[JV's POV]

"Kanina ka pa tahimik."

Naagaw ni Timothy ang pansin ko mula sa pagtunganga sa bintana ng kaniyang kotse.

Lumingon ako sa kaniya.

Timothy was bothered while looking straight at the road.

I shook my head and smiled a bit. "Nothing, just tired. I didn't get enough sleep last night." palusot ko.

Pauwi na kami galing sa iisang subject na pinasukan namin kanina, pero may kailangan pa kaming daanang dalawa kaya sumabay na ako sa kaniya.

Alas kwatro na nang hapon at patungo kami sa dati naming eskwelahan para kumuha ng requirement sa registrar na nire-request ng university.

"Hmm, okay." sagot niya nang ihinto ang sasakyan sa tapat ng pedestrian lane bago mag-crossing.

We were both silent while waiting for the go signal on the stop light.

People from two opposite pavements started passing by in front of Timothy's car to cross the road— some of them were students, taking their time walking with their friends while chitchatting, others were alone and walking with big steps. The vehicles, however, after the pedestrian, were fast and furious to chase the time and cross the road, none of them were driving slowly.

Salitan ang mata ko kung sino at ano ang susundan nito, kung ang mga tumatawid bang tao o 'yong mga sasakyang matutulin ang patakbo.

My attention was diverted to Timothy's hand when I saw his fingers tapping the steering wheel lightly, but I immediately looked away.

Maybe his thinking something to say too, to lessen the awkwardness.

Nakita ko sa aking pheripheral view na may hinugot siya sa kaniyang slacks. Kapagkuwan ay may inabot siya. "Here."

Tinignan ko 'yon, isang barnut. "Yan na lang natira, sa'yo na lang."

"Thank you." Kinuha ko 'yon at agad ding kinain.

Natahimik na naman kami pagkatapos no'n.

"I heard you slept in his unit." sambit niya pagkatapos ng ilang segundo.

Bumaling ako sa kaniya. "Ah, oo."

Ah... okay so tahimik na naman kami. What should I say?

I wanna talk to him but I don't know where to start. Gusto ko na ring masabi sa kaniya ang nararamdaman ko. Ayoko na ring patagalin, ayoko na rin namang makaramdam ng ganito sa kaniya. It's uncomfortable to avoid him.

The green light flashed on the stop light. Timothy drove again.

"Are you okay?" he tried to sound casual like everything was normal but I knew he could feel that I wanted to say something.

Tumingin ako sa daan at tumango. "Yep!" I tried to sound with enthusiasm.

Gahd, that should've been my opportunity to say no, and started to speak.

"Are you sure?" may pag-aalinlangan niyang tanong. Hindi rin siya kumbinsido sa naging sagot ko sa kaniya.

I bit the insides of my lips.

Ilang segundo pa akong nanahimik. Pangiwi-ngiwi bago siya bigyan ng sagot.

"Actually, I'm not."

He smirked. "I know..."

I stayed silent and looked down at my hands that were on top of my lap. And the tip of my heels kept clicking against each other. I was thinking what should I say first.

"What's bothering you?" mahinahon niyang tanong.

"Many things."

"Like what?"

He's trying to help me to let those things out of my chest, bit by bit.

"My emotions."

"What kind of emotions?"

Napalabi ako. "Tampo." bulong ko.

Napahinga ako nang malalim.

There I said it! Gahd, what a relief.

"Why?"

I hummed. "Because you kept Clement from me..."

Siya naman ngayon ang napatahimik.

I played my own fingers and stop clicking my heels against each other. Tumingin ako sa bintana tsaka nagpaliwanag.

"I'm gonna admit and won't deny it anymore, I felt angry toward you and my brother. Asking myself how you could do that to me— lying in front of my face about his life. You both know how much I love him." Bahagya akong tumingin sa itaas at kumurap para pigilan ang namumuong luha sa aking mga mata.

Gahd, basta kapag siya ang pinag-uusapan hindi ko mapigilang maging emosyonal.

I sighed. "But I'm not angry anymore, just tampo..."

"I'm sorry..."

"I know you're sorry." Nilingon ko siya at binigyan siya ng ngiti pero nawala rin iyon nang naalala ko pa ang iba niyang mga ginawa. "But I'm still nagtatampo. You know... when we were kids, you left without saying goodbye—"

"I did say goodbye—"

Matalim ko siya tinignan. "But you said you'll come back, yet you didn't." sumbat ko.

Timothy let a heavy breath, sign of surrender.

Umirap ako at tumingin sa daan. "As I was saying, you left with goodbye and saying you'll come back, yet you didn't." mariin kong sabi. "But that's fine now, I already heard your explanations however I just want to bring it up for my next topic."

"And that's about Clement's life..."

Pakiramdam ko ay pinapagalitan ko siya dahil kapag ako ang nagsasalita rinig na rinig pero kapag siya halos pabulong na.

"Yes, and you lied about that. Bigla ka na ngang nawala no'n nang pinapaasa mo akong babalik ka pero 'di ka bumalik. It took so many years for you to be able to stand right in front of my face yet you still lied about your identity. Tapos no'ng sumunod naman, nawala si Clement tapos pinaniwala niyo akong patay na siya, na wala na talaga akong mahahagkan na Clement kahit kailan." Naiiling akong huminga nang malalim. "Hope and desperation. What's next?" puno ng sarkasmo ang tanong ko.

Hindi siya sumagot.

"Anong kasinungalingan na naman ang ilalatag niyo?"

His grip from the steering wheel tightened.

"Para niyo akong pinaglalaruan." mahina kong sabi pero sinigurado kong narinig niya 'yon.

"It's not like that..." nagsusumamo niyang sabi.

"I know! But you can't blame me to feel that way! You could've said something else, you could've given me some information and told me to not ask further instead of lying, because I'm sure I'll understand."

Kinalma ko ang aking sarili.

"You're the first person that isn't blood related to me nor family member that I've trusted, yet you broke my heart. Then you did it, again. May susunod pa ba? Kasi hindi na kita bibigyan ng susunod pa pagkatapos nito."

Pinagilid niya ang sasakyan at hininto 'yon.

Iniiwas ko ang aking tingin sa kaniyang gawi.

"Alam ko na may mga rason ka, pero para kasing binabalewala mo lang 'yong samahan natin dahil sa pagtatago mo ng napakaraming bagay. Ako lang ata ang nag-iisip na malapit tayo sa isa't isa. Guess we're not that close enough, huh?"

"Of course we're close! And I'm not neglecting our friendship..."

I know.

"But why do you have to do that, you making me feel like I'm just somebody else... Ang daya na ako lagi ang nagshi-share sa'yo nang nararamdaman ko pero ikaw 'di ka man lang nagshi-share... Hindi naman sa pinipilit kitang magsabi, pero parang gano'n ang tunog ko sa ngayon—"

I heard him giggled.

I glared at him. "Ba't ka tumatawa?"

Tinignan niya ako at umiling. "Nothing."

Umirap ako. "Whatever, alam ko namang mas gusto mong sarilihin ang mga bagay, pero minsan magsabi ka naman para may alam ako at hindi ako nagiging insensitive—"

"Hindi ka naman insensitive kapag may nasabi kang bagay na akala mo ay wala lang sa akin dahil wala kang alam tungkol doon. Don't think too much, okay?" He took a deep breath. "Of course I might be hurt if you did, but I'll explain for you to understand."

"Sasabihin mo rin naman pala bakit 'di mo na lang sabihin kaagad para maiwasan kong magsabi ng kung ano mang tungkol sa mga bagay-bagay? Katulad no'ng tungkol kay Clement na akala ko... hindi siya gano'n kaimportante sa'yo tapos kapatid mo pala."

Couple of seconds passed before he talked.

"Hindi ko sinabi kaagad— noong mga panahong akala mo patay na siya— na kapatid ko siya dahil alam kong iisipin mo na dapat hindi mo ipakitang ikaw lang ang nawalan, na ikaw lang ang nahihirapan. Magi-guilty kang maglabas ng lungkot mo sa akin dahil kapatid ko siya at iisipin mong mas nahihirapan ako sa pagkawala niya."

Tumingin ako sa kaniya. "Are you psych?" wala sa sarili kong tanong. How can he read me like that?

Naiiling siyang tumawa. "No, I just know you, how fragile and soft your heart is." Kapagkuwan ay nagseryoso siya ulit at nawala ang mapanlokong ngiti sa kaniyang labi. "Ayokong sabihin no'n dahil gano'n ang mararamdaman mo, at ayoko 'yong mangyari dahil makokonsensiya ako lalo kapag inisip mo ang nararamdaman ko keysa sa'yo. Alam kong iko-comfort mo ako— na tingin ko ay hindi ko deserve no'ng mga panahong 'yon dahil tinatago namin sa'yo ang katotohanan."

Muli akong tumingin sa labas ng bintana.

"Kaya nga dapat sinabi niyo na lang sana sa akin no'ng una palang nang nadoon tayo sana para sa isa't isa. We could've been there together while waiting for him to wake up." Hindi ko maiwasang lumabas sa boses ko ang pagkadismaya. "Why kept it when you would gonna tell me too sooner?"

"Because of reasons?"

"Then give me the reasons." I sounded authoritative.

"About the first thing, I already said my reasons—"

"I know, so explain the next one."

"About my brother's life... I know I was wrong to not say anything, but your brother talked to me."

Nilingon ko siya. "And what?"

Nagbaba siya ng tingin. Ayaw niyang makita ko ang lungkot sa mga mata niya pero rinig ko naman 'yon sa kaniyang boses. "Kuya Zed asked me to not tell you because he didn't want to get your hopes up for nothing, and so did I."

"I was convinced to not tell you. I don't want to give you a false hope, just like him, 'coz I could already felt the different kind of pain before— just the thought of thinking he wouldn't open up his eyes ever again while waiting for him that time, was devastating."

He looked right into my eyes and I saw the emotions his trying to hide from me, sadness and pain. "Alam ko ang pakiramdam ng paulit-ulit na umasa pero paulit-ulit ding nabibigo..."

"When you were finding Clement..."

"Yes... And I don't want you to feel that," Nanubig ang mga mata niya. "but I was wrong, I should've stepped up and told Kuya Zed that you had the right to know, I know he knew it too but we were too clouded of our own nightmares to see you in pain, to see you losing your mind slowly. We thought it would be wiser to break you in one shot so in case he didn't wake up, it will not make any difference to you, you wouldn't be in so much pain than you did." Nangilid ang luha ko habang nakikinig sa kaniya. "Hope after hope but nothing in return would ruin you."

"I know it would ruin me but you could've trusted me to handle those..."

He nodded and looked away. "Yes, we should've..."

Huminga siya nang malalim para humugot ng lakas sa susunod niyang sasabihin. "Seeing him on bed, was like a torture, and that was our reason— both of us, your brother— we didn't want you to suffer like that." Tumingin siya sa kawalan. "Para akong unti-unting pinapatay habang tinitignan siyang nahihirapang lumaban sa buhay niya." Tumulo ang luha mula sa kaniyang mga mata at sumilay roon ang lahat ng paghihirap at sakit na naranasan niya noon.

"Our parents even brought the idea to let him go, I knew they didn't want that, so I said no. They just needed the push to lift them up and have their hope and faith back again. It took us so long to finally found him, I can't let him go... I won't let him go."

Napapikit siya at napasandal sa headrest ng kaniyang kinauupuan.

Tinakpan niya ang kaniyang mata gamit ang kaniyang braso habang patuloy siya sa kaniyang mahihinang paghikbi.

"Umaga hanggang gabi, lagi akong nagdadasal na sana magising na siya. Ang hirap na makita siyang nandoon na walang kasiguraduhan kung babalik pa siya sa rati at makakasama namin siyang mabuhay. I was so scared..." His voice cracked. "but I always reminded myself to hold on and not let him go. Sa tagal ng panahon na hinanap namin siya, no'ng mga oras pa ba 'yon kami susuko?"

Pinunsan niya ang kaniyang luha at pinatong ang kaniyang kamay sa armrest. Nanatiling nakapikit ang kaniyang mga mata habang kinakalma ang kaniyang pag-iyak.

Maingat kong hinawakan ang kaniyang braso. "I'm sorry, Timothy..."

He nodded. "Don't worry, I'm fine. I just remember the pain, but it's okay..."

Kinagat ko ang aking labi at nanatiling tahimik. I don't know what to say.

Maya't maya'y tinignan niya ako at hinawakan ang aking kamay. Pinakatitigan niya ako ng may sinsiredad sa kaniyang mga mata. "We didn't mean to hurt you, Tasia..." Walang pasabing tumulo ang luha sa aking mga mata. I could feel how sorry he was. "I'm sorry I hurt you so many times... I'm so sorry..."

Inabot ko siya para yakapin. Lumapit rin siya nang hindi ako mahirapan sa aking posisyon at niyakap niya rin akong pabalik.

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry I was so selfish to think so much of my pain."

"It's okay, you don't have to be sorry..." Hinagod niya ang likuran ko.

Napailing ako.

"That's why I didn't brought up what I felt until you tell me yours 'coz I know you would be like this, you'll feel guilty."

"It does make me guilty, my feelings doesn't even reach how painful yours was for me to complain."

"You're not complaining..." Marahan niyang hinaplos ang likuran ko. "It's okay to feel things, it's valid... Don't be scared to say things, even if it's from small things that upset you, it's okay. We're all different with our own beliefs and understanding, we take things differently and interpret them in our own way, so don't compare so much what you feel to what others do. Hindi naman paligsahan kung sino ang may mas maraming problema at walang quota kung gaano kabigat ang nararamdaman mo para lang masabi na valid 'yon at maipahayag mo."

My cry subdued yet I sniffled.

"I'm just—"

Hinawakan niya ang magkabilaan kong balikat, inilayo niya ang kaniyang katawan sa akin para tignan ako. Hindi na siya umiiyak.

Kunot niya akong tinignan. "You should learn how to admit and accept, sometimes you don't need to justify things. You'll look more defensive, just as now." Hindi siya makapaniwalang napailing.

Huminga siya nang malalim. "Alam ko rin na no'ng umamin ako sa'yong ako ang kababata mo, nakaramdam ka rin ng galit at inis."

"Yes, I did. But it doesn't matter—"

"It doesn't matter 'coz you already heard my reasons, and that's okay for you, but not to me. You should've said how it made you feel." mariin niyang sabi.

"Clement was gone that time, I don't want to push you away, too. I couldn't lose more..."

He tsked. "It wasn't that you were pushing me if you would've told me about it. I'm not easily swayed."

Hindi na lang ako sumagot dahil alam kong may punto siya at hindi siya magpapatalo.

"At no'ng nalaman mo rin ang tungkol kay Clement alam kong mas mabigat ang naramdaman mo kumpara no'ng una, yet you set aside those feelings 'coz you don't want to be too dramatic about it, what's important for you— Clement is alive, and I get that." Kapagkuwan ngumiwi siya. "But after that you seemed to be..." Tinagilid niya ang kaniyang ulo na para bang iniisip ang tamang salita na lalabas sa kaniyang bibig.

"You seemed to be distant. And I've read that suppressing or denying or rejecting your feelings or emotions would make you disconnected to yourself and to other people."

Nag-iwas ako ng tingin, at least kahit tingin man lang nakaiwas ako, dahil sapol na sapol ako sa sinabi niya.

"Those emotions or feelings will go deep if you deny it for so long, as you may not notice." He gave me a pointed look. "I agree that sometimes there are things you should keep, 'coz it's just nonsense to say and would cause trouble. It's okay to think thoroughly if you'll let them know what's bothering you, but not so thoroughly that you would ignore it for the sake of not making them feel bad or, you, thinking it ain't comparable on what's on their plates."

"Maiintindihan ka naman namin. Staying quiet doesn't resolve anything."

"It does—"

"But not all the time," mariin niyang sabi para patigilin ako. "and what happened now, belongs to not all the time."

Napailing siya sa akin, mukhang naiirita dahil sa inasta ko. "You thought it was selfish to let your tampo be known. You never knew you are so selfless to be sorry for thinking your emotions or feelings doesn't matter 'coz it isn't deep compare to others."

Pinunasan niya ang bakas ng luha sa aking pisngi. "Cry, cry, cry." he nonchantly said. "You're so ugly just like your brother said." mahina niyang sabi, kala naman niya 'di ko narinig ih kaharap ko lang naman siya!

"Sometimes be selfish and heartless just like him."

Wala akong pag-aalinlangang hinampas ang kaniyang braso. "My kuya is sweet!" pagtatanggol ko.

Timothy looked at me blankly. "Yeah, yeah, I know." Umiling siya at humarap sa manibela. "You should see his other side."

Kumunot ang noo ko. "He's still sweet, kind and loving brother to me."

Napangisi siya. "You still defend him even if you feel tampo at him."

Umirap ako at nag-ayos ng upo. "Malamang, I love my brother." mahina kong sabi.

I heard him smirked.

Hindi na kami pumunta sa school dahil naabutan na rin kami ng alas singko sa daan habang papunta roon kanina. Masasayang lang ang oras namin kung tutuloy pa kami, kaya hinatid niya na lang ako sa bahay.

Papaakyat na ako nang hagdan pero may narinig ako na nagluluto sa kusina, nang sumilip ako ay nakita ko ang hampaslupa kong kuyang abala sa kaniyang ginagawa.

Hindi ko na pinaalam na naroon ako at dumiretso na lang ulit ako sa aking kwarto.

Binagsak ko lahat ng aking gamit sa lapag at ni-lock ang aking pinto. Pumasok ako sa bathroom at binuksan ang faucet sa bathtub. I lighted the scented candles that was placed on the white marble tiles around the tub. I get my phone to play a music and put it beside the candles.

Binudburan ko na rin ang tub ng liquid body soap at hinayaan 'yong bumula kasabay nang pagtaas ng tubig.

Yes, makakapag-relax na ulit ako!

Habang hinihintay kong mapuno ang bathtub ay sinimulan ko nang alisin ang damit ko at inipitan ng bun ang aking buhok. Nang medyo mataas na ang tubig at mukhang pwede na akong lumusong ay pumasok na ako doon habang patuloy pa rin ang pag-agos ng tubig mula sa faucet.

I let myself relaxed and slightly lied down. I crossed my legs, put both of my arms on the side of the tub and leaned on the headrest.

Nang naabot na ng tubig ang dibdib ko ay pinatay ko na 'yon. My toes under the bubbles were dancing with the lively music from my phone.

Pumikit muna ako. Na-focus ang aking atensyon sa rose scent ng kandila.

Ah, gahd. So relaxing!

Medyo napaigtad ako nang mag-ring ang aking phone.

Inabot ko ang phone na nakapatong sa tiles, bandang paanan ko.

My favorite hooman is calling...

Agad akong napangiti at sinagot ang kaniyang tawag. I put it on speaker and placed my phone on the marble beside my head.

Nag-ayos ako ng upo at isinandal ang aking likuran.

"Hi, love!" I could hear the smile on my voice.

He chuckled. "Hi, love. Miss me?"

Napanguso ako. "Of course, I miss you, always..."

"Awe... I miss you too..." he baby talked.

I couldn't help but giggled. "My Greyson is so adorable..."

"Love!" Agad niyang sabi. Napakunot ang noo ko.

"What?" nagtataka kong tanong.

"Nothing... ginugulat mo kasi ako... bigla-bigla mo akong pinapakilig..."

Napailing na lang ako habang natatawa. Napahawak ako sa aking sentido. "Ewan ko sa'yo, baliw."

"Baliw sa'yo. Wink!"

Bumaling ang tingin ko sa gawi ng aking phone. "Wink?"

"Yeah, 'coz I'm not there so you won't see it, so I shall say it."

Umirap ako habang may ngiti sa aking labi.

Gahd, what am I gonna do with you, Greyson?

"Where are you, your voice is echoing?" pagtatanong niya.

Nilaro ko ang bula na nasa harapan ko.

"Hmm, bathroom. I'm on my bathtub..."

Saglit siyang natahimik. "Oh o-okay..." He stuttered, seemed nervous. Greyson cleared his throat. "Ah ahm. Did you have your dinner yet?"

I hummed. "Not yet, you?"

"Not yet, too. I'll eat later."

"Why later? Hindi ka ba gutom?"

"Gutom, but I'm waiting for my moron brother, I asked him to buy ingredients 'coz his asking me to cook for him."

Napatawa ako ako. "Diyan siya kakain sa'yo or nasa unit ka niya?"

He let out a heavy sigh. "In mine. He wants to eat a homemade." naiirita niyang sabi.

"Why, he doesn't know how to cook?"

"No."

Mas lalo akong napatawa. "Pagbigyan mo na. Masarap kasi luto mo."

"Really?" Alam kong napangiti 'yon.

"Of course, love."

Saglit siyang natahimik, narinig ko na parang may inaayos siya.

"What are you doing?" pagtatanong ko.

"I just fixed the stuffs on my study table. You?"

"Hmmm, playing the bubbles..."

He giggled. "You're so cute, love."

Napasimangot ako para pigilan ang aking pagngiti. "Epal." bulong ko.

Lumakas ang tawa niya. "Awe, my baby is kinikilig."

"I'm not!" I sounded defensive.

Tinawanan niya lang ako kapagkuwan ay tumigil siya.

"Nakausap mo na ba ang kapatid mo?"

Napalabi ako. "Hindi pa, maybe later kapag kakain na kami."

He hummed.

"But I talked to Timothy a while ago." pagpapaalam ko.

"I know, he already told me."

"Hmmm, yeah..."

We stayed silent.

"Love?" tawag ko sa kaniya.

"Yes?"

"I know you already knew that Timothy loves you so much, right?"

He grunted. "Yeah, so chessy."

I giggled. "He loves you very much..." I sincerely said. "He talked about you a while ago with so much love. He was so scared to lose you, you know when you were in coma..."

"I know, and I'm scared to lose him either..." Kapagkuwan ay nainis siya. "But he always pisses me off."

"That's normal and that's how he says, he loves you very much..." pag-uulit ko.

"I love him, too but I love you more."

Hindi na naman siya nabigong mapaguhit sa aking labi ang ngiti. "Gahd, Greyson..." mahina kong sabi dahil sa banat niya.

Greyson ended the call when Timothy arrived in his unit and for me to finish my bath and go downstairs to have dinner. Kung hindi pa darating ang kapatid niya ay mukhang mas matagal pa ang gugugulin namin sa pag-uusap.

Dali-dali akong umalis sa bathtub nang isang oras na pala ang tinagal ko roon. Mabilisan akong nagbanlaw sa shower habang drini-drain ko ang nasa loob ng tub. Lumabas na ako kaagad pagkatapos at nagbihis.

Bumaba ako at pumuntang kusina.

My hampaslupang kuya was preparing the plates and utensils. He put one on the other side and one on the opposite side. Nanay and tatay will be back early in the morning tomorrow.

We should settle our misunderstanding. Ayoko namang maabutan nila kaming gano'n. I don't wanna cause them further stress.

"Come on, sit down." casual niyang sabi.

Umupo ako at hinayaan siyang nakatayo habang nilalagyan ng pagkain ang aking pinggan. He cooked Kare-kare, I could tell it taste delicious because of its good aroma.

Napalunok ako ng laway habang hinihintay siyang matapos. Hinintay ko siyang makaupo tsaka ako kumain.

"How does it taste?" he asked excitedly.

Sinulyapan ko siya na hawak ang kutsara at tinidor sa magkabilaan niyang kamay, hindi pa niya nagagalaw ang pagkain niya, hinintay niyang ako ang maunang makakain.

Tumaas ang kilay niya ng wala siyang narinig na sagot sa akin. "Hindi ba masarap?"

Nilunok ko muna ang nasa loob ng bibig ko bago nagsalita. "It taste good."

A proud smile stretched his lips. "I know, I'm a good cook."

Wala sa sarili akong napairap at pinagpatuloy ang pagkain ko. Nagsimula na rin siyang kumain.

"Malapit na birthday mo, anong gusto mong set up?"

Napahinto ako sa pagsubo at napaisip.

Lumunok muna ako ulit.

Hindi ko siya tinignan at nanatiling nakayuko sa aking pagkain. "Just family members and with close friends. My friends from school like Heihei and Kej, I'll just treat them somewhere so we can have Greyson here. I want him to be here on my birthday to celebrate."

He nodded. "Okay, sure..."

I looked at him. "How about dad, can he attend?"

Nag-iwas siya ng tingin. "I don't know... I'll try to ask...again."

"Again?"

Seemed like he tried but dad was just...busy...

Tumingin siya sa akin pero hindi mapakali ang kaniyang mga mata, hindi mapirmi sa akin. "Yeah, I'll ask again but I can't promise he would be here on that day, maybe he'll pass by on some other day if couldn't come."

Hindi ko naiwasang malungkot.

"But that's my birthday..." bulong ko sa aking sarili.

Yumuko na lang ulit ako at pinagpatuloy ang pagkain, mas mabagal na ang pagsubo ko, medyo nawalan ako ng gana dahil sa sinabi niya sa akin.

He cleared his throat and that made me look at him. His eyes were looking straight in my eyes.

Guess like he's gonna open the topic about our fight.

"I wanna say sorry about Clement—"

"I know you're sorry, too. Explain your side, that's what I wanna hear, later the sorry." mabilis kong sabi sa kaniya.

Nalukot ang mukha niya dahil sa pagpuputol ko sa kaniya. Inirapan niya pa ako bago siya magsalita at ako naman ay inabala ang sariling kumain ng kaniyang luto habang nakikinig sa kaniya.

He sighed and put himself into serious and sincere mode. "I'm sorry I hurt you so much when I hid about the truth. I don't want you to suffer while waiting for him... I admit it was really my idea, I initiated that. And I knew it was wrong, but I just don't want to see you in pain."

Huminto ako at tinignan siya. "Pain is inivetable..."

He looked guilty. "I know... but if I could do something to avoid you from that, I would." He loves me very much, I understand. But he can't keep me forever from pain. "When he died and you cried so much, it broke me more, because I couldn't do anything about it. You don't know how much I wished I could bring him back for you, to stop the pain you were feeling."

"However when he came back to life I asked Timothy to keep it between us, I didn't want you to know 'coz we weren't sure if he would wake up again. I knew it would crush you, slowly, and I'm scared to see you not having yourself again."

His eyes and voice were sincere. I've never seen him like this with so much guilt.

Napakagat ako sa aking labi. "But you're not sure I'll be losing myself again...you were there that could help me and gave the support I needed, if you would've told me."

He nodded. "I know... but I was frightened..." Mas lalo niya akong pinakatitigan. "No'ng na-realize kong kailangan mo na ring malaman... I wanted, first, to be sure if it was okay, so I asked from professionals...it turned out it was not. She said it could trigger your anxiety and might put your mental health in danger. Sabi niya rin mas malaki ang tsansang mas malala ang maging epekto no'n sa'yo keysa no'ng mga bata tayo dahil maaari ring makadagdag 'yong mga nangyari noon. It could make those to be vivid like it was happening again, if it's trigger by unhandled pain."

I thought he never have the plan of saying it, but he did.

He tsked. "Edi mas lalo akong natakot dahil sa sinabi niya." Inismiran niya ako at nag-iwas siya ng tingin. "It's her fault that I didn't tell you the truth."

Napangisi ako at umiling. "Sinisi mo pa talaga, ha?"

I know he was just joking.

Hindi niya ako kaagad pinansin at iyon na rin ang naging hudyat ko para humingi rin ng tawad sa kaniya.

"I'm sorry too... Sorry dahil sinumbatan kita..." He looked at me. "Alam ko namang ayaw mo akong masaktan. But I just snapped that time..."

"I understand." He gave me smile.

Yumuko ako. "But can't you not doubt my handling skills in terms of emotions? I'm your sister, don't you have belief in me?" Napanguso ako. "I can be strong like you too... I can be there for you when you need me too, you don't need to shut me out from your hard times..."

"Hey," nataranata niyang tawag sa akin. "I'm not shutting you out."

"I know, but it looks like that..."

He sighed. "Ugly sister, always keep this in mind, I'll never shut you out."

Sinulyapan ko siya at nakita ang sinsiredad sa kaniyang mga mata.

"Ayoko lang ipakita sa'yo na nahihirapan din ako no'n dahil gusto kong sa akin ka humugot ng lakas."

"But we could've been there for each other or I could've been there for you in times you were having your own problems..." paglalaban ko.

Napangisi siya, kapagkuwan ay napabuga siya ng hangin. "Ayokong malungkot ka kapag malungkot ako. Saan na lang ako huhugot ng lakas kung hindi ko makikita ang saya sa mukha mo? I don't want to not see your bright smile on your ugly face."

Kumunot ang noo ko. "Wow, baka magkamukha tayo!?"

Ramdam ko naman kapag hindi siya okay, minsan gusto ko lang magsabi siya, pero siguro hindi lang talaga 'yon normal sa kaniya kaya kino-comfort ko na lang siya sa iba't ibang paraan kapag ganoon.

Tinaasan niya ako ng kaniyang kilay. "Saan banda?"

He wasn't really heartless nor cold-hearted as most of them say... He just needed to be strong because it was a must for him— to protect his position, gain respect from others and for me.

I know what he could do...pero para sa akin mabait pa rin naman ang hampaslupa kong kuya kahit na lagi niya akong sinasabihang pangit.

Kuya Zed was always sweet, caring and protective when it comes to me. Just like dad even if I couldn't be with him all the time. I know he was watching over from a far, looking if we were doing good and safe.

Nanay and tatay always loved me too...

Maybe because mom wasn't by my side so they were showering there love to me, to not make me feel the emptiness... but there would always gonna be a spot that couldn't be filled by anyone but just her. Yet I'm thankful for everything they did for me, I've loved them too.

They were the ones who built my heart.

"And to think of it, you're turning 19 in a week but your glow up didn't show up yet." Naiiling siya habang may mapanlokong ngiti sa kaniyang labi nang bumalik siya sa kaniyang upuan, dala-dala ang rice cooker at inilapag 'yon sa wooden placemat.

Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin, naramdaman niya 'yon kaya tinignan ako.

"Kidding, pumapangit ka lalo." He smiled widely. Minsan ang ganda niyang itapon.

Inilingan ko na lang siya at kumain ulit.

"So bati na tayo?" tanong niya.

"Tingin mo?" pagbabalik ko ng tanong.

Hindi na gano'n kalala ang inis na naramdaman ko sa kaniya kompara no'ng huli kaming mag-usap. I'm more calm, now, than last time. Maybe because of the talks I've had with Greyson and Timothy, that made me understand him even more.

Maya't maya'y nagtanong siya.

"Anong nangyari sa party niyo? Narinig ko tumawag ka raw ng uwak." Tumawa siya. "Kawawang bata..."

"Oh tapos?" I plainly said.

Naglipat siya ng kanin mula sa rice cooker, mukhang balak niyang ubusin 'yon. Gutom na gutom ata ang mga bulate niya.

"Narinig ko rin na may lalaking lumapit sa'yo?" Kunot ang noo niya nang tignan ako. "You could've punched him." Inilingan niya ako. "What happened to those techniques I taught you last summer?" Mukha siyang dismayado.

"Yeah... I forgot... First time ko lang naman 'yon ah! Kinabahan ako, 'di ko alam gagawin. Normal lang naman siguro 'yon—"

"Anong normal? To stared at him while he was hitting on you?"

"To be stifled!" pagtatama ko.

"Stifled." he sarcastically mimicked. "Pasalamat ka wala 'yong ginawa sa'yo baka ipabugbog—"

"Parang tanga."

"What? Tanga, who?" Nakataas ang kaniyang kilay. "Guess like you were referring to yourself."

Napaawang ang aking bibig.

"Narinig ko rin na tinulungan ka ni Jaylor."

Sinarado ko ang aking bibig at masama pa rin siyang tinignan, naiinis akong 'di ako nakasagot sa sinabi niya.

I nodded. "Thanks to Jaylor, he made him go away."

Tumitig ang walang ekspresyon niyang mukha sa akin. "Well thanks to him, just that, nothing more. Still don't like him."

Umirap siya at uminom ng tubig bago ulit nagsalita at binalik ang topic. "Paano ka masasanay niyan, ano, magpadala ba ako bigla ng mga taong manghaharang sa'yo para makapag-practice ka?"

Nanlaki ang mata ko. "Baliw ka?"

He glared at me. "Well, that would help!" he said in high tone, trying to push the idea.

Nasapo ko ang aking noo.

We continued arguing about little things and finished our meal with the dessert he made, vanilla ice cream.

Preparing food was always his way in making up to me.

The next day, I woke up early just like as always, to go at school, but it was different from lately, I was happy. Hindi na mabigat ang nararamdaman ko dahil nailabas ko na ang mga saloobin ko sa kanila.

Jhames was by my side, comfortably sitting on his chair. Furrowed face. Airpods were both in his ears while he was holding his phone, landscape, in front of his face.

Hindi niya alintana ang ingay ng mga kaklase namin dahil abala siya sa panonod.

Sinilip ko kung ano 'yon.

I didn't know what it was but I saw beautiful ladies, with their gowns, walking on a runway.

Naramdaman niyang nakikinood ako sa kaniya kaya napalingon siya sa akin. Inalis niya ang isang airpod na nasa kaniyang tenga at inabot sa akin.

"Here, you should watch. Para maka-relate ka sa akin."

Kinuha ko na lang 'yon at inilagay sa aking tenga. Iniusog niya ang kaniyang phone sa gitna namin para magakaroon ako nang maayos na access sa panonood.

The judges were giving their critics to the contestants.

My lips formed an 'o' when I realized they weren't women! O my gahd, they looked so fabulous and gorgeous, I didn't even notice!

I giggled when I heard their screen names. So cute!

I pointed at the screen when the camera was focus on her face. "She's so pretty!" I said with enthusiasm. It was Brooklyn Hytes, if I wasn't mistaken.

"I know, but look at Plastique Tiara, she's also pretty!"

Kinikilig kaming dalawa habang pinupuri ang kagandahan ng mga contestant nang dumating si Steccy.

Napahinto kami sa panonood.

We looked up and saw her creased brows. Pati tuloy kami napakunot ang noo.

May inabot siyang paper kay Jhames.

Fritz exclaimed when he saw it. He whistled playfully. "Is that a love letter!?"

Matalim na lumingon si Jhames. "What!? The fck I'll with a love letter!?" 'di niya makapaniwalang tanong.

Tumawa si Fritz. Inirapan siya ni Jhames.

Steccy spoke at Fritz. "Hello? Hindi 'to love letter, title 'to ng libong pinapahanap ni Sir, sinabi niyang 'di siya makakapasok ngayon." walang gana at iritang sabi niya.

"Why?" agad na tanong ni Jhames.

She shrugged. "Just find that book in the library. I don't know his reasons too..." mataray niyang sabi.

Sinamaan siya ng tingin ni Jhames. "Okay, ang aga-aga nagsusungit ang minion." bulong niya nang tumayos siya at kinuha 'yon kay Steccy.

"Ay ang sweet naman, may nickname kaagad!?" pang-aasar din ni Romeo na nasa harapan.

"Sige, gawahan din kitang nickname." pamimilosopo ni Jhames.

Nilingon ako ni Jhames. "Huy, sis." Tinaasan niya ako ng kaniyang kilay. "Tumayo ka r'yan at samahan mo 'ko."

Bago kami lumabas ni Jhames ay narinig pa namin ang pahabol na pang-aasar ni Fritz. "Oy, magkahawig kayo ng minion mo, bagay na bagay talaga!"

Habang naglalakad kami sa hallway ay an'dami niya na namang nasabi.

"Duh, ano raw magkahawig kami!? Huy, ang layo ng ganda ko sa kaniya!"

Palihim akong napatawa habang patuloy siyang pinakikinggan.

"Kaasar talaga ang minion na 'yon. Imbes na nanonod ako. Tapos wala pa si Sir Crush! Mas lalo akong naiinis" Humalukipkip siya. "Ba't ba kasi ako ang secretary? Edi sana hindi ako ang inuutusan maghanap ng libro at magpa-photocopy!"

"Ginusto mo 'di ba? Ni-nominate mo sarili mo 'di ba? Atsaka, at least china-chat ka ni Sir kapag may activities siyang nakalimutang sabihin sa atin."

Napangiti siya sa huli kong sinabi kapagkuwan ay nawala rin. Kinilig na naman ang gaga.

He hissed. "Kahit na, haler! Kung hindi siguro si Steccy ang president siguro hindi ganito ang dinaranas ko ngayon, mukhang bumabawi, ih!"

Tumawa ako lalo. "Naalala mo bang nag-vote ka rin sa kaniya?"

Jhames rolled his eyes. "Because I thought she was nice. Dapat three weeks after first day nag-i-elect ng officers. Kagigil."

I shrugged and defended Steccy. "But you can't deny how much commitment she's putting in handling her duties and responsibilities."

"So?"

Yamot na yamot si Jhames habang naghahanap kami sa library, pero nang matapos ay guminhawa ang kaniyang mukha. Pina-scan na namin ang pages na kakailanganin lang namin tsaka 'yon binalik ulit, pagkatapos ay nagpa-photocopy kami sa mini school supplies store na nasa katabi ng library building.

Hawak ni Jhames ang paperbag na pinaglagyan ng mga pina-photocopy namin habang naglalakad kami sa pathway pabalik sa building namin.

There were a lot of students walking and going in their own ways. Karamihan sa kanila ay dala-dala pa ang bag dahil kararating lang at papunta na sa kani-kanilang building. Ang iba ay hindi na dumaan sa mismong pathway at nag-shortcut na sa bermuda grass dahil sa pagmamadali, minsan ay napapatingin na lang ang mga nakaupo at nagpra-practice roon, sa mga estudynateng dumadaan-daan sa tabi nila.

Patuloy pa rin kami sa paglalakad nang may nakasalubong kaming lalaki.

He was tanned and tall, maybe 6'1. I could tell he had a good built even though he was wearing the university jacket for professors with its paired jogging pants and his own choice of shoes.

"Good morning, coach!" Nakangiting bati ni Jhames.

"Morning, Jhames!" They made their signature handshake and beamed against each other's chest.

Are they close?

Nalipat ang tingin sa akin no'ng coach.

An amusement smile and curiousity drew on his face. "Morning, young lady."

My head automatically bowed a li'l to show respect. "Morning, sir." I said politely.

Mapilyo ang ngiti niya nang tumingin siya kay Jhames.

Jhames looked at him falttly. "Coach, she's my classmate." he said plainy with a hint of irritation on his face.

Oh... Akala niya ata may something sa amin.

Napatawa ako sa aking isipan.

Coach, FYI. Si Sir Serious ang gusto niyan!

"Anyways, don't forget our training next week."

Palokong sumaludo si Jhames sa kaniya. "Yes, sir."

Nailing ang coach niya at nagpaalam na rin pagkatapos no'n.

Nagpatuloy kami sa paglalakad.

"Don't mind him, mahilig lang talaga akong asarin no'n kapag nakikita niyang may kasama akong babae."

"Okay... but who was that? You seemed close." pag-iintriga ko.

"My basketball coach."

Kumunot ang noo ko. "You're in a basketball team!?" 'di ko makapaniwalang tanong.

He giggled. "Gulat na gulat, sis?"

"A bit?"

"But to answer your question— Yes, I'm in a basketball team and a varsity player since highschool."

Napaawang ang aking bibig. 'Di pa rin ako makapaniwala.

Kaya rin siguro maganda ang pangangatawan ni Jhames dahil doon.

Pero nagtaka ako. "Hindi ba't tapos na ang try out para sa mga gustong maging varsity players? May class tayo no'n 'di ba?"

He nodded. "Yes, I didn't have to try out 'coz varsity na ako no'ng shs dito, so may exemption ang magaganda, duh."

"Oh... okay... Never thought that's your sport."

He hummed. "Never thought also, but I joined basketball team to be with my crush."

Napatawa ako. "Ang landi!"

Napangiti siya nang mapakla. "Yeah, and it also made my friedship with my best friend sinked."

Nawala ang ngiti sa aking labi. "Ha? What do you mean? What happened?"

Pumasok kami sa elevator at hindi niya nasagot ang aking tanong dahil may ibang mga estudyante.

Bigla tuloy akong nalungkot sa sinabi niya, ano bang nangyari.

Paglabas namin sa elevator ay hindi niya pa rin sinagot ang tanong ko. Maybe he didn't want to talk about it so I didn't ask for the second time.

Jhames gave the paperbag to Steccy while I sat down on my chair. Steccy distributed the copies and instructed us to finish it at home to be passed tomorrow. So basically, it's our leisure, for now.

Tinago ko sa bag ang aking copy at inabala ang aking sarili sa pagpo-phone habang si Jhames naman tinatago ang kopya niya.

Inalog niya ang braso ko. "Huy, halika na. Magchichika na ako."

Lumingon ako. Akala ko ayaw niyang magkwento.

Binulsa ko ang phone. Tumagilid ako ng upo para nakaharap sa kaniya at pinatong ang kamay ko sa sandalan ng upuan.

"Okay, go. Chika mo ang kalandian mo."

His pursed his lips, thinking where to start. Tumingin siya sa ibang gawi at parang inalala ang mga nangyari noon.

"Well, actually, ayaw ko naman talagang mag-basketball kasi, duh? Nakakapagod kaya." reklamo niya. "Atsaka gusto ko mag-aral ng theater, tingin ko kasi makakatulong 'yon para maitago ko kung ano ako."

"Pero alam niya?" tanong ko.

Umiling siya. "Hindi niya pa rin alam na bakla ako kahit na naging magkaibigan kami simula no'ng grade 10. Takot pa kasi akong umamin na hindi ako straight noon, you know? 'Di pa ako handang sabihin noon na I'm a dyosa pala..."

Wala sa sarili akong napatawa dahil sa pagsisingit niya ng kaniyang humour.

"So... inaya niya nga ako tapos umayaw ako no'ng una. But at the end my ex best friend convinced me to join." His brows arched and looked at me. "Syempre pumayag na ako, nangulit crush ko ih!"

Napangisi ako. "Ang rupok, sis."

"So, sabi ko sige sasali ako sa summer basketball training pero a-attend lang ako sa mga days na wala akong theater lessons. Paano nakapag-enroll na rin ako roon, buti na lang nga at hindi everyday, like M,W,F lang."

Bumuntong hininga siya.

"Magsi-senior high kami no'ng nag-training kami sa basketball." He bit the insides of his lips. "Tapos no'ng pasukan syempre nag-try out kami para sa varsity, 'yon naman ang purpose ng pagti-training namin no'ng summer... so ayun nakapasa kami sa qualifications at try out."

"Then what happened? Asan na siya ngayon?" tanong ko.

Hindi siya agad sumagot at humugot nang malalim na paghinga. "Wala na, lumipat na siya ng school no'ng nalaman niyang bakla ako. No'ng mga kalagitnaan na kasi ng taon, umamin na ako sa kaniya at naglantad na rin ako publicly, 'coz I posted on my social medias."

Kumunot ang noo ko. "Was that the reason why he transferred?"

"Ahm yeah, he said I took advantage on him and he also doesn't support queer people like me. Ayaw niya raw na makita pa akong muli dahil doon, nandidiri siya." Hindi nakatakas sa mata ko ang lungkot na sumilay sa kaniyang mukha. "So I didn't bother to stop him, when he went away. I just said I'm sorry, 'coz yeah— a part of me knew I took advantage of our friendship. Hindi ko naman ipagkakaila na malaki ang naging parte ng pagiging magkaibigan namin sa kalandian ko— pero hindi naman 'yong tsansing ha! More like, having time with him."

"Hinayaan ko na lang siya no'n dahil ayaw ko ring ipagsiksikan ang sarili ko sa mga taong 'di ako tanggap."

Hinaplos ko ang kaniyang balikat. "It's okay, you have people that love and accept you— for who you are. You have me, I'm your friend." I gave him a sweet smile to make him feel better.

Napanguso siya. "Thank you, sis."

Niyakap niya ako at gano'n din ako sa kaniya. Nang maghiwalay kami ay nakita ko na ang ngiti sa kaniyang labi.

"Mabuti na lang 'di ka gano'n katanga para habulin siya." natatawa kong sabi.

Tinaasan niya ako ng kaniyang kilay. "Sis! Hindi lang ako maganda, okay? May utak din."

I giggled and nodded. "Agree." Nag-thumbs up ako.

"Atsaka, I love myself, I know what I deserve." He smiled. "Sabi nga ni RuPaul... If you can't love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else. Can I get an amen up in here?"

"Amen!" sagot ko sa kaniya. I grinned my teeth. "I'm proud you have that kind of mindset."

He sighed. "Of course... Because if you don't love yourself you might aren't be confident too, you might be insecure at all times... You'll get jealous, and that's not health. That's why I want to be confident with who I am. It's better to learn on trusting yourself and be independent, than letting yourself depend on anyone else's approval or validation, 'coz at the end of the day, yourself is your ally and you should satisfy yourself and not everybody else 'coz you can't please everybody— so better please yourself."

I was speechless on how wise Jhames was.

Jhames looked at me. "Kaya hindi pa rin ako naghahanap ng, you know... I don't want to put so much effort on finding someone, so that I could focus to be better and improve myself, because I want to be the person I want to be with... That's how you set your standards— I know it would be high, but there's nothing wrong with it. If they don't meet it, then let them go, don't settle for less because you'll be unsatisfied. You should know what you deserve and be what you deserve, so your energy will attract good people and push the toxic people away."

Napangiti na lang ako pero wala akong masabi. I felt somewhat very proud of him...

"So when you fell in love with that person— who knows his worth too— you'll be able to love each other for real." He smiled and sighed. "You shouldn't love someone because you need someone to fill the loneliness or gaps in your heart. You should be needing that person because you love him and for the reason of love itself..."

Tumango ako.

Sinimangutan niya ako nang wala siyang natanggap na kahit isang salita sa akin. "Comment naman, sis!" panloloko niya.

"Paano ako magko-comment 'di ko alam sasabihin ko." Kapagkuwan ay medyo dumukwang ako sa kaniya para bumulong.

"Ganyan ba magsalita ang mga apo ng may ari ng school?"

He raised his brow and smirked. "Hindi, gano'n lang talaga 'pag maganda." He flicked his imaginary long hair. And he snapped his fingers beside his face. "Werk!"

Bet that was his new expression.

After the leisure we've had, we headed to another room for our minor subjects.

Greyson was already there, sitting on his chair, talking with his friends. Kahit na ang iba sa kaibigan niya ay nakaupo sa mas nauunang row keysa sa kanila ay hindi 'yon naging hadlang para makapag-usap sila. They were sitting on there side to face Greyson and their other friends whom sitting on more elevated row than them.

Napatingin siya sa mga estudyanteng pumapasok mula sa baba, alam niyang dito sa itaas na pinto kami pumapasok kaya agad siyang lumingon para hanapin ako.

His eyes went on me while I was walking toward the center. He looked away and run his fingers through his hair.

Hi.

I bit the insides of my cheeks. When he glanced at me I groped my hair and put it back behind my shoulders.

Hi.

I walked down to the stairs at the center, because my row was lower than him.

"Excuse me..." I said as I was entering our row and before sitting down I looked back and saw him staring.

There were strands of hair left on the side of my cheek, I tucked it behind my ear. Good morning.

He casually pulled the lobule part of his ear.

Good morning.

I sat down and glanced at him, again. I lightly massaged my neck. You look handsome.

The side of his lips rose up and he tried to stop it, but it still didn't fade out totally.

Greyson then faked a yawn.

You're gorgeous.

Nagpipigil ang ngiti ko nang tumalikod na ako at nag-ayos ng upo.

Kumunot ang noo ko nang makitang nakataas ang kilay ni Timothy sa akin.

"What?"

Umiling siya at muling hinarap ang kaniyang phone. Napatawa siya nang mahina. "Corny niyo."

Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin kapagkuwan ay umirap ako.

"Malapit na pala birthday mo, anong gusto mong regalo?" tanong niya habang abala pa rin sa kaniyang phone.

"Malay ko kung ano gusto mong ibigay. Ikaw na bahala."

He looked at me blankly. "Okay, bigyan kitang isang supot ng barnuts."

Hinampas ko ang kaniyang balikat.

Kumunot ang noo niya. "Oh, bakit? Sabi mo ako bahala—"

Hinarap ko sa kaniyang ang aking katawan. Pinandilatan ko siya ng aking mata. "Oo nga ikaw. Pero ayusin mo naman."

Parang may sariling pag-iisip ang mga mata ko at napasulyap kay Greyson.

My face softened when I saw him glaring at me. His brows were furrowed. Even his jaw looked annoyed, it was clenching.

Napalabi ako.

He looked back to his friends talking.

"Good morning, class!"

Napatingin ako sa baba at naroon na ang prof namin, Sir Bubbly— not a nickname I made. That was his real name and it suited him, dahil bubbly din siya, hindi kagaya ni Sir Serious. Matanda na rin kasi siya kaya siguro hindi na masyadong strikto, gano'n daw kasi 'yon sabi nila.

Narinig ko ang pagbati sa kaniya ng mga kaklase ko pero ako hindi ko siya nabati.

My head tilted while looking at the paper bag he was holding. Mabilis kong nilingon si Timothy.

Ginapanga ako ng kaba nang maisip kung ano ang laman no'n.

"Huy, nag-review ka ba!?" kinakabahan kong tanong.

Nagsalubong ang kilay niya. "Why?"

Nginuso ko ang hawak ni Sir.

His lips parted. "Oh, hell no..."

Nagkatinginan kami. "Hindi ako nag-review." pangunguna ko sa kaniya bago niya pa ako matanong.

Nanlaki ang mata niya.

"You'll be having a surprise quiz—"

Naputol ang sinasabi ni Sir Bubbly nang magsimulang mag-ingay ang mga kaklase namin.

"Sir!"

"Hala, sir!"

Karamihan sa kanila ay nagmamakaawang 'wag na mag-quiz. Lukot ang mukha nila dahil sa pagkadismaya.

"Sir, sabi mo ayaw mo ng surprise quiz!"

"Oo nga, sir!"

"Ayaw niya ng surprise quiz pero hindi naman niya sinabing hindi siya magpapa-surprise quiz." rinig kong sabi ni Timothy.

Nilingon ko siya na pinapanood pa ang mga kaklase namin. Hinila ko sleeve ng kaniyang uniform. "Mag-review na tayo, 'wag ka nang tumunganga!" mariin kong sabi dahil sa kaba.

Sir Bubbly was nice, talkative...but he always had high standards! His friendly personality was a trap! We shouldn't be fooled and must have taken him seriously!

Aligaga kaming dalawa ni Timothy at naghati kami nang re-review-in para magtulungan na lang kami.

After 10 minutes ay pinatago lahat ni Sir Bubbly ang aming mga notes.

Naririnig ko ang mga katabi ko na pabulong-bulong at mine-memorize ang huling mga salitang nakita nila sa kanilang notebook.

Gahd, kinabahan na ako.

"Chill, we got this." pagpapakalma sa akin ni Timothy.

"Siguraduhin mo lang na hindi mo makalimutan ang mga parts mo, baka masapak kita kapag bumagsak tayo."

Tumaas ang kilay niya. "Excuse me?"

"Dude, that surprise quiz was insane!" reklamo ni Timothy habang narito kami sa loob ng kaniyang sasakyan. "Buti na lang mababait 'yong nasa katabi ko at pinakopyahan kami ni JV kung hindi... fck ewan ko na lang talaga!"

Si Timothy ang nasa driver's seat habang kami ni Greyson ay narito sa likuran at magkatabi. Hinihintay naming matapos ang nasa unahan naming sasakyan na magpa-gas.

"I know, buti na lang nagka-review si Matt!" sagot ni Greyson. Matt was his friend, sitting beside him.

"Hindi siya nakakatuwa. All I thought he wouldn't give a surprise quiz." dagdag ni Greyson.

Timothy drove a little and stopped.

"Nah, I knew he would do such thing, but I never thought it was today!"

Napapatawa na lang ako sa reaksyon nilang magkapatid habang ako ay nakikinig lang sa kanila.

Naputol ang pag-uusap nila nang ibaba ni Timothy ang bintana niya para sabihin sa employee ng gas station kung magkano ang ipapa-gas niya.

"1000 po."

Greyson beamed me. "Hey, you're quiet, what's the matter?" he asked softly.

Ngumiti ako at tumingin sa kaniya. "Nothing..." Inangkla ko ang aking braso sa kaniya. "I just enjoyed watching you two talking..."

He giggled.

He held my wrist. Napatingin siya roon nang maramdaman niya ang bagay na nakasuot at natatakpan ng long sleeve ko. He pulled my sleeve a bit to see what it was.

Napatigil siya at nilingon ako. "I thought you were not wearing this."

Kumunot ang noo ko. "I always wear it. 'Di mo lang nakikita kasi natatakpan ng sleeve ko."

"Always." He repeated sarcastically. Tinaasan niya ako ng kaniyang kilay. "Pero kapag P.E. 'di mo suot."

Tinaasan ko rin siya ng kilay. "Malamang! Mamaya may activity tayong gawin tapos madamay pa, paano kapag nasira. Ha?"

"Edi bibigyan kitang bago."

Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin. "Ayoko, gusto ko 'to."

Ang relong 'to ang naging kasama ko no'ng nawala ka... It always reminded me that I wasn't alone even if you weren't there with me. Ito ang pinanghuhugutan ko ng lakas ng loob sa tuwing nahihirapan ako, pinapaalala niya ang mga masasayang memorya ng nakaraan. Lagi kong iniisip na sa bawat paggalaw ng kamay ng relo ay nasa tabi lang kita, kahit wala ka no'ng mga panahong 'yon.

"Paano 'pag binigyan kita ng bago, 'di mo susuotin?"

"Of course I'll wear it, but I don't like the same design just as this. This is special." Hinawakan ko ang kamay niya at pinagkislop iyon sa akin. "Because it's the first gift you gave me."

Kumunot ang noo niya. "FYI, love. I always gave you gifts since we became friends."

"I know, but this one is special 'coz we already confessed to each other before I have this... It's the first gift I received from you as my lover."

Unti-unting sumilay ang ngiti sa kaniyang labi. Umiling na lang siya at nag-ayos ng upo habang pangiti-ngiti.

Inasar ko siya. "Kilig ka naman." bulong ko nang ihilig ang aking ulo sa kaniyang balikat.

He chuckled. "Of course."

"Thank you, sir." rinig kong sabi ng staff ng gas station nang maabot niya ang bayad mula kay Timothy.

"Thank you." sagot ni Timothy at isinara ang bintana.

Umandar ulit ang sasakyan kapagkuwan ay huminto saglit bago lumabas sa gas station.

"Saan tayo mauunang pumunta?" tanong ni Timothy habang hinihintay na makadaan ang mga sasakyan.

I looked at Greyson.

"To my fake ash first..." he sounded sad. I squeezed his hand and rest my head on his shoulder, again.

"Okay."

Gumalaw ulit ang kotse at nakisabay na ito sa mga sasakyang tumatakbo sa kalsada.

"I wanna see how fancy the urn is with paper ashes in it." palokong sabi ni Greyson.

"We'll it's very fancy. The paper ashes would probably be living its fancy life with its new home."

"Stupid, how could it be living when it didn't live at all? It's non-living thing." pambabara sa kaniya ng katabi ko.

Napatawa ako.

"Still, it has living."

Naiiling si Greyson. "Are you really my brother? Moron."

"Wow, dumbass shit."

"Oh really? Okay, don't come knocking at my door asking me to cook some food for you."

Timothy laughed sarcastically. "I'm not knocking, I'm using your doorbell, dumbass."

Greyson grunted. "Whatever..." Lumapit siya sa tenga ko at bumulong, "See now? This is what I'm talking about. He always pisses me off."

Napatawa ako.

"I could hear you!" Timothy exclaimed.

"Shut up!" sigaw rin ni Greyson.

Oh gahd. Ang sakit sa tenga pero natatawa akong panoorin silang dalawang nagbabangayan.

I was holding his hand while we were standing in front of his urn. Timothy was there far behind us, sitting on a bench, waiting for us.

Paulit-ulit ang paghinga niya nang malalim habang pinakatititigan ang urn. I could see the sadness on his face reflecting to the glass doors of these little vaults.

"Maraming bang pumunta no'ng nilibing ako?" he asked after a long silence.

"Yes..."

Tumahimik na naman siya pagkatapos no'n.

"I've caused so much pain..."

Nilingon ko siya at patuloy pa rin siyang nakatitig doon habang nanunudyo ang luha sa kaniyang mga mata.

Lumapit ako sa kaniya lalo at hinawakan ang braso niya gamit ang isa ko pang kamay.

I shed tear slid down to his cheek.

Bumuga siya ng hangin at tumingala. "God, I miss my old life." Pinunasan niya ang kaniyang luha.

Huminga siya nang malalim bago ako nilingon. "I miss our old days... Now, I couldn't even show my love for you in public 'coz we need to be lowkey..." He pouted.

Napangisi ako kahit na alam kong winawala niya lang ang lungkot na nararamdaman niya.

Hinaplos ko ang kaniyang braso. "Soon, we'll be able to do that..."

He smiled and looked at me intimately. "As long as I can be with my family and you, I'm okay..." He kissed my forehead. "How I wish that soon will be tomorrow."

Isinandal ko ang aking ulo sa kaniyang balikat at ipinatong niya ang kaniyang ulo sa akin.

We're both silent. My eyes keep glancing at his reflection. He looked serious with his sad eyes...

Siguro ay tumatakbo sa kaniyang isipan ang mga alaala niya no'ng namumuhay pa siya bilang Clement.

Maya't maya'y nagtaas-baba ang kaniyang balikat nang bumuntong hininga na naman siya.

Humigpit ang hawak niya sa kamay ko.

"Love?"

"Hmm?" I asked too.

Inalis niya ang pagkakapatong ng kaniyang ulo.

"There's still a piece of reason you don't know why they did change my face..."

Awtomatiko akong napalingon sa kaniya. My face furrowed. I was curious. "What was that?"

Greyson didn't answer immediately.

His lips pursed and shook his head a lightly. "Mamaya ko na lang pala sasabihin."

He provoked my irritation. "You already opened the topic, now speak."

Umiling siya.

"Sabihin mo." Humigpit ang hawak ko sa braso niya.

Greyson sighed, knowing he counldn't argue with me anymore 'coz I wouldn't stop bugging him until he tells me.

Inalog ko ang braso niya nang an'tagal niyang sabihin.

"Okay, okay... Ito na..." napipilitan niyang sabi.

I stopped and smiled out of contentment. "Good."

Lumingon siya sa akin. Tinitigan niya muna ako nang seryoso bago siya magsalita. "Kuya Zed knows about this, too, but I asked him to let me tell you this... 'Coz I want you to know I'm not blaming you..." masuyo niyang sabi.

Kinabahan ako bigla dahil doon. Nawala rin ang ngiti sa aking labi. Bakit, anong nagawa ko?

Binaling niya ulit ang kaniyang tingin sa urn. "I don't want you to feel bad about this, okay?" Humigpit ang hawak niya sa kamay ko.

Kumalabog ang puso ko.

"Okay?" Pinisil niya ulit ang aking kamay.

"A-ahm...Hmm...okay..."

Ngayon palang sinisisi ko na ang sarili ko kahit na hindi ko pa alam ang susunod niyang sasabihin. Pakiramdam ko malaki ang papel ko roon.

"After you were kidnapped, Kuya Zed received a letter. He didn't let you know about this right away because he couldn't add more pain in you..." He held my hand— by his other hand— that was on his arm, it was like... giving me a support for everything he was about to say.

"The letter was saying, they shouldn't have been worried 'bout you because they wouldn't gonna kill you anyway that time— they still need something from your family."

What was that?

"And ahm..." Marahas siyang bumuga ng hangin. "Oh god..." mahina niyang sabi. Nahihirapan siyang sabihin ang susunod. "The sender wants you to be tormented by my death... so Kuya Zed would suffer too while seeing you aching because of me..." Nanikip ang dibdib ko. "It was said in the letter that you should be thankful I died easily 'coz what they were planning was to torture me slowly so you could witness my sufferings 'til death... They would never stop until they killed me..."

Humigpit ang hawak ko sa kaniyang kamay. Nanubig ang mga mata ko dahil sa galit.

"Kuya Zed asked dad if he was receiving letters like the one he got... but he didn't... Dad got scared, so he came up with the idea of changing my face, to have a new life..."

Pumikit ako at napahawak sa aking batok habang ina-absorb ang mga sinabi niya sa akin. Sumasakit ang ulo ko.

"Then it seemed like... you weren't hit by the truck because they've learned your identity— that you were the kid who got away from those who wanted to hurt you... They did that because of me...to see me in pain so my brother would be in too..."

I could feel my heart pumping in my throat. My hands were sweaty, I was closing my eyes to stop the tears from falling.

"Y-yes... That was the letter trying to say..."

I inhaled sharply. Lumandas kaagad ang luha sa aking pisngi nang marinig 'yon sa kaniya. I could feel the anger in my heart rising.

Why they did that to Clement to make us suffer? 

Walang nagawa sa kanila si Clement, pero bakit!? Fck! Bakit nila kami kailangang saktan gamit ang buhay ng inosenteng tao!? Why!?

Gusto kong magwala!

What a bullshit reason they've had! Napakawalang hiya talaga nila!

Greyson didn't deserve this!

Nanghina ang mga tuhod ko. Nawalan ako ng balanse at natapilok.

Greyson was fast enough to catch me and embraced by his arms.

"Why? Why? Why do they need to do that?" paulit-ulit kong tanong. "They were so c-cruel..."

"Hey, hey, hey..." natataranta niyang tawag sa akin.

I was the reason why he couldn't live his old life anymore, because some monster wanted to see us miserable!

Why!? Why did they have to do this!?

"It was my fault... I'm sorry... I'm sorry I put you into this..."

Humigpit ang pagyakap niya sa akin. "Shush, don't think that way... Baby, don't think that way, it's not your fault..."

"Why? What did I ever do, for them to have pleasure seeing me in pain and my brother? What have I ever done? Did my brother do something to make them feel this way, to make them do those? Why do they need to hurt you? They could've hurt me instead!"

Wala nang makapaglalarawan pa kung gaano ko kinamumuhian at kung gaano kalaki ang galit ko sa mga taong may pakana nito!

"It was like a punishement...a punishment for something that could've hurt them t-too... but w-why?"

I was so angry and in pain that made me shake.

"Baby..."

They were so ruthless.

Greyson caressed my back and hugged me tighter.

Bakit nila kailangan gawin 'yon? Mga halang na ba ang mga sikmura nila para hindi magkaroon ng kaunting awa!? Wala na ba silang nararamdamang na kahit kaunting kosensiya sa mga pinaggagagawa nila!?

"I-I hate them...I hate them so much..."

Napakaraming mura ang pumasok sa aking isipan para ihalintulad sila sa mga 'yon.

I heard running footsteps running toward us. "Hey! Hey! Hey!" Timothy sounded alarmed.

He stopped and catched his breath for a second.

"I'm sorry to interrupt but you need to put your mask now!" mahina at mariin niyang sabi kay Greyson.

Sa kabila ng galit na nararamdaman ko ay nag-angat ako ng tingin. "Why? What's happening?" Napatingin ako sa paligid at tinignan kung may taong dumating.

"I saw your foster parents; they're heading here..."

Agad kong nilingon si Timothy.

"What?" 'di makapaniwalang tanong ni Greyson at nagmadaling inilabas ang kaniyang mask sa bulsa niya.

"Act normal. Kunwari hindi natin alam na narito rin sila." mabilis niyang sabi tsaka niya kami pinaharap sa urn ni Clement.

Nanginginig ang kamao ko habang kinakalma ang aking sarili. Gahd, I'm still shaking...

"Baby..." mahinang tawag sa akin ni Greyson.

I took a deep breath. "I'm fine... I can handle this, don't worry."

Timothy tapped my back while Greyson caressed it.

Gahd! Ang hirap magpigil ng galit sa mga oras na 'to!

Nakita ko sa reflection ng glass ang paglalakad palapit nila Tita at Tito, may hawak silang maliit na hanging flower. They were dressed up casually; Tita was wearing a grey dress with his black heels and Tito was wearing a white polo shirt, jeans and leather shoes.

Paulit-ulit akong huminga nang malalim para mapakalma ang aking sarili, ayokong makita ako nila Tita nang nagkakaganito.

"JV?" rinig kong sabi ni Tita.

Painosente akong lumingon maging ang dalawang nasa magkabilaan ko ay napalingon din, na parang nabigla kami sa pagdating nila kahit na alam na namin.

Saglit akong tumahimik dahil kunwaring nagulat.

I managed to control my shaking.

"Tita, Tito..." bati ko. Lumapit ako sa kanila at nagmano.

"Hi po..." bati ni Timothy at Greyson...

Nginitian sila ni Tita. "Thank you for visiting my son."

Binalik niya ang tingin sa akin...

Bakas ang lungkot sa kaniyang mga mata sa kabila ng ngiting nakaguhit sa kaniyang labi. Hinaplos niya ang aking pisngi. "Don't cry, JV... Clement won't like to see you crying..."

I smiled and nodded... "I just miss him so much, Tita..."

Sorry for lying.

She nodded "I know..." Tita held my hand.

Sabay kaming pumunta sa harap ng urn ni Clement...

Greyson and Timothy stepped back to give space for them.

My eyes shifted to the reflection of Greyson. Pasimple siyang sumusulyap kina Tita at Tito na nasa tabi ko ngayon. Tita was on the middle.

The plan was to go in his previous home and visit them with his mask on— to appear like he had an allergy, but really to disguise him— and to have an identity that he was one of the teammates of Clement from basketball.

He agreed with my idea because he knew it too that they would probably see the angle of him to his formerly face— 'coz I saw it, how couldn't they? He was their son... He doesn't want them to see that, he felt it would make them sad and miss him even more...

But changed of plans.

Sinabit ng mom niya ang hanging flower sa maliit na sabitang nakadikit sa gilid ng glass.

"Clement would've been at the same school as you, if ever." Pinilit ni Tito na ngumiti habang nakatingin siya sa roon. "Maybe he would've enrolled in civil engineering or architecture..."

Palihim akong huminga nang malalim at kinuyom ang aking kamao para saglit na maisantabi ang galit na nararamdaman ko dahil sa nalaman ko kanina.

I smiled. "Yes... But I think he would be in civil engineering, 'coz he used to tell me he likes to learn about it."

Tita giggled. "I bet he would've been doing great with it..."

He is Tita and Tito... I'm sorry you can't be with him, right now... I'm so sorry...

Tito sighed. "Hays, nami-miss ko na ngang makipaglaro sa kaniya ng basketball." Napatawa siya nang marahan. "Naalala ko pa rati na tuwing may darating siyang laro kinukulit niya akong samahan siyang mag-practice. But all I did was to block him lazily, he would get pissed because I'm not taking him seriously he said how could he practice properly if I'm not cooperating." Naiiling siyang napatawa maging kami ni Tita.

Even the two behind us were laughing.

"Paano, matanda na ako at inaaya niya pa ako maglaro ng gano'n." Naiiling siya habang patuloy pa ring nakangiti.

"Tamad ka lang." sagot ni Tita sa kaniya.

Saglit kaming tumahimik na tatlo at tumitig.

"I miss the mess he would always made at his room when he was doing his paints..." malumanay na sabi ni Tita. Kapagkuwan ay napatawa siya nang may naalala. "He even used my make up brushes when he was a kid."

Natawa si Tito. "Tapos ako ang pinabili mo ng bago."

Hindi ko rin tuloy napigilan ang pagtawa ko.

Clement was so cute...

Napakagat ako sa aking labi dahil pabigla-bilang sumasagi sa aking isipan ang mga sinabi niya kanina. Nanubig na naman ang mga mata ko pero pinigilan ko ang pagtulo nito.

Sabay-sabay kaming napatingin sa langit nang marinig namin ang kulog. Madilim na ang kalangitan, mukhang uulan.

"I think we should go..." sambit ni Tita habang nakatingala pa rin.

"Yeah." pagsang-ayon ni Tito.

Tita looked back at the urn.

Hinaplos niya iyon. "Son, sorry but it seems it's about to rain, I think we'll have to head out early... Babalik na lang kami sa susunod..."

If only I could tell them he's here... Just right here...

Raindrops started to fall.

Pare-pareho kaming napatakip sa aming ulo gamit ang aming mga kamay nang mas lumakas pa ito— kahit wala naman talaga 'yong silbi.

We all ran at the parking lot.

Tita and Tito headed to their car and so as the three of us. Hindi na kami nakapagpaalam nang maayos sa isa't isa.

"What a lucky time." Timothy whispered sarcastically while he was wiping his wet hair with his handkerchief.

I didn't bother myself and got my phone out of my pocket to message Tita. I texted her to have a safe drive with Tito and for them to take care. This became my habit...to always tell someone I know to stay safe while driving and take good care of themselves...

Pagkatapos no'n ay tsaka ko inabala ang sarili ko. My bag was at the other side of Greyson. Bago ko pa maabot ang aking bag ay napahinto ako dahil nakatingin lang siya sa kotse na naka-park 'di kalayuan sa amin— kotse nila Tita 'yon.

His hair was slightly soaked, Greyson's attention was focused on their car. His mask was already tucked under his chin.

Lumipat ang tingin ko sa sasakyan nila Tita.

Parang may pumihit sa puso ko...

We heard a two consecutive horn from their car. The sound still penetrate to the closed windows of Timothy's vehicle.

He also horned as a sign of goodbye.

"Pupunta pa ba tayo sa bahay niyo rati?" mahinang tanong ni Timothy.

Greyson didn't answer right away. He watched their car reversed to adjust and then drove away in the middle of the rain.

Kahit wala na ang sasakyan doon ay nakatingin pa rin siya sa gawing 'yon. "Hindi na... I just want to see if they were holding up, and I think they were..." his voice was soft but sounded with so much of pain.

Greyson closed his eyes and leaned on the headrest. "We should propbabbly head home too."

A shed tear slid down from his closed eyes. I bit the insides of my cheeks as I felt the squeeze in my heart. Gusto kong alisin ang lahat ng sakit na nararamdaman niya.

Nanubig ang mga mata ko pero nilabanan ko ang pag-iipon pa no'n lalo. I reached for my bag and got the handerchief.

Inabot ko ang basa niyang buhok at marahan iyong dinampi.

I'm so sorry... I'm sorry you can't be with them...

Hindi ko pa natatapos ang pagpupunas ko sa kaniyang nang imulat niya ang kaniyang mata at agad niyang pinulupot ang kaniyang dalawang braso sa aking bewang.

Siniksik niya ang kaniyang mukha sa aking leeg.

He sniffled.

Napakagat ako sa aking labi. Hindi ko na napigilan ang pagtulo ng aking luha.

Niyakap ko siya pabalik at tahimik kong hinaplos ang kaniyang likuran habang mahihina siyang humihikbi.

I'm sorry I can't do anything to make you feel better...

_______________