Kabanata 32

The thing about love; we're contented not climbing the fence and not risking our hearts yet we cannot envisaged them loving someone else.

I tried to talk to Iscalade, my chest aches whenever I remember him being with Naiara. Paulit-ulit ang scenario na 'yon sa utak ko. Paulit-ulit lang din akong nasasaktan. Parang isang pelikulang ayaw mo na mapanood pero 'yun lang ang tanging palabas sa telebisyon.

"Iscalade..." my voice trembled, hindi makatingin sa kan'ya nang diretso. "A-are you free during the weekends?"

"May pupuntahan ako, Philo." He shook his head. "Bakit? May gusto ka bang puntahan? Gusto mo hatid kita? O kailangan mo ipagpaalam?"

I sighed exasperatedly. Umiling na lang ako at nagbigay nang isang matamlay na ngiti.

"It's okay po..."

I just miss you so much. I miss hanging out with you. I miss your silly jokes. I miss playing with Issie. I miss watching movies with you. I miss you. I miss you so much, Iscalade.

And I can never say that out loud. Para akong palaging nawawalan ng boses pagdating sa'yo, Iscalade.

I never had any problem with my shyness. Kahit ilang beses na ipamukha sa akin na mas mabuti sana kung naging extrovert ako o kung mas nagkaroon ako ng kumpiyansa sa sarili. Ngayon ko lang kinasuklaman ito.

I'm losing you because of my silence and I cannot do anything about it.

Maybe this is how the little mermaid felt when the prince fell for someone else. She can withstand the pain of sharp little knives on her feet as she step on the land to pursue her prince, she can sacrifice her beautiful voice even at the expense of cutting her tongue just to be with him.

Yet, she cannot live with the fact that the prince is in love with someone else. And maybe, that's the ugly truth. It's hard to accept that the person you love is being completely, madly and truly smitten with another person.

Because that person could have been you. It could have been the both of you.

Pinipigilan ko ang mga mata ko kahit parang ang anghang na naman ng mga gilid nito. I can't cry now. Walang dahilan para umiyak ako.

My heart kept on breaking just because my mouth won't cooperate with it. Gaano ba kahirap ang salitang "Mahal kita" at hindi ko mabanggit? There's always a huge obstacle inside my throat.

Iscalade noticed the sullen expression on my face.

"Hindi naman abala sa akin," malambing niyang sabi. Pero agad siyang natauhan at tumikhim. "Best friend naman tayo 'di ba? Kaya wala 'yon sa akin."

"I'll cancel my plans for you. You don't have to cry, Philo."

Tinanggal ni Iscalade 'yung isang luhang nakalagay sa aking mga pilikmata. He offered a gentle smile as he remove the falling strands of hair in my face.

"May problema ka ba sa bahay niyo?" he asked. I gradually nodded. Kapag sa kan'ya, nagagawa kong magsabi ng mga problema ko sa bahay. I tend to keep it to myself most of the time because I don't like sharing my family problems with others. Pakiramdam ko kasi hindi naman lahat ng tao ay maiintindihan ito.

My chest tightened, that's right. Bukod kay Iscalade na unti-unting lumalayo ang loob sa akin, isa rin si Mommy sa mga iniisip ko. She's avoiding me ever since that day. Minsan ay nagpaparinig pa na nagiging pariwara na raw ako.

You can truly never judge a person's shoe without trying it on. Madali lang sabihin na sundin mo na lang ang magulang mo, pero paano susundin kung parang mali? Kung parang hindi tama? Should you still follow them?

I have been a devoted follower of my parents. At kahit mali, pinipilit ko na lang intindihin. But sometimes, there's this ache in my chest that I cannot ignore anymore. I cannot stay forever blinded with my love for them.

We cannot always blind ourselves from the truth; the truth is the painful cure to the illness of blind devotion. Paano magiging tama ang isang mali kung hindi ito pupunahin?

Ang mahabang litanya ng aking isip ay naputol lamang dahil sa pagbabasa ko. In the end, kinain na naman ako ng takot. I was once again consumed by my fear of rejection and the aftermath of what ifs.

Pinilit ko na lamang ang sarili ko na isipin na mas may dapat akong bigyan pansin ngayon. We're currently in our second semester and I have to focus on my studies just so I can divert my attention. His entire existence is etched on my mind.

Binuklat ko ang notebook ko sa trends. The first page contained a calligraphy of the subject's name which is Trends, Networks and Critical Thinking in the 21st Century.

I tried flipping some pages. I skimmed through it. Trend is considered to be a behavior or new method of doing things that has a huge impact when it comes to our society. It can also be a line or curve on a graph that represents a sequential pattern of change in a state, output, or process, or an average or general tendency of a series of data points to move in a certain direction over time.

Iscalade is with Naiara right now.

Pinilig ko ang aking ulo. My mind is making me feel upset. Pinilit ko basahin pa ang mga sumusunod.

"The process of gathering data and trying to detect a pattern, or trend, in the data is known as trend analysis." I tried to read each word so I can drown the constant voices that echoes his name in my head.

"The act of spotting new trends or trying to predict the future is known as trend spotting." I continued but my heart is continously pounding against my chest.

Is he really with her?

Ginagawa rin kaya nila ang ginagawa naming dalawa?

Did he already...replace me?

"A t-trend spotter is someone who observes and reports on current new fashions, ideas, or events..." my voice slowly backs out. Pakiramdam ko kahit ang boses ko ay hindi ko na kaya makumbinsi.

There's a hollow feeling inside my chest. Gusto ko ito matanggal pero hindi ko magawa. Every time I feel alone and lonely, Iscalade is there for me.

But now that he's not...

I sighed to myself and tried to continue reading the comparison between fads and trends. Sinikap kong maging uto-uto sa aking sarili. That's right, I can do it. I can pretend that it's alright.

I scanned my notebook using my eyes, trying to digest every word to forget Iscalade even for a minute. Fads have a brief lifespan, it develops and disappears rapidly, and are considered to be recurrent. Trends on the other hand are successful, have been around for more than a year, have a high level of popularity and long-term popularity, are socially constructed, considered to be a persistent phenomena that persist over time, and has a high demand on the market.

Natigilan ako. I couldn't flip in the next page anymore.

Maybe I'm just the fads compare to Naiara who's maybe the trends. Hindi ako pangmatagalan tulad n'ya at baka nga mas gusto talaga s'ya ng karamihan tulad ni Iscalade. Sumimangot ako sa ideya na 'yon. I feel like my head is trying to really make me feel bad. I actually already feel worst.

Sinara ko na ang notebook ko. That's it, I can't take it anymore. I gently tapped both my cheeks as I let out a long deep breath. I decided that maybe sleeping will finally let me find the serenity that I need.

✿✿✿

"I never thought I'll enjoy Rick and Morty," I exclaimed. Season 4 na agad kami ni Kile sa panonood. I never thought an adult animated series can be this fun.

"Dark humor?" Ngisi ni Kile habang inaabutan ako ng buttered popcorn.

It makes me remember Iscalade. Kamusta kaya siya? He offered to cancel his plans but I didn't want that. Ayoko naman na isipin niyang pa-importante ako. I want him to still enjoy his life. Ayoko naman maging ako ang sentro nito. It is just...It kinda hurts knowing that he's with Naiara right now.

"It's nice to watch it, kasi 'di ba po ang dami niyang lifetimes? Ang daming timelines kung saan pwede niyang makita ang mga what ifs ng buhay niya..."

Rick can travel through other lifetimes, he can see what would have happened if only he choose the other options.

"You think there's a lifetime po where I'm actually a teacher?" I asked Kile, fidgeting my fingers.

"Oo naman." Kile gradually nodded. "This lifetime, Philo. You'll be a teacher in this lifetime."

Umiling ako at nagbigay nang isang tipig na ngiti.

"Lawyer po ang gusto nila—"

"Philo, you know the wrong impression that there's another lifetime gives?"

Lumingon ako kay Kile. Halos parang hinahabol ako sa tindi ng bawat tibok ng aking puso. He was looking at me intently. Kinakabahan ako na baka magbago ang isip ko. I am a lawyer. I will be a lawyer —

"There is no other lifetimes for you, Philo. This is your lifetime. The other lifetimes are for the other version of you. Hindi mo kontrolado ang mangyayari sa susunod na habangbuhay; pero kontrolado mo ang habangbuhay mo ngayon."

His words bolted through my being. He was right once again. That the only lifetime I have is now and my choices will define how I'll live in this lifetime. Napabuntong hininga na lamang ako.

Maybe the fascination of other lifetimes stems from the thought that we can live our what ifs; we chose the roads we didn't take, the person we didn't love, the choices that scared us to death. We only want other lifetimes because we weren't brave enough to choose what's uncertain, unknown and what could have been the greatest risk we took.

Nasa gitna na kami ng kalsada dahil ihahatid na sana ako ni Kile. Pero nakita ko si Marko at Malia sa isang bangketa. Agad kong pinahinto kay Kile ang kotse para bumaba kami. They were picking up some trash and the stench made me cover my nose. Halos mabasag ang puso ko sa nakikita ko ngayon.

"Ate Philo!" Marko greeted me with a guilty expression on his face. Agad niyang tinago si Malia sa kan'yang likod.

"Ate Philo!" daing ni Malia na halos hindi ko makilala sa sobrang payat. My lips parted in surprise.

"Marko, bakit hindi niyo na ako dinadalaw sa school?" lumapit ako sa kanila, tinanggal ang pagtakip sa aking ilong.

I didn't want them to be ashame of themselves. Maayos na trabaho ang paghahanap ng kalakal pero para sa mga musmos na tulad nila? This was too much.

"Ate, nahihiya na po kasi ako." Marko stated, unti-unting yumuko upang punasan ang kan'yang mga kamay.

"M-malayo po kasi 'yung school niyo, Ate Philo. Pinapalo po kami ni Tatay kapag late kami nakakauwi tapos wala pang pera na nabibigay sa kanya." Malia weeped, tears brimming in her eyes.

"Ibigay kaya natin sila sa DSWD? This isn't the place for kids like them." Kile seethed, gritting his teeth. "Nasaan mga magulang niyo?"

"N-nasa b-bahay po," Malia answered despite the protest of her brother. Kita ko ang kaba ni Marko sa kan'yang mga mata.

"H-huwag niyo po kami ibibigay sa DSWD, parang awa niyo na po." Marko pleaded, hinawakan niya pa ako sa aking braso. "Ate Philo, huwag po..."

"Mas magiging maayos ang buhay niyo roon," hinaplos ko ang kan'yang buhok na halos manigas na ang bawat hibla. I felt the excruciating pain of how neglected they were.

"Walang maga-alaga kay Nanay at Tatay, Ate Philo. Kami lang ni Malia ang inaasahan nila."

My throat constricted as I felt my chest tightening. My professor in UCSP told us before that we Filipinos are known for our filial ties. We tend to give more importance to our family compare to other countries. Pero minsan ay sobra na — at lahat ng sobra ay hindi maganda. It becomes toxic, but we cannot let it go because people expect us to always act filial since it is one of our core values. Pero hindi e, mali na.

Tama na.

Tigil na.

Hindi na.

We should know when to stop blinding ourselves from the truth. And this is the truth. That some people do not know their responsibilities. They do not care about us. Kung sino pa ang inaasahan natin, sila pa ang nawawala tuwing kailangan natin sila.

We decided not to go to the DSWD. Pero pumunta kami sa supermarket para bumili ng grocery nila. Kile insisted to buy them clothes, at sa condo niya ito muna magpahinga bago namin sila ibalik sa kanilang bahay. Marko and Malia looked like they needed some rest. Sobrang nangangayayat na sila.

"Did you bought them milk?" tanong ni Kile habang chini-check 'yung mga pinamili namin. Mukhang balak niya pa itong dagdagan.

"Yup," I nodded my head while Malia was resting on my shoulders. Nakahilig ito sa akin. Matapos maligo ay nakatulog siya sa aking mga bisig.

"Si Marko?" tanong ni Kile. At agad naman kaming lumingon sa sala ng condo. Marko was watching cartoons on the TV. Tuwang-tuwa siya sa Spongebob Squarepants.

"Sorry po," napakamot sa ulo si Marko nang mapansin na nakatingin kami sa kan'ya. "Tuwing Linggo lang po kasi ako nakakanood nito sa karinderya..."

My heart ached once again.

Nanood lang nang nanood si Marko habang kumakain ng buttered popcorn. Sinamahan siya ni Kile at no'ng nagkaroon ng kaunting oras ay naglaro pa sila ng playstation. Malia woke up and played with my hair.

"Kuya Kile!" Malia giggled. "Tirintas!"

I winced when my hair were tangled all together. Buhol-buhol ito kaya naman nagmukha akong bruha. Tinawanan lang ito ni Kile, he decided to untangle my hair for me.

"Malia, ganito dapat..." Kile said softly. I notice how gentle he is to the children. Hindi siya naging sarkastiko o kaya'y nagpakita ng ugali sa kanila.

Kile braided my hair, kahit buhol-buhol ito ay hindi ako nasaktan. His fingers raked my hair but never did he hurt my scalp. Sobrang nagiingat 'yata siya na mahila ang buhok ko. His touch were gentle as he untangled my hair.

"Kile, ano pong ginagawa niyo?" I asked because he's taking a long time to braid my hair.

"Huwag kang makulit..." I can feel the smirk on his face. Ano kayang ginagawa nito?

"Ate Philo! Ang ganda!" Malia jumped on Kile's bed. "Gusto ko rin tirintas!"

I looked at the mirror. Kile made a fishtail braid while inserting small sampaguita flowers on my hair.

"Binayaran ko 'yung sampaguita na tinitinda nila," Kile shrugged off. "Wala naman akong santo sa bahay, kaya sa'yo ko na lang nilagay."

I chuckled softly. "Thank you po, Kile."

Tinirintas din niya ang buhok ni Malia na sobra ang galak nang makita ito sa salamin. She looked so happy despite her frail body.

"Ate Philo! Tirintas niyo rin po si Kuya Kile!" kumikinang ang mata ni Malia.

Kumunot ang noo ni Kile. Agad siyang napalingon sa akin.

"Akala niya po siguro kaya ka nagpapahaba ng buhok dahil gusto mo rin magpa-tirintas," I said. Kumuha ako ng isang scrunchie, to ponytail his hair. Inabot ko ang buhok niya para ako mismo ang magtali. He bended his knees for me to be able to reach it.

Tinali ko ang kan'yang buhok. I smiled at him. "You look nice when you tie your hair."

His eyes travelled to my lips. Agad siyang ngumisi at umiling. He even bit his lower lip before chuckling softly.

"Isa na lang po 'yung piercing niyo," puna ko nang mapansin ang kan'yang tenga. Paunti kasi ito nang paunti.

"Wala e, masaya na ako." Ngiti niya na agad niyang binawi bago ko pa man ito mapuna. He really didn't like showing his smile. Bagay pa naman sa kan'ya, it makes him look a little bit more of himself.

We took a picture. Gusto kasi ni Malia magkaroon kaming apat. I looked at my instagram and saw that Kile tagged me. It was the recently uploaded picture of us. Nakita ko ang mga comments.

justkileme hi! i'm planning to have a short gig for these 2 children. are u guys up for it? kung hindi, de wag.

damenorte mukha kayong nagbabahay-bahayan diyan, complete props! may mga bata pa 😂

bnaiara RAWR Daddy Kile! HAHAHA

enochknock ninong here.

justkileme HAHAHAHA pekyu kayong lahat. ginawa niyo pa akong batang ama.

My eyes spotted a familiar username. Mga kaibigan ni Iscalade.

Giorgiyo @Ladegetslaid sorry napindot.

sathrcs @Ladegetslaid so kung family sila, ikaw 'yung aso?

fatherdeus ok 👌 ang hina ng pamato ko.

Giorgiyo @Ladegetslaid auto-comment kuya, sorry ulit.

Wala akong nakitang reply kay Iscalade.

Hinatid namin si Malia at Marko sa kanilang bahay. Kile offered his condo but the two kids were worried about their parents. Hinatid na rin ako ni Kile nang makauwi na ang dalawa. I sprawled on my bed, sumulyap ako sa sidetable para kuhanin ang cellphone ko.

I decided to post it on my account too since Kile is planning to have a small gig for the kids. Lahat daw ng kikitain sa tickets ay mapupunta kay Malia at Marko. In a short period of time, Kile is already close with the both of them. Magaling siya sa bata. It took a few minutes before I finally saw Iscalade's username.

Ladegetslaid liked your photo.

That's it.

Hindi ko alam bakit parang hinalukay ang lamang loob ko dahil lang sa pag-like niya. He didn't leave any comment. I never knew that a simple like on a picture can make me feel so empty.

Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit. It's just a reaction. Wala dapat itong meaning pero binibigyan ko.

I decided to message him on Facebook. My fingers were shaking as I press his profile. Pinalitan niya pala 'yung cover photo niya. It used to be me and Issie. Ngayon ay isang groupfie kasama si Naiara. I looked at the time he changed his cover; it was yesterday. Ibig sabihin, he didn't do this because he saw my picture with Kile.

I feel pathetic. I always hated how jealousy can make you feel like an awful person. Hindi ko alam bakit inisip ko na sana pinalitan niya 'yung cover niya dahil nakita niya 'yung picture. Maybe because I craved for his attention. It made me feel awful and I don't like it.

I hate this feeling. Pakiramdam ko ang sama kong tao. Hindi naman ako ganito. Tinitigan ko nang matagal ang picture. Wala naman dapat ipag-selos. He used to have other pictures with his friends too. Bakit sobra akong apektado porke't nandoon si Naiara?

And Naiara's really nice! She never make me feel bad. Ngayon lang. Nakakainis! I'm pissed off because of myself. Naiinis ako sa sarili ko. Naiara doesn't deserve this. This is also unfair to Kile, I cannot use him just because of how I feel.

Naiiyak ako sa inis ko sa sarili ko. This is making me feel irrational. Alam ko naman na mali kaya naman pilit kong tinatama. I will never forgive myself if I hated someone for all the wrong reasons and I will never stoop down to using someone else for my own satisfaction.

I scrolled through my feed trying to tame my feelings. I saw a post from North.

Damon North
kapag si kile na-in love, nagiging makata. Sample naman diyan.

Kile commented on his post.

Kile
sigi, Two rhymes two rhymes lang.
Tangina mo talaga,
Pakyu ka pa, Hilaga.

Damon North
kulang sa emosyon HHAHAHA 😭

Kile
Take 2
Tangina mo talaga,
Pakyu ka pa, Hilaga.
With feelings <3 ./.

❛ ━━━━━━･❪ ❁ ❫ ･━━━━━━ ❜