Driver's License - Olivia Rodrigo

Kabanata 35

My heart kept on thumping against my chest. Rumaragasa ang mga luha sa aking pisngi. I can't look at him right now. Lalo akong madudurog. Lalo akong mapipino. I heard him sighing.

"Philo, gabi na. I should probably drive you home." He said, casually. He decided to put the letter back. Parang wala lang ang binigay ko sa kan'yang sulat.

Like I didn't pour every fiber of my being in that letter, every heartbeat I had for him in each word, and everything I wanted to risk just to be with him. My hand kept on shaking, patuloy na iniisip kung paano ko ba malalampasan ang gabi na ito nang hindi tuluyang wasak dahil sa sinabi niya.

"B-bakit? A-ano..." the lump on my throat kept on growing.

I tried remembering Naiara's face. Her beautiful features, funny attitude and her kindness. The bitterness crept inside my heart. Pareho pa sila ni Iscalade ng mga hilig. I never wanted to be jealous of her.

Pero bakit siya?

Bakit hindi pwedeng ako?

"N-naiara likes you po, h-huh?" pilit kong pinapasilay ang isang ngiti pero parang pinupunit ang pisngi ko sa tuwing inaangat ko ang sulok ng aking labi.

"She loves me," he smiled, but all I can see is him being crestfallen. "And that's all I ever wanted, Philo."

Napapikit ako, still shaking. I bit the insides of my cheeks. I slowly opened my eyes even if my glasses are already covered in moist.

"Philo..." he tried calling me in his honeyed voice but I was too stunned. My heart hammering against my chest.

"K-kailan pa?"

"After I realized that you might never love me..." he sighed, nadarama ko ang pagod sa kanyang tinig. "I realized I would rather be your friend than lose you completely. Tulad mo, I'm already contented with this. And you won't have to force yourself t-to like me back."

No.

Bakit ka naging duwag?

Bakit mo ako ginaya?

Nagbabadya ang mga luha ko na tumulo muli. I looked at him, to find hesitation or any hint of humor - but there was none. I only found Iscalade looking at me with pity.

"M-mahal mo po ba talaga siya?" I asked, trying to still maintain what remaining strength that I have.

"I might not love her as fierce as how I loved you," sagot niya at pumungay ang kanyang mga mata. "But I'm trying. Because I think we both deserve a chance, Philomena."

My entirety collided with pain. Sa bawat salitang binitawan ni Iscalade. Isa lang ang naintindihan ko.

Hindi na niya ako mahal.

I bit my lip, yumuko ako habang pilit na pinapatahan ang sarili. I could hear his footfalls coming towards me, tinaas ko ang kamay ko upang pigilan siya. Pinilit na lunukin ang sakit.

"P-please. Teka muna. I need some..." my lips quivered as the tears cascaded down my cheeks. I need some time! I need some time...

"Philo, it's late. You should be home..." he hushed, slowly coming near me again.

Umangat ang tingin ko sa kan'ya, Iscalade cocked his head before smiling sadly.

"We can still be friends, Philo. Isn't that what you wanted?" napapaos niyang tanong. "You won't be pressured to like me back anymore. You don't have to force yourself to like me back, Philo. We are stil ultra -"

Nalaglag ang salamin ko dahil sa biglaang yuko na ginawa ko. Nakakapanghina ang bawat bitaw niya ng salita. Sa sobrang lakas ng pagkahulog, nabasag ang lens nito. Natigilan si Iscalade at akmang dadamputin niya nang pigilan ko siya.

"It's okay p-po, Iscalade. It's just...a prank..." I cleared my throat, ngumiti sa kan'ya kahit ramdam ko na ang puso ko ang nabasag sa aking sinabi.

"A prank?" Iscalade's lips parted, sumilay ang isang ngiti sa kan'yang labi. "Thank God, kinabahan ako sa'yo. Hatid na kita-"

"Uuwi na p-po ako...." I clenched my fist, ramdam ang bawat sakit sa aking sistema. My heart is being constricted. Parang sinusundot ang mga mata ko upang umiyak.

I shook my head. Not now, not infront of him. I don't want him to get sad because I cannot be happy for him. Ang hirap maging masaya para sa kan'ya ngayon. I was never the type of person to feel schadenfreude for someone else. I do not enjoy the misery of others. Pero hindi ko maatim na makitang masaya siya kasama si Naiara.

"Hahatid na kita-"

"Kaya ko na p-po," I chortled, in between of sobbing. "It's a j-joke lang po 'yon, ha? Alis n-na po ako..."

"Philo," Iscalade called me and even gently tugging my arms. "Sandali..."

I delicately removed it and looked at him one last time, eyes brimming with tears. I can feel my jaw clenching. Pilit na kinukubli ang nararamdaman na parusa sa akin dahil sa hindi ko pagsabi sa kan'ya agad.

"I'm h-happy for you, Iscalade..." my voice is trembling. "So happy..."

Napapikit ako nang mariin bago siya tinalikuran.

I didn't wait for him. I rode my bike, hindi alintana ang dilim ng paligid at ang tanging ilaw na galing sa mga sasakyan at mga poste ng ilaw. Nanlalabo ang aking paningin dahil sa mga luhang naiipon. I kept on hiccuping and as I tried to maneuvered my bike - sumemplang ako dahil hindi ko napansin ang isang malaking bato na nakaharang sa harap ko.

Halos tumalsik ako kaya naman nanginginig ang katawan ko nang pinilit kong itayo ang sarili mula sa lupa. My knees were bleeding, tiny rocks even scattered on my skin, but the only pain I can feel is inside my heart.

"Philo!" nakarinig ako nang padabog na pagsara ng pinto ng isang sasakyan. Sinipat ko kung sino ito at nakita ang nagaalalang si Iscalade.

Sinundan niya ako?

"Philo, daan muna tayo sa hospital? O sa bahay muna para gamutin 'yan?" he immediately bended his knees to match my level.

How can he act so casual?

Like, he never loved me?

Iscalade, ikaw 'yata dapat ang maging guro. I laughed bitterly. Sana turuan mo ako paano mo 'yan nagagawa kasi ang sakit-sakit na. Parang sobra naman 'yata? Bakit parang wala ka nang tinitira para sa akin? Buong sistema ko durog na durog na.

"Philo? Masakit ba? Daldahin ko na lang 'yung bike mo -" he trailed off, upon noticing my expression.

"K-kaya ko pong umuwi nang mag-isa," mariin kong sabi. "Uuwi po ako nang mag-isa."

I tried getting up but I almost lost my balance. Agad akong sinalo ni Iscalade pero binawi ko agad ang paghawak niya sa akin.

"Philo, huwag ka namang makulit. Hindi mo kakayanin umuwi nang gan'yan. Ihahatid na lang kita..." nagsusumamong saad niya. Sunod pa rin siya nang sunod kahit iika-ika na ako sa pagpunta sa aking bike.

I bit my lower lip, sa sobrang diin ay parang dudugo na ito.

How dare he? How dare he sound so concern when he's the reason why I'm breaking right now? Why I feel like my chest is surrounded by an infinite number of cathastrophe? Why I feel like even if I wanted to hate him...I can't.

Kasi kasalanan ko.

Kasi hindi ako naging matapang no'ng una pa lang.

This is the worst what if I'll ever have.

Can you give me a reason to hate you, Iscalade? Can you just leave me alone right now? Para naman hindi sinasampal sa akin kung ano ang sinayang ko.

"K-kaya ko po...." pilit ko, kahit halos lumuhod na ako sa sobrang sakit ng aking mga tuhod. The blood were even dripping. May mga sasakyan na huminto pa nga upang silipin ako.

"Sugatan na ang mga binti mo, Philo. Paano ka makakapag bike?" Iscalade cooed, even holding me on my wrist. His honeyed voice can always make him sound so sweet.

Natigilan ako. I stopped from walking and turned to him. My chest were heaving as the tears kept on cascading down my dirtied face.

"Sugatan na rin naman ang puso ko pero mahal pa rin kita..." I wiped away the single tear that squeezed my heart tighter. I smiled at him painfully and watched how he look stunned.

I decided to still go with my bike. Hindi pinansin na sinusundan pa rin ako ni Iscalade. He only went away when I'm already at the gate of our house. Tiningnan ko ang unti-unting papaalis na kotse niya.

"Philomena Gracia! Ano ba 'yang ginagawa mo sa buhay mo!" singhal ni Mommy nang makita akong halos walang kabuhay-buhay na pumasok ng bahay.

I looked at her, feeling jaded. She's not even concern that I'm hurt. She doesn't even care that her only daughter is slowly losing her remaining strength. At tanging ang paglabag ko lang sa kan'ya ang napansin niya.

God, how long have I been blind? Sumisikip ang dibdib ko habang patuloy siya sa kan'yang litanya.

"Tingnan mo ang binti mo! Puno ng sugat! Ganti mo ba sa akin 'to?! You'll intentionally hurt yourself?! Papansin ka ba?!" sigaw niya habang mariin na hinawakan ang aking braso.

Pumiglas ako sa kan'yang hawak at aakyat na dapat nang hinaltak niya ako pabalik sa sala.

"Philomena Gracia! Hindi pa tayo tapos mag-usap! Anong ginawa mo sa sarili mo?! Is this because of your bike?! Sabi ko na nga ba! You shouldn't have learn how to ride one in the first place!" nanggagalaiting sigaw niya. I wanted to cover my ears.

Tama na.

"Philomena Gracia! Bakit ba kasi gan'yan ka?! You only think of yourself!"

Tigil na.

"Ang tanda mo na pero utak bata ka pa rin! Bakit ba hindi ka marunong makaintindi -"

Matagal na akong naging tahimik. I always had the voice and the freedom; I just didn't use it. Because I thought it wouldn't make a difference.

But it will.

It did.

"Ikaw, Mommy? Kailan ka makakaintindi?" I responded, looking at her. Natigilan siya. Her lips parted and she blinked incessantly.

"Anong sabi mo?" angil niya.

"Buong buhay ko, Mom. I always listen to you. I always understand you. Mali na, pero pilit kong iniintindi." I weeped softly. "And maybe that's my fault, I let you do that to me. I made you feel that you weren't depriving my freedom from me. Kaya ka naging gan'yan, Mom. You thought you had the power over everything when it comes to me..."

"I only did my best to raise you! May pagkain ka sa hapagkainan, you have clothes, you are studying in a prestigious school! How can you be such an ingrate?!"

Pagod akong bumaling ng tingin sa kan'ya.

"You're doing the bare minimum, Mom. Huwag mo po ipahiya sarili mo. You have more responsibilities than that and you know it." I said, coldly. It made her dissolved in her own silence.

We shouldn't praise someone for doing the bare minimum. We could appreciate it but never make it like it is something to look up to. I learned that the hard way.

Umakyat na ako sa kwarto ko, I left my Mom there looking like she was struck by lightning. Ilang oras lang ay umakyat na si Ate Flora na may dalang first aid kit. She helped me clean my wounds.

Pero bakit ang sakit pa rin?

✿✿✿

I tried so hard to forget him.

Pero lahat 'yata ng alam kong puntahan, siya ang nagturo aa akin. Even my bike is from him. Everything reminds me of him.

Pumasok ako sa klase at nakitang may first aid kit sa aking lamesa. Jeremy only smiled at me and I smiled back faintly. A banana milk and some fresh cookies were also there. Tiningnan ko ang maliit na note na nakalagay.

Arf arf arf bark bark wooof wooof woof! Bark arf woof! Bark arf arf woof! - Issie

(Magpagaling ka, Philo. Pakyu si Iscalade. Ako na nagmura sa kan'ya kasi di ka nagmumura - translated by Iscalade)

Pinigilan ko ang matawa. Nakakainis! Nakakainis siya! I bit my lower lip.

How do I return to my old self when his presence were almost in my everyday life?

I decided to give Lola Sunshine a visit. I don't have anyone to talk to right now. Paulene is busy, Kile is currently bombarded with gigs and it makes me feel shy that I have to borrow time from him. When I arrived at her front porch, Lola Sunshine immediately beamed at me.

"Lola Sunshine," I greeted with a small smile.

Unti-unti akong lumapit sa kan'ya. My steps were careful because I'm trying to contain my tears. Pakiramdam ko kapag lumapit ako agad, I might cry a river.

"Kamusta? Kakaalis lang ni Iscalade. Sayang at hindi kayo nagkatagpo..." Lola Sunshine returned the smile that I gave.

I give up. My tears betrayed me.

My voice broke. "M-may mahal na s-siyang iba, Lola."

Lola Sunshine's eyes softened, agad niya akong nilapitan upang yakapin. She caressed my hair as I cried on her arms.

"Shhh, it's okay. Sa una lang 'yan, Philo..." panga-alo niya.

"Maybe what we had wasn't true love..." I mumbled softly. "Kasi b-bakit naman gano'n?"

Lola Sunshine cackled, she cupped my face. Isang ngiti ang sumilay sa kan'yang mukha.

"Love does not need to be reciprocated for it to be true. The act of loving without expecting anything in return is already true love..." she muttered as she wiped away my tears.

"What you had is true love, Philo. Pero may mga pag-ibig lang talaga na hindi talaga para sa atin." She smiled, sadly.

I couldn't talk to Iscalade and I was avoiding him. Paulene seems to have her own problem with Mila. At tanging si Kile lang ang sumasagot sa tawag ko.

"Aray!" I pouted. "Dahan-dahan naman po!"

Kile snickered while putting the ice on my eyes. "Hindi ka na si Mama Mary. Ikaw na ang patron saint ng mga bubuyog. Grabe 'yan? Mukha nang luluwa mga mata mo kakaiyak mo e."

I continued eating my vanilla ice cream courtesy of Kile. Hindi ko alam kung bakit niya pa rin ako sinasamahan.

"Dapat nag-po ka kay Iscalade." Kile scowled.

"Po?" I asked.

"Oo, po? Potangina mo. Gano'n." He shrugged off. Nilalagyan pa rin ng yelo ang aking mga mata.

"Minumura mo po ba ako..." I only laughed. He smirked.

I guess, sometimes, letting go is the only option.

I decided to wrote Iscalade an email and saved it as a draft. Tinapos ko na rin ang normal days na sinulat ko noon.

"Are you sure? You'll let the school newspaper to use your work?" tanong ni Icarus. Marami kasi sa mga HUMSS ang nasa journalism club o mga nagaasikaso pagdating sa school newspaper.

I nodded my head.

Writers have a way when it comes to coping with pain; they write it. So that if anyone who is experiencing the same pain reads it, they will realize they were never alone. We all deal with pain, and this is the how a writer shows how pain can make you grow. How pain can be an inspiration for others.

Editor-in-Chief picks:

Normal Days
by Philomena Gracia Valderama of HUMSS 1

My normal days are mundane yet peaceful.

I would never trade it with anything.

I prefer drinking a warm tea over a bursting soda.

I would rather walk slowly than run with the wind.

I would prefer boring old movies than sticking myself with the crowd to watch a premiere night.
I like my normal days. Until you came.

You made my tea sweet, you become the honey to my warm tea. It might not have the same ingredients of a soda but it made my insides burst in euphoria.

You made me walk slower, because we talk in between of walking - and I wanted to talk more with you. So my footfalls gradually slowed down for us to talk more.

Old movies were never dull with you because you'll always have something to add, you reenacted a scene and boy, did you look more handsome than that hollywood star.

I like my normal days. I like them better with you. And so when you left me - I didn't know what to do.

When you left me during my normal days, my tea don't taste the same anymore, I add sugar in it to console myself because I don't have any honey with me yet the bitterness is still on my throat.

When you left me during my normal days, I would walk slower but realized I need to make my steps faster because I kept on thinking about you in each step I took. And I didn't want to think about you anymore.

When you left me during my normal days, boring old movies would make me cry because how could I ever forget how many times you recreated those scenes? Why did you have to remind me that you were more handsome than all of the hollywood stars combined?

I liked my normal days. I even loved them. I would never trade them. But I did. For you. You were an oddity in all of my normalcy; you weren't normal for me. Yet I let you stay in my normal days. And maybe that's where it all went wrong. I kept on telling myself you weren't part of my normal days - yet you were those normal days. You are my normal days.

I loved my normal days. I loved you. But you left. And honestly, as I write this down while pushing the tears away so it won't wet my paper - I don't know how to love my normal days anymore. I don't know how to love without you.

❛ ━━━━━━･❪ ❁ ❫ ･━━━━━━ ❜