubble we keep ourselves in.

I feel uncomfortable walking from my college gate to my classroom every morning because I'm scared of being judged. I'm scared to be alone and I'm scared of what I'll hear and how that's going to impact me and my lifestyle.

"Stop wearing baggy clothes. You look homeless."
"You have so much potential if you dress up well."
"You have zero sense of fashion."
"Why so much makeup today?"
"Makeup helps you. But you might look better without it. Fresh faces are always prettier. "
"Wear some lipstick , your lips are too black."
"Do you even have a mirror at home?"
All of these comments might not have been said in a spiteful way , but at the end of the day it's the reason I can't show my face and it's the reason I prefer to hide. The reason I cover my face when I'm talking to you. And guys can relate to this too.
"You're so short. Tall guys are really cute."
"If only he was fair."
"Balding at such a young age?"
"She likes him? But he's so fat."

I've been one to say some stuff too. Even if I never meant it in a hurtful way I never thought about how it was affecting them. And I'm glad to say I've reduced and almost stopped.

But this is not and will never be the solution. Let's fix ourselves from the inside. I'm starting to tell myself I look pretty even with my glasses on , with my hair up or down , I'm still myself. With baggy clothes or ones that fit , with makeup or without , I'm still art.

If I won't love myself , my body or my face , I will never be able to allow others to. Accept yourself , love it. Love your bones that are seen everytime you stretch , love your curves , love that bald spot on your head. Add it to your list of charms.
Let's wake up from this dreamy reality we try to fit ourselves into. Let's find the light within us and let's do it together everyday,bit by bit.

-trying to stay happy and grateful.