Kabanata 29

I found it funny before, that people from the books find it hard to confess to their beloved. Bakit sila nahihirapan? All they have to say is what they feel...

Pero iba pala kapag ikaw na mismo ang nasa sitwasyon nila. Napapatda ka sa iyong pwesto, hinihila palagi ang iyong dila at halos kahit titigan mo lang nang matagal ay parang bawal na.

Because you'll want more. You'll crave for more. Pero hanggang doon na lang 'yon. Unlike how it is portrayed in the books, it's not easy to dictate how a person feels about you. It is not easy to confess, to open your heart out - because they might break it and broken things cannot always be mended.

"Iinom ba si Philo?" tanong ni Naiara kay Iscalade. Lumingon naman sa akin si Iscalade at bahagyang nagtaas ng kilay.

"Gusto mo, Philo? Mag-try?"

"Hindi na po," I rejected their offer. I actually don't drink. Hindi ko pa nararanasan at hindi ko rin naman gusto. The smell of it is already making me cringe. Masyadong matapang.

"Nai, bantayan mo. Okay lang?" bilin ni Iscalade kay Naiara, at agad naman itong tumango. They were close to each other. At para bang kilala na nila ang isa't isa noon pa man.

"May pupuntahan ka?"

"Balcony lang ako sandali," tinuro ni Iscalade ang itaas na palapag kung nasaan ang ilan sa mga varsity players ng aming school.

Nagbigay nang tipid na ngiti si Iscalade bago lumisan. I could feel my cheeks burning, madalas na akong maapektuhan kahit sa simpling galaw niya lang. It's not fair how his effect only works on me. Crush din naman siya ni Naiara pero kalmado lang ito at nagagawa pang makipagbiruan sa kanya.

Tanaw pa rin naman namin si Iscalade mula sa aming pwesto. He was laughing with the varsity players, may pinaguusapan siguro sila. Naiara hang her arms around me, putting her face near mine.

Ang ganda niya. Her face makes her look strong, matangos na ilong at mapupusok na mga mata. Every guy would once in a while look at her. She isn't the type of girl that will caught your attention in a flash, pero mananatili ang tingin mo sa kanya habang nasa loob siya ng kwarto. She had similar vibes with Iscalade. The 'Life of the party' people.

"Wala ka ba talagang gusto kay Iscalade?" she asked and I immediately became flustered.

"W-wala po..." I lied, lowering down my gaze.

"I like him," matapat niyang saad. "And I tend to pursue what I like. Pero syempre, kung may namamagitan sa inyo..."

Napalingon ako sa kanya at nakita na binigyan niya ako ng isang ngiti. A genuine smile smeared on her face.

"I'll back off. I respect boundaries..." she pinched my cheeks, pinangigilan niya ito bago bitawan. It didn't hurt though.

"Wala naman p-pong namamagitan sa amin." I replied, trying to calm myself from trembling. Bakit ba ako kinakabahan? It's not like she's interrogating me!

"Are you sure?" she sounded hopeful, nawala ang pagiging matapang sa kanyang itsura. She looked hesitant. "Pero kung napipilitan ka lang-"

"Its okay lang po..." I breathed out, feebly. Pinapakalma ang sistema dahil natatakot ako na baka makita niyang hindi ito totoo.

Who am I to tell her to stop her feelings when I'm not even sure that I can pursue Iscalade?

"Philo, thank you..." her eyes glowed with happiness. Nagulat ako sa biglang pagyakap niya sa akin. Her arms around my waist tightened, I can feel her joy.

"I was always hesitating to tell him. Pakiramdam ko kasi instant reject agad, baka kasi hulog na sa'yo. And I respect you, you're such a sweet girl. Even Kile says that Iscalade might have feelings for you..."

If that's true, what can I do? If I'm too scared to get over the fence and be with him? Paano kung dito pa lang ay masaya na ako? What if I'm already contented with what I have right now? What if I don't want to hope for more? Naninikip ang aking dibdib.

Humiwalay sa akin si Naiara, her eyes sparkled. Agad na dinayo siya ng iilang mga babae.

"Naiara! Crush mo nasa itaas," tukso ng babaing kadarating lang. "Hina mo naman pala e."

"Excuse me, kausap ko lang siya kanina..." Naiara almost flipped her hair, kaso maikli lang ito.

Iscalade was just upstairs, kita namin siya dahil nasa balkonahe lang naman ang pwesto nila. He was drinking something with a cherry on it.

"Alam mo ba," tsismis ng kausap ni Naiara. "sabi nung nagba-bartender para sa atin ay palaging request na lagyan ng cherry 'yung drinks ni Iscalade kahit di naman alak 'yung iniinom niya..."

"Iscalade likes cherries?" I asked out of the blue. Should I make him a cherry pie, then? I shook my head, it's not the time to think about pastries!

"Hindi naman, pero kasi kapag nab-bored siya ay gumagawa siya ng cherry knot!" sagot nung kausap ni Naiara.

Tinuro niya pa si Iscalade na nasa itaas, nakasandal sa railings ng balkonahe at nakanguso. He was indeed playing with the cherry on his lips, kitang-kita ang tangkay nito na nasa labas lang ng kanyang labi. He ate the stem for a while and immediately put it on the emptied drink beside him after making a small knot on it.

"Cherry knot? Ay, edi good kisser?" Naiara cackled. "Swerte ko naman pala."

"Masarap ba humalik kapag gano'n?" the other girl asked, chortling.

"Sabi!" Naiara nodded eagerly.

"Philomena, masarap ba humalik si Iscalade?" the question made me stunned. Agad na lumipad ang mga tingin nila sa akin.

My mind went haywired. What kind of question is that?! Agad akong nangapa ng mga salita upang sumagot.

"H-hindi ko pa p-po natitikman," I answered immediately and my eyes went wide. Agad naman silang nagsitawanan.

"Mga tanungan niyo, wala sa ayos." Naiara chuckled.

"Philomena! Inom ka naman," anyaya nung babae at may inabot sa akin na baso.

"I don't..."

May inabot sa akin si Naiara na isang baso na may laman. She grinned at me and patted me on my back.

"May inumin na siya! See? She's even having beer, kaya huwag niyo na kulitin," pagtataboy niya sa mga babaing lumapit sa amin.

"Sa kanya ba talaga 'yan? She's not even drinking!" angal nung isang babae.

I gulped, I feel pressured because their stares are reaching my skin. Kaya naman agad ko itong tinungga upang ubusin. Napapikit pa ako dahil inaasahan ko na ang matapang na lasa nito.

Pero, lasang softdrinks lang naman...

Napadilat ako at nakita ang mga nanglalaki nilang mga mata. Even Naiara has her mouth gaping at me.

"Wow, did she just do a buttoms up?"

"Oh 'di ba? Kaya huwag niyo na kulitin..." sabi ni Naiara sabay lingon sa akin. "Okay ka lang, Philo?"

I nodded, feeling dilated. Di naman pala masama ang lasa! Lasang softdrinks lang! I thought it would hurt my throat but it didn't! Nakainom na rin ako ng alak, after a decade and eight! Should I tell my Mom? I became worried. Hindi naman siguro siya magagalit dahil isang baso lang 'yon...

My phone vibrated, I fished it out from my sling bag.

Kile:

gawa mo?

Philomena:

Hello po! Umiinom po ng...

Alak! 😄

Kile:

gagUE

proud ka pa ah HAHAHAHAHA

Philomena:

Di naman po pero first time ko po. Hehe

Kile:

Ay, edi bad girl ka na niyan? :)

Philomena:

Di naman po, wala naman po akong nilalabag na batas. Legal na rin po ako. 😁

Kile:

put my number on your speed dial in case no one's going to take you home, alryt?

i'll come. kahit anong oras.

I replied a quick thank you and put my phone back on my sling bag. I rubbed my cheeks because I feel giddy. Madalas 'di ba pwede mong gawin lahat ng mga gusto mo kapag lasing ka?

Edi pwede ko gawin lahat ng gusto ko?

"Philo, hahatid ka na raw ni Iscalade?" Naiara guided me towards the second floor. "Ingat kayo, ha. Di 'yata uminom ng alak si Iscalade, kaya safe ka naman. Pero kung sakali, tawagan mo ako kung nahihilo siya o ano, ha?"

"Thank you, Naiara! You're so pretty po!" I complimented her, even pinching both of her cheeks. She laughed.

Okay lang naman, makakalimutan ko naman ito bukas! I could act like this because I'm drunk! Well, I should be drunk... Because I had an alcoholic drink on my system. That's what happens to drunk people, right? They let go of their inhibitions? Edi gano'n din ba dapat ako?

"Ikaw rin, baby girl! I love you!" she squeezed me into a hug. Niyakap namin ang isa't-isa. She's so nice! And huggable too!

Iniwan na ako ni Naiara nang makita na parating na si Iscalade sa direksyon namin. She quickly nodded at him and went towards her friends. Para talaga siyang si Iscalade, palaging mukhang kakandidato sa sobrang dami ng kakilala.

Nang makasalubong ko si Iscalade sa hagdanan, I immediately giggled and beamed at him. Kumunot ang kanyang noo sabay mahina na tumawa. His gaze softly landed on me.

"Okay ka lang, Philo?" malumanay niyang tanong.

"Uminom po ako ng beer," I chortled. "Pero huwag ka po maingay kay Mommy..."

Dahan-dahan niyang nilapit ang mukha niya sa mukha ko, napatda ako sa aking pwesto at tanging ang bawat pintig na lamang ng puso ko ang gumagawa ng ingay. He was eyeing me suspiciously. He gently sniffed and immediately gave small smile.

"You're not drunk, you don't even have the stench of a beer..." aniya sa malamyos na tono.

"Isang baso lang po 'yon..." giit ko.

"Sabagay, it's probably because I have high tolerance when it comes to drinks. Kaya hindi ko rin alam kung mabigat ba ang tama ng isang baso lang..."

Napalunok ako at sinundan siya habang papunta kami sa parking lot. Humahalo na ang kulay kahel na langit sa parating na gabi. Although, mas lumuwag ang curfew ko - palagi pa rin itong sinusunod ni Iscalade at siya ang humihingi ng paumanhin sa tuwing mal-late kami nang uwi kahit na minsan lang naman 'yon mangyari.

Pauwi na kami nang yayain ko sa Iscalade na mag-drivethru. I told him I wanted to eat dinner so I won't have to eat alone in our house. Alam ko naman na wala si Daddy kaya baka hindi na mag-dinner si Mommy.

Pumunta kami sa likod ng kanyang Hilux, he gave me the burger we ordered and sat down on the back of his Hilux. Unti-unti nang lumalabas ang mga bituin. Ang mga ningning nila'y parang nagtuturo ng iba't ibang direksyon.

"Philo, here's your smoothie..." abot sa 'kin ni Iscalade. He even puts a tissue around it before giving it to me.

"Masarap ka po bang humalik, Iscalade?" I asked innocently as I reached for the smoothie.

His lips gradually parted before letting out a hearty laugh. Agad siyang tumikhim bago sumagot.

"Hindi ko pa nahahalikan sarili ko e, sagutin ko na lang kapag nahalikan ko na sarili ko, ha."

"I could do that for you," I offer, determined to know. "Ako na lang po magsasabi kung totoo nga po."

Nasamid siya sa kanyang iniinom. Agad siyang umiling sa akin. He ruffled my hair before laughing once again.

"Philo, di ka lasing. I swear, stop whatever you're saying..." he cleared his throat. "Kasi baka maniwala ako."

I looked at him and examined his face. What a beautiful boy, Iscalade. Among all the beautiful people I know, you exudes the calm sunshine after all the storms and rain. You looked like hope after all the despair.

"If I kiss you right now, magagalit ka po ba?" kalmanteng tanong ko.

"Putangina, ako 'yata lasing e." He chuckled before covering his face, pumalatak siya bago muling tumingin sa akin. "Di ako nakainom pero talo ko pa nakipag-one on one sa bote ng Black Label. Grabe ako mag-daydream."

I cupped his face and his warm skin immediately defroze the coldness of the night. Our gazes met and my heart started palpitating loudly. Umaalpas ang nararamdaman ko sa aking dibdib.

I gave him a swift kiss. A fleeting one; but it is forever embedded in my memories. My first kiss. A kiss that I gave to the first boy I ever loved. The cages of the butterflies in my stomach opened.

He deepened the kiss, napapikit ako dahil sa bigla niyang pag-abante. He tasted like cherries and his lips were so soft. Tama nga si Naiara, he definitely is a good kisser.

Pareho kaming namumula nang magkalayo na ang agwat ng aming mukha. Iscalade immediately looked down and covered his face. I can hear him cursing again and again. Narinig ko pa siyang nag-sorry sa langit.

"That was my first kiss..." I mumbled, almost breathless. Unti-unting kinapa ang aking labi.

Iscalade looked at me, namumungay ang mga mata at halos hindi pa rin makapaniwala ang itsura.

"Was that your first kiss too?" I asked, still trying to gather my breath.

Agad siyang umiling. Pero seryoso ang dapo ng kan'yang tingin sa akin.

"That wasn't my first," he gently smiled, his boyish charm exuding. "But it was the best kiss I've ever had."

My cheeks flushed. Agad akong napatingin sa ibang direksyon. That's okay, bukas naman ay makakalimutan ko na rin ito. I could blame it to the beer that I had, I guess?

"Philo," bumaling siya sa akin. Seryoso ang tono at halos hindi sigurado ang itsura. He looked hesitant but he sighed.

"I love you, Philo."

My heart fluttered. Parang may nakabara sa aking lalamunan at hindi ko magawang magsalita pabalik. Those three words aren't just words anymore. Hindi na lang siya mga salitang nababasa ko sa mga libro. It is being said to me. It is meant for me. Nakatingin lang sa akin si Iscalade, agad na nanglaki ang mga mata niya.

"Pero! I'm not pressuring you or anything." He chuckled nervously. "I just love you more than a friend, and I cannot contain what I feel about you anymore..."

May naglalarong ngiti sa kanyang labi. He looked like a child who had his sweets after all the vegetables he ate.

Mahal din kita, Iscalade.

Ngumiti ako sa kanya nang malungkot. Tanging ang liwanag galing sa buwan ang nagsisilbing ilaw para makita ko ang kanyang mukha.

"I'm sorry," for all the lies I've told you and for being not brave to tell you how much I love you too.

"Lets remain as friends."

I struggled speaking without letting the lump in my throat expose my entire feelings. I had to remove my eyeglasses so the brimming of tears in my eyes won't let him see how much I wanted to return his feelings.

I'm just...scared. natatakot na baka hindi pala para sa amin ito. What if we were better off as friends? And risking our friendship for a relationship this young isn't that...

Napapikit ako. Praying that hopefully my words and how I perceive the situation is right.

I'm scared of losing him. What if we don't work? Edi tapos na kami? Because friendships can be mended but relationships are hard to fix once it's been broken. Sa ganito, hindi kami masasaktan nang sobra. Being friends is my comfort zone.

And I'm not brave enough to go out from it.

Tahimik na tumango si Iscalade. Unti-unti siyang tumingala at pinikit ang kanyang mga mata. The way he sighed made me think that he was crying. Walang luha sa kanyang mga mata pero ang kitang-kita ang pagdurusa niya. I could feel the stinging pain on his silence; because Iscalade is rarely silent. He must be in great pain for him to find comfort in silence.

I bit my lower lip.

"I'm so s-sorry..." my lips quivered, pinipigilan ang ma-iyak. I never meant to hurt you...

"Hala..." he laughed, yet it was full of agony. Agad akong nanghina sa boses niya. He never sounded so hurt before... "Alam mo 'yung pinanood natin noon na movie?"

"A-alin po roon?" parang pinipira-piraso ang puso ko habang pinapakinggan ang boses niyang nanginginig sa sakit.

"Love Story," he cleared the lump on his throat by laughing again. Agad niyang binaba ang kanyang tingin. "You told me before, that one of the qoutes you loved from that movie is 'Love means never having to say you're sorry.' didn't you?"

"Y-yes..."

"Please don't say sorry," malungkot siyang ngumiti sa akin. "Mahal kita e, kaya tanggap ko lahat ng galing sa'yo. Even your no, Philo. I'll accept it. So please..."

He sounded so weak and vulnerable. Parang winasak ko ang mundo niya. I didn't know what to do, I thought I could prevent us from getting hurt but all along I didn't know that I'll bring great despair to him.

"Please don't say sorry, I do not regret loving you and I will still love you even if you cannot return it back..." nanghihinang saad niya, he even tried laughing but it only pained him more. "Mahal kita e."

That night, I lost a lover but I still had a friend. Yet both of us was broken and the threads of our friendship started to loosen.

❛ ━━━━━━･❪ ❁ ❫ ･━━━━━━ ❜