"What do you think we should do?"

Aizawa was definitely called because when Kaminari woke up, it was to Shinso and said teacher talking quietly.

"He needs a break."

"Yeah," Shinso answers.

Kaminari sits up and makes himself known.

The two look over at him.

"Cookies?"

He's still so tired, but Shinso said they'd make cookies.

"It would be good for you just to go downstairs with me, yeah. Just to get out of a dark room. We can talk," Shinso nods.

Kaminari feels warm at his words. He cares.

Shit. Don't cry. Don't cry.

The blond just nods, not feeling that fuzziness from before.

Then he tenses at the events from an hour or two before. Bakugo and his mom yelling. Him freaking out so bad that he checked out and Bakugo worrying over him.

God he owes Bakugo something spicy.

"Where's Bakugo?"

Shinso and Aizawa look at him.

"He's probably in his dorm. Why?" Aizawa asks.

"I need to apologize for freaking out on him. Also about my mom."

Mr. Aizawa gets this look on his face. "You do not need to apologize about your mom. Her actions affected you the most. I'm glad Bakugo was there to stand up for you. Maybe it's embarrassing since there were other classmates there, but Bakugo couldn't just watch your mom tear you down after you've already been so stressed."

Kaminari is biting the inside of his cheek again.

"Okay."

He shouldn't apologize?

Even if Yukako's actions affected him the most, she still affected others. It wasn't only him.

He'll give his cookies to Bakugo as an apology.

Shinso pokes his arm and he looks up. He's offering a gum to him. Silently pointing out his problem and Kaminari takes it with a small nod as thanks.

Once he's chewing, he looks up at Mr. Aizawa who's stayed quiet for that small exchange.

"Bakugo told me that you clocked out when he and your mom were yelling. Has that happened before?"

Kaminari goes to shake his head, but he remembers a few instances where something got too hard for him so he just kind of drifted.

"Not a lot."

Mr. Aizawa takes a sharp breath.

"When does this happen?"

Usually when my dad would fu-

He doesn't know how to word it.

"When stuff is stressful."

The meaning behind it is loud and it leaves an uncomfortable feeling lingering in the air.

The entire time, both Shinso and Mr. Aizawa have kept their hands to themselves, but Kaminari can tell that his teachers wants to hug him.

He can't handle that right now.

The thought of a hug makes his skin crawl, wanting to scratch at it hard.

Instead, he just buries his nails into his palm. His hand is under the blanket, so they won't notice. He keeps chewing the gum.

"I think you should go to one of your counseling sessions," Mr. Aizawa advises.

Kaminari is taken aback.

"You-"

"It would be good. Especially if you're dissociating. It could be dangerous for you," Mr. Aizawa explains.

Oh.

Okay.

"Okay."

~~~~~

Dissociating.

First of all, that's a big word. Kaminari knows what it means. He had googled what his problem with clocking out had meant.

Spacing out. Not being aware of the present. Having to rely on others for answers about what happened the day prior even though he was there. 

It was stressful, so when he had his phone, he had googled it. 

It's not a huge problem. It's not very often that it happens, it just occurs when he's overly stressed.

He hadn't realized how stressed he was, though, because it's been happening way too much recently. 

Either way, it's never happened where other people notice it. He should probably be more careful with that. Kaminari has enough attention on him as it is. Dissociating isn't helping with his study time either. It's also a sucky feeling. It's like he has no control and is just not aware of his body. 

"So when cookies in the oven are done, they don't look done. They look like they need more time, but they are ready. It's so annoying and it had me pissed as fuck when I first tried to make cookies," Shinso says. 

He's been talking to Kaminari this whole time. Telling him what he's doing, making small jokes, and asking Kaminari things about what he's already said to make sure that Kaminari is still there mentally.

The fuzzy feeling left a while ago, and Kaminari made that clear to Shinso and Mr. Aizawa, but Shinso kept this going. 

"Shit, how many eggs was it?" Shinso asks, looking around for his phone that had the recipe. His phone was under the carton of eggs.

"Three."

"Oh, shit. Yeah. Oops, I accidentally did four."

Kaminari has been gripping a water bottle in his hands. The small noise it makes when he moves his hand helps to keep him aware, too. He gulps it down and rinses it out, giving it to Shinso.

"You can use this to take out the extra egg. You can use it for the next batch."

Shinso takes it, thanking him and squeezes the bottle a bit just to suck up the egg.

Shinso has to make small batches because Sato is using the big bowls upstairs in his room at the moment to make new recipes. He has his own kitchen in there. 

"Also, dumbass, your phone is under the eggs."

Shinso laughs, remembering that it, in fact, was there, pulling out the small device.

"Oops. Thanks again I guess."

The usual jab that followed after being nice never came, and Kaminari didn't know whether or not to be grateful. He knew that he probably would've taken the jab to heart, even though with Shinso it never does. He's all over the place now, though, so he's grateful.

Shinso makes the third batch and then the second. He looks busy, but moves around the kitchen meticulously. 

"You want me to do something?"

Shinso turns fast, not expecting the blond to talk at all. He hasn't really spoken unless he was spoken to or asked something and now he kind of feels guilty for some reason for doing so. 

He obviously didn't know what task to give the blond. He goes over a list of tasks not to give the blond. Even if Kaminari doesn't like it, giving him a task that would frustrate him could be bad. It would stress him out and even if it is over a 'small' thing, the small things still build up and the outcome might end up being bad. 

"Can you help me with rolling them into balls?"

Kaminari nods, getting the stuff needed for that. 

Shinso already had a sheet pan prepared, so he just needed to get the cookie dough that Shinso made out of the freezer and then start rolling out the balls. 

"H-" he feels dumb for not remembering how many dough balls Shinso had put, "how many do you want on one pan?"

He bites the inside of his cheek, other gum in the trash since he'd been chewing that same one for over an hour. He'd seen Shinso roll out the dough for three trays already. Shinso is probably tired of him already. He got stuck on babysitting duty.

"Four by six. It really doesn't matter as long as there's no more than that on the pans. Don't worry too much," Shinso answers smoothly.

He doesn't sound frustrated. 

Kaminari's being treated like a child, and okay, he is one, but it's still annoying. 

"Have you eaten?" Shinso asks. 

He wracks his brain, trying to remember if he got to eat when he got to the dorms, but is hit with the memory, once again, of Bakugo and Yukako yelling and he drops a ball of dough.

Biting the inside of his cheek hurts. He bites down so hard that he think he might bleed.

"It's okay," Shinso says quickly, already going to pick up the ball of dough.

"I'm sorry," Kaminari says, snapping out of his moment of self-pity.

He picks up the dough before Shinso has time to bend down to grab it and even though it was a small amount of cookie dough that he dropped, the tears that gather in his eyes don't seem to care about that at all. 

This isn't helping. Making a mess and just getting in the way of Shinso's nice gesture for the class isn't helping. 

The taste of blood in his mouth makes itself known, and he frowns. This counts as self-harm, right?

"Let me see your hands," Shinso says.

Kaminari shoots him a confused look, handing them over when he remembers. 

Great, that could also be called self-harm. 

Shinso looks at the nail marks in his palms. 

There's no blood. No dried blood. It's just the bruises of repeatedly messing with that part of his hands. 

"Do they hurt?"

"In the moment they did. Just to ground me, I guess. I forgot about them until now, though. So they don't hurt now."

"Do you want gum? I see you biting the inside of your mouth."

"Okay."

Shinso gives him a piece of gum.

~~~~~

The days leading up to the weekend have him trying to pretend he's better, but the feeling is worse now. 

He doesn't even want to go. 

Finals are soon and he can't even remember most of what he learned this week. 

Shinso and Mr. Aizawa helped, and Bakugo did too with memory stuff. He basically made it easier for Kaminari to remember what he learned and then taught Shinso and Mr. Aizawa how to do that. 

It made it easier for Kaminari, but he feels guilty that they have to do this for him.

He knows that they do it because they care about him, but he's so much work. It would be better for themselves to just let him be and struggle on his own. Damn, he can barely do this shit for himself. 

Sure, even with his health this bad, he'd help someone else, but that's a different story. That other person he'd be helping would be someone else, not Kaminari. 

"He took everything from me," he whispers. 

It's nighttime and he's in Shinso's room oversharing. 

Shinso is hugging his arm which has become normal for the both of them. 

"He took my first kiss, too. I'm gross."

"He held my hand."

"His hands were always on me."

"He'd call me princess. I hate that stupid word."

A squeeze of his arm reminds him of Shinso's presence. 

He almost apologizes, but keeps his mouth shut. Shinso hates it when he apologizes during times like these. 

"Touch is so bad for me and I never wanted it or liked it at all. I didn't get the appeal when all I associated it with was disgust and dirt. I was dirty for letting him touch me. For letting people touch me."

Stuff like this is easier to say when the room is dark and Kaminari isn't looking at Shinso.

"You're not dirty. You were a kid. You are a kid."

Kaminari cries silently as he has many times before, just in that day. 

His heart is filled with so much resentment for himself. Everything seems so hard, and it doesn't help that his brain is just as fucked up. Flashbacks and bad thoughts leading him to hurt himself. It's so hard for him and he just wants to be normal. No bad thoughts or horrifying flashbacks of Kisho sticking his thumb in his mouth the first time. 

None of how much it hurt.

How disgusting the rhythm of the thrusts were.

The foul smell of unwanted sex. 

The disgusting taste of a substance that he didn't know about until he was in middle school. 

His first time taken away from him.

The chance of a perfect first kiss robbed away from him. 

The dirty feeling he feels when he wakes up and feels his own skin.

"Stop thinking so much."

Kaminari blinks and realizes that Shinso has been looking at him.

On the brink of a panic attack, Kaminari almost laughs, sniffling all of the mucus. He needs a tissue, or twelve.

"I need to blow my nose."

"Okay, come on," Shinso says, getting up from the bed, turning around, waiting for the blond who hurriedly tries to get off the bed so he doesn't make Shinso wait for long. 

The feeling in the room is intimate. It's too close and personal, and Kaminari loves it, but hates it, too. 

Shinso turns on the light for the shower so the lights don't hurt Kaminari's eyes, but so that there's still a good source of light as Kaminari blows his nose noisily. 

"Ew," Shinso says, scrunching his nose.

"That's on you, I don't know why you decided to come with me to blow my nose."

Shinso laughs, and approaches Kaminari who's done with the nasty booger spewage.

Shinso's hand slowly approaches Kaminari's face and when it stops just below his chin, the blond nods, not being able to look at the other, but giving his consent to touch. Shinso lifts his head up with a finger.

"Let me see you."

Intimate. Too close.

Kaminari's heart beats fast. He feels a sort of giddiness at Shinso's actions.

Wiping his tears away, Shinso frowns and then they make eye contact.

Shinso's heart just about pops right out of his chest the way Kaminari looks at him. The blond trusts him wholeheartedly and Shinso could die just knowing that. 

Shinso is allowed to do this because Kaminari trusts him. He trusts Shinso to be respectful. The bare minimum really, but Kaminari hasn't had that in his life. It's heartbreaking. The low bar that Kaminari has set for people shouldn't be there. It should be at the very top. He deserves everything good. 

When they make eye-contact, Shinso not only sees that trust in Kaminari's eyes, but he sees the sadness in them. The pain and suffering that he's gone through. The amount of stress he's under, and Shinso finds himself moving his hand to massage Kaminari's furrowed eyebrows. 

Kaminari unfurrows them and inhales sharply, which makes Shinso pull back. 

"I'm sorry," Shinso whispers. 

Kaminari shakes his head. "I- I think I've already told you a lot and how touch is bad for me. Even though that's true, with you- Um, with you it's different. A good different- I trust- You feel safe. You feel safe and so touch with you is good," he trails off and then gasps, "Not in a weird way." He waves his hands in front of himself as he says that, making Shinso smile at him.

When Kaminari finally looks up, Shinso nods. "A good different."

"Does that make me your best friend?"

Kaminari rolls his eyes and throws the finger at Shinso.

"I guess."

***
Word Count: 2,476
YALL so winter break has started for me and i get three weeks off school>:) uh OHHH big news!!! my mom, dad, and brother finally got their new house!! lol they ASKED ME if i wanted to move in😭😭😭 HAHUIF IMAGINE. i said only if i get my own car💀. LOL anyway i got more ear piercings hehe and i cut my hair. ima get another piercing sometime after new years ANYWAY i hope yall liked this chapter. the next one will go up next Sunday at 8pm central time. (I might update on christmas too at 8pm central time). I love you all and tysm for reading<3