[Jaylor's POV]

I've made mistakes but this one had the cruellest consequences. It was just all fun and games until it broke some hearts, end relationships and put some people into a real danger.

Nakatungkod ang siko ko sa hospital bed. I clasped my hands together and rested my forehead on it. The whole room was about to be silent if not only to the heart defibrillator machine that was beeping.

It had been 26 hours since I had a sleep. I couldn't take a rest because of my constant thoughts that's been hunting me.

Humigpit ang pagkakawahak ko sa aking kamay habang paulit-ulit kong sinisisi ang aking sarili. Soy tan idiota. Todo esto es mi culpa. ¡Mierda! (I'm so idiot. This is all my fault. Shit!)

If I didn't cheat...

Dad wouldn't be here.

"Hey."

The punishment I'm giving to myself stopped when I heard my sister's voice. Nag-angat ako ng tingin at lumingon sa pintuan ng hospital room. Kakapasok niya lang sa kwarto habang may dalang paper bag ng isang kilalang fast food chain. She sat down at the couch, in front of a coffee table, and started to take out the food from the paper bag.

"It's dinner time, we should eat." she plainly said.

After dad rushed into the hospital, she had been acting cold. Kakausapin niya lang ako kapag kailangan.

I walked toward my sister and sat beside her. She was silent while preparing the food for the both of us since mom went home to get some rest. I told Lexy to go with her, but she insisted to stay.

Parang dinadaganan ng kung anong mabigat na bagay ang puso ko habang pinagmamasdan ko ang pagod niyang mukha. Lexy couldn't get a proper sleep.

She sniffled while putting the straws on the softdrinks. Nag-iwas ako ng tingin sa kaniya nang marinig ko sa aking utak ang kaniyang mga mahihinang pag-iyak. Madalas kapag hating gabi o kaya madaling araw ko naririnig ang mga 'yon.

I wanted to comfort her but she wouldn't let me. Mas doble ang sakit na nararamdam ko dahil nasasaktan ko ang mga taong importante sa akin dahil sa katangahanag nagawa ko.

I gathered all my strength to open my mouth as I looked at her. "Lo siento. Lo siento mucho. (I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.)"

Lexy stopped. I didn't know if she would say something but she looked down. My heart was pounding so hard, afraid for being pushed away again. Her teary eyes went at me; She gave me a soft and sad smile.

I thought she would accept my apology and we could finally comfort each other...but I was wrong.

"Your sorry can't do anything to make me, mom or dad to feel better. Your sorry won't change anything."

Mabilis niyang tinuyo ang luhang tumulo sa kaniyang pisngi. Muli niyang tinuon ang kaniyang atensyon sa harapan at inayos ang kaniyang upo para kumain.

If only I could alter what I've done in the past...

I couldn't blame how she acted toward me. Sino pa bang sisisihin sa mga kamalasang nangyayari sa amin, kun'di ako? If I didn't cheat on JV then Kuya Zed wouldn't take the hacienda away from us, Dad wouldn't be stressed in finding money just to compensate the amount of the hacienda, he wouldn't have a heart attack...

Alam ko namang napakaimportante ng hacienda sa kaniya dahil 'yon ang iniwan at inihabilin sa amin ni Lolo Ethan bago siya mawala. The hacienda was from my dad's uncle. Dad loved him so much and even considered him as if he was his real father.

"Pupunta muna akong chapel." paalam ko sa kapatid ko. Kanina pa kami tapos kumain pero hindi na naman kami nagpasinan pagkatapos no'n.

Tumango lang siya at inihiga ang kaniyang sarili sa couch. She pulled the blanket on top of her and scrolled her phone.

She was so distant. Gusto kong pagaananin ang nararamdaman niya...pero paano...kung ako rin ang rason ng sakit?

I sat at the chair after kneeling and praying. The crucifix was the only thing my eye kept on staring for a long time. Maybe it was past midnight but I don't mind staying here. Hindi ko na alam kung kanino lalapit, sa Kaniya nalang talaga...

Paulit-ulit na tumulo ang luha mula sa aking mata pero hindi ako nag-abala para punasan ito. My mind went blank but my heart is full of regret and pain. I don't know what to think anymore aside from my mistakes.

It's my fault... I know it is...

I knew it was karma...but why dad was the one who suffered? Kasalanan ko naman ang lahat kaya sana ako na lang.

Mariin akong pumikit at pinunasan ang aking pisngi. I kept my head bowed while thinking. I want to make them feel better...

I need to do something for my family, at least.

Paulit-ulit akong huminga nang malalim para pakalmahin ang aking sarili bago gawin ang matagal ko nang pinag-iisipan. I wanted to do something, kahit na maliit na bagay lang para makatulong. Ayoko na maging pabigat...

I felt so scared and ashamed that the hacienda would be totally taken from us. Ayoko na 'yong madamay pa, that's why I did what I thought was right to save it, to keep it in our family. I knew dad wouldn't approve with my idea but, that time on my mind, he wouldn't find it out unless I would tell him, right?

Hindi naman ibang tao ang pinaghingian ko ng tulong, it was his real father anyway and he said I'm always welcome to ask for his help... So I told myself that I'm just gonne tell lolo that it was just I who was asking and not dad...

He was the only person who could help us, I thought.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket and dialed the number.

I couldn't just sit there and do nothing. It was a wise choice, that time, to call and ask for his help. I didn't know yet what were the consequences it could bring to the other people I loved.

"¡A la mierda! ¡A la mierda! ¡Es tu culpa! (Fuck you! Fuck you! It's your fault!)" paulit-ulit na mura ang natanggap ko kay Lexy habang binabato niya ako ng kung ano-ano.

Hindi ako lumaban at nanatiling nakatayo sa kaniyang magulong kwarto dahil sa pagwawala niya.

She angrily pointed her forefinger on me. "Dad wouldn't die if not because of you! Tangina!" It had been one week since we buried dad...

Lexy breathed heavily, she was crying so hard... It pained me to see her like that. I couldn't do anything but to accept her anguish... I knew I deserved it and I thought lashing it out on me would help her release the pain.

Akala ko ay may tama na akong nagawa pero mas lalo lang lumalala ang sitwasyon namin dahil mali ang naging paraan ko para maisalba ang hacienda.

"Dad said, don't ever talk to that man! Don't ask for any help from him! You know how much dad doesn't want to involve with him! Ano ba ang hindi mo naintindihan doon!? Why are you so stupid!?"

But I couldn't do anything better. I didn't know where to ask for help? I was so eager to keep the hacienda. People who were closed to mom and dad dind't have enough money, unlike him who could double or triple the money we needed.

I didn't know what was the deeper reason why dad didn't want to involve himself with his father. Dad said many times that we shouldn't do anything with him. I couldn't understand why dad always acted that way. He wanted us to keep him out of our life even Lolo Elijah made so much effort to reach out to us...

"Isaksak mo sa baga mo 'yang hacienda! Wala na 'yang kwenta! Wala na si dad!"

I just wanted to do something for my family...

Bumagsak si Lexy sa lapag habang takip niya ang kaniyang mukha. Kahit na alam kong galit siya sa akin ay mas pinili ko pa ring lumapit sa kaniya.

Understanding her was more important to what I'm feeling. Mas may karapatan siyang maging ganito kaysa sa akin.

Umupo ako sa tabi niya at maingat siyang niyakap.

"I'm so sorry..."

I didn't know what to say anymore... Ilang beses na ba 'yong lumabas sa bibig ko? Hindi ko na rin alam. Mukhang wala na akong ibang alam gawin kun'di ang humingi ng tawad.

"D-dad would still be here if you didn't talk to that man..."

I thought I could at least do something for my family...to lessen the burden I was giving to them.

"You know he didn't want to see Lolo Elijah ever again!"

I know...

My tears fell down on my cheeks as I tried to suppress the pain in my heart. I wanted to explain everything to her...to tell her what exactly happened, but she had too much on her plate.

I couldn't say no to Lolo Elijah when he asked me in return to the favor I asked... He said he wanted to see his son. I knew dad didn't want laid his eyes to Lolo Elijah ever again...but in my mind, it wasn't wrong in wanting to see your son, right? He was just worried with what happened to dad.

Hindi ko alam na ang muling pagkikita nila ang magiging dahilan ng huling pagtibok ng puso ni dad. Seeing his father gave him another heart attack that killed him.

Bakit ba ako humingi ng tulong sa kaniya? Para sa hacienda. Pero para saan pa ang hacienda ngayong wala na si dad? It would just be a reminder for all the mistakes that I did.

"Jaylor, hijo..."

I stopped eating when mom called me. Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kaniya na katabi ko. She was sitting on the adjacent chair, at the end of the table.

"I know we've been through a lot lately... but I just want to remind you about your Lolo Elijah..."

I swallowed hard when I felt a sting on my chest as I remembered again what happened.

"Don't worry, mom, I won't ever talk to him..." I assured her.

She gave me a soft smile then continued eating. My eyes glanced at my sister who was sitting on the opposite side of the table. Lexy was giving me the silent treatment ever since. Hindi niya na ako kinikibo pagtapos no'ng nagwala siya sa kwarto niya.

Suddenly her phone on the table vibrated. Saglit lang siyang sumulyap doon at hindi pinansin. Pinagpatuloy niya ang pagkain niya.

Lexy sighed annoyingly when it vibrated many times like she was flooded of messages by someone. Lahat na kami napatingin doon. She looked at her phone, without letting go of the utensil in her hands, to check what was it all about. It made her face frowned after staring for a couple of seconds.

"Lexy, no phone during meals—"

"Mom, wait..." Lexy wiped her mouth with the table napkin and reached for her phone.

Kumunot ang noo ko nang bigla siyang mapatakip sa kaniyang bibig habang nanubig ang kaniyang mga mata.

Naalarma si mom. "Lexy, what's wrong?" maingat niyang tanong. Mom held her shoulders when she didn't respond, she was preoccupied on what's on her phone.

"I-it's Clement..."

Lumandas ang luha sa kaniyang pisngi. Hindi ko pa man alam ang nangyayari ay bigla na akong kinabahan.

"What happened?" mabilis kong tanong.

For the first time she looked at me, again... I wanted to be happy but I couldn't... the pain in her eyes was so visible with the unknown reason that she was about to say...

"H-he's dead."

Mom gasped. "Why? What happened?" sunod-sunod nitong tanong.

It stiffened me.

What was that? It was so sudden.

I wanted to know what happened but my mind was thinking of someone else. I saw Lexy cried. She was in panic state when she told mom about the messages. I couldn't hear it clearly when their chatters became inaudible. My mind was so busy thinking about one person— JV.

My heart pounded so hard as I imagined what could she been feeling 'bout this. Balita ko pumunta siyang Germany. Fck. Alam niya na kaya ang nangyari? It made my heart heavy as I felt her pain. Parang ako ang nababaliw dahil sa halo-halong emosyong nararamdaman ko.

I messaged her after dinner. Hindi siya nagre-reply sa mga messages ko pero nakausap ko sina Heihei at Kej. They were the ones who filled me up about what happened. Hindi ako mapakali buong gabi. Gusto ko rin sana siyang puntahan pero hindi ko magawa dahil alam kong nandoon si Kuya Zed.

I didn't want to add up on what was going on. Ayoko nang bumigat pa lalo...

"Condolence..."

I tapped JV's shoulder.

She just nodded and gave me a small smile. Saglit niya lang akong tinignan at lumipat na ang tingin niya sa iba. My heart went to pieces as I witnessed on how hard she tried to keep her tears from not falling as she accept the hugs and condolences of our other classmates.

I saw, on my peripheral view, a big movement of a person who was beside her. My gaze went to JV's brother. Kej gave him a hug and tapped his back. They had a little chitchat. Kumirot ang puso ko nang maalala ko ang pagkakaibigan naming naglaho. Gusto ko rin sana siyang bigyan ng kahit kaunting comfort pero hindi ko magawa dahil alam kong hindi niya rin naman 'yon gugustuhin.

His eyes shifted at me when Kej walked on my side. He stared at me for a couple of seconds and then looked away like he didn't even know me. It hurt, a lot. Durog na ang puso ko pero may idudurog pa pala. I wouldn't wonder if one day my heart becomes a powder.

We went home after attending Clement's little birthday celebration at Ford's residence. Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit ngayon pa nila naisipang ilibing si Clement sa araw ng kaniyang kaarawan. Maybe ahm— ugh whatever. Marami pa akong iniisip at hindi ko na 'yon gustong idagdag pa.

Naunang pumasok si Lexy sa bahay pagkatapos kong ma-park ang sasakyan sa garahe.

"Mag-i-enroll ka na ba—"

Binilisan niya bigla ang pag-akyat sa hagdan at malakas niyang pinadyak ang kaniyang mga paa para hindi niya marinig ang sasabihin ko at makaiwas sa usapan.

Gusto ko lang namang tanungin kung kailan siya magpapa-enroll. All I just wanted was to have at least a little chitchat with my sister. I tried talking to her, many times, but she would always find reasons to make our conversation very short as possible. Gano'n niya na ba ako kinamumuhian?

Malalim ang aking naging paghinga, umaasang kahit papaano mabawasan ang bigat sa aking puso.

Ang sakit... pero sino ba ako para magreklamo?

Mahina akong napatawa para iwala ang lungkot na nararamdaman ko nang makapasok ako sa aking kwarto. Napatulala ako sa kawalan habang nakasandal sa likuran ng aking pinto. Nag-init ang sulok ng aking mga mata habang iniisip kung gaano ako kawalang kwenta. My knees felt like noodles. Hindi ko napigilan ang pag-upo sa lapag. Sumandal ako sa pinto. I let my head tilted on my side.

"Fck."

Napamura na lang ako kasabay nang pagpikit ko ng aking mga mata. It hurts so much. Hindi ko na alam saan huhugot ng lakas. Everyone around me hates me, aside from mom; She always made sure I'm okay...but I know deep down she also blamed me.

I wanted to die to escape from the pain... but I couldn't take my own life; The pictures of my mom and sister always crossed my mind. Kahit na alam kong ayaw na nila sa akin, alam kong masasaktan ko sila sa gagawin ko. Felt the tears running down to my cheeks when I let out small chuckle because of that thought. Masasaktan ba talaga sila o baka 'yon lang ang iniisip ko kasi umaasa akong may pakialam pa sila sa akin?

I took a sleeping pill and went to bed without changing my clothes. I kept my black slacks and black dress shirt. The toughts in my head kept messing me 'til the pill kicked in. Suicide couldn't help but sleep could at least help me escape the reality for a bit.

Kahit na gusto ko nang mawala sa mundo may parte pa rin sa aking sumisigaw na hindi 'yon ang sagot. I've hurt so many people and I don't want to leave them like that. I should be responsible. I need to make it up to them. Nasaktan ko sila, kailangan kong makabawi man lang.

My head was spinning as I let myself felt the drowsiness. How pity of I wishing it would be over when I woke up...even if I knew it wouldn't...

"Open your door."

Napahinto ako sa pag-i-scroll sa aking phone. Mabilis na nalukot ang mukha ko at napatingin sa gawi ng aking pinto nang marinig ang boses ni Steccy. Kahit nagtataka ay tumayo ako mula sa aking pagkakahiga sa kama.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit siya nandito. Walang ni isang rason ang pumasok sa utak ko.

I opened my door a bit.

"What are you doing here?"

She raised a brow and rolled her eyes. Steccy pushed me aside and entered my room like she owned it. My gaze followed her with confusion as I closed my door.

"Wow, hi. This is my room?" I sarcastically said.

Hindi niya pinansin ang sinabi ko. Saan ba siya galing at naka-all black siya? Long-sleeves, pants and boots? She looked like an agent on a mission. I didn't bother to ask, she wouldn't tell me anyway.

She removed her ponytail and let her black straightened hair down. Nagtungo siya sa study area ko at pabagsak na umupo sa aking swivel chair. She swirled my chair like a boss to face me. She crossed her legs and put both of her hands on the armrest.

"Did you know that JV was kidnapped, like a week ago, before Clement had his funeral?" she calmly said like it wasn't a big deal.

Tumaas ang kilay ko sa kaniya. Mag-aalala na sana ako kung hindi sa kaniya galing. She was just messing up with me.

"Really? Kunwari naniwala ako."

Natawa siya. Kinuha niya ang kaniyang phone sa bulsa niya at binato sa akin. Mabilis ko 'yong sinalo nang hindi tumama sa mukha ko.

"What am I gonna do with this?"

"Kainin mo." Umirap siya. "Malamang buksan mo!" irita niyang sabi.

Ang daming arte. Agad kong binuksan ang phone niyang walang password at tumambad sa akin ang litrato ni JV na nakagapos at may nakatutok na baril sa kaniya.

"Fck."

Mabilis na nagtungo ang mata ko sa kaniya. "What happened!? What's this? Where did you get this picture?"

She let a sighed and looked at her nails. "Thank me for she was okay. I was there when it happened and I helped her."

Natameme ako. Is she joking?

Steccy looked at me and crossed her arms on top of her chest. Hindi ko alam kung pinagtritripan niya ba ako dahil kalmado lang ang kaniyang mukha.

"Can you tell me what happened?"

Imbes na sagutin niya ang tanong ko ay iba ang lumabas sa bibig niya.

"Can you sit down? It's bothering me." Tinignan niya ang divan sofa na nasa paanan ng aking kama para sabihing doon ako maupo.

Umirap ako at sinunod ang kaniyang kahilingan.

"Now, what?" tanong ko pagkaupo ko roon.

"So impatient." she muttered.

How can I not be impatient? It was JV we were talking about.

"You still don't know what really happened when you called Lolo Elijah for help, ano?" Ngumisi siya habang naiiling.

"What do you mean?"

Ngumiwi siya habang tinatapik ng kaniyang hintuturo ang kaniyang labi. "What do I mean?" she mimicked annoyingly.

Humalukipkip siyang muli. "No offense but you really are an idiot like Lexy said. Your dad already told you don't ask for his help, yet you still did. For what, to save the hacienda?" Mahina siyang natawa.

"I know you wanted redemption that's why you asked for his help to save the hacienda. Alam naman nating dalawa na kasalanan mo naman talaga ang lahat kaya gusto mong makabawi sa kahit anong paraan." she bluntly said, didn't care if I get hurt.

Nag-iwas ako ng tingin. I couldn't disagree... Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit niya 'yan alam kung wala naman akong pinagsabihan. Gano'n na ba kahalata na sobrang desperado na akong makagawa ng tama?

"Alam mo namang mali ang paraan pero bakit mo pa rin ginawa?" Tumawa siya. "Dapat sinisi mo rin ako kung bakit kinuha sa inyo ang hacienda— kasama mo naman ako sa pananakit sa ex mo 'di ba? At least I would've known and asked Drake to help you, then you wouldn't have asked for Lolo Elijah's help."

"Drake, your fiancé?" Tumaas ang kilay ko at umiling. "No, thanks."

She arched her brows out of amusement. "Selos?" pang-aasar niya. Kadiri.

"Ew. If only I knew you're my cousin I wouldn't have done some things with you."

"Duh, same here. Ew."

I rolled my eyes.

"Bakit ka nga nandito?" pag-iiba ko dahil palihis na ang aming usapan.

She hummed. "To let you know some things." Tumingin siya sa ibang gawi na parang nag-iisip. "You see, Jaylor, what you've done has a big part to what's happening. Lolo Elijah figured out who they really are."

Magulo na nga ang buhay ko mas lalo niya pang pinagugulo.

"Maybe you still don't know but Lolo Elijah was a mafia." mahinahon niyang pagpapaalam sa akin.

I stayed still, waiting for her to say kidding.

Steccy let a heavy sighed. "Okay, let me brief you about this 'coz you really know nothing. For fuck's sake." Umirap na naman siya. Hindi ba sumasakit ang mata niya kaka gano'n?

"That's the reason why uncle— your dad— didn't want to be with Lolo Elijah 'coz he doesn't agree to what Lolo Elijah's been doing for a very long time. Clearly, it was also the reason why he went to Lolo Ethan because Lolo Ethan didn't want to be involve with mafia things. On the other hand, Lolo Elijah and my dad share the same understanding on what they're doing and if you're wondering why I know this, duh I grew up with having them as my guardian or parents. Whatever you may call it."

Ito ba ang pilit nilang tinatago sa amin ng kapatid ko?

"Well, JV and her brother are also from a mafia fam. Lolo Elijah didn't know that before but then you butt in and asked for his help, because of the hacienda, and you also told about the details. So he investigated about the situation and learned so many things— with the company of your ex-girlfriend and their real identity." She leaned a bit as if there was someone who would eavesdrop. "What a bomb. Hindi naman talaga nila parents ang kasama nila ngayon. Their real mom is already dead and their mom right now is the sister of their real father."

Huminga siyang malalim, mukhang tapos na magkwento at napagod. Muli siyang sumandal sa upuan. "I hate telling so much stories..." reklamo niya.

Medyo sumakit ang ulo ko dahil sa mga sinasabi niya. Napabuntong hininga rin ako at pumikit kasabay nang pagmasahe ko sa aking sentido. "Can you repeat again and slow down, I'm not following. There's so many details that I think you're not saying."

"So you want me to tell the whole story? Lol. I don't want to unless you help me."

"What help do you need?" wala sa sarili kong tanong. I didn't really mean that.

"I need you to join with our organization, so we could team up and sneak. I need to bring them down."

Napahinto ako at gulat na tumingin sa kaniya. "And who will you bring down?"

"Lolo Elijah and dad."

My lips parted. Is she insane!? Anong rason niya naman para gawin 'yon sa kanila? Ayaw niya rin ba ang mga ginagawa nila?

She pointed me with her index finger. "This is your chance to get what you want, redemption. So help me."

"Why would I help you? Hindi ko pa nga naiintindahan lahat."

Umirap na naman siya, mukhang konti na lang at mauubusan na siya ng pasensya sa akin. "Just join and I'll tell you everything!" So sino ngayon ang impatient?

I stared at her. "I can't."

Kumunot ang noo niya. "Why?"

"Dad wouldn't want me to be involve with Lolo Elijah. My mom warned me too. Ayoko na silang madismaya pa nang tuluyan sa akin. I've caused them so much pain... Kahit ito na lang ang magawa ko para sa kanila."

"Jaylor, you're already involve and to be frank it all started because of you. Kung ayaw mo na silang masaktan, especially JV, then help me end this."

Alam ko, hindi mo na kailangang isampal pa sa akin.

"How sure are you that we could end this? Sa'yo na nanggaling; Lolo Elijah is a mafia, same as your dad. They're a team. Wala akong masyadong alam sa ganyan at sigurado naman akong hindi rin gano'n karami ang kaalaman mo sa ganyang bagay."

Tumaas ang kilay niya at napangisi. "Don't underestimate me."

Umiling ako sa kaniya at humiga sa aking divan sofa.

"Your insane." bulong ko habang nakatingin sa kisame.

"Clement also died because of Lolo Elijah..."

Kumunot ang noo ko at tumingin sa kaniya. "Clement?"

Tumango siya.

Napabangon ako at tinignan siya nang diretso. "Then you know something about Clement's accident?"

"Yes."

I pursed my lips, thinking what would be the possible reason...

"We need to take them down and I'm asking for your help 'coz I can't do it alone. I need someone that I can trust inside the organization. Please..."

She was giving so much emotion while pleading, never seen her like this except when we were together.

I contemplated after we talked. Napakaraming katanungan ang nabuo sa aking isipan dahil sa hindi sinabi lahat ni Steccy ang tungkol sa mga nangyayari ngayon. I wanted to know more. Pumunta ako sa kwarto ni mom at kinausap siya.

Hindi ko alam kung makukumbensi ko siya pero kailangan. I need to do everything to convince her. Tama si Steccy sa akin naman talaga nagsimula ang lahat ng ito. Gusto kong makabawi sa mga 'yon, baka ito na ang hinihintay ko. Hindi na siguro mali ang gagawin kong desisyon ngayon. And I hope I could redeem myself with this.

I knew already it was dangerous. Mom disagreed many times. Ilang beses pa kaming nagtalo sa gusto kong mangyari... I even cried in front of her but I'm glad that she allowed me at the end.

"Sure ka na bang hindi ka sasama sa Spain, Jaylor?" tanong ni mom habang nauunang maglakad sa akin at nagtitingin ng mga delata sa stalls. We were at the grocery.

I stopped pushing the cart when she put the canned goods inside. Graduation was already finished. Bakasyon na at pinaplano ni Lexy na roon muna mag-stay. Alam ko naman ang rason kung bakit ayaw niya rito.

"Mom, ayaw niya nga 'wag mo na siyang pilitin. Yo puedo apañarmelas solo. (I can handle myself.)"

Wow. Siya na ang sumagot para sa akin. Takot ata siyang sumagot ako kay mom na nagbago na ang isip ko at sasama na sa kaniya sa Spain para doon mag-spend ng summer. Well, hindi ko naman 'yon gagawin dahil malinaw sa akin na gusto niyang umalis para makalayo sa akin. Kinausap niya muna ako bago niya pa sabihin 'yon kay mom para kapag tinanong ako, ang isasagot ko ay hindi ako sasama.

Lexy put some vienna sausages inside the cart and fixed the other goods to make some space for others. Sinundan ko siya ng tingin pero 'di man lang siya nag-atubiling tignan ako. Bumalik siya sa mga stalls at nagpatuloy ako sa pagtutulak nang lumipat kami sa kabila kung nasaan nakapwesto ang mga noodles.

"Iba pa rin kapag may kasama ka roon." mahinahong sabi ni mom sa kaniya.

"Abuela y abuelo están allí. (Grandma and grandpa are there.)" tamad na pakikipagtalo ni Lexy.

"Sé que mamá y papá están allí, pero aún así. (I know mom and dad are there but still.)"

To be honest I really wanted to go in Spain to spend time with her. Siya lang naman 'tong ayaw akong makasama.

Hays, ewan ko na talaga. Hindi ko na rin alam ang gagawin ko para makausap siya. Sinubukan ko na lahat nang pagpapapansin. Kahit nonsense na tanong ay sinusubukan ko na, baka sakaling sumagot pero wala pa rin talaga akong napapala.

"Why can't you just go with her, Jaylor? Wala ka namang gagawin dito."

Palihim na lang akong napatawa nang mapakla sa aking isipan. Wala naman talaga, pero ayaw niya nga akong makasama. Gusto kong sabihin kay mom na huwag niya na akong piliting sumama. Bigay niya na 'yon sa kapatid ko para kahit papaano makahinga siya at makapag-isip, baka sakaling pagbalik niya hayaan niya na akong makapagpaliwanag at hindi na ako itaboy.

"Siguraduhin mong makakauwi ka sa enrollment niyo." payo niya sa kapatid ko.

"Si, mom... (Yes, mom.)"

Ang totoo pa niyan, Lexy wanted to study and live in Spain for good but I beg to disagree. Kinausap ko si mom tungkol doon. Hindi ako pwedeng umalis dahil sa plano ko. Ayaw rin namang pumayag ni mom na magkahiwalay kaming tatlo. It's either doon kaming tatlo o rito. Syempre, hindi talaga ako pumayag. I need to finish what I've started. Kasali na ako sa organization. Kailangan ako rito.

Buti nalang at sa akin pumanig si mom. My sister couldn't do anything about it anymore so she just asked mom to let her stay there for the whole vacation period.

Lexy went to Spain. My summer was a bit productive. I spend most of my time at the gym. Doon lang ako nakaka-relax kahit na masakit sa katawan ang mga exercises. The physical pain didn't bother me as much as my emotional pain. Binuhos ko lahat ng sakit at galit na nararamdaman ko roon. Sa bawat suntok sa punching bag iniisip ko ang dating ako dahil sa mga bobong desisyon na nagawa ko.

It really helped to distract myself from the pain. I couldn't let myself crumbled. I wanted to change for the better. Church also saved my soul from the nightmares that hunted me. Time also flew faster than how I thought it would. Lexy got back from Spain. Her physical appearance changed— she was a bit tan than before and her hair was cut up to her shoulders— but not her attitude toward me; Mas lalo lang lumala. Sinundo ko nga siya sa airport pero no'ng nakita niya ako parang mukhang gusto niya lang ulit bumalik kung saan siya nanggaling.

"Kung pumunta na lang sana tayo sa Spain." rinig kong bulong niya.

Kauuwi lang naming school at nagsisimula na naman kaming magbangayan. Maybe it was I who started this fight but I don't care. Nakakapagod na ang ganito naming sitwasyon. Hanggang kailan niya ba ako tratratuhin na parang isang lason.

"We can't do that."

She bravely looked at me. "Por qué?" (Why?)

Hindi ako sumagot at tinitigan ko lang siya. Hindi rin naman siya makikinig kahit tinanong niya 'yan.

"See? You can't leave because you're crazy about her. If you really wanted to leave, you will."

Akala niya ang mapasakin muli si JV ang gusto kong mangyari dahil wala na si Clement. Hindi ako gano'n katanga para hindi makitang wala na talaga akong pag-asa kay JV. Tanggap ko nang hindi siya para sa akin. Ang gusto ko na lang ngayon ay gawin kung ano ang tama, pero paano malalaman ng kapatid ko ang rason ko kung hindi naman siya marunong makinig?

Umiling ako at tumingin sa ibang direksyon. "You know I can't do that. I need to protect her."

"Protect her?" she sarcastically said. "From who?" she chuckled. "From you?"

Fck!? From me!? Nakaka-offend. It made me angry. I looked at her sharply. My jaw was clenching and I had my fist ball.

"Kasalanan mo nga kung bakit nawala si Clement, tapos 'yan ang sasabihin mo!?"

Kasalanan ko was a big phrase to throw at me. It hurt a lot. Hindi ko rin naman ginusto ang nangyari sa kaniya. Alam kong nadamay lang din siya at naapektuhan dahil sa nauna kong desisyon.

"It's all your fault. Everything that happened, it was your fault." The tears fell down on her cheeks. "She's not the only one you've hurt, but also me!"

She was referring to JV who was hurt by the death of Clement. I know she also loved Clement and was also hurt, like JV, because of what happened...but why blame me always!? Bakit hindi niya sisihin ang magaling naming lolo na may pakana nito? Siya naman ang nagplano nang nangyari kay Clement.

Masyadong mapanakit ang mga binabato niyang mga salita sa akin. Bakit puro nararamdaman nalang niya ang iniisip niya? I'm also hurt but I didn't say anything because I knew she would just blame me and tell me I have no right to be hurt for it's all my fault.

"Are you happy that she's suffering now from the pain you've caused!?"

May tao bang masaya na makitang nahihirapan ang mga mahal nila?

"If you didn't cheat on her, maybe you're still together, and things with me and Clement would turn out differently, and dad would even be here too. Maybe all that happened will never occur if you just didn't do stupid things—"

I couldn't control my pain anymore. I just had too much... Gusto ko na lang siyang tumigil sa pagsasalita.

"I know! I know it's my fault! De puta!" And that's the only way to make her stop.

I turned around and held my hair tightly out of frustration. Yes, things whould've turned out differently if I didn't cheat! But what could I do now aside from doing what I have to do to stop all of this? Gusto niya bang ibalik ko ang nakaraan? Kung pwede lang sana, matagal ko nang ginawa, pero hindi. She kept herself locked up on the past. Hindi lang naman ako ang gustong makalimot pero paano siya makakausad kung lagi siyang nakahinto at nakatingin sa nakaraan. Fck! She needed to turn around and move forward!

"You know, nothing." mahina kong sabi.

Hindi niya naman alam lahat ng nangyari. Ang alam niya lang naman ay ang tungkol kay Clement dahil narinig niya kaming nag-uusap no'n ni Steccy— no'ng sinabi niya na ang buong katotohanan sa nangyaring aksidente. Tsaka paano niya malalaman ang lahat kung siya 'tong palaging umiiwas kapag sinusubukan kong magpaliwanag?

Tangina. Pagod na ako. Pagod na pagod. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ayaw niyang makinig sa akin.

"¿Qué es esto? (What's this?)"

I was startled and fastly wiped my tears when I heard mom's footsteps coming down on the stairs.

"Are you fighting?"

Wala ulit sumagot sa kaniya.

"You, young man and young lady, look at me." she strictly said.

Mabigat ang paghinga ko habang kinakalma ang aking sarili nang lingunin ko siya.

Nagpabalik-balik ang tingin niya sa aming dalawa ng kapatid ko. She looked so disappointed. Hindi ko alam kung sa aming dalawa 'yon o baka sa akin lang.

"You, Lexy. Why can't you listen to your brother? Ganyan ko ba kayo pinalaki ang magsisihan?"

Lexy stiffened.

"Akala mo hindi ko alam ang ginagawa mo sa kapatid mo?"

Hindi siya nakasagot habang ako ay nabigla at parang natunaw ang mataas na pader na nilagay ko sa aking puso nang hindi ko masyadong maramdaman ang sakit mula sa mga nangyari.

Gusto kong maiyak lalo nang marinig ang sinabi ni mom. I was touched. Pakiramdam ko kahit papaano nagkaroon ako ng kakampi, na may taong nakaintindi sa akin kahit na alam kong hindi ako nagsasabi sa kaniya.

"Your brother made mistakes but why do you always need to smash it right into his face? Masaya kang nasasaktan mo ang kapatid mo? May nagagawa ba 'yan?"

Walang nagsasalita sa amin at tanging paghikbi at pagsinghot lang ang tunog na maririnig mula sa amin.

Naiiling siyang tinignan kaming dalawa.

"I'm so disappointed to the both of you. You're twins...you should have your other half's back... It's very heartbreaking to see you being like this." Her voice cracked.

Mukhang marami pang gustong sabihin si mom sa amin pero hindi niya 'yon natuloy dahil naluluha na siya. Tumalikod siya sa amin at muling umakyat para hindi namin makita ang iyak na gusto nang kumawala sa kaniya.

Hinintay kong mawala si mom at marinig ang pagsarado ng kaniyang pinto sa kwarto bago lumipat ang tingin ko kay Lexy.

"Now it's not time for me to be blame. Wala kang karapatan para sabihing kasalanan ko ang lahat kaya tayo ganito dahil ni minsan hindi mo ako pinakinggan."

I walked heavily and passed her.

After that fight we mutually ignore each other. Kung ayaw niya makinig bahala na siya. Ilang beses na akong lumapit sa kaniya para magpaliwanag. I've done so much effort to lessen the pain I've caused to her... I know I hurt her so much... pero hindi lang naman siya ang nasasaktan.

Was it wrong to be hurt too even I'm at fault?

"Pst, you."

Lumingon ako nang madaanan ko si Steccy na nakatayo sa tapat ng pintuan ng minor subjects room nila JV.

Kunot noo akong pumasok sa room. We had to sit in with this class 'coz our prof didn't show up. She had an emergency yet she said our quiz still continues for tomorrow. What the fck, right? Kami nalang daw bahalang aralin 'yon. Her subject was hard and it would be difficult to self-study that's why we needed to do this.

"JV already knows, we'll gonna tell her everything later."

Pumasok na rin si Steccy sa room at gumilid kami nang hindi kami maging harang sa pintuan. 

Medyo nag-buffer pa sa utak ko kung ano ang ibig niyang sabihin dahil naiinis pa ako kay ma'am. 

"What everything?" tanong ni Lexy na nasa tabi ko dahil magkasama kaming pumasok.

Steccy's brows arched out of amusement. "Woah, 'di mo pa rin alam?" Saglit siyang napangisi at umiling. "You should learn how to listen to your brother's explanation."

Palihim akong napairap. As if she would.

Tumitig siya sa kapatid ko na parang pinag-iisipan kung ano ang magiging plano niya para sa kaniya. "Come with us later so you'll know everything. It's time for you to listen. Masyado ka nang napapakabulag sa sakit. Lahat naman tayo nasasaktan dahil dito pero bakit mas pinipili mong saktan lalo ang kapatid mo?"

Lexy didn't talk and so do I. Sinisi rin naman ako ni Steccy pero hindi ko inaasahan na ipagtatanggol niya ako sa mismo kong kapatid.

Tinignan niya ako. "You, leave."

Kumunot ang noo ko. "What?"

"Leave." mariin niyang pag-uulit.

Walang emosyon niyang tinignan ang kapatid ko. "And you shall stay, we need to talk. Your attitude is too much."

Hindi na ako umangal at iniwan na lang silang dalawa roon. Medyo natatawa pa ako sa thought na baka pagagalitan niya si Lexy dahil sa inaasta niya sa akin. It wasn't so her to intervened with our misunderstanding; She barely had care for other people, unless she had a business with them or had things that concerned them.

Or maybe she just really cares now?

Whatever it may. I just hoped that her talk was powerful enough to make my sister listen to me. I know she was a wise and smart woman, to make a nice speech, even though she was dumb in terms of love.

"Gahd, nakita ko na 'yong kwenekwento mo!"

Saglit na sumulyap ang mga mata ko kay JV nang naglakad ako pababa sa hagdan. She was talking with Timothy about something. I didn't know what it was but it must be funny since they were laughing.

Nagpatuloy ako sa paglalakad hanggang makarating at umupo sa vacant seat. Mahina akong napabuntong hininga habang iniisip ko ang saya sa mukha ni JV. She seemed happy, unlike before. I'm glad she was able to cope up and smile again...

Letting her go and be away from her was one of the good decisions I've made. It was for her and it also did a good favor for myself. Mahirap, masakit...pero alam ko naman na kung mananatili ako sa tabi niya at ipipilit ang sarili ko, masasaktan ko lang siya lalo at ang iba pa.

Nakita ko naman kung gaano siya kasaya kay Clement no'n at ayokong ipagkait ang kasiyahan sa kaniya. I admit she was happier with him than she was when we were together. That's because I know for the fact that I didn't treat her well and gave my best to make her feel that she was loved.

When dad died I'm sure it was part of my karma. Inaamin kong kapag nakikita ko siya naalala ko mga naging epekto nang nagawa ko. Ayoko na ring pahirapan pa lalo ang sarili ko no'n kaya minabuti ko nang tapusin at isarado nang tuluyan ang kabanata naming dalawa. I wanted to give her peace of mind from me even if I couldn't have mine.

My mistakes did a lot of damage to other people and even to myself. I wanna make things right and end what was happening for good. I knew dad wouldn't allow and want this to happen but I hope taking down Lolo Elijah would make him not be disappointed in me anymore. I hope I could make him proud that I'm doing this because both of us didn't like Lolo Elijah's been doing.

For Clement who wasn't here anymore because of Lolo Elijah; I also wanted to do this for the justice he deserved. Ayoko nang may madamay pang buhay ng dahil sa mga pinagggawa niya. JV loved him so much and she was very hurt that he was gone... Seeing her in pain made me more eager to bring my Lolo Elijah down.

The tought that Lolo Elijah discovered them because of me was so conscientious. Hindi ko hahayaan na mapahamak pa sila lalo nang dahil doon. This is for JV and to her family who did many good things to ours... Kahit ito man lang ang maipambawi ko sa mga naitulong nila.

"Is that all?" Kuya Zed asked seriously.

"Yes, that's my part on the whole story."

My heart felt heavy as he talked to me like we didn't even become friends... We used to be closed before. Kahit na hindi ko alam ang totoong pagkatao niya noon, tinuring niya pa rin akong kaibigan at parang isang kapatid na.

Looking back was so painful... I thought it was just JV that I lost but I was wrong... I lost my friend...my father...my sister...and worst myself...

Our attention went to Steccy when she spoke. "Okay, I think it's my turn to tell my part of the story." natatamad niyang sabi.

She gave us a fake smile. Seemed like she really hated to tell stories, good luck with that. Madami pa naman siyang alam. And I know she didn't tell me everything, she just told me what concerned me.

__________D.H.