[Steccy's POV]

Can you live your life just as you like it? Can you do what you want? If you can, then good for you. I wish I could be like you— who can live and enjoy their lives as how they wanted.

"Ma'am?"

I looked at my dark green closed door when someone knocked and asked for me.

"Oo, pababa na." irita kong sagot sa maid namin.

Kunot noo kong binalik ang aking atensyon sa vanity mirror habang naglalagay ng hikaw. Naiimbyerna na nga ako sa dinner date mamaya dumagdag pa 'yong paulit-ulit na pagmamadali sa akin ng maid. This life sucks. Bahala silang maghintay riyan. Tangina maya-maya lang engage na ako. Hindi ba pwedeng sulitin ko muna ang single status ko?

For fuck's sake, I didn't sign up for this. Ano, pati mapapangasawa ko sila na rin ang pipili sa akin? Sila na lang sana ang nabuhay sa buhay ko kung lahat naman nang gagawin ko sila na ang nagdedesisyon.

Out of nowhere my eyes looked at the reflection of my green and gold themed room but then my gaze accidentally shifted on the reflection of my sofa. My jaw clenched when my attention focused on my 2016 diary notebook. Binagsak ko ang kamay ko sa table at hinayaan itong kumuyom. Nakakagigil!

Mabilis akong tumayo at padabog na naglakad patungo roon para kunin ang notebook. Matalim ko 'yong tinitigan para sisihin sa mangyayaring engagement ko mamaya. Humigpit ang pagkakahawak ko. Sa sobrang inis ay agad akong pumunta sa aking fireplace at tinapon ang diary sa nagbabagang apoy.

"Bwesit!" sigaw ko, as if namang maririnig niya ang galit ko roon.

Nanginginig ang kamao ko habang pinapanood iyong sumama sa apoy. Akala ko makakayanan ko nang masunog 'yon nang tuluyan pero hindi ko kinaya. Kinuha ko kaagad ang fire iron na nasa gilid at madalian 'yong sinungkit palabas.

"Hayst!"

Nakakainis! Medyo nasusunog pa ang hard cover niya kaya kinuha ko ang unan sa aking sofa at hinampas sa diary para mawala ang apoy.

Nang mawala ang maliit na sunog ay binato ko ang unan doon para matakpan at hindi ko na makita, pero tumalbog ang unan kaya nakita ko pa rin!

"Ma'am?"

Mariin akong napapikit nang marinig ko na naman ang boses ng maid namin.

"Oo nga sabi! Pababa na nga!"

Konting-konti na lang talaga mauubos na ang pasensya ko. Huminga ako nang malalim, umaasang kahit papaano kumalma ang sarili ko sa inis. Nang magmulat ako ng mata ay medyo mahinahon na ako 'di gaya ng kanina.

Inirapan ko ang diary at umupo sa carpet ko. Binuksan ko 'yon para tignan kung nasunog ang loob.

"Wow, tibay ha?"

Masyadong makapal ang cover kaya hindi nadamay ang papel sa loob. Bumigat ang puso ko nang makita ang lukot na mga papel. Hinawi ko ang pahina at nahulog ang iba dahil napunit. I mean pinunit. Oo, pinunit ni dad dahil sa sobrang galit niya nang may nabasa siyang hindi magandang nakasulat doon.

Pinulot ko ang mga pahina kung saan nakasulat ang nangyari sa amin ni Jaylor, dalawang taon nang nakakalipas. Mabilis akong tumingala sa kulay gold kong kisame para pigilan ang pagtulo ng aking luha. Wala sa sarili akong napahinga nang malalim nang maalala ko 'yon. Hayst, potang ina.

It was one of the best part that happened into my life. Having a relationship with Jaylor made me feel free, probably because it was the only decision I've made for myself. However, the happy moments vanished when I've learned that he was my cousin last night. Now, it disgusts me! Fuck, I slept with my cousin!

"Steccy!"

Naging alerto ako at napatayo sa aking green-gold geometic carpet nang marinig si dad. Kung kanina ay nasisigawan ko pa kung sino mang magtatawag sa akin sa labas ng aking pinto, ngayon hindi ko magawa. Duh! It's dad! Baka masampal ako kapag ginawa ko 'yon sa kaniya.

"Wait, dad, I'm still not finish preparing."

Para akong maamong tuta kung magsalita.

"Dalian mong kumilos." mariin at naiinip niyang sabi.

Umirap ako.

"Opo, dad." magalang kong sagot, lol. Akala mo naman totoo.

Padabog akong umupo ulit sa harap ng aking vanity table at nagsimulang gawin ang aking eye liner. Tangina talaga. Mai-engage na ako mamaya. Binilisan ko na ang aking pagkilos, ayokong kumatok si dad sa aking pinto sa pangawalang pagkakataon dahil paniguradong malalagot na ako.

Dumiretso ako sa aking walk in closet. Mabilis na pinadaanan ng mata ko ang heels section ng aking shoe collection. Mahina pa akong napamura dahil nasa taas ang gusto kong suotin. Ayoko namang mamili pa ng iba kaya kumuha na lang ako ng upuan at pumatong doon para makuha ang aking silver heels na may ankle strap. Sinuot ko na 'yon kaagad pagkakuha at saglit pang tumingin sa malaki kong salamin at tinignan ang aking kabuuan bago lumabas. I turned my back on the mirror to check if my yellow dress' ribbon was perfectly tied at my lower back.

"Okay, perfect." I casually said and headed down to our living room. Sana pati buhay ko perfect— Oh, no! It was already perfect... perfectly controlled.

Naabutan ko si dad sa baba, nakaupo nang nakadikwatro at nagbabasa ng newspaper. Nakasuot na rin siya ng pormal niyang damit para i-meet ang pamilya at ang magiging fiancé ko. Nang makita niya ako ay sinarado niya kaagad ang papel at nilagay sa coffee table. He stood up and fixed his formal black coat. Dad didn't wear his black necktie so his black dress shirt's first button was opened.

Nasasakal ba siya sa necktie niya? Lol, walang-wala 'yan sa kung paano niya ako sakalin.

"Let's go, baka nandoon na sila."

Nang makatalikod siya ay napairap na naman ako. Napansin ko pang nakatingin sa akin ang isa naming maid kaya tinaasan ko siya ng aking kilay. She was giving me a look, para niya akong hinuhusgahan. Panigurado narinig niya ang naging sagutan namin kagabi ni dad. Lakas ng loob niyang tignan ako nang gano'n. Duh, bagong salta lang naman siya, wala pa ngang isang linggo.

"Dad, I don't like our maid. Fire her."

Mahinahon kong pakiusap kay dad pagkasakay namin sa sasakyan. Pareho kaming nakaupo sa back-seat.

"Marami tayong maids, sino sa kanila?"

Huminga akong malalim. "The one with the big eyes."

"Evette, the new one? Why?"

"I just don't like her."

Duh, sipsip kaya 'yong babaeng 'yon sa kaniya. Fck, crush niya ata si dad kaya kapag ando'n si dad laging nagpapa-cute. Ew. Kadiri, hindi bagay sa malaki niyang mata na nagpa-puppy eyes.

"Okay, I'll fire her tomorrow."

Hindi na ako sumagot pa dahil wala akong gana makipag-usap. Pakiramdam ko ang spoiled ko but whatever. Duh? Ayoko lang na parang may landing pagtingin ang mga maids kay dad. Wala akong ibang ginawa kundi ang tumunganga sa bintana buong magdamag hanggang sa makarating kami sa isang mamahaling restaurant.

Pagkapasok namin ay naramdaman ko kaagad ang lamig, hindi ko alam kung dahil ba 'yon sa air condition ng resto or dahil sa sobrang kaba ko. Dumiretso kami sa reserved table. Nandoon na si Drake at pati ang kaniyang mga magulang.

"Good evening po." bati ko sa mga magulang niya.

I gave them my sweetest fake smile. Nakipag-beso pa ako kina tita at tito. Niyakap ko rin ang anak nilang si Drake. Umupo kaming lahat sa harapan ng isang round table pagkatapos nang greetings. They had their little catch up talk when tito asked for the waiter so he could get our orders.

Nakangiwi ako habang tinitignan ang menu, naghahanap kung may makakakuha ba ng atensyon ko. Pagkalipat ko ng pahina, umabot na pala ako sa dulo. Well, sorry sa menu nila pero nabigo siyang akitin ang tiyan ko. Wala talaga akong ganang kumain at baka masayang lang kaya nag-order na lang ako ng salad. Pagkaalis ng waiter dala ang aming order ay nagsimula na silang pag-usapan ang engagement party. Lol. Wala pa ngang proposal, wala pa nga akong singsing!

"Drake already has the ring, sabi ko mamaya niya na lang ibigay kay Steccy, so they could have their own time." Tita said while smiling at us.

I just smiled too, kahit na labag sa kalooban ko. Hindi pa naman talaga dapat ngayon mangyayari ang engagement. Dapat kapag nag-18 ako. Duh! 17 palang ako. Kaso sa sobrang galit ni dad sa nabasa niya, bigla nalang niyang sinabing i-engage na ako kinabukasan kay Drake para siguradong hindi na ako gagawa ng katangahan.

Bakit ba kasi at nabasa 'yon ni dad! Gusto kong magalit dahil nabasa niya 'yon pero it made me feel somewhat a blessing in disguise? Patuloy ko sanang iisipin na isang magandang pangyayari ang nangyari sa amin ni Jaylor. Kasi kung hindi 'yon nabasa ni dad, what the fuck, hindi ko malalaman na pinsan ko pala ang una kong naka-sex!

Hindi naman ako nagsisisi no'n pero ngayon? 'Di ko na alam kung tamang desisyon pa ba na binigay ko sa kaniya ang virginity ko. Though, hindi ko rin naman gugustuhin na ibigay 'yon sa hindi ko mahal! And dad had already planned my marriage. Drake and I were together that time and I was so scared I wouldn't get to choose whom I wanted to give it.

It looked like I was having two boyfriends that time, but it was just Jaylor who I really considered my boyfriend so I did it with him. Hindi ko naman gusto si Drake, so for me he wasn't really my bf, si dad lang naman ang may gustong jowain ko ang lalaking 'yon. He said we should be together while we were young so we could get to know each other before we married which he wanted to happen at my age of 18!

Lol, planado na ang lahat para sa amin. Hindi naman ako makaangal dahil wala akong magawa dahil ipipilit at ipipilit lang ni dad 'yon, sasabihin niya lang na ayaw ko lang 'yong gano'ng ideya dahil 'di ko pa kilala si Drake.

So sumakay na lang ako sa trip ni dad kahit na ayaw ko. Hindi ko rin alam paano ako nakatagal ng dalawang taon na jowa 'tong si Drake.

"Give me your hand."

Drake said while holding 'my' engagement ring. Umirap na lang ako at inabot sa kaniya ang kamay ko. Tinuon ko ang aking atensyon sa katabing glass wall. Dad, tito and tita already left. Lumipat na rin kami ng resto na binook ni Drake.

Masyadong maganda ang lugar para pagdalhan niya sa akin. Alam ko namang hindi niya rin naman planong mag-date kaming dalawa dito but our parents insisted this so Drake could give me the ring. Siguro kung 'yong babaeng nagugustuhan niya ang dinala niya rito ay magugustuhan ang nakikita ko ngayon.

The city light that I could see from this high building was really mesmerizing.

Actually, it was one on my bucket list, to have a date with this kind of place with the person I love. Pinag-iisipan ko pa tuloy kung natupad na ba ang ang isa sa mga gusto kong mangyari kung hindi ko naman mahal ang kasama ko ngayon.

"Oh, sakto!"

He chuckled after putting the ring on my finger, mukha siyang naka-achieve ng isang bagay dahil do'n.

Pinanliitan ko siya ng aking mata at tinaasan ng isa kong kilay. "Okay, so gusto mo bang i-congrats kita?"

Ngumiti siya sa akin para inisin ako. "Sure! That would be lovely."

My face flattened as I stared at him to make him feel how annoyed I am. Nakaaasar talaga. Inirapan ko siya nang malala bago nagbaba ng tingin para sa singsing na lang ituon ang aking atensyon. Bahagya kong inangat ang aking kamay para pagmasdan 'yon.

It was just simple but elegant— its thin band was covered with small diamond stones and there was still a one bigger diamond elevated. My ring was shouting how wealthy the family he belonged to. Matagal akong napatitig doon habang nag-iisip kung paano na nito mababago ang takbo ng aking buhay.

Dati akala ko wala ng mas lalala pa sa pagdikta nila sa mga dapat kong gawin. I thought it was just simple things they wanted to control.

My heart stung as I stared at it. It was indeed pretty, but it made me more feel like I was in the cage, locked up... What a shame for having the thought that it was like a padlock... a padlock to my heart to not be able to find a lover or be with someone who it wants to be with.

"Siguraduhin mo lang na 'di 'to fake. Kasalan mo 'pag nagka-allergy ako."

"So, allergy ka sa fake?"

Tumaas ang kilay ko nang tignan ko siya. "Yes."

A restraint smile formed on his lips. "Buti hindi ka allergy sa mga ngiti mo?"

Nagtatanong na kumunot ang aking noo.

"Your smiles were mostly fake, especially earlier."

"Paano mo nasabi?" I sounded defensive.

Hindi niya sinagot ang tanong ko. Napailing na lang siya at sumandal habang nakatitig sa akin.

"Sungit mo talaga, 'no?"

Sumandal din ako at hindi siya sinagot, obvious naman 'di ba? Parang tanga, tatanong-tanong pa siya, alam naman niya.

"Hindi ka pa ba aalis? Baka pupunta ka ulit ng bar?" Humalukipkip ako tsaka tinuon ang aking atensyon sa labas. He usually went at bar with his friends and mingle with other girls. Wala naman akong pake. Gawin niya kung anong gusto niyang gawin. Hindi rin naman siya nangingialam kung may nakakasama akong ibang lalaki.

We made an agreement when we became 'boyfriend and girlfriend.' Sabi namin label lang 'yon pero hindi ibig sabihin no'n 'di na kami pwedeng magkagusto or magkipag-date. Basta updated kami sa isa't isa kung sino man ang nakakasama namin para kung sakaling may mahuli sa amin, kaya naming palusutan ang isa.

"Ayaw mo bang i-try o bigyan ng chance 'yong tayo?"

Natatawa ko siyang tinignan. Ano raw? Lol.

"Naririnig mo ba sarili mo?"

He looked at me seriously. "Yes, ayaw mo ba?"

I scoffed. "Bakit bored ka na sa mga babae mo?"

He pursed his lips and looked away like he was thinking. "Yeah, maybe."

Pinanliitan ko siya ng aking mga mata. "Broken hearted ka ba?"

"Yeah, maybe."

Medyo natawa ako. "Wow, parang gagawin mo ata akong rebound? Humanap ka na lang ng ibang pagkakaabalahan mong babae, 'wag mo na ako idamay sa trip mo."

Huminga siya nang malalim, hindi pa rin niya ako tinitignan.

"They were the ones I used for rebound 'coz I'm broken hearted for a very long time."

"Huh? Kailan pa?" nagtataka kong tanong.

He looked at me. "When you had a relationship with Jaylor."

Napakurap ako nang ilang beses. Tama ba narinig ko?

I cleared my throat and laughed nervously. Hindi ko na alam kung ano ire-react ko, he caught me off-guard. Lakas ng trip, kala mo totoo. Eh, ideya niya nga 'yong okay lang makipagrelasyon kami sa iba tapos ganyan sasabihin niya?

Natawa na lang ako sa sarili ko that time, I didn't take it seriously. I thought he was just messing with me and I didn't bother to keep thinking 'bout it. Marami pa akong iniisip no'n lalong-lalo na ang tungkol kay Jaylor. Hindi pa ako kumbensidong pinsan ko siya. Naisip kong baka gawa-gawa lang 'yon ni Dad para hindi ko na gustuhin si Jaylor. Well, nabasa niya 'yong diary na ginamit ko no'ng naging kami ni Jaylor— 2016— kaya panigurado nabasa niya na rin pati 'yong current diary ko— 2018— at nakalagay sa ibang mga pahina roon na sinasabi kong gusto ko pa rin si Jaylor kahit dalawanag taon na ang nakakaraan simula no'ng iwan niya ako.

"Ano bang ginagawa mo rito?" inis na tanong ni Jaylor habang naglalakad nang mabilis kaysa sa akin.

Tumaas ang kilay ko habang nakatingin sa likuran niya, nasa unahan ko siya. He still looked good even with his broad shoulders from the back. Nakausot na siya ng jersey niya ng badminton at pawis ang kaniyang batok, mukhang nag-warm up na.

Hindi naman kasali ang bibig sa laro mamaya pero 'di ko alam kung bakit pati bibig niya ngayon ay wina-warm niya dahil sa dami niyang sinasabi.

"Daming sinasabi." bulong ko sa sarili ko.

Tinatanong niya pa kung bakit daw ako nandito. Lol, 'di ba obvious na nakasuot ako ng jersey shorts ko? Duh? Kasali ako sa competiton... at may plano ako.

I took a deep breath before putting my smile on. Hinugot ko ang aking kamay mula sa pagkakabulsa nito sa aking school jacket. I hopped to reach for his neck and hooked my arm there.

"Masyado kang seryoso!" panloloko ko at ginulo ang kaniyang buhok.

I grabbed a handful of his hair to be playfully— but not really. I just did that to get at least a sample of his hair for a DNA test. Gusto kong makasigurado kung pinsan ko ba talaga siya.

Ayoko namang maniwala kaagad kay dad, ayokong madungisan ang masasayang alaala ko kasama siya.

"Hindi mo ba ako na-miss?"

Hinawakan niya ang kamay ko para magtigil sa panggugulo sa kaniyang buhok, he already looked pissed. He stopped walking and so did I.

"Galit agad?" Mahina akong tumawa at binulsa na ang kamay ko sa aking jacket. Naramdam ko ang kaunting hibla ng buhok niya na nakuha ko.

Jaylor stared at me for a couple of seconds then shook his head, making me feel that I should stop being a pain in the ass. The fake smile on my face faded when he left me there. It felt like there was a hammer pounding my heart as I looked at him walking away from me. Alam ko namang ayaw niya na rin akong makita at makausap.

"Congrats, JV!"

Masaya ang mga kasamahan ni JV dahil nanalo siya laban sa akin. Nakakainis dahil para niya akong naging laruan. Gusto ko siyang batuhin ng raketa. Lol. Napahiya pa tuloy ako sa mga taong nanonood dahil sa naging laro namin. Pati ang vending machine nila ay nadamay ko sa sobrang inis. Ang tagal lumabas ng coke in can na binili ko kaya sinipa ko, wala namang ibang tao kaya okay lang 'yon.

Hindi ko naman ginustong maging representative ng school namin, pero anong magagawa ko kung ito lang din naman ang paraan para mapuntahan ko si Jaylor? I knew dad wouldn't allow me to talk or even see him because of what he learned from my freaking 2016 diary. Binayaran ko pa tuloy ng 20k 'yong magre-represent sana sa year level namin para lang magpanggap na may sakit siya at hindi niya kayang um-attend ngayon. Pati 'yong coach namin binayaran ko rin para lang mapapayag at hindi na humanap ng iba pang player. Tangina, 50 000 din ang nagastos ko para lang dito!

But whatever, at least malalaman ko kung nagsasabi ba ng totoo si dad.

"You're Jaylor's kabet, right?"

Kumunot ang noo ko at napataas ang isa kong kilay. Inalis ko ang pagtitig sa maliwanag na vending machine at lumingon sa lalaking umupo at tumabi pa talaga sa akin. He looked arrogant, and... —bumaba ang tingin ko sa binubuksan niyang barnuts— and childish. Duh, parang bata. 'Di maka-get over sa childhood?

Umirap ako at uminom na lang ng aking softdrinks. Hindi ko sinagot ang tanong niya, like duh? Sino ba siya? 'Di ko naman siya kilala pero mukhang kaibigan siya ni JV, nakita ko siyang nagchi-cheer sa kaniya kanina.

"Silence means yes."

Aba bwesit ang isang 'to ah.

Huminga ako nang malalim para pakalmahin ang aking sarili. Ayokong makipag-away sa isang lalaking nonsense. Tumayo na lang ako at iniwan siya roon. Masyadong papansin.

Para lang malaman kung nagsasabi ng totoo si dad kinailangan ko pa talagang dumaan sa gano'ng sitwasyon!

It took 1 week when the results came. Kinakabahan ako habang hawak ang catalog envelope. I sat down on my couch and slowly pulled the paper out from it and when I saw the results my tears started to fall. Nanginginig ang kamay ko maging ang aking labi. Napatakip ako sa aking bibig at parang nawalan ng lakas ang kamay kong may hawak ng papel dahil bumagsak ito sa aking binti.

Our memories flashed on my mind like a movie. I didn't know what to feel. It gave me chills on my spine. Fck! Dad was telling the truth! Kung dati masasayang alaala ang mga 'yon ngayon hindi na!

I was so upset! Kinuha ko kaagad ang diary ko magmula no'ng 2016 at sabay-sabay 'yong tinapon sa aking fireplace. Tangina! Lahat nang akala kong masasayang alaala ay isang kalokohan lang pala.

I called Jaylor that night and asked him if he knew about our connection as cousins. Hindi ko siya tinanong no'ng wala pa ang results dahil naniniwala akong hindi naman 'yon magagawa ni Jaylor kung alam niyang magpinsan kami. He was so angry for what I told him. Akala niya ginagago ko siya. When I showed him the results and confessed the real reason why I was there at the school to play badminton, he slowly believed me.

Sa dami-dami nang magiging pinsan ko bakit 'yong taong mahal ko pa? At sa lahat ng pagkakataon bakit huli na no'ng nalaman kong kadugo ko pala siya? Fck! Dad was right. Hindi talaga ako nag-iisip sa mga ginagawa ko! Dapat nakinig na lang ako sa kaniya sa plano niya para sa amin ni Drake.

"Tangina! Tangina! Tangina!" sigaw ko habang nakasubsob ang mukha ko sa aking higaan.

The sheet of my bed was crumpled in my fist. Maybe I couldn't really decide for myself. Maybe what my heart wants was wrong. Kung dati sinasabi ko sa sarili ko na hindi ko pinagsisisihan ang ginawa kong pakikipagrelasyon kay Jaylor, ngayon hindi ko na masikmura... Iniisip ko palang nandidiri na ako!

My mind was preoccupied for the past days. Puro galit ang naramdaman ko sa sarili ko dahil sa nalaman kong katotohanan. I couldn't focus on my studies, my appetite was also affected and mostly my sleep. Hindi ako makatulog dahil madalas kong mapanaginipan ang pagtatalik namin. It felt like nightmare. Ayoko na, ayoko na talaga. It was wrong! Everything was wrong!

"Gusto mo bang mag-stay muna ako?"

Napaangat ang tingin ko kay Drake habang kumakain kami sa aming dining room, he was sitting on the opposite side of the table. It was past 10 pm when we decided to have dinner after studying. Hindi ako makapag-focus sa school kaya sa kaniya ako humihingi ng tulong para kahit papaano makahabol ako sa mga lessons. Wala rin naman akong 'true friends' para hayaan silang makita akong ganito.

Ayoko rin namang makita niya akong nagkakaganito. I'm not used having someone when I'm in pain. My diary was already okay with me before in times like this... 'coz it was like my best friend. However, I don't like those right now, it reminds me of him.

"Hindi ka nakapagpaalam kina tita, baka hanapin ka nila—"

"Dito naman ako matutulog," he cut me off. "kaya sure akong hindi sila magagalit kung ngayon palang ako magpapaalam."

Nagbaba ako ng tingin sa aking plato. I didn't want to bother him anymore because of me. Masyado na nga akong sakit sa ulo kapag tinuturuan niya ako dahil hirap kong maisiksik sa utak ko ang mga paliwanang niya.

"Pero kung ayaw mo talaga, sige aalis na lang ako—"

"No, it wasn't like that. I will be glad if you stay..."

It was my first time to stop him from leaving.

I wanted him to stay, I didn't want to be alone. Sa kaniya lang din panatag ang loob ko na makita akong nagkakaganito.

"Okay, sige... Hmmm. Gusto mo bang manood tayo mamaya?"

Kahit nahihiya ako ay pinili ko pa ring tumingin sa kaniya para hindi niya mahalata.

"I don't like watching. Makakatulog lang ako." I plainly said.

Ngumiwi siya na parang nag-iisip bago siya ngumiti sa akin nang may pumasok ng ideya sa kaniyang utak.

"Laro na lang tayo. Online games. Counterstrike mga gano'n."

Kumunot ang noo ko. "I don't play games like that on devices. Kung gusto mo mag-shooting range na lang tayo. May shooting area naman doon sa labas. We have supressors, we could use that so it won't be noisy."

"You know?" He looked surprised and amazed.

"Yes, duh. My dad is a mafia, what do you expect."

He just chuckled and continue eating.

Dad taught me how to shoot, he said it would come in handy soon, in case I need to protect myself. My childhood was so different from other kids. Nakakainggit silang panoorin sa totoo lang. I always wanted to play barbie dolls, gusto ko silang damitan at ayusan gaya ng ginagawa ng mga kaedaran ko noon, but dad would buy guns with foam bullets instead. Inisip ko na lang no'n na cool din naman kung gano'n ang lalaruin ko.

As I got older, my interest in makeup also popped; I wanted to attend make up summer class but dad would refuse, again, and would enroll me in martial arts. Sabi ko no'n okay lang kasi may purpose naman 'tong ginagawa ko. Kahit na hindi ko gusto ay ginawa ko dahil 'yon ang gusto nila dad at Lolo Ethan. They said my safety was more important than make up. If they didn't do what they were doing, then maybe I wouldn't be so focus on protecting myself.

"Maghanap na lang tayo ng laro mamaya sa app store." he suggested.

"Basta hindi boring."

Pagkatapos naming kumain ay umakyat na kami sa kwarto ko. Naupo siya sa couch at naging busy sa pagtitingin sa app store nang lalaruin namin.

"Dress up, gusto mo?"

Lol.

"Ano ako bata?"

Tinawanan niya lang ako at nagpatuloy sa paghahanap.

Humilata ako sa kama ko habang nakaangat ang aking kamay at hawak ang aking phone. Napahinto ako sa pag-i-scroll sa insta nang may nakita akong post mula sa isa sa mga fina-follow ko.

The girl was in her bikini. She was holding a glass wine while sitting on the Jacuzzi.

Mabilis akong tumingin kay Drake.

"Tara na lang sa pool." I suggested 'coz my body suddenly craved for that kind of relaxation.

Mabilis na napaangat ang tingin niya sa akin. "Huh?"

Hindi ko alam kung hindi niya ba narinig o 'di lang siya makapaniwala sa sinabi ko.

"Ulit-ulit?" walang emosyon kong tanong sa kaniya.

Napaatras siya at natawa. "Ang sungit?"

To be honest I really appreciated his efforts. Alam kong kahit na hindi ko sabihin sa kaniya ang nararamdaman ko ay naiintindihan niya ang mga 'yon and it felt like someone could understand my silent pain.

"Anong tinatayo-tayo mo riyan?" kunot noo kong tanong sa kaniya. His bare chest was already naked and it was just his boxer that's covering his lower half. Hindi siya prepared.

Nakaupo na ako sa loob jacuzzi at siya ay parang nagdadalawang isip kung sasamahan niya ako. I already changed my outfit, nakausot na ako ng one-piece black swimsuit. Duh, dapat maganda pa rin ako kahit na ganito lang ang trip namin.

Huminga ako nang malalim. "Are you worried you don't have extra boxer with you?"

"Ahm, yeah. Kinda?"

Umirap ako. "Come on, kaya mo namang matulog ng walang boxer shorts."

His brows creased. Saglit siyang napatitig sa akin na parang may mali akong nasabi.

"What?" tanong ko.

Hindi niya ako sinagot at sumulong na sa tubig. Drake didn't take my side, he sat across from me.

Kunot noo siya habang nakatingin sa akin. "Are you assuming something?" he asked meaningfully.

Pinatong ko ang aking magkabilaang siko sa side ng Jacuzzi. "Assumed what?" I asked innocently.

I slid myself in the water like I'm half laying. I made myself comfortable with my position and looked up at the lanterns, hanging at the branches of the trees, while waiting for his answer.

"That I already slept naked with someone?"

I shrugged and answered without looking at him. "Yeah."

He smirked and that made me looked like him. Hindi siya nakatingin sa akin pero mukhang na-offend ko siya. Na-guilty tuloy ako bigla.

Napaayos ako ng upo. "Hey, I didn't mean to—"

"It's okay, don't worry."

He tried to smile for me, but I knew it was fake. Duh? I'm the CEO of fake smiles. I would easily recognize if someone does it. I'm good at reading facial expressions.

Kahit na sinabi niyang okay lang, na-guilty pa rin ako. Siya na nga lang 'yong nangdiyan para sa akin tapos ganito pa igaganti ko.

"I'm sorry..."

I wasn't really an apologetic person but that time I said sorry even if I was very ma-pride.

Days had passed and somewhat I'm feeling better. Drake always been by my side to check up on me, in case I was having my panic attacks. Duh? Sino bang hindi mababaliw? Ikaw kayang malaman mong pinsan mo pala naka-sex mo.

Gusto ko ring sisihin sina dad. I knew dad has a twin brother, Tito Mateo— who went to Lolo Elijah's twin brother, which was Lolo Ethan, 'coz both of them didn't agree on what was going on with this family— but I didn't know that he even changed his name not until I asked how come I didn't know Jaylor was my cousin! Gosh! Malay ko bang tatay niya pala si Tito Mateo!? Tsaka paano ko malalaman kung 'di ko naman alam na iba na pala ang name na gamit niya?

Sabi ni dad kaya hindi na raw nila sinabi sa akin na nagpalit ng name ang kapatid niya dahil hindi naman na raw 'yon importante at gusto ng kapatid niyang wala ng ibang makaalam pa na magkadugo sila 'coz Tito Mateo Fantanillo slash Tito Frederic Mendez, now, said he didn't want to be involved with us anymore.

Well, wazzup Tito Frederic! I had sex with your son, he got involved with me! Wazzup dad, kung sinabi mo sana at hindi ka nag-assume na hindi na 'yon importante, edi sana 'di ako nakipag-sex sa pinsan ko! Hello, hindi naman sila mai-involve sa mga pinaggagawa niyo kapag nalaman ko name niya, right?

Kung nalaman ko sana kaagad ang bagong pangalan ng kapatid mo dad, edi sana naiwasan ko si Jaylor!

"Your lolo has a work for you."

Kakarating ko lang ng bahay galing school tapos 'yon na kaagad ang bungad sa akin ni dad. Mukhang hinintay niya pa talaga akong makauwi dahil nasa living room pa talaga siya nakaupo.

"What work?" I calmly asked.

Sino na naman ba ang papaimbestigihan nila sa akin? Tangina, marami naman silang tao na pwedeng gumawa no'n inaabala pa nila ako. Duh!? Baka nag-aaral pa ako, hello? Kung sana interesado talaga ako sa mga ginagawa nila, kahit ano pa 'yan mai-excite ako, kaso hindi! Mas maraming research pa ata ang nahahanap ko sa mga taong pinapahanap nila keysa sa research na naitulong ko sa mga kagrupo ko sa thesis namin.

Bwesit! Gusto ko na lang gumawa ng excuse para makaiwas pero hindi na lang dahil sasabihin lang nilang this will serve as your training ground and you should learn how to work with pressure. What the heck, they want that so when I become an official I wouldn't be a disappointment.

Wala pa nga ako sa legal age, hindi pa ako kasali sa org, pero parang pakiramdam ko kasali na talaga ako! Everything they wanted me to do was for my preparation and for their best interest! They put me into so many classes and seminars so I could train myself— to have the business mindset and exercise my detective instinct— because they expect me to inherit their works. For fuck's sake, I don't want that! Pero kahit naman ayaw ko wala akong magawa! Pota. Ayokong gawin ang mga ginagawa nila.

I've always known their works. Our current business was just for the show. Hindi naman talaga 'yon ang pangunahing pinagkukuhanan namin ng pera. Pantakip lang 'yon sa mga karumal-dumal nilang ginagawa. My dad ang my lolo were the most ruthless people I've met and it was also the reason why mom left us 'coz she wanted to have a peaceful life but dad couldn't leave Lolo Elijah. How the fck could he chose this kind of life over mom!?

Sobra na akong nai-stress tapos ganito pa. Bakit pa nila ako idadamay? Pota talaga, hanggang mamatay ata ako hindi ko makakamit ang tahimik na buhay gaya ng gusto ko

Pati pamilya ng mapapangasawa ko ay may koneksiyon sa kanila. Drake's family was having the protection service from ours because of the corrupt things they did, and their company was like a tech firm who were also giving some benefits to our organization. Hindi ko rin alam kung pati si Drake ay gustong ipagpatuloy ang ginagawa ng kaniyang mga magulang.

He was the only child and they expect him to continue what they've started, just like my father and grandfather wanted me to do with my life.

[It's okay...] Drake said over the phone.

I could hear the disappointment in his voice. Next week sana kami lalabas para manood ng sine— he said I should try it, at kung makatulog man ako ay nandoon naman daw siya para bantayan ako— pero 'di 'yon mangyayari dahil apurado sina dad na magawa ko ang inuutos nila.

"P-pero try kong tapusin kaagad 'yong pinapagawa sa akin nila lolo, baka mahabol pa natin 'yong movie."

Gosh, panira talaga. Sana lang matapos ko kaagad 'tong pinapagawa nila dahil hanggang next week na lang 'yong palabas!

He chuckled. [Sige, basta tapusin mo muna 'yong gagawin mo, pwede namang iba na lang ang panoorin natin.]

Pinakaayaw ko talaga sa lahat 'yong nasisira mga plano ko dahil sa kanila dad!

[We still have ahmm maybe... 11 months before the wedding... Marami pa tayong time para gawin 'yong mga bagay na normal na ginagawa ng couples.]

My heart skipped when he referred to us like a couple. I was silent for a bit, I didn't know what to respond. Napahawak ako sa dibdib ko ng may maramdaman?

"Whatever. I have to go. Bye." nagmamadali kong sabi tsaka binaba ang tawag.

Nanatili akong nakatayo sa gitna ng aking kwarto habang nag-iisip kung ano ang nangyari? I was so confused what I just felt. It has been 2 months since the engagement. Kahit papaano ay nagiging close na kami ni Drake gaya ng gustong mangyari ni Dad. Kung tutuusin ay gusto na talaga nila kaming ikasal 'pag nag-18 na 'ko... But thanks to Drake, he asked them to give us some time to enjoy our 'fiance stage.' Alam ko namang palusot niya lang din 'yon dahil hindi pa rin siya handa. Since it was him who asked, dad agreed.

Kaya lang din naman pumayag si dad dahil umamin si Drake. Hindi ko rin alam kung saan siya humugot ng lakas para sabihin kay dad na alam niya ang nangyari sa amin ni Jaylor dahil sa naging kasunduan namin na siya naman talaga ang may pakana.

Dad didn't know about that because it wasn't written on my diary. Nagsimula lang naman akong mag-diary no'ng nakauwi akong Pilipinas at nakasama si Jaylor dahil ang mga alaalang 'yon ay gusto kong manatiling buhay kahit tumanda ako. Ayoko 'yong makalimutan dahil 'yon ang masasayang alaala ko kahit pa may nasaktan ako.

It was so selfish and I do feel guilty...but if ever I had a chance to make something right from my past mistakes... I wouldn't change that, because for me that wasn't a mistake.

Lol! That thinking was just before! Now, it felt like a huge mistake. Sa dami-rami ng mga ginusto kong suwayin na habilin sa akin ni dad, bakit 'yon pa? Sana sa iba na lang ako sumuway.

"Thank you." I said politely to the woman when she opened the door for me as entered an office at this company.

"Welcome." She said sweetly and then closed the door from the outside.

Nang wala na ang babae ay lumingon ako sa mismong office.

I swallowed hard when I saw a man busy working in front of his table with full of papers and folders. He was sitting on his swivel chair. The sleeves of his white dress shirt was folded up to his elbows while his coat was hanging at the back of his chair.

"What are you doing here?" Zed asked very coldly without looking at me. Ang lamig na nga dito sa office niya tapos dadagdag pa siya. His secretary obviously gave him a heads up on who he was going to talk to, kaya kahit 'di niya na ako tignan ay kilala niya na ako.

Buti pinahintulutan niya pa rin akong makausap siya kahit na alam niya na ako ang kabet ng jowa ng kapatid niya, noon.

Zed cleared his throat. Saglit niya akong tinignan para taasan niya ako ng kilay, naghihintay siya sa sasabihin ko. Nang wala pa rin siyang marinig mula sa akin ay binalik niya ang tingin niya sa mga papeles na nasa harapan niya.

"I'm a very busy person, young lady. So if you have something to say, say it."

Para akong natameme habang nakatayo sa dulong bahagi ng kaniyang office. Kinabahan ako dahil sa plano ko. My eyes shifted to his side where his transparent glass water was placed. It was half empty, meaning ininuman niya na.

He took a very deep breath to make me feel that he was already losing his patience. Binaba niya ang mga papel at naiiritang tumingin sa akin. His brows arched, asking me to speak. Kung attitude ako, mas mukhang attitude ang isang 'to. He was so intimidating!

"It's about the hacienda..." paninimula ko.

His expression change. Nginisihan niya ako. "Bilis namang umabot sa'yo ng balita?"

Well, of course. Nakwento na ni dad ang nangyari sa kapatid niya. He even told me that Jaylor asked for my Lolo Elijah's help— money— which I found weird 'coz I thought they didn't want to involve their family to ours anymore.

"Alam ko na nasaktan namin ang kapatid mo, but is it really necessary to take the hacienda from them?"

Tumaas ang kilay niya. "Yan ang pinunta mo rito?"

No, pero syempre 'di ko pwedeng sabihin totoong pakay ko. Duh? I need to act.

"Yes..."

"So you want to plead?" hindi nawala sa labi niya ang sarkastikong ngiti.

"Yes..."

Naiiling siyang tumawa.

"Poor thing. You think I would care?"

It sent chills to my spines.

He was giving the aura just like my dad. Tumayo siya at pumunta sa harapan ng kaniyang table. Sinandal niya ang kaniyang pang-upo sa edge ng mesa at binulsa ang kaniyang kamay sa pocket ng slacks niya.

"What a pathetic move. If you want to help him, you're pleading won't do. Kung gusto mo ikaw ang magbayad ng amount ng hacienda nila para hindi na sila mamroblema."

Your point was already taken, kung pwede ko lang sabihin.

His gaze was very dark. He tilted his head while looking at my eyes directly, para niyang kinikilatis ang buong pagkatao ko dahil sa lalim ng kaniyang pagtitig.

"Why do you have to hurt my sister just to satisfy your wants?" pag-iiba niya.

Humigpit ang hawak ko sa strap ng aking sling bag. Nag-iwas ako ng tingin sa kaniya dahil hindi ko na kinaya ang bigat ng tingin niya lalo pa ng dahil sa tanong.

"I've always wonder why she would refuse to go back to her sport, even when she was already healed." Ramdam ko ang galit niyang mga matang nakatitig pa rin sa akin. "She hated what she loved because of you."

I know. I remembered how hurt she was when she learned about my relationship with her boyfriend. Ayaw ko ring makasakit no'n... pero ayoko ring isuko si Jaylor. Gusto kong panindigan ang naging desisyon ko na mahalin siya dahil no'ng mga pagkakataong 'yon ay naramdaman kong malaya ako dahil nasunod ko na rin ang gusto ng puso ko kahit sa mga oras lang na 'yon.

"You didn't just take her boyfriend but also her passion in playing badminton." paninisi niya sa akin.

And he thought she was the only one who hated badminton after what happened? I was so guilty what I've done to his sister. I lost my interest, I quit playing when I transferred... and then Jaylor broke up with me, mas lalo lang akong nawalan ng gana.

My sport was the source of my happiness when I was a child, so after a year I pushed myself to join again, hoping it could cheer me up and make me happy. I used to love it and I thought maybe my drive would come back. However, I felt lost and couldn't focus...

Lol. Hindi nga ako qualified para mag-represent ng school namin no'n kaya binayaran ko sina coach para ako ang isali at magawa ang plano ko.

"I'm sorry for hurting your sister."

And that... I really meant it, it was the phrase I always wanted to say to his sister...

Tinignan ko siya at sinalubong ang mabigat niyang mga tingin. I wanted to explain myself but I didn't, it was the punishment I gave to myself 'coz I knew I deserve the hate anyways...

"Bakit ka sa akin humihingi ng tawad? Ako ba ang kapatid ko?"

He was so harsh. Pakiramdam ko paulit-ulit akong napapahiya sa harapan niya.

Humalukipkip siya. "Bakit hindi mo ipagtanggol ang sarili mo? And explain your side?"

I wanted but I refused.

"Because I'm aware of what I did, that's why I have no excuse in hurting your sister."

"Then you're admitting you were selfish."

"Yes."

He laughed out of amusement. "Did you even feel guilty?"

"Yes..."

"Then why didn't you act to stop the guilt?"

"Because I wanted to follow my heart and just for once do what I want for myself."

"Kahit na alam mong may girlfriend si Jaylor?"

I pursed my lips before answering him.

"I didn't know he had a girlfriend that time. He didn't tell me—"

"Pero no'ng nalaman mo? Tinuloy mo pa rin?"

Napatahimik ako. I felt so guilty talking with him.

Wala naman akong ibang maipapaliwanag sa kaniya dahil ginusto ko rin namang agawin ang boyfriend ng kapatid niya kahit pa nagsinungaling si Jaylor sa akin at hindi niya sinabing may girlfriend pala siya.

Yes, I was so dumb to still continue being with Jaylor even if he had realationship with JV. I'm so dumb and selfish and I'm really sorry for hurting JV. I really am sorry...

Tumayo siya nang tuwid at umikot sa kaniyang table para bumalik sa kaniyang upuan.

"Leave. You're wasting my time."

Hindi na ako nagprotesta pa at umangal sa gusto niyang mangyari. Mas mabuti na nga sigurong umalis na ako rito dahil nararamdaman ko lahat nang pagsisisi at sakit dahil sa mga nagawa kong kasalanan.

Lumabas ako ng kaniyang office at nanatili sa gilid ng kaniyang pintuan habang nagpipigil ng iyak. Sobrang higpit ang hawak ko sa strap ng bag ko para lang roon mapunta lahat ng gusto kong ilabas na sakit. I took a deep breath to calm myself. This isn't the time to focus on my feelings. I have to do my task.

A woman entered his office while holding a tray with new cleared empty glass and a pitchel with water. I waited for a couple of seconds before she got out. I cleared my throat when she passed me. She just walked casually and I followed her. Dala niya pa rin ang kaniyang tray, pero wala ng laman ang pitchel at ang baso ay may kaunting tubig na.

I need to get that water glass. When we turned left to the other hallway, where it was a blindspot to the CCTV's, both of us stopped. Pasimple ko pang sinilip ang paligid kung may ibang tao kahit na sigurado naman akong walang masyadong dumadaan doon.

Nang ibalik ko ang tingin sa kaniya ay patingin-tingin din siya sa paligid. Hindi na ako nag-aksaya ng oras. Nilabas ko sa aking bag ang dala kong baso na kapareho ng nasa tray. Mabilis ko 'yong pinagpalit at iniligay ko rin ang tubig na nasa water glass kanina ni Zed.

I took my clear ziplock from my bag and put the glass inside it. When I looked at her she looked so nervous. Bago ko siya pakalmahin ay tinago ko muna ang hawak ko.

"Hey," pagtatawag ko sa kaniya. I gave her a smile. "Don't worry you won't get fired. Walang makakaalam," paninigurado ko. "unless you tell them." I winked and tapped her shoulders.

"Isipin mo nalang hindi 'to nangyari."

Tumango lang siya sa akin. Tinitignan ko siya nang diretso sa kaniyang mga mata at inalis ang ngiti sa aking labi. I zipped my mouth with my fingers to gesture her to keep her mouth shut. I raised a brow, to ask if she understands.

Tumago na naman siya.

Kaya hindi ko iniasa sa kaniya lahat dahil baka magkamali pa ang babaeng 'to at hindi niya magawa ang kailangan niyang gawin. Madamay pa ako sa kapalpakan niya. Okay na 'yong bigyan niya ako ng tulong keysa siya lahat, baka mahuli pa siya.

"Use the money wisely, okay?" payo ko.

Binigyan ko siya ng matamis na ngiti bago umalis. Hindi ako kinabahan nang iwan ko na siya. I'm sure she wouldn't do stupid things 'coz I know her dirty little secrets. Duh, I'm good at knowing which people should I use and in order to learn how to use them, you should know their weakness first. But fck, ang hirap mang-stalk ng empleyado nila huh!

Umuwi na ako pagkatapos no'n. Pagkarating kong bahay ay dumiretso ako kay dad at binigay na sa kaniya ang kailangan niya.

"Good job, daughter!" he proudly said while holding the ziplock and looking at it.

Ako pa ba?

"Your lolo will be pleased."

Hindi ko na pinansin ang sinabi niya dahil pagod ako at may mga assignments pa akong gagawin. Bwesit, next day na pasahan no'n 'di ko pa nasisimulan dahil diyan sa pinapagawa nila. 'Di ko naman pwedeng ipagpaliban 'yong utos nila dahil alam ko namang sobrang dismayado ni lolo sa akin dahil sa nalaman niya. Well, dad was chismoso, that's why. Ayoko ring hindi makabawi kaagad sa nagawa ko dahil baka kung ano na namang pagbabawal ang idagdag nila sa buhay ko.

"Papahinga na po ako." paalam ko.

Mabilis siyang nag-angat ng tingin sa akin. "You should go at the garden first."

Kumunot ang noo ko. "Why?"

He just smiled and dismissed me so I could go there. Kahit pagod at gusto na magpahinga ay pumunta pa rin ako roon. Siguraduhin lang nilang hindi na ako mai-stress lalo sa kung ano ang narito sa garden.

Kumunot ang noo ko nang mapansing nakabukas lahat ng ilaw at lanterns na nasa puno at pati na ang mga post lights. Mas lalo akong nagtaka nang may nakitang red picnic blanket na nakalapag sa damuhan namin. May basket din doon at may mga nakahandang pagkain. Anong meron?

"Hi."

"Fck!" napaigtad ako dahil sa gulat at napahawak sa aking dibdib.

"I'm sorry startled you." He chuckled while holding a... a bouquet? What? A bouquet?

"What's that?" sabay turo ko sa hawak niya.

"Bouquet... ahm... for you." Inabot niya sa akin.

Medyo duda pa ako at nagpabalik-balik ang tingin ko kay Drake at sa hawak niya. Dahan-dahan kong inabot ang bulakbulak sa kaniya at kapagkuwan ay tinignan siya.

"A-ahm, thank you."

He smiled widely. "Welcome."

Lumingon ako sa picnic blanket.

"What's this? Anong trip mo?" mabagal kong tanong. Iniisip kung date ba 'to at sinurprise niya ako?

"Date."

Tumaas kaagad ang kilay ko at napabalik ang tingin sa kaniya.

"Date?"

Mahina siyang napatawa dahil sa reaksyon ko at ginaya niya ako papunta sa picnic blanket para umupo. Kinuha niya rin ang bulaklak na nasa akin at inilapag 'yon sa gilid para hindi maging sagabal. Ako naman ay sinusundan lang ng tingin ang mga galaw niya. Parang hindi nagsi-sink kung anong nangyayari ngayon sa akin.

"So how was your task? Tapos na ba?"

Saglit lang siyang tumingin sa akin at may binuksang Tupperware mula sa basket

"Ahm yeah. Tapos na... Thank you for your help pala."

Uh... yeah... I asked him to hack on the CCTV's of the Wagner's company... and I'm glad I did 'coz his assistance really helped me to finish my task as soon as possible.

"Yep, no worries."

Kung hindi dahil sa ginawa ni Drake hindi ko sana makikita na lagi palang dinadalhan ng tubig si Zed sa office niya. Kung tutuusin ang plano lang ay pag-aralan ang loob ng office ni Zed in case na may pwede akong madampot doon kapag pumunta na ako, pero walang CCTV sa office niya. I wondered why.

Drake also helped me find the blindspot at the company and in sorting which employees that intereacted with Zed, the most. Nakokonsensiya tuloy ako dahil hindi niya pa rin tapos mga gawain niya sa school dahil sa ginawa niyang pagtulong.

"Tikman mo, ginawa ko 'yan." He smiled at me and offered a sandwhich.

Inabot ko 'yon. "Okay..."

I looked away and took a bite while he was watching me having a taste test.

"Masarap ba?" he asked hopefully after I swallowed.

Kumunot ang noo ko. "Yes, hindi mo ba tinikman?"

"Tinikman pero baka lang hindi mo gusto."

I looked at him apologetically. We both agreed that we would really give it a try and he was giving so much effort... It's not that I didn't want it... but I knew it was so much and I knew I didn't deserve it.

Ngumiwi ako at tinignan ang mga hinanda niya. "Hindi ka ba busy? Nag-abala ka pa para rito."

"It's okay. I knew you were stressed because of your task. I just wanted to at least make you... happy."

I felt my heart melted with a bit of pain... a pain that was good.

"Ahm, thank you but you don't have to do this."

"Oh..." he sounded disappointed. "Ayaw mo ba?"

Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kaniya. I waved my hands in front of me to disagree. "No. It's not like that. Kasi 'di ba..." I pursed my lips. "Alam ko namang hindi ka pa tapos sa mga gawain sa school."

Lumiwanag ang mukha niya nang marinig ang sagot ko.

"I thought you didn't like it." He chuckled. "Don't worry, it's okay. Hindi ka pa rin naman tapos. Sabay na lang tayo gumawa mamaya."

Why is he being like this?

"Thank you." I said sincerely.

He winked and chuckled. "Your welcome."

Luh, parang tanga!

Napairap ako at napatawa dahil sa ginawa niya. Kinuha ko na lang ang basket at nangalkal pa ng dala niyang pagkain. I found a wine so I opened it and pour it to the two glasses of wine that I also found inside. I gave the other to him and we cheered.

"Para saan ba 'yong DNA?" tanong niya.

I shrugged, wasn't looking at him.

"Hindi pa ako official sa organization kaya hindi ko masasagot ang tanong mo. They don't usually share further information with me. Though they want me to be trained, so they're giving me some task like the previous one. Inutusan lang nila akong kumuha ng pang-DNA sample niya." I looked at him. "Ang weird ng fam ko, 'no?" Tumawa ako nang mapakla.

He just looked at me, waiting for the other things I wanted to say. Muli kong binalik ang tingin sa bermuda grass.

I took breath to gather my words.

"Kasalanan ko rin naman daw kung bakit kukunin kina Jaylor ang hacienda kaya ako ang inutusan nila."

They wanted to slam my mistake on my face and to make up for it by doing what they've asked me to. But excuse them, it wasn't just me. Kasali rin naman si Jaylor. Duh, it takes two to tango. He had a choice not to be with me but he did it anyway that's why I also continued 'coz he chose me over his girlfriend. So hindi lang dapat ako ang sisihin!

It should be 'may kasalanan ka rin naman.'

"Paano kapag napahamak ka?" he asked with so much concern.

Natawa ako sa kaniya. "Hindi, 'no! Wala ka bang bilib sa akin? I can handle myself." Uminom ako ulit ng wine ko. "Bata pa lang ako mino-mold na nila ako para maging kagaya nila. They expect me to inherit their works... but I don't want that."

Muli ko siyang tinignan. "Ikaw, gusto mo bang ipagpatuloy ang ginagawa ng parents mo?"

He smirked and shook his head. "Hell, no." Napainom siya sa wine niya at inubos 'yon, mukhang na-stress siya sa naging tanong ko.

"Then... we should run away."

He swallowed the wine, hard. Napatingin siya sa akin dahil sa sinabi ko. He tried to hide the shock in his face but it was visible on his eyes. Saglit kaming nagtitigan at napaiwas ako ng tingin nang ma-realize kung anong sinabi ko. Fck! I didn't mean to say like we elope! I mean... Fck. Whatever.

I cleared my throat and started another convo just to make him forget what I've said. Buti nakisabay na lang siya sa mga pinagsasabi ko, ramdam niya rin siguro na gusto kong ibahin ang usapan.

Medyo nakalahati na namin ang wine nang mapagpasiyahan na naming tumigil sa pag-inom no'n at mag-stargazing na lang.

"Feeling ko, hindi tayo makakagawa ng mga assignments mamaya." I chuckled while looking at the sky.

He giggled. "I know... pero okay lang 'yon. Kung bumagsak ka, babagsak din ako." Napatawa kaming dalawa. "Sabay nalang tayong umulit ng isang taon!" he said excitedly, natuwa pa talaga siya.

"No! Ayoko na kayang umulit. Bukas dapat maaga tayong gumising para matapos natin lahat."

"Sige, mag-a-alarm ako ng napakarami para magising tayo."

It felt good having someone who I could talk to in times like this. It was very nice having Drake beside me. I wondered why we didn't do this before...

"Drake, thank you..." I said sincerely.

"Kanina ka pa nagti-thank you."

I smiled. "I just want to make sure you know that I appreciate your efforts."

I never felt this comfort with Jaylor before. Alam ko namang hindi rin siya gano'n kaseryoso dahil no'ng nalaman niyang mayroon akong boyfriend, which is Drake, he dumped me. Ang gago niya lang dahil hindi niya rin naman sinabi na may JV siya. No'ng nalaman kong may gf siya, hindi ko siya iniwan at pinaglaban ko pa rin siya kahit na alam kong masasaktan ko nang husto si JV.

I wanted to be mad because of what he did but I'm still thankful because I felt free when I did that decision with him. However, I wasn't proud I hurt someone...

"I'm so selfish, Drake. Ang sama ko."

I saw on my peripheral view how he turned his head at me.

"Don't say that..."

The side of my eyes felt like burning because of the tears. Ang tanga-tanga ko nga talaga. Sa sobrang kagustuhan kong patunayan sa sarili ko na kayang kong magdesisyon para sa sarili ko, nakasakit ako ng ibang tao. They said follow what your heart wants... but maybe I was just so desperate to follow my heart for once... and when I did, it was wrong.

I thought it was worth it because I felt my freedom, but now... I don't think that way anymore. I hurt and disappointed so many people and now I'm in the prison of shame and guilt.

Maybe it wasn't really worth it after all and I was just convincing myself that it was— because of the thought that I've finally made a decision for myself. But there was no reason left to convince myself that I made the right decision somehow because I was happy.

Niloloko ko lang ang sarili ko dahil takot akong tanggapin na nagkamali ako sa nagawa ko.

I was wrong and I should stop justifying what I did with at least I felt free for once because it also means that I was happy with what I did with Jaylor even if I don't anymore. I couldn't be happy with that memories as he was my cousin.

"Kung nag-date na lang kasi sana tayo noon edi sana ikakasal na tayo 'pag 18 mo." panloloko ni Drake nang yakapin niya ako.

Kahit naiiyak ay napatawa ako at sinakyan ang trip niya. "How I wish we just flirted each other then."

Mahina siyang napatawa. "We could still flirt, don't worry. Remember, I asked your father for one and a half of year so could really get to know each other and give it a try for real, because we didn't do it 'coz we were busy having time with someone else." Saglit akong napatawa at tumango.

I felt his cheast when he took a deep breath before he talked to me softly.

"While we're dating, we'll use that time to make you feel that you're free... Just tell me what are the things you want to do and we'll do it together..."

My heart was overwhelmed with his words. I thought I could be with myself after that night... but when my birthday came... I realized I still have to live the life that my father and grandfather want me to.

"Congratualtions!"

They all cheered and clapped their hands for me while I was standing in front of a man laying on the white tiled floor. My hand was shaking as I was holding the gun they gave to me. I tightened my grip and braced myself as I stared his blood spreading on the floor because of the perfect hole I've made on the middle of his forehead.

"Good job, daughter! I'm proud you aimed perfectly." My dad tapped my shoulders.

I wanted to cry... but I can't. I need to look like it didn't bother me 'coz I'm in front of all the high ranked members of the organization. This was my initiation to be an official. Potang ina! I just became a monster just like my father and lolo!

They were all happy as I became one of them. What I did was just normal to them. How could it be normal!? Mga gago! It was a life that I took!

"I killed a man... I-I killed a man, Drake..." my cry didn't stop as I tell him what I did.

"Hey, hey, hey..."

He hugged me very tightly. Hindi ako umuwi sa bahay at pumunta ako sa condo ni Drake. I couldn't stay there... and I didn't want to be alone either. The picture of the man pleading me to spare his life kept on running on my head. Para akong mababaliw habang paulit-ulit 'yong naalala.

When I turned 12 my dad let me watched him killed people with showing no remorse. He said I should see it at a very young age and it should be instilled in my mind. Fck! I thought it would be the most monstorious thing I could see but now that I'm 18!? He let me killed a man!?

I knew what he could do and doing... but witnessing them and making me do them too... was fcking insane!

My birthday didn't turn out as how I wished it would. Akala ko rin magkakaroon pa ako ng oras para maka-recover sa nagawa ko pero hindi... pinabalik nila ako sa base kinabukasan para ipaalam sa akin ang bago kong task. Fck!

"Another congratulation for my granddaughter!" Lolo Elijah said while sitting at his swivel chair, in front of his table.

I gave my sweet fake smile at him while I was sitting on his couch, across from his table, here in his office.

"Thank you, lolo."

He slid upward his glasses and rested it on top of his head. Lolo held a paper and extended his arm toward me. Kahit hindi ko alam kung ano 'yon ay tumayo ako at pumunta sa kaniya para abutin.

"What's this?"

I rotated the paper and read what was written.

It was the DNA test of Zed and from a man that I'm not familiar with. Kumunot ang noo ko nang makita ang pangalan ni JV na naroon. Zed and JV matched to the man named Anthony as their biological father.

Hindi ko ma-gets dahil Anthony Valeriano ang pangalan, ih Wagner sila.

Hinawi ko ang papel at tinignan ang sunod na pahina. What's this? Bakit pati mga magulang nila JV narito?

Wait... what?

Nilapit ko sa mukha ko ang papel dahil akala ko nagkamali lang ako nang basa. The result showed they were just relative to their mom and they didn't have blood connection with their dad. Huh? What the fck is this?

"This may sound quite bizarre but I'm proud of your mistake."

Tumaas ang kilay ko at tumingin sa kaniya. What does he mean?

"With you having relationship with Jaylor and leading us in this current situation made me wonder if fate was really with me."

Mas lalo akong naguluhan dahil sa pinagsasabi niya. Ano raw, proud siya sa relasyon namin ni Jaylor dati, 'yong sarili niya ring apo!? Baliw ba 'to? Atsaka anong leading na pinagsasabi niya? Saan?

"I'm not following lolo."

Lolo Elijah moved closer to his table. He intertwined his hands and lightlty tapped them on the table.

"I didn't know I could find my partner in crime slash my very trusted friend's child and grandchildren— who I thought died many years ago..." He made creppy small laughs, which gave me goosebumps.

"Three people that supposed to be dead." he said meaningfully.

"Never thought your mistake could bring surprises." Hindi nawala ang ngiti sa kaniyang labi nang sumandal siya sa kaniyang swivel chair at ipinatong ang dalawa niyang kamay sa armrest. "I'm so proud of you. I'm really proud..."

I was so confused and curious as fck.

Does he mean our family was connected with them many years before?

"This time I will make sure that they will finally die on my hands."

__________D.H