About Love — MARINA

Kabanata 14

"You're still crying?" Iscalade extends the box of tissues on my side. Kunot ang kanyang noo habang ginagawa ito.

Tinanggap ko naman ito at pinunasan ang ilang patak ng luha sa aking pisngi. I also wiped the area below my eyelids. Hindi ko pa rin tinatanggal ang salamin ko.

"Ilang ulit na natin napanood 'to. Kabisado ko na nga 'yung linya sa dulo e. Love is like the wind, you can't see it but you can feel it." He qouted, with an animated expression. His eyes were still glued on the screen.

His arms were draped around the armrest of the couch. Ubos na rin ang popcorn at soda na nasa gilid niya. We were supposed to watch at their theatre room but we got lazy and settled on the living room instead.

"Namamatay pa rin si Jamie e," I mumbled, hiccuping because of the cry fest I did earlier.

"Huwag ka magalala, hahanap tayo ng version na hindi namatay si Jamie," biro niya.

Humihikbi ako habang patuloy ang pagbaba ng credits ng pelikulang A Walk to Remember. This was the seventh time we watched it. Pero iniiyakan ko pa rin. Mugto na nga 'yata ang aking mga mata. Si Iscalade na lang talaga 'yung walang masyadong reaksyon.

Napanguso ako. The first time he watched the film with me, he didn't react much. He was even confused with the ending! Bakit daw naging ghoster si Jamie sa dulo. I told him that Jamie died. He concluded that Jamie did 'ghost' Landon since she died and she became a ghost. What a meanie!

On the other hand, I was emotionally scarred because of the movie. Kahit 'yata ilang beses ko pa itong panoorin, I can't accept the ending. The love between them were so pure and it emits a certain longing for a love that lasts for a lifetime. It was indeed a miracle to find someone who loves you in a way that embodies the infamous Corinthians verse.

"I'm glad Jamie found her miracle," my lips curved into a smile.

"You know, I realized this whole movie marathon thing isn't working for me." Iscalade sighed. "Siguro kailangan kong basahin muna 'yung mga libro?"

"Do you want to? I have the books! I'll also recommend you good ones!" I acted a little too giddy. Agad na napawi ito dahil ayoko namang isipin niyang pinipilit ko siyang magbasa.

"Do you like reading that much?" he asked, smiling.

Tumango naman ako. I even pointed my eyeglasses.

"I love reading so much and because of it, I've seen the hot air balloon plenty of times already." I said, pertaining to the autorefractor used to check the correction needed for the eyes.

Iscalade bobbed his head, not removing his eyes away from me.

"Ikaw po ba? Do you like reading?"

"I don't, actually..." he confessed, meekly. "but I like talking about books with you. Kaya gusto ko na rin magbasa ng mga binabasa mo."

My forehead created a small crease.

"Bakit naman po?"

"Alam mo 'yung mga memes sa social media? Where girls are compared to literary pieces such as poems? But the boys cannot read? Kaya hindi nila makita 'yung ganda nung tula?"

"Yeah..." I recited the meme he was referring to, in my mind. The 'She Was Poetry But He Couldn't Read' meme.

"Your whole existence is poetry for me, Philomena. I don't understand you quite well but for some reason I feel something about you. Ang weird 'di ba?" He was too upfront, tousling his hair while having a confuse expression on his face.

My heart was hammering against my chest. Did he just compare me to poetry? But poetry means a lot of things. And indeed, some poems are too complex but it makes you feel something about them. It evokes emotion out of you.

I swallowed hard. Pilit na pinilig ang ulo upang hindi magtama ang aming mga paningin.

"I wanna be someone who treasures you rather than just a person who knows your worth but does nothing to keep it," pinatay na ni Iscalade 'yung screen gamit ng isang remote. "If you were indeed a poetry, I wouldn't want to be illiterate."

✿✿✿

I found it peculiar to feel things about Iscalade. Alam ko naman sa sarili ko na parang may nararamdaman ako para sa kanya. It is just, I can't confirm if it's adoration or just a platonic feeling masked as something else.

Hindi tulad kay Sarathiel, I was sure it was a crush. Wala naman kasing ibang dahilan para makaramdam ako para sa kanya. He wasn't my friend or anything.

Iscalade on the other side, is my best friend. My first male friend and one of the few people whom I really trust. My feelings could be just out of being overwhelmed.

I need to confirm it first.

Pero may mas malala pa akong problema ngayon.

I look at my schedule and saw that there is little time left for me to ask my parents to let me join a book fair.

May pera na ako, may damit na ako at may plano na ako para sa araw na 'yon.

Permisyo na lang nila 'yung wala.

I sighed to myself. Hindi pa kasi ako nakakapagpaalam. I feel like my entire body is being constricted just by trying to ask them about letting me go to a book fair.

Ilang taon na ang pinalampas ko dahil alam ko naman na hindi ako papayagan. The book fair is crowded and my Mommy doesn't like me going out too much. Kahit pa may kasama ako, baka raw kasi maligaw ako at mawala.

I was already seventeen, halos ang mga nasa edad ko ay nakapunta na sa iba't-ibang lugar kahit mag-isa lang sila. Samantalang ako ay buong bahay pa lang namin ang naging lakwatsa ko.

Maybe, I could ask this as their early Christmas gift? O baka pwedeng maging masipag ako buong linggo?

Pero palagi naman akong masipag, my eyebrows furrowed. I do my chores too without asking them for anything in return, because I think it's my duty as their child. At kadalasan, ayaw naman akong pagalawin ng mga helpers namin sa bahay.

"Mom," panimula ko. I was cutting the steak while trying to muster up the courage to ask her.

"Ano 'yon, Philomena?" she asked in return. Mas mahinahon na tono, mas binibigyan ako ng kaba.

We're currently having our dinner. Madalas ay wala si Daddy pero ngayong gabi ay sumabay siya sa amin sa aming hapunan. This makes my Mommy happy since she can take pictures of our dinner together and post it on her instagram. Marami na kasi ang nagtatanong sa kanya kung bakit madalas wala si Daddy sa kanyang feed. It makes others speculate that both of them are in unhappy marriage.

"I was wondering if..." I bit my lower lip. Patuloy ang paghiwa sa aking steak.

"Are your grades higher this semester? Papasok na ba sa highest honor?" tanong ni Mommy.

"N-no..." I slowly shook my head. "Pero pasok pa rin naman po ako sa honor roll and top —"

"Pero hindi highest honor?" Mommy arched an eyebrow.

"M-mahirap po 'yung highest honor, Mommy. Even those who are from the other strands can only achieve high honor for now...."

Sarathiel's grades are almost at the peak of highest honor though. Hinihila lang 'yata siya nung isang subject niya, I think if I recall from their previous conversations the subject was physical education.

"You think that will make me proud, Philomena? Honor lang? Goodness gracious, alam mo ba si Arlene? She's top of her class! Tapos beauty queen pa! While you..." himig na himig ko ang galit sa kanyang tono.

Binaba ko ang aking tingin, ashame that I cannot make her proud enough and she's even willing to praise someone else's daughter.

"H-honor pa rin n-naman po ako," my voice crawled back to it's place. "I'm s-sorry po. I'll d-do better next time p-po."

"Dapat lang, Philomena. Hindi ako nahirapan buhayin ka sa mundong ito para maging ganyan lang," she scoffed. Uminom siya ng wine para mahimasmasan.

Daddy joined us after having a phone conversation with a client. Lalo lamang akong binalutan ng takot at kaba nang makaupo na siya sa lamesa. I never felt comfortable with them and I always feel caged whenever they're near me.

Pero magulang ko sila. I shouldn't feel this way. I should always be grateful for the both of them. Wala ako kung wala sila. They were the ones who brought me in this world and provides me with my needs.

Yet, in the back of my head. I always wonder why being with Iscalade's parents feels different.

Hindi tulad kay Tita Istelle at sa Papa ni Iscalade, ilang beses na akong pumupunta sa bahay nila pero kahit kailan ay hindi ako nakaramdam ng takot. Tita Istelle even insists on calling me 'anak' affectionately. Ang Papa naman ni Iscalade ay mapagbiro pagdating sa akin.

Masyado ba ang hilingin na sana ay gano'n din ang mga magulang ko?

"Mommy..." I tried once again. "P-pwede po b-bang pumunta ako ng book f-fair?"

Agad na nagsalubong ang mga kilay niya. Hindi maipinta ang kanyang mukha. She sighed exasperatedly.

"After saying your grades are only above average, you had the face to ask to go out?"

"M-mommy, last d-day na po kasi bukas..." I swallowed hard.

I tried what others would have done, magpaalam kahit bukas na 'yung gala. Para hindi na makatanggi o hindi na mabawi pa ang pagpayag.

"Philomena, why would you need to attend a book fair? You don't need to bargain, just buy the books in a bookstore. May pera naman tayo." Daddy argued.

It's not just the books. It's the experience I'm after for. Ilang taon na akong nanonood ng mga vlogs o videos tungkol sa book fair na ito. I really want to experience the fun. To smell the pages of books and blend with my fellow bookworms.

My favorite author is coming for a booksigning too! Hindi siya gaano sikat at hindi malaki ang fanbase niya pero magaling siyang manunulat. This is her first booksigning and I wanna attend!

"Please po, I really want to go..." I pleaded. "I promise I'll do everything to get better grades—"

"It's bare minimum to get better grades, Philomena. Ano bang sinasabi mo?" iritadong tanong ni Mommy.

"You won't go to any book fairs. Get better grades, instead."

"Pero —" natabig ko 'yung kutsara ko dahil sa biglang alma ko.

"Nagdadabog ka na, Philomena?" striktong saad ni Mommy. "Is that what your friends teach you? Masyado ka na bang nababarkada?"

"I don't even have a lot of friends, M-mommy! You know that..."

"Wow! At ngayon ay sumasagot ka na rin?!"

"Mom!" my emotions were heating up. "Please l-let me just —"

Umiling-iling siya. Binatuhan niya ako ng isang masamang tingin. Daddy sighed as he continued eating.

"A no is a no, Philomena. At dahil sa pinakita mong ugali sa harap ng hapagkainan, you're also grounded."

✿✿✿

I'm currently immured in my room. Tinitingala ang mga dinikit kong paperplanes sa ceiling ng kwarto ko. Kung hindi lang bukas ang huling araw ng book fair, I wouldn't mind it. Pero iniisip ko pa lang na buong araw akong nakahilata rito habang sila ay nakakausap na ang mga paboritong manunulat nila, hindi ko mapigilan ang paninibugho sa aking sistema.

I wanted to clear my mind so I decided to scroll across the stories of my friends. I stopped upon reaching Iscalade's, parang powerpoint kasi sa dami. He's currently at a house party, tiningnan ko ang oras. It's almost close to midnight.

Philomena:

Ingat ka po sa pag-uwi.

I was about to go to sleep after texting him but I received an immediate reply.

Iscalade:

PHILO 🥺

Pauwi na ako.

Philomena:

Iscalade 😭

Nag-away 'yata kami ni Mommy.

Iscalade:

Want me to call?

Philomena:

Baka busy ka po?

Iscalade:

Nopeee. 😙

I got a call from his number. Agad ko itong sinagot.

"Hello?" his voice was soothing. I always find it sounding like honey, so smooth.

"Hi..."

"Gising ka pa?" I can hear his footfalls, lumalayo siya sa dumadagundong na tugtog ng mga EDM songs.

"Yeah. I had a fight with my Mommy. Nagpaalam po kasi ako pumunta sa isang book fair..."

"Hindi ka pinayagan? Do you want me to ask for you?"

Agad akong umiling. It will make my Mommy feel insulted. Baka madamay pa si Iscalade sa galit niya sa akin.

"No po, it's okay..." niyakap ko ang unan ko. "I just wanted to have my book signed, you know? Minsan lang naman po kasi 'yon..."

"Uh huh, sinong author ba?"

I told him the name, almost in a grunt. Bumibigat ang dibdib dahil alam ko naman na hindi ko ito mapupuntahan. Bakit pa ba ako umasa?

"You sound so upset," puna ni Iscalade.

"I'm sorry..." I yawned, siniksik ko ang mukha ko sa aking unan. "I'm just probably tired. Goodnight, Iscalade."

Unti-unting bumibigat ang tulikap ng mga mata ko.

"Sleep well, Philo."

✿✿✿

I decided to read during that day. Binabad ang sarili sa pagbabasa at sa pagaaral para maibsan ang nararamdaman na lungkot. Hindi rin ako pinapansin ni Mommy. Kaya naman naisipan kong mag-bake ng muffins para sa kanya, maybe she'll forgive me that way. I also wrote her a small note telling her how sorry I am for raising my voice. Sana lang ay hindi na siya galit sa akin.

"Good morning, Philo." Jeremy greeted me. I gave a quick nod and smiled back.

"Good morning po."

Maaga akong pumasok sa school, nauna na kasing kumain si Mommy at Daddy sa akin. Ignoring me is one of her punishments. Ang bigat lang sa pakiramdam dahil walang pumapansin sa akin sa bahay. Lahat ay inutusan ni Mommy na huwag akong kausapin.

Nilapag ko ang bag ko sa aking desk. Wala pang tao masyado sa room dahil uusbong pa lamang ang araw. Maaga lang talaga si Jeremy dahil siya ang kumukuha ng attendance namin. Madilim pa nga dahil kaunti pa lang ang tao sa school.

"Jeremy! Pwede papasok saglit? May ilalagay—" the honey toned voice stopped talking when I tilted my head towards his direction.

It was Iscalade, holding a paperbag. Nanglalaki ang mga mata niya nang makita ako, parang nakakita ng multo. His lips parted.

"Sige lang, Lade. Ano bang ilalagay mo? 'Yung hawak mo ba?"

"Bakit ang aga mo?" Iscalade asked me, disbelief shown in his face.

"Bawal po ba?" nagtatakang tanong ko. He immediately pushed his lips onward.

"I was supposed to surprise you! Dapat may secret admirer effect! Wala na, sira na. Wala na akong kinabukasan," may bahid ng pagtatampo ang kanyang boses.

"Ano po ba 'yon?"

He handed me the paperbag on his hand. Kinuha ko ito at agad ko naman itong sinilip. It was the books written by my favorite author.

"Meron na po ako nito, but thank you. I really appreciate it." Ngumiti ako kay Iscalade. I thought this day wouldn't be good for me. Pero palagi niya akong binibigyan ng dahilan upang ngumiti.

"Well, why don't you open it?" Ngumisi siya. "Pa-check po ng product, Ma'am."

I chuckled at the way he mimicked delivery guys.

Tiningnan ko ang laman at binuklat ang mga ito. I almost gasped, ilang beses kong binalikan ang unang pahina.

Philomena was written in sharpie by my favorite author on my favorite books.

My lips parted. Unti-unting rumihistro sa akin ang pirma ng manunulat na hinahangaan ko.

"Is this true?" my voice squealed. "P-paano? Did you —"

"I went there yesterday!" He admits. "It was honestly fun."

"Ang saya nga e, akala ko may mga magagalit kasi di naman ako avid reader pero alam mo ba? Kinuwento pa nila sa akin lahat ng plot! May na-in love sa gangster, may naging asawa ng mafia boss, may nerd biglang naging campus crush —"

"G-grabe?" my cheeks heated upon listening to him. I felt guilty because even if those books were cliché, I really liked it.

"Top tier daw kapag tinaguan ng anak." He innocently stated.

I mentally deadpanned. Of course, they'll gushed over Iscalade. Sa sobrang friendly niya, hindi ako magtataka kung bakit alam na niya lahat ng plot nung sinulat ng favorite author ko.

"I'll probably read those books too, actually I already started with the latest one!" He chuckled. "Auto lovelife pala kapag nag-clubbing ka, ano?"

Tinakpan ko ang mukha ko. Medyo nahihiya dahil sa mga nalaman niya tungkol sa mga binabasa kong libro.

"By the way, bawal kasi video call kaya picture mo na lang kasama 'yung author 'yung nakuha ko."

He was fumbling on his phone. May pinakita siya sa akin na picture.

"W-what?" I leaped out of my position. Agad akong pumunta sa pwesto niya para tingnan 'yung larawan.

It was a picture of me, hawak ito ng favorite author ko. She was smiling on the picture. Pakiramdam ko ay nandoon talaga ako.

My smile widened, halos mapunit na ang mukha ko sa sobrang lawak nito.

I immediately hugged Iscalade, out of my own reflex.

"Thank you so much!" I tightened my hug around him. "Thank you so much po talaga!"

He was stunned, hindi siya agad nakagalaw. I looked at him and blinked a few times. I cleared my throat when I noticed what I've done.

Agad akong kumalas sa yakap sa kanya. Tanging tunog ng dibdib ang naririnig ngayon.

Kumakalabog ang puso ko ngayon. Parang hindi 'yata kakayanin ng dibdib ko ang nararamdaman.

❛ ━━━━━━･❪ ❁ ❫ ･━━━━━━ ❜