Kabanata 30

I thought I could use the 'I'm drunk, I don't remember anything' card on him. I cannot see him struck by complete catastrophe like this, pakiramdam ko ay ang sama kong tao para saktan siya nang ganito. But I don't want to lose him and there are just too many risks if we both decided to make it more than a friendship.

Biglang tumunog ang kanyang cellphone. The vibrating sound killed the silence between us. Sinagot ito ni Iscalade kahit namamaos ang kanyang boses.

"Hello?"

"Iscalade! Baka sabihin mo pinainom ko si Philo! Hindi ah! Rootbeer 'yon! Rootbeer! Baby ko rin kaya 'yan! Ingat kayo pauwi, ha!"

A hearty chuckled came from the other line. Naka-loudspeak si Iscalade kaya rinig na rinig ko ang boses ni Naiara.

"Yeah, pauwi na kami..."

"Okay ka lang, bro?" matigas na saad ni Naiara, mimicking a giant man's voice. "Uy? Kailangan mo ng kausap? Nandiyan pa ba si Philo?"

Binaba na ni Iscalade 'yung tawag at agad na nagtipa sa kanyang cellphone. He probably replied to Naiara. Pinilig niya ang kanyang ulo at binigyan ako ng isang ngiti.

"Tara na, Philo. Uwi na tayo."

I looked at him as he faded away from my sight. He was like the sun, his rays of warmth has always been my solace however all I can feel right now is the freezing wind from the night. Nawala ang sigla ni Iscalade. I was ready to face the reality that our friendship might get strained because of the confession he made — but he never made me feel that way.

Pinagmamasdan ko si Iscalade habang nakakunot ang noo niya at nags-solve para sa isang subject nila. Hindi na ako nakialam dahil sumasakit ang ulo ko sa dami ng symbols na nasa notebook.

It's been weeks but he never opened the discussion again. Pero bakit lalong binubugbog ang dibdib ko sa sakit? Because I feel like he got no one to talk to about it. I am his best friend yet I am the person who hurt him too...

"Philo, susunduin ba kita mamaya?" tanong ni Iscalade habang kumakain ng ginawa kong sugar cookies. I try to create a lot of pastries for him everyday as my way to show my penitence.

"May after class ka pa po ba?" mahinang tanong ko. Ever since that night, I am always cautious of my words and actions.

"Meron e," he pursed his lips after biting a cookie, pinunas niya sa isang tissue ang mga natirang crumbs sa kan'yang kamay. "Pero kung may gagawin ka pa sa school at naabutan pa kita, magsabay na lang tayo ng uwi."

May hapdi pa rin sa puso ko sa tuwing nakikita kong pinipilit ni Iscalade na maging normal ang daloy ng usapan namin. I feel like I'm not putting much effort to make him comfortable too. Napatingin ako sa aking mga kamay, I started fidgeting.

"Iscalade, kailan po tayo magb-bike ulit?"

"Sa weekends siguro? Gusto mo ba?" he stopped solving on his notebook, umangat ang tingin niya sa akin.

"Sige po," I forced a smile. He can masked it with his bubbly personality but his eyes cannot lie. Sa tuwing tumitingin siya sa akin, agad niyang binabawi ang kan'yang mga mata. His gaze looks so lonely.

What have I done?

I cannot see the rays of daylight I used to love whenever he looks at me. And it's all my fault. I hurt him and I cannot do anything about it --because the other option will only hurt him more for the long haul.

At some point, it's like utilitarianism. It's for the greater good; para rin naman sa aming dalawa ito. It will cause less harm for the both of us. A little pain is better than a wreckage. Pero bakit parang dahil sa sitwasyon ko ay pareho kaming nasasaktan nang husto? Because if I pursue him now, will I be able to maintain our relationship when we started a little too young?

The thoughts almost drowned me. Ngayon pa lang ay binabagyo na ako ng mga 'what-ifs' at nagpapatianod naman ako sa mga tanong na hindi ko kayang sagutin. Bumuntonghininga ako.

Kapag busy ako para sa ibang subjects, I put the pastries I bake for Iscalade in a heart shaped tin can whenever our breaktimes collide. Iscalade always returns the tin can to me after the pastries are eaten.

Isang araw nang ia-abot ko sana sa kanya ito. Nakita ko na seryoso siyang nakasandal sa isang pader. Nasa evergreen garden sila ngayon at nanlalata ang itsura ni Iscalade. Ilang linggo na siyang ganito. Parang walang gana at hindi makausap nang matino. His MyDays are not always updated too. Parang walang ganap sa buhay niya. I was about to call for him when Caitlyn showed up.

"Iscalade, I still love you." Caitlyn uttered, tears flowing down her cheeks. "W-wala na ba talaga?"

"Cait, you're a lovely girl." Iscalade sighed, giving a small smile. "What we had before made us really happy, pero tapos na 'yon e. Hanggang doon na lang..."

"Bakit ba hindi mo ako mapagbigyan? I even transferred schools for you!" maktol ni Cait. "Don't we deserve a second change, Lade?"

"We can't always have second chances, Cait. Because if we did; then probably there are people who are less regretful in their lives."

"I love you, Iscalade..." Cait kept on crying. Nakita ko ang awa sa mga mata ni Iscalade, he looked away.

"You only did that because Matteo publicly broke up with you..." Iscalade looked down, inapakan niya ang mga tuyong dahon na nalaglag mula sa mga siit ng puno sa lilim nila.

"N-no..."

"Caitlyn, I know things because I still have friends in your old school. And it's okay, if you fell out of love even way before we broke up..."

"I realized you're the only one who can love me, Iscalade...." tangis ni Caitlyn. Even holding Iscalade on his arms. She looked rejected.

"That's not true, Cait." Iscalade removed it in a gentle manner. Agad siyang nagpakawala ng hininga bago inayos ang buhok ni Cait na nagulo dahil sa kan'yang pagmamaktol.

"You'll find someone better than me when it comes to loving you -maybe...we'll eventually find someone who will love us the way...we want to be loved..." nanunuot ang sakit sa boses ni Iscalade. Parang lahat ng inipon niyang sakit ay nakawala sa kanyang boses.

"Pero hindi ako 'yung para sa'yo, at hindi rin ikaw 'yung para sa akin," malumanay na dagdag ni Iscalade.

Napahawak ako sa aking bibig, pinipigilan ang aking mga hikbi. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, Iscalade. Kinagat ko ang aking dila para magkaroon ako ng rason na isipin na may masakit sa aking katawan kaya nagpapaunahan ang mga luha sa pagbaba sa aking pisngi.

"No one's better than you, Lade..." Caitlyn bowed down, her tears are falling. Sumisinghot na rin siya.

"Flattered naman ako," Iscalade chuckled, dryly. "Kapag siguro naging ex ko rin sarili ko, di rin ako makakatulog sa panghihinayang. Hirap ba maging ex si Iscalade Altreano?"

"Ewan ko sa'yo..." Cait laughed a little. Pinunasan ni Iscalade ang mga luha ni Cait.

"Cait, you once had my heart but I don't have yours anymore. You just think you still love me because you miss the old days but you don't love me, Cait..." Iscalade caressed her hair.

"You know, sabi ng minamahal ko ngayon tungkol sa nabasa niyang libro..." Iscalade laughed, his voice broke. His eyes started tearing up. Sa mga nakalipas na linggo na magkasama kami, ngayon ko lang siya nakita na umiyak. Agad siyang tumingin sa langit para mawala ito.

The reason I cannot see the rays of hope on his eyes - because his eyes are almost always bloodshot. Palagi niya lang itong tinatakpan gamit ng kan'yang ngiti.

Humugot muna siya ng hininga bago nagpatuloy sa pagsasalita.

"Sometimes what we feel towards a person is just like the dead stars in the sky. They're still there in the horizon, seemingly still shining and twinkling but the truth is...they're not existing anymore. They have died million years ago..."

Caitlyn dramatically pushed her hair back, she heaved a breath. Pinaypayan pa niya ang kan'yang sarili bago bumaling kay Iscalade.

"I'm regretting that I didn't choose you that time, Lade. If only -"

Pinigilan siya ni Iscalade. He hushed her and gradually shook his head.

"Maybe you wouldn't have to think about the what-ifs of us if only you chose me that time. Pero pinili mo ito, Cait. This was your choice and this was the result. This is what we have right now."

Nagpakawala muli ng mahihinang pag-iyak si Cait. The both of us never had a good bond but seeing her like this made my heart ached. Hindi pa nakatulong na si Iscalade ang nanga-alo sa kan'ya ngayon - who is also hurting right of this moment.

"Cait...sometimes we have to accept the aftermath of the choices we had. We cannot always stay in our past, reliving them through our what-ifs. It's the...same as we can't live in a place that... isn't our home anymore..." paputol-putol si Iscalade habang pinipigilan ang mga luha ni Cait sa pagpatak gamit ng kan'yang daliri.

Parang tinamaan ng pana ang puso ko sa sobrang sakit. His words weren't meant for me but I felt the excruciating pain of it. Pinunasan ko ang aking mga luha.

Iscalade cleared the lump on his throat. He gave another gentle smile on Cait as he fixed her hair, para hindi sumayad ang mga ito sa basang pisngi ni Cait.

"Huwag mo na nga ako iyakan. Iisipin ko na naman ang gwapo-gwapo ko, iniiyakan ako ni Caitlyn na halos kaliwa't kanan ang mga mangliligaw?" biro ni Iscalade. Agad siyang hinampas ni Cait nang pabiro.

"Wala na talaga?" Cait smiled at him bitterly ...once last time.

"Wala na," sagot ni Iscalade at malungkot na ngumiti.

Caitlyn sighed, pinunasan ang kan'yang mga luha.

"So, ano na hanap mo ngayon?"

"Hindi ako nagpapa-apply e. Saka ayaw ko rin sa mga naging ex ko na pangalan ay Caitlyn," tuya ni Iscalade at mapait na tumawa.

"Seryoso kasi," Cait laughed.

"Probably someone..." Iscalade halted his words before letting it go. "Someone who can understand that I'll always have a female bestfriend."

Umalis na ako roon. My heart kept on breaking as the realization dawned on me; I don't deserve Iscalade. All I ever did was hurt him. But if I had to choose between risking to lose him forever or hurting him for a while, I'll always choose the latter.

✿✿✿

The past weeks, I couldn't find the courage to still act how we normally would. Kahit pilitin ko ang sarili ko, palagi akong kinakain ng konsensya ko sa tuwing nakikita ang mga mata ni Iscalade.

Paano ko siya papatahanin kung hindi niya pinapakita sa akin ang kan'yang pag-iyak? Even his friends doesn't see him cry. Ang huling beses na umiyak daw si Iscalade ay no'ng namatay ang kan'yang aso. Pero hindi raw pumasok ng isang linggo dahil lang sa ayaw niyang makita ito ng mga tao.

Giniginaw ako sa tuwing magkasama kami. His warmth...was gone. Malayo na siya sa akin, katabi ko lang siya pero parang tinatanaw ko pa ang damdamin niya.

Umuwi ako nang masama ang loob. My heart is being constricted. Pakiramdam ko mali ang ginawa ko. Pero patuloy pa rin ang daloy ng takot sa aking sistema. I might fail his expectations...what if he was only in love with the idea of falling in love with me? Paano kung 'yon ang tumapos sa aming pagkakaibigan?

"Philomena," matigas na sambit ni Mommy at hinatak ako sa aking braso. I immediately winched because her nails digged into my arms.

"B-bakit po?"

"Explain this to me," binalibag niya ang isang folder at agad akong namutla. It was the education sylabus. "Bakit ka may ganito?"

"T-thats nothing po..." I answered abruptly. "Political Science po kukunin ko, Mommy —"

"What a liar! I know you! Nagsimula na ang mga CETs sa iba't ibang schools pero hanggang ngayon ay wala ka pang inaasikaso? And also, your teacher reported your resume to me! Teacher, Philo? Really?" she said, tauntingly. Pinag-krus pa ang kan'yang mga braso. Magkasalubong na ang kan'yang mga kilay.

"That's only a mock resume —"

"Kahit na! Bakit ba hindi mo ipasok sa kokote mo na magiging abogado ka! Philomena, huwag ka nga maging inutil!" angil niya.

I don't know if its because I've been repressing my emotions too much that my heart cannot take her words lightly. Agad akong bumuntong hininga at umiling, showing how disappointed I am that she cannot show any compassion at all. Kahit ngayon lang...kahit ngayon lang sana...

"Don't worry po, I'll be a lawyer..." Pinilit ko ang sarili ko na ngumiti. Pero hindi siya nakuntento. Umakyat siya nang aking kwarto nang padabog ang bawat hakbang. Umaalpas ang tibok ng puso ko sa sobrang kaba. I immediately followed her and I saw her putting my books into a box.

I gasped.

"M-mommy?"

"These books are distracting you from studying more! Nagbabasa ka nga, hindi naman nakatutulong sa future mo! Your books only influences you to rebel against me! Ipapakandado ko rin ang bike mo! I'll tell Iscalade that he can find someone better to hang out with! Someone who takes her studies seriously -"

"S-seryoso naman po ako sa paga-aral ko po!" I recoiled when she started throwing daggers at me using her eyes. Napapitlag ako nang bigla niyang i-bato ang libro sa mga kahon.

"No, you're not! When Arlene was your age, she was already studying for her future course! Alam na niya agad ang gusto niya. Unlike you, you're still so immature! Bakit ba kasi ikaw pa ang naging anak ko!"

And I thought my heart has already been too broken these past few days. Napapikit ako habang unti-unting pumatak ang mga luha ko na binubuo ng mga antak na dinaramdam ko ngayon.

Pinahid ko ito at unti-unting tumango. Right. I don't deserve to be her daughter. Right. I shouldn't answer back. Right. Everything she said was right.

"Tapos ka na po ba, M-mommy?" I asked, my voice trembling. "A-ako na po magliligpit —"

"Kung alam ko lang na magiging ganiyan ka, I should have never carried you with me..." anas niya. "I had dreams, Philomena and I sacrificed them for you. Tapos magiging ganiyan ka lang?"

The tears kept on cascading down my cheeks, like an overflowing river. I looked down to let it flow. Halos maging barado na ang aking ilong at parang may kumakalikot sa aking mata upang ako ay umiyak.

"I never asked to be born, Mom." I uttered with my remaining strength and smiled at her, feeling crestfallen.

"Anong ibig mong sabihin?" asik niya.

"You choose this and I didn't — because if I had a choice, Mom? I wouldn't want to see you sacrificing your dreams for me...I'd rather not be born."

Her mouth fell and she had tears on her eyes. She probably realized the depth of her words. She turned to me."How could you say that, Philomena?"

"Anak mo po ba talaga ako? Kasi bakit parang hindi niyo po ako mahal?" I asked, shoulders slumped. Feelings rising to my throat, wanting to be let out.

She widened her eyes. Kita ko ang pagbaba-taas ng kaniyang dibdib.

"Wala kang utang na loob. Paanong hindi kita mahal? Pinagaaral kita! Binibihisan! Pinapakain! —"

Umiling-iling ako. Umangat ang tingin sa kan'ya, nangingilid ang mga luha sa mga mata. I smiled at her as I realize that no matter how much I love her and Daddy, they would never love me...

"Mom...that's not love. You just feel responsible for me. Pero hindi mo ako... m-mahal." My voice cracked as I wipe my tears. "At mukhang hindi mo a-ako kayang mahalin..."

Hindi siya nakasagot.

Ang sakit pala malaman na...hindi ka mahal ng taong handa mong alayan ng buong buhay mo. That you would give up the freedom of your life just to be with them. That you would rather be cage because in that cage, you'll be with them. All of us have freedom but we all have our cages too. And this is my cage; nakakulong ako sa ideyang mamahalin din ako ng mga magulang ko. That I will also receive their love one day.

Unti-unti akong tumango at bumaba. Hindi niya ako sinundan. And right there, I just knew that sometimes we still love people despite of how much they're already hurting us because deep inside in our hearts, we still hope — that there will a day that the love we give towards them will eventually be returned.

That day, sometimes, never comes.

❛ ━━━━━━･❪ ❁ ❫ ･━━━━━━ ❜