Lifetime - Ben&Ben

Kabanata 34

Juliet's letter didn't reach Romeo in time; that simple course of event changed everything.

A piece of paper clothed in another paper could have save them both from the tragedy of their love story.

"I should probably give this po to him today..." I nibbled on my lower lip, gazing on the letter I wrote. Kahit naman patagalin ko pa ito, it will still be the same. I will still confess my feelings.

Kahit naduduwag, pinipilit na pakalmahin ang puso na tumatalbog sa kaba. I should probably stop drinking caffeine anymore.

"Philo?" he asked, umangat ang tingin ko sa kan'ya.

"K-kile, paano ka nagka-girlfriend noon?"

Kile and I are in a coffee shop. Dinalhan niya kasi ako ng mga book recommendations niya. And also, for some reason, he gave me a list of schools that are good when it comes to the credentials of the education course. Ang sabi ko sa kan'ya noon, political science ang kukuhanin ko pero duda raw siya.

Kile frowned at my question. Sa simpling itim na T-shirt at pantalon, nakukuha niya pa rin ang atensyon ng mga taong papasok sa coffee shop. Some girls even took pictures of him secretly. Kaso kitang-kita ko dahil ako ang kaharap ni Kile.

Did he also confess to her? Did he feel like his entire system is crumbling down? Kahit naman wala pa nga? Hindi pa nga nasasabi?

"Ah, di ko rin alam e." Kile puffed out his cheeks. "Honestly, sila 'yung mga umaamin. Syempre, papatulan ko naman. Ayoko naman makadagdag sa mga taong nagpapalungkot ng iba."

Hawak-hawak ko ang letter na ginawa ko no'ng isang araw. My Mom forced me to attend a two day meeting with her former contestants in Cebu. Halos buong dalawang araw ako na hindi mapakali. Kung kailan naman kasi ako naging handa, saka naman ito nangyari.

"Bakit mo ba tinatanong, Philomena?" Kile asked, glancing at the letter in my hand.

"W-wala po," sagot ko. Pilit na iniisip kung paano maibibigay kay Iscalade ang sulat. I could use a third party, but that will take more time.

I can't wait to tell him how much I yearned for him. Kung gaano siya kahalaga sa akin.

Kile smiled which made me astounded; he rarely shows his smile. Kaya naman napako ang tingin ko sa kan'yang maliit na ngiti.

"You plan on confessing to Iscalade?" mahina niyang tanong, almost trying to contain something in his throat.

"Opo," I answered. "Pero hindi ko alam paano. He's already distant towards me..."

Naduduwag ang puso ko. Ang tanging pamasak-butas ko sa aking nararamdaman ngayon ay maaaring ito na ang maging sagot sa matagal kong tanong. If the both of us will work out. Kung aamin ba ako, mananatili ba siya sa akin? Will he always be there for me? Will I have the right to call him mine?

"You just have to be a little bit braver," Kile said, feebly. Umiwas ang tingin. Tumingala at bumuntonghininga.

"I'm not even brave, Kile." Ngumiti ako nang malungkot. How can I be braver when I'm not even brave in the first place?

"Hm?" bumaling siya ng tingin sa akin, his eyes were misty for some reason. "But you are though."

"I'm not, ni hindi ko nga po masabi s-sa kanya agad 'yung nararamdaman k-ko po..." my gaze fell down, pinaglaruan ko ang dulo ng aking dress. I played with its ruffles.

"Philomena, you seem to not know what being brave is all about. Hindi ka naman agad na matapang e. You are brave enough to try. And that's already being brave."

"How can you say so po?" umangat ang tingin ko sa kan'ya. Kile, once again, smiled. His smile reaches his eyes. Tuwing ngumingiti siya, I can see genuine emotions.

"You're shy but you're currently in the strand of HUMSS; kung saan puhunan ang kapal ng mukha..." aniya.

"That's..."

"May curfew ka, pero pumuslit ka nang mag-isa para lang mabigyan ng regalo si Iscalade." He pointed out.

"Well..."

"You see, Philo..." nilapit niya ang kan'yang mukha sa akin. I gulped when I saw his cat eyes softening. 

"Love isn't just for the brave, Philo. On the contrary, love makes you brave."

Natutop ang aking mga labi. What he said make sense. Lahat ng ginawa ko ay nagpakita ng pagiging matapang dahil sa pag-ibig; dahil sa mahal ko ang aking strand kinaya ko kahit gaano kahirap para sa isang introvert na tulad ko ang makipag-sabayan sa mga extrovert na magagaling sa recites, I still excel in it.

I love Iscalade, that's why I may not be brave like everyone else but I can be brave enough to try. Kumalma na ang hindi mapakaling puso sa kakaisip. I smiled at Kile.

"Philo," Kile smiled back, a pained expression registered in his face. "Can I hug you?"

"Yes po," I gradually nodded. Tumayo siya upang pumunta sa pwesto ko. His arms snaked around my waist and he rested his chin on my shoulder.

"Listen, Philomena Gracia Valderama."

Nagulat ako sa biglaan niyang pagbulong sa aking tenga. Ang mainit niyang hininga ay tumatama sa aking leeg.

"I like you," his soulful voice lingered into my mind. "And what I want right now is for you to be happy. Regardless if its not with me. Masaya na ako na masaya ka. When you love someone, Philo. You learn how to be happy for them, kahit hindi na ikaw ang nagiging dahilan kung bakit sila masaya."

Lalong naging garagal ang kan'yang boses. "Do not live in your what ifs. You have to pursue it - because the thing about what ifs, they remain as what ifs. It doesn't change... unless you pursue it."

Unti-unti niyang tinanggal ang kan'yang mga bisig na nakapulupot sa akin kanina. Tumingin siya sa akin habang nakaawang ang labi ko, I'm still processing what he told me. He likes me?

Inayos niya ang kan'yang buhok, I saw a glimpse of his ear. Wala na siyang piercings, kahit isa ay wala ng natira.

"Friends?" he extended his shaking hand. Sa isang pilit na paraan ng pagngiti, I saw how much he was hurting. 

"I thought you didn't want to be friends..."

"Oh sige, boyfriend mo na lang kapag ayaw sa'yo ni Iscalade?" sarkastikong saad niya habang nakataas ng isang kilay. I chuckled.

"Friends," I decided to accept his hand. Ngumiti sa akin si Kile. Inayos niya ang ilang nalaglag na hibla sa aking mukha. I can feel his gentle touch on my cheeks.

"Magpapaalaga ka sa kan'ya, ha? If ever he hurts you;  may it be emotionally or physically, kahit gaano mo siya kamahal, Philomena Gracia. You promise me, you'll leave him okay? You won't settle with a love that is least deserving, promise me that..." he kept on touching my cheeks using his fingerss.

"I p-promise..." unti-unting tumulo ang mga butil ng luha sa aking pisngi.

"Bakit ka umiiyak?" he asked, not knowing that he was the first one who cried. Hindi niya alintana ang bawat luhang lumalabas sa kan'yang naniningkit na mga mata.

Kile deserved so much better than an unrequited love. Pero si Iscalade ang mahal ko. At mas masasaktan ko siya kung patuloy siyang aasa sa akin.

"I don't believe in other lifetimes, Philomena. Because I think it's unfair," Kile slackened his jaw. "Tangina, ang unfair kasi talaga. Isipin mo? Nandito ako sa lifetime na hindi ako ang mahal mo?"

My chest felt a pang of guilty as the pain invades me.

"I wished, I could travel through other dimensions too; other lifetimes. Because if I can, Philo? I'll searched a universe where the two of us ended up together. I'll kept looking until I find a lifetime where you can love me too." He smiled, bitterly. Agad siyang bumuntong hininga.

Puno ng sakit ang kan'yang ekspresyon. He blew off some steam before giving me another set of his smiles. I murmurred a soft sorry because the silence is making me numb.

"Pero Philomena, even if I want that to happen. We can only have this lifetime. And in this lifetime, the two of us can't be together..."

"You deserve someone better, Kile..."

"Oo naman," he chuckled, unti-unting pinahid ang mga luha. Kumunot nang bahagya ang kan'yang noo.

"Parang Pilipinas lang; it deserved so much better and that's why it shouldn't settle for less. Nakapag-register ka na 'di ba? I'll give you a list of politicians that has a clear plan for our country. Hindi 'yung nagiging John Cena bigla ang pangalan matapos manalo at lalo na hindi 'yung di mo talaga alam paano napunta sa pwesto. Magician ang pota."

I laughed at how he diverted the topic. Kile only wrinkled his nose at nagbigay din nang tipid na ngiti.

Maybe, in another lifetime, Kile Conjuanco. You won't have to love me. You'll have a girl that will love you so much more than what you can give. And maybe there are no other lifetimes, this is the lifetime where you will find her too.

✿✿✿

Sakay ang aking bisekleta, dumiretso ako sa bahay nila Iscalade. Gabi na at halos hamog na ang dala ng bawat humpay ng hangin sa aking balat. I was wearing a dress beneath my cardigan.

Tinigil ko ito sa harap ng kanilang gate. I already called Iscalade and he was waiting for me in front of their house. Sinalubong niya ako nang isang hilaw na ngiti.

"Philo, gabi na ah. Di ka papagalitan?" tanong niya. My heart was palpitating loudly. Ito lamang ang tanging ingay na ririnig ko.

Tumikhim ako. Tumakas na naman ako kay Mommy ngayong gabi. Galit naman siya sa akin, sasagarin ko na lang muna. Pareho lang naman ang reaksyon niya.

"Uhm, ah..." I chuckled softly. "A-ano po, k-kasi..."

"Ano po?" he offered a small smile, he even tilted his head to make it look playful.

"May ibibigay p-po ako..." my hands were shaking, pilit kong kinakain ang takot na nararamdaman. My knees were wobbling as I went near to him. Matangkad si Iscalade kaya naman lalo akong tinubuan ng hiya nang tuluyan na kaming maging magkaharap.

Napatingin siya sa aking nanginginig na kamay. He gently reached for the letter I was offering to him. Patuloy ang mabilis na pagtibok nang aking puso.

Hindi ko rin mapigilan ang namumuong kilig sa aking sistema. If he still like me, will be finally be together? Maliligawan na ako? Papayag kaya sila Mommy? I hope she does! Si Iscalade lang naman 'yon. Should I make the courtship worthwhile or should I just say yes immediately?

My head was spinning because of the constant questions. Hindi na naman mapatigil ang puso ko sa pagiisip ng kung anu-ano. Wala pa nga! Binabasa pa lamang niya.

It was making nervous as he was reading my letter painfully slow. Ang bagal nang bawat paglipat ng kan'yang mga mata.

His lips parted. Tumingin siya sa akin.

I was expecting him to hug me or maybe kiss me. Just like how books portray it.

Yet, he didn't.

Natuod siya sa kan'yang pwesto.

"Philo..." he called me in a pained voice, his eyes showing intense affliction. "I'm sorry."

"P-po?" parang hinaltak lahat ng nararamdaman ko kanina. Unti-unting winasak ang aking mga pantasya.

"Hindi na kasi pwede..." he spoke sadly, he bit his lower lip before cussing. "Philo, I didn't know. God, I didn't know..."

Paulit-ulit siyang umiling. May mga namumuong luha sa gilid ng kan'yang mga mata.

"B-bakit po ba? A-ayaw mo p-po ba sa akin?" nababasag na ang boses ko. Unti-unting rumehistro ang kinakatakutan ko. I wetted my lips because it felt like it is being dried out.

Nakatingin lang ako sa kan'ya, hope still lingering even if all signs are pointing towards the inevitable.

He'll reject me.

He will.

He'll definitely reject me.

"Nililigawan ko na si Naiara, Philo."

Nalaglag ang puso ko. Halos hindi ako makagalaw. Ang mga luhang pinipigilan ay unti-unting umagos. Ang sakit na nararamdaman ay unti-unting lumabas.

Sa nangangatal na paraan, pinilit ko pa rin tatagan ang aking boses.

"K-kailan lang po?" nagtatahip-tahip ang aking dibdib. Pakiramdam ko ay sisinukin na naman ako.

"Kahapon lang..." he replied, before gulping a lump in his throat. Paulit-ulit siyang umiling, puno ng awa ang kan'yang mga matang nakadapo sa akin. "Philo, I'm so sorry..."

I always knew that young love will always be memorable; because it is the first time that you will ever feel that you are loved. Yet most of the time, it will be the first time your heart will be shattered to pieces too; tiny pieces that will pierce what's remaining of you until you are numb althrough out.

❛ ━━━━━━･❪ ❁ ❫ ･━━━━━━ ❜
hi! my updates are frequent po for POF. its either a day after the update, or fri-sat-sun (free days) i'll delete this note rin mamaya. hope everyone is having a great day! ily

all of my love, li