Kabanata 31

I kneeled and prayed for forgiveness. Dinala ko ang sarili ko sa simbahan gamit ang bisekletang regalo ni Iscalade sa akin. Tumakas ulit ako gaya noon.

I prayed for forgiveness; not only for myself but for my mother as well. For all the harsh words she spoke of and for all the doubts that's growing inside my heart.

We were both hurting. We, humans, tend to hurt others when we're hurting; because we think we don't deserve to get more hurt than others and they don't deserve to be happier than us.

Kaya pilit kong iniintindi, pilit kong pinipikit ang aking mga mata, at pilit kong pinapanatag ang sarili ko na kaya ko ang sakit na nararamdaman ko ngayon.

I wonder, if Iscalade is free today? I stalled for a while, iniisip ko kung may karapatan ba akong tawagan siya. But I did, because whenever I feel disappointed, he's the first person who cheers me up.

I nervously put a greeting on our conversation. Mabilis naman mag-reply si Iscalade sa akin.

It will probably only take a few minutes...or hours. Naghihintay ako sa kakaunting silong sa labas ng simbahan, I rubbed my arms because the rain started pouring. Wala akong dalang payong. At halos manginig ako nang may mga dumaang kidlat.

I looked at Iscalade's number. Wala pa rin siyang reply. I tried to text him again. Pero mahigit isang oras ang lumipas ay wala pa rin talaga siyang sagot.

Maybe...he's busy?

Yet, he's rarely busy. Kahit no'ng may sakit siya, he was able to reply to me within seconds. My throat constricted. This is not something I should cry on. Maybe the feeling I had when it comes to my Mom is still manifesting in my entire system. Kaya naman naiiyak pa rin ako.

I tried contacting Paulene, pero nang sinagot niya ang tawag ko ay nakarinig ako ng mga tawanan sa kan'yang background.

"Sorry, Philo! May groupings kasi kami. Bakit ka ba tumawag?" Paulene asked, slowly removing herself from the noises in her background. I felt guilty because she's currently busy too.

"I miss you po..." tugon ko, pilit na tinatago ang lungkot sa boses. "I just called to say I miss you po."

"I miss you too! Hang out soon! Kailan ka ba free?" Paulene merrily said. Agad kong binaba ang tawag. I know she'll figure out that something is wrong if our talk prolong. Kaya ako na mismo ang nagbaba. She tried calling again but I kept on declining her calls. I texted her that I was alright.

I searched on my contact list. Wala man lang ni isang tao bukod sa dalawang nauna kong natawagan ang maaasahan ko talaga. I doubt that Dad will entertain me and for obvious reasons, I cannot call my Mom.

Yet, Kile was also on my contact list. At dahil lumalakas lalo ang ulan— I called him even if I wasn't sure if he'll answer. Ayoko pa kasi sanang umuwi sa bahay. I want to submerge the hate inside of me first.

Kapag galit tayo, we become the harsh version of ourselves. At hindi natin alam na maaaring may madamay sa galit natin kahit inosente naman sila. I don't want to be that person. I want my anger to only be with me. Because no one deserves to be treated any less than a person just because you're angry. You cannot project your anger to someone else.

"Hey," a voice called my name. Agad niya ako inabutan ng payong. My gaze lifted and Kile looked at me with his brows furrowed. Ang sungit talaga kahit kailan.

Kile looked a bit disheveled. Ang buhok niyang umaabot hanggang sa kanyang batok ay medyo basa, probably because of few dewdrops from the rain. Ang lakas din kasi ng hangin.

"Alam kong mukha kang santa pero nasa simbahan ka kahit hindi Sunday?" Ngumisi siya.

"Hindi lang naman po Sunday bukas ang simbahan," I corrected him and immediately bit my lip. See? When I'm angry, I get a little grumpy.

Nagkibit balikat si Kile at pinayungan ako papunta sa kotse niya. Hindi na ako sanay sa mga kotse'ng ganito. His car looked nice; it's an expensive one base on the brand. Pero mas gugustuhin ko pa rin ang Hilux ni Iscalade.

Sumakay ako sa shotgun seat. Agad na tinapik ni Kile ang balikat ko kaya naman lumingon ako sa kan'ya.

"Seatbelt," maikling saad niya. I nodded and buckled my seatbelt. My phone vibrated and I immediately beamed upon seeing it's Iscalade.

Iscalade:

Sorry, Philo. Medyo busy lang.

Why did you call? You need anything?

Philomena:

Magpapasama lang po sana...

Pero okay na po. 😊

Iscalade:

Ingat ka.

And I'd lie if I told my heart that everything is fine. Halos malusaw ang puso ko nang mabasa ang reply niya. I know it's probably just me overthinking things but it sounded so cold. My eyes fell as my shoulders slumped. Bumuga ako ng isang pagod na hininga.

God, why do I feel like crying?

Pagod na pagod na po ang mga mata ko. I cannot always repressed what I feel. I cannot always fill my chest with all of these emotions.

Gusto ko malaman kung bakit ganito ang pakiramdam ko. That something has changed when it comes to him. But I deserved it. Kung magiging malamig man siya sa akin; I deserve every ounce of it because I rejected him. I broke his heart to save mine. But I also did it to save him from falling into something uncertain. Mas malalim na pagkahulog; mas malalim na sakit.

"Saan muna tayo?" Kile asked as he maneuvered the steering wheel.

"Mall po?" I suggested while texting our family driver to kindly pick up my bike in the church. Kilala ko naman ang mga pari at madre roon. They're very kind to me. Kahit ang iba ay medyo masungit, nevertheless they're kind.

We stopped by to a mall. Agad kaming dumiretso sa National Bookstore. Halos kuminang ang mga mata ko. Maraming bagong labas! Oh, how I loved the smell of new books! A wave of bibliosmia surged into me. Handang-handa na ako ilabas ang wallet ko nang mapansin na wala pala akong dala. I pursed my lips because I left my wallet. Ang lakas pa ng loob ko na magyaya sa isang mall.

"Naiwan ko po wallet ko," I said, gazing down because of shame. "Uwi na lang po tayo."

"I have mine with me," agap ni Kile. "Ako na bahala. And don't worry, I have my own funds. Hindi ko ginagamit ang kinukurakot ng tatay ko. You don't have to feel guilty."

"Bakit gan'yan po kayo sa tatay niyo?" my forehead formed a small crease. Palagi niya kasing sinisiraan ang papa niya sa harap ko.

"Thou shall not lie," Kile preached, even lifting his right hand. "The only reason I'm studying PolSci, gusto ko ako mismo magpapakulong sa kan'ya. Thug life gano'n. Like a boss."

"Magulang mo po siya..."

"You do not tolerate wrong doings, Philo. Kahit pa magulang mo 'yan. You're their child, it's your duty to correct them as much as they can correct you."aniya.

He raked his hair using his fingers. Kaya napansin ko na kakaunti na lang ang piercings niya sa kan'yang tenga. Still, it didn't look bad on him.

"Nagtanggal ka po ng piercings?" I diverted the topic. We have clashing opinions about it, pero hindi mo naman kasi pwedeng ipagpilitan ang isang opinyon lamang.

"Yup," he popped the 'p' and lifted his eyebrows playfully.

"Bakit po?"

"Wala lang," he shrugged off. "I just feel happy these days."

"That's good po!" I beamed at him. "I hope you won't have any heartaches anymore. Pero bagay po sa inyo mga piercings niyo..."

Ngumiti lang siya. And I almost gasped. Hala! Did he just smile? Agad itong nawala nang mapansin niya ang bahagyang pagkagulat ko. Why though? He looked really nice whenever he's smiling! Parang ang bait niya tingnan.

"Tara na, pumili ka na ng libro." He craned his neck to the shelves. Dumiretso kami sa Young Adult section.

Nalulungkot ako tuwing napapadaan sa Filipino Litt section. Kakaunti lang kasi ang mga titles at minsan kung ano lang ang sikat 'yun at 'yun lang talaga ang binibenta. Mas marami pang ina-angkat na libro galing sa ibang bansa kumpara sa mga libro na nilimbag sa ating bansa.

I don't know if it's because of the colonial mentality or the literature written outside our country is better. I hope it's the former because I know that stories written by Filipinos are poured with their blood, sweat and tears. May puso ang bawat kwentong isinulat ng mga Filipino.

It just saddens me that writers here in the Philippines are not well received compare to the writers from the other countries. Kapag manunulat ka o nag-aral ka para makapagsulat ng isang literatura; they'll mock you for it. Para sa kanila, courses that came from pure passion are not worth it. Ang sakit lang no'n; because what if you're really good at it? You'll have to fit yourself like a misplaced piece of puzzle into something you're not even a part of.

"Wala naman po," I tried looking for the books I've wanted to read. Hala sige, Philo. Marami ka pang babasahin sa bahay! Pero dagdag ka lang nang dagdag. I bit my lower lip because of guilt.

"Ano ba hinahanap mo?" tanong sa akin ni Kile. May hawak siyang libro. Norwegian Wood ni Haruki Murakami.

"Well..." I whispered him the titles, nakita ko na medyo bumilog ang mga singkit niyang mata. Agad akong nahiya kaya naman tinakpan ko ang mukha ko gamit ng aking buhok.

"That's..." he chuckled lightly. "Wait. Parang alam ko na."

He helped me search for those books. Nagulat ako dahil pinagtatanggal niya 'yung mga nasa harapan na libro. Parang kinakalkal niya talaga.

My eyebrows knitted and my gaze widened upon realizing the books I was looking for was hidden on the back of the other books!

Parang hidden passage! Ang galing! Did he use to work for National Bookstore too? O baka naman naging librarian siya? How did he know this?

"Thank you po!" I almost jumped because of joy. "Paano niyo po nalaman na nasa likod po 'yung mga libro?"

Kile cleared his throat. "Isa 'yan sa mga pinagbabawal na technique..."

"Pinagbabawal na technique?" I looked at him with an expression that made him look like what he said was ridiculous. He only laughed at me.

We continued the search for the books I had in mind. Kinuha ko lahat ng mga nakita ko sa likod ng mga libro. Bakit ba nasa likod ang mga ito? I wonder?

"Maganda po ba 'yan?" I asked Kile. Binili niya rin kasi 'yung Norwegian Wood.

"Yeah, binili ko lang kasi bago 'yung cover."

"You're the collector type?"

He looked confused, medyo nag-parte ang kanyang labi pero agad siyang umiling.

"Hindi? The rest of the books I've read are from the library."

"Oh! I was decluterring my books po, maybe I can donate some to them."

"I have their contact number. I'll give it too you." He slowly nodded. Agad akong napangiti. I hope that the library will take care of my previous books. At sana mas marami pa ang mga nakabasa nito. Except for that particular book, I can't help but cringed.

"Ano pong kwento niyan?" tanong ko kay Kile, pertaining to the Norwegian Wood book. Maganda kasi 'yung cover, parang ang sarap ilagay sa bookshelf.

"Just about life, in general." Kile answered, nonchalantly.

"What do you like about it the most?"

He halted from his track. Agad akong napalingon sa kan'ya. His lips twisted into a small smile again. His eyes turned softer too. Para bang may naalala siyang isang memorya.

"The realization that when we thought we already ended the catastrophe sheltering in our hearts; it actually just resides on another person instead. Hindi nawawala ang sakit, Philo. Lumilipat lang ito."

Kile has always been too deep when it comes to his words. Pakiramdam ko ang babaw kong tao kapag kausap siya. Maybe because he has more experience than me; that's why he filters his words carefully.

"Maybe I can borrow your book? Or should I buy instead?"

"Sa 'yo na lang 'tong binili ko. Listen to Norwegian Wood by The Beatles while you're reading," suhestiyon niya.

After he paid for the books, agad siyang tumawa at ginulo ang buhok ko.

"Bakit po?" my eyes squinted at him. What's funny?

"Ang dami mong pinaiyak, Philo." He pouted, like a kid teasing his playmate.

"H-huh?" napapitlag ako. Pina-iyak? Sino?

"Lahat ng kinuha mong libro sa likod, tinago talaga 'yon kasi bibilhin nila kapag nagka-pera na sila. Yari ka, Philomena. Kinuha mo mga libro nila," panga-alaska niya sa akin.

Nalaglag ang aking panga sa kan'yang sinabi. I immediately connected the dots and my cheeks flushed. Agad akong napailing at hinatak siya pabalik sa National Bookstore.

"K-kile! Ibalik na lang natin!"

"Nabayaran mo na e," tamad niyang binibigatan ang sarili para hindi ko siya mahatak. May nakaguhit na ngisi sa kan'yang mukha.

I bit my lower lip because of guilt. Nakakahiya! Kapag bumalik sila, wala na silang babalikan! Kasi kinuha ko na!

"Kasalanan naman nila 'yon," Kile shrugged as he gently puts his hands on my shoulders to push me to go forward. "Nasa iyo na, pinakawalan mo pa."

Habang naghahanap kami ng restaurant, Kile kept on recommending me books. Pareho kasi kaming mahilig magbasa at manood ng documentary. I kept on nodding my head. Ang galing! Pakiramdam ko ay pareho ang daloy ng utak namin. Lahat ng napanood ko na documentary ay alam niya.

"Tapos —" natigilan siya. It also made me stopped. Umawang ang mga labi niya nang sinipat niya ang isang direksyon.

"Bakit po?" I caught a glimpse of what he saw. And I wish I could turn back the clock to save myself from getting hurt further.

Akala ko durog na durog na ang puso ko no'ng araw na 'yon, I never thought a broken heart can get even more broken by just seeing someone you thought you knew so much.

"Ihampas ko kaya 'to sa'yo, Iscalade!" Naiara chuckled. "Ang ganda ng gitara! Sure ka? Bibigay mo 'to sa akin?"

"Syempre? Ako pumili? Pero aanuhin mo ganda niyan, wala ka naman sa tono," Iscalade sounded playful. He looked nice, wearing his casual clothes. Nakapasok ang dalawa niyang kamay sa kan'yang bulsa at nakatingin siya kay Naiara na may ngiti sa mga labi.

If I just didnt know every note of his voice, I might think I was put into an illusion. Napatda ako sa aking kinatatayuan, like my feet were cemented on the floor. Like I was forced to watch him smiling at someone else. His genuine smile. The smile that he lost when I broke his heart. Bumalik na 'yung ngiti niya — bumalik na para sa ibang tao.

Human beings are selfish in nature; because if they aren't, then why do I feel hurt upon seeing Iscalade finally happy again? Hindi ba dapat masaya ako? Dapat masaya ako e. Masaya siya kaya dapat masaya ako! The hollowness in my stomach made me feel ashame of myself.

Pero hindi e, hindi ko magawang maging masaya na makitang may kasama siyang iba — na sa iba siya nagiging masaya.

And I can't believe I feel this way.

"Philo..." mahinang tawag ni Kile. "Do you want us to greet them?"

My eyes fell down because it felt heavy, it was brimming with tears. Agad ko itong pinahid. Wala kang karapatan masaktan, Philo. Kaibigan ka lang. You're just his friend...

The lump on my throat restricted me from replying to Kile. Paulit-ulit kong kinuskos ang mga mata kong nabababad sa luha.

Ang sakit pala maging kaibigan lang. Ang sakit-sakit. Halos humagulgol ako sa hangin habang pilit na iniimpit ito. Kasi wala akong kaparatan. I don't have the right. I don't...

"Philo, alis na tayo." Kile held me on my hand as he gently remove me from the scene.

"Drive-thru na lang tayo, tapos sa kotse tayo kakain."

Hindi ako makasagot sa kan'ya, my vision is turning into a blur. Lumingon si Kile sa akin, he sighed as he gently remove my eyeglasses. Patuloy lang ako sa paghikbi. I kept on trying to repressed it but it didn't budge. Patuloy lang ang agos ng luha ko. I was even hiccuping.

Bumili siya sa isang malapit na ice cream store. Bumalik siya na may yelo at ice cream na dala. He gave me a cone of vanilla ice cream. Napalingon ako sa kan'ya, sinisinok pa rin.

"T-thank you," I said while licking the ice cream. Unti-unting kumakalma na ang bawat sinok ko.

Tahimik naming tinahak ang papunta sa parking. He opened his car and waited for me to go on the shotgun seat. I was still feeling blue but my hiccups were gone.

Nilagay niya 'yung ice cubes sa kabilang kamay niya sa mga mata ko. Agad naman akong napapikit. Naramdaman ang lamig na nilapat niya sa mga namamaga kong mata.

"Remember, when I told you I can't be your friend?" he asked softly. Unti-unti akong tumango.

"A friend doesn't care if you fall for someone else," Kile uttered slowly. "And you can't stand seeing the person you love be with someone else. That's why we can't be friends, Philo..."

Natigalgal ako sa kan'yang pahayag. He stopped pressing the ice cubes on my eyes. He remove it from my eyes and his dark eyes met mine.

"And that's the reason why you can't be friends with Iscalade too; because you can't stand seeing him falling for someone else."

❛ ━━━━━━･❪ ❁ ❫ ･━━━━━━ ❜