This whole ass chapter is a trigger warning. There's r@pe and quick suicidal ideation. Also self harm. The r@pe is talked about throughout the entire chapter. Just small bits for the most part, but there's a scene where it actually happens. Just a warning. be safe and know your limits:)

***

Things were NOT great. Oh god, he keeps embarrassing himself.

Shinso has been taking trips to class A for the past three weeks. On days they had training, he would spend the entire class day with them. Lessons and all. He would sit at the very back where one extra desk was added.

Shinso was not behind, making Kaminari rank 21 in the class now instead of 20. He's been studying, so that rank should go up soon. And if it doesn't, at least his grades show how much he's improved.

Either way, Shinso being in class constantly is distracting.

Kaminari did not think it was a big deal at first. Just a small crush. Shinso was, again, wow-looking. Kaminari would know, he looks at him all the time.

Anyway, whenever he talked or walked over straight to Kaminari, not Midoriya, ha suck on that Midoriya, but Kaminari, said blond would freak out internally.

He apparently liked their group, definitely not the initiation part. Shinso was beyond embarrassed at that. He liked everyone, but he always stuck around Kaminari, and you know what? Kaminari could cry just realizing that.

The problem is. He still feels disgusting.

The thing with his dad has not gotten better. At all. And being around Shinso makes him feel gross. He likes Shinso, and his friends know now.

He blabbed on that day after training, and whenever Shinso is not around, someone mentions it.

It's not just one or two, no it's all of the squad. Yes, Bakugo too.

It's embarrassing, but Kaminari enjoys the friendly teasing. The other problem is that if his secret gets out, people will probably think he liked it.

He is a boy who likes boys.

People would either think that he likes boys so he must like what's happening to him, or that him being raped by a man made him like men. He can't stand the thought of either.

Besides that, which he thinks about every single day, he keeps embarrassing himself.

Voice cracks have never been so frequent.

Tripping constantly had never been a problem.

Laughing at everything someone said was totally not attractive.

And it's not like Kaminari wanted to be attractive. Okay, he does, but he doesn't want to date anyone. He just wants to be appealing. For his confidence.

Dating means being around each other more than usual and hugs and kissing and eventually sex. Even if he builds up the first few things, sex will most likely never be something he can do.

He's tried watching porn before. Tried being the key word. Never with the intention to touch himself, no, he just wanted to watch a video without getting flashbacks.

It had not succeeded, but he hasn't tried again in the last few months.

It was just hard to get by and function when he had so much weighing him down, and Shinso was not helping by making him embarrassed.

He's a cool guy. They hang out all the time after school with the rest of the squad and even makes him help him study just like he does Bakugo, so usually he has someone to study with every day of the week.

There are times that he has to do it alone, but really, everything has been going okay. Well, in school. Home was not doing so well. His mom is weird with the grades and stuff.

She'll be very stern and strict about them being A's, but then she'll change it up and worry about Kaminari and his stress levels. His mom knows about his panic attacks. He would be concerned if she didn't since he's been having them since elementary.

But she knows about his anxiety with school and still pushes him way too much. Then she has the audacity to say 'you're the one who's hard on yourself about your grades'.

And, okay, that's also true, but she was the one who kept pushing him to be this way.

It's because of her that he's so hard on himself.

She's great, don't get him wrong. He loves Yukako, but she can be a bit much a lot of the time.

She's either great or just terrible, there's no in between. And now, Hell. Absolute hell.

Of course he had to go back home.

It's a week day so why the fuck did they make him go back home?

Bakugo was fuming when Kaminari announced that he was leaving after school.

"Give me your fucking phone," he had said, trying to get a hold of Kaminari's parents to give them a piece of his mind. The others just looked at them and Kaminari just felt embarrassed at the situation.

The hyper blond obviously didn't hand him his phone.

Now he's here, with Aizawa's permission, at home with his dad. Only his dad because of course his mom had work.

"Help your father build a shed in the back, will you?" She'd asked.

She asked so nicely and Kaminari didn't have any other reason than his dad to not go help, so he'd said yes immediately.

Fuck his life. As if school wasn't enough stress, he had Kisho to worry about and right now, done for the day and all showered up, Kaminari knows his dad is going to try something.

It's Monday so Yukako gets out at nine. He doesn't know exactly what time it is now, but his dad doesn't seem to care.

They'd measured all the wood and cut all that they needed to cut, already ready to start building, but not getting to that part yet. They decided to leave that for tomorrow.

Yes tomorrow because he's coming back tomorrow.

He likes that his dad needs him for stuff like this. Building and fixing cars or going to get groceries, but not being something he can use to get off.

His dad treats him absolutely amazing, outside from the rape, and Kaminari lives for that.

Pats on the head when Kaminari gets the right part when fixing a car and promises of treats when he goes grocery shopping with him. Kaminari likes being useful.

Not used.

Not like now when Kisho asks him for a hug.

His arms wide open.

He walks towards him anyway, hugging his dad.

Like always, a deep breath accompanied by Kisho's arms tightening around his smaller frame fills Kaminari with pure adrenaline.

He's scared.

Upstairs once again, not wanting to be caught, Kisho drags Kaminari's fresh clothes off.

I have to go back to school after this. I promised the guys I'd hang when I got back.

Kaminari just sits there, naked. He waits as he hears his dad take his own clothes off. His dad breathes heavily and his hands are rough on Kaminari's skin. The burn marks are big on his thigh. Big enough to look like quirk burns from another classmate.

His dad obviously doesn't understand that they're self harm burns, but Kaminari is grateful for that. This situation is embarrassing enough.

As Kisho drags his hands across his son's chest, Kaminari sits up straight. His mouth stays shut and his eyes stay focused on the dresser. There's a mirror there and Kaminari can see himself and the back of his dad's naked form.

He doesn't look at his dad, though. He looks at himself and he's disappointed. So utterly disappointed to the point where all he does is blame himself.

This is his fault after all.

He had a chance to stop this before, but he couldn't do that to his mom. He ruined his chances of getting out of this situation, and sometimes he thinks that he didn't admit to it because he might subconsciously like it.

It's not true, but he can't help but think it. Can't help but hate himself. And God he really hates himself right now.

He looks absolutely disgusting. His dad kissing down his neck and rubbing his sides. He hasn't made a move to start pleasing his dad, he realizes, and looks himself right in the eyes in the mirror.

He sees his eyes unfocus and reaches his hand out to grab Kisho, wrapping his hand around the appendage.

His dad's rough hands tighten around his thighs and the feeling makes him tense up. Kisho's hand is so close to his genitals and he prays, absolutely prays to a God he knows isn't there that his dad doesn't grab him.

Again, he's proven that there is no god when he reaches to grab Kaminari's dick.

He gets pushed back onto the bed, being forced to lie down as his dad hovers over him again.

He closes his eyes tightly at the unwelcome feeling. His dad is hard already, leaking the same slippery substance from the tip as always.

Kaminari never feels that pleasure, though. Kisho holds him in his hand way too tight. It's just uncomfortable, and Kaminari is so grateful for that. He might actually break if he felt pleasure from this, doesn't know what he'd do if he actually felt good.

Kaminari strokes his dad faster, trying to make him orgasm already so that he's done. Doesn't want to deal with the pain in his bottom during class tomorrow.

The other is moaning and Kaminari has to swallow the lump in his throat at the disgusting feeling it froms in the pit of his stomach and chest.

Kisho's hand moves faster and it hurts. He hates it and he even thinks about telling his dad not to do that.

He doesn't.

"Do you like this, Princess?"

"Yeah."

Kisho loves that response. Always has.

He pulls away from Kaminari and stands on the side of the bed. The younger is confused, thinking that maybe Yukako is home now, so he listens closely downstairs before his dad grabs his leg and roughly pulls him to the edge.

It startles a scared cry from him and Kisho laughs.

He towers over him and Kaminari doesn't look him in the eye. Suddenly his dad forces his legs open wide and he has to swallow down another uncomfortable cry from falling from his lips.

He just lies on his back, hands at his sides balled up into fists.

It's when he feels his dad's breath near his crotch that his eyes widen and he scrambles to sit up, slightly pushing his dad away with his hands.

Fear clawed at him with so much force, he thought he might actually combust.

"No."

Kisho looks at him and Kaminari swallows hard.

"Don't you want to feel good?"

Kaminari has to calm himself down, and he does almost immediately. Well, enough to answer.

"I do. Just hurry so mom doesn't see."

His voice is a mess. It's shaky and low. He sounds so close to crying.

His dad seems to agree with hurrying, so he pulls on Kaminari's legs again to drag his bottom closer to the edge.

Kaminari doesn't look.

Hands grip hard. Hard enough to leave bruises and Kisho opens his legs unnecessarily wide. It hurts. It's worse when his dad pushes in, though. It's fast and it knocks all the air out of him.

His mouth is left open in a silent cry as tears fill his eyes. His dad entered him completely.

He'd never done that before.

It hurts. A lot.

No noise leaves his mouth. It's too much.

His dad loves it though. Already pulling out only to roughly shove his way back in.

Feeling so much pain, Kaminari finally closes his mouth. He doesn't make a sound. Just clenches his eyes and mouth shut, willing his dad to cum already.

When Kisho topples over him, breathing heavily, voice getting higher and higher as the thrusts get faster and harder, Kaminari gasps.

His eyes shoot open at the sharp pain and he cries out. The change in position caused his dad's member to drag along the inside of his bottom painfully. Even more so than before. His dad likes the noise, though, because he spills into him, groaning loudly. Kaminari feels each twitch inside of him as the disgusting warmth spreads.

He might actually be bleeding, though.

His dad stays on top of him, breathing heavily with his hands bordering between his neck and shoulders.

When there's a sound of a door opening downstairs, both of them are filled with fear.

His dad gets off of him in record time, making his ass burn even more when he pulls out so fast.

Clothes that were once thrown on the floor are quickly being put on as they both hear movement downstairs. Kaminari sees that there are bruises on his thighs and he feels so much at once. He just wants to hug his mom.

"Stay here. I'll tell mom we'll continue tomorrow and that you've been in your room."

With that, he leaves, making his way down the hall towards the stairs where he knows his mom will be coming from.

It hurts to move at all.

He sees her and immediately goes over to her.

It's not easy, though. He feels dirty. So incredibly dirty and he's starting to feel his underwear get wet with his dad's cum and maybe even some blood.

Yukako hugs him and her smell is so different from Kisho's, but it still kind of makes him uncomfortable.

He feels bad for hugging him mom after he just let her husband fuck him. He's dirty and he just hugged his mom like it was nothing.

"Where's your father?" She asks, pulling away.

"Oh, we decided to call it a day, so I'm gonna come back tomorrow to help him start the building and stuff," he starts as he makes his way into the kitchen.

She follows and listens as he continues.

"Today we just measured and cut the wood into the sizes that we needed. We finished a little while ago and dad's been in your room since we finished," he says, sounding distracted as puts ice into his cup for some water.

She hums and looks him over. "You look funny."

He scoffs in amusement. "Call me ugly why don't you," he laughs.

She rolls her eyes with a small smile. "Did you have training today?" She asks.

He nods and sips from his cup.

"Oh, no wonder."

He looks at her, confused

"You look sore. Like you're walking weird," she says.

Although, he's filled with anxiety, he laughs.

"Like a penguin?" He laughs.

She smiles. "Yeah."

"Hey are you gonna drive me back?" He asks. 

It's Monday. He needs to get back to the dorms. Aizawa only gave him until eleven.

He looks over at the time and sees that it's nine fifteen.

"Yeah, why?"

He looks at her with a knowing smile and she sighs. "What do you want?"

He feigns innocence. "What? Can't I just smile at you without wanting anything? Wow," he says shaking his head, "but since you asked. Can we get fast food on the way?"

Yukako laughs and stands up to ruffle his hair. "Sure, let's go."

"You wanna ask dad or nah?" He asks.

"I'll call him," she says, taking out her phone.

As she does that, he goes to the bathroom, wanting to clean himself up a bit before he dirties anything that he sits on. Plus he feels gross and needs to make sure he isn't bleeding.

He goes back upstairs to get a change of underwear as fast as he can. It hurts, though. It hurts so unbearably so, but he has to be okay. If he's not okay, then what will him mom do? He sighs heavily as he opens his drawer.

"Denki!"

He rushes over to his door and sticks his head out into the hallway.

"Let me pee really fast," he yells back at Yukako.

"I'll be in the car."

In just a bit of time, quite a bit of blood, and lots of cum dripping from his ass later, he flushes the toilet before washing his hands and goes downstairs. He hadn't heard his dad come down, so he must not be going with them.

Once he makes sure he has his phone, Kaminari goes outside and struggles to get into the passenger's seat.

His mom winces when Kaminari gasps in pain as he sits down.

"Are you okay, sweety? Can you go to Recovery Girl tomorrow?" She asks.

He shakes his head and waves her off as he puts on his seatbelt. "It's okay, Ma, I'm just a bit sore. Nothing I can't handle," he lies.

It makes him feel repulsive and dirty.

"Okay. Where'd you wanna go?" She asks, pulling out of the driveway.

~~~~~

As time goes on, the worse his mood gets, and he just wants to go to bed already.

It's only been an hour since he left with his mom and he feels guilty for not being able to enjoy this time with her. He just feels bad.

"Right so this American lady comes out of nowhere, her name is Cindy by the way, and just knocks the boss's coffee out of her hands," his mom goes on.

He laughs, not really feeling it, but anything to make sure his mom doesn't feel bad. He also usually likes hearing these things from Yukako. Just because he can't enjoy it this one time, doesn't mean he should ruin it for the future.

"Cindy. Ugh, it even sounds annoying," Kaminari says, humoring his mom.

She laughs so hard, and it honestly makes Kaminari feel better. Not a lot, but it helps with this bad feeling he's had growing inside him.

Although he thrives from praises from his dad, he can live off of times like these with his mom. Her telling him stories from her day, or even from back when she was in high school. She'll laugh about old friends and share secrets she's never shared before. She tells him a lot, and she asks him stuff about his own life.

It's not until they're in the car again after eating that his mom gets serious.

"You know, if anyone does anything to you, you can tell me, right? You know that?" She asks.

She asks this quite a lot, actually.

"Yeah, Ma, I know," he says, looking her right in the eye.

"Good. Now is there anyone you like?" She teases.

He shakes his head, no one really coming to mind. No possible crushes. He doubts anyone likes him anyway. He's never been with anyone, and doesn't really see himself as attractive.

Wait. Shinso.

She huffs, quite annoyed. "No one?" She asks, giving up slightly.

"Well, there is one person."

His mom gasps excitedly and he smiles dumbly, even if he feels a little gross because of it.

"A boy?" She almost squeals.

He nods and looks away slightly. "Yeah. It's tha-"

"Bakugo?"

He bursts out laughing which hurts his bottom so much, so he kind of eases up and forces himself to calm down, ruining the moment for himself slightly.

"No. Not Bakugo. It's Shinso, but I haven't really spent much time with him, so I don't know," he admits.

He hasn't had a crush for a long time. Years.

He feels kind of weird now. Usually teenagers are all about crushes. He hears Mina talking about the guys from their school all the time. Sero and Kirishima always talk about their crushes, too. Bakugo is the most quiet about his crushes, but it's so obvious who it is.

Well, it could be one of two people and Kaminari can't really figure out who exactly just yet.

The problem is, Kaminari is the only one who hadn't had a crush. Sure, people are attractive. Does he like them? No. And that's the problem.

It's also not like it's only sex he's into because holy shit, sex is the last thing he wants ever in his whole life.

Now, though, his crush on Shinso is making everything bad.

He feels so happy around him, sure, but he also feels guilty and gross. It's not like being gay is bad. He doesn't really care about that. He grew up knowing that his family didn't care who he liked as long as he was happy, but he's attracted to men.

He grew up with a man raping him.

It's gross.

"He sounds like a nice boy. You do kind of talk about him a lot now. I'm happy for you."

He smiles, embarrassed. He hopes it doesn't get too bothersome.

She plays music that they both like after that. He doesn't really have the energy to sing like he usually does and he thinks Yukako takes notice because he can see her looking over at him every so often.

He'll be fine. He just needs sleep.

~~~~~

Once he's at the dorms, god does he hate everything and everyone.

Why the fuck is his life so fucking stupid?

He bypasses everyone everywhere and goes up the stairs, not feeling like dealing with anyone in the elevator. All he feels is disgust and sadness.

Oh, and pain. A sharp, shooting pain he feels with every step and breath.

Why is he so messed up? Why did his dad do that to him? How hasn't him mom noticed? Why is he so fucking dumb?

He feels a sob fill up his throat and tears well in his eyes as his chest swells with sadness.

He swallows up the pained gasps that get caught in his throat and continues walking up the stairs at a fast pace. Only a bit more and then he can really clean up and go to sleep.

He's sore. Not only from his bottom, but they really did have training today and he helped his dad with that really heavy stuff. He doesn't have a strength quirk, not by a long shot so his arms hurt, too. He can get over that, but the bruises on his thighs will take a while to heal, and he's been bleeding from his bottom since earlier.

Once he nears his dorm, he let's the tears build up and walks faster, ignoring the searing pain it brings him.

"Kamimari?"

He's already pushed open his door and ran inside, not wanting to face Mineta. Who knows who else was with him.

That's when he remembers his friends.

Shit.

He said he'd hang out with them.

With the click of the lock, the tears finally fall and he grabs a baggy change of clothes, including boxers, and goes into his restroom.

He smells bad. Actually bad is an understatement. He smells horrible. Totally not chill.

He just focuses on not freaking out. Cause why would he freak out? Everything is cool. Everything is like a cucumber. You know? Cause cucumbers are cool. The saying. Cool as a cucumber?

He laughs to himself. See? Everything is a cucumber.

He turns the water on and makes sure his restroom door is also locked before undressing. He puts on some music to sing along to because singing in the shower is fun. Everyone does it.

And he's normal just like everyone.

Hesitating to take off his underwear which is the last article of clothing he has on, he kind of just plays with the elastic part wondering if he really should look.

He knows he's bleeding, he just doesn't know how much. He doesn't really want to find out, but his bottom is uncomfortable. It's wet. He can feel the left over cum that he wasn't able to clean quickly. His boxers kind of sticking to him.

A wave of panic is felt as he realizes that he could have a stain on his sweats. His light gray sweats.

Wincing as he bends down to grab said article of clothing, he's filled with so many hateful thoughts towards himself. God, if he could just pray and make it come true, he'd pray that there was absolutely no stains or evidence of blood or cum. 

The sweats are flipped and there, on the back of the pants, is a stain. It's red. 

Mineta saw. He totally saw. The stain is so bright, so obvious. Oh god

Did his mom see?

Probably not, she would have said something. Fuck. Oh god. The thought of killing himself to hide away crosses his mind and he contemplates before slapping himself.

"No."

The idea seems so tempting so he hits his nose with his palm hard enough to hurt, but it doesn't really help with the thoughts that cloud his mind, so he hits the side of his head really hard. And then again and again.

"Stupid, stupid, stupid," he repeats.

The music in the background plays and it's almost mocking. It's upbeat, but he can't feel the energy.

He drops the sweats and just pulls down his boxers, entering the shower and just stands there with his arms at his sides, limp.

If tears fall as he cleans up thoroughly, they're not noticeable.

~~~~~

It's not until the next day that he sees the red splotches on his face from where he hit himself over and over.

He's late to class, not wanting to be questioned by his friends, and fuck, he has to deal with Mineta. He can't slack off because of this.

Homeroom is already over, and if he walks slow enough, god knows he'll have to, he can miss first. He knows he shouldn't, but what's one day?

The only upside to today is that there's no training. Thank god all might is so reckless.

As he finishes up with his shoes, he feels a wave of pain from his bottom and he cries out as he stands up straight.

He's bleeding again. He can kind of feel it.

He closes his eyes, tears welling up at the embarrassment of it. Even if it's just him right now. This is embarrassing.

Crying in the restroom, he cleans up again, doing the best he can. To avoid bleeding through his pants, he reluctantly takes a small pad from the bottom of his restroom sink. He has some in different sizes just in case someone needs them for their period.

The embarrassment of having to put one on is heavy as soon as he steps into the main building. He does have to walk extremely slow, and even then, each step is accompanied with a world of pain.

He knows the bell signaling second block is a few seconds away, and he's still around five minutes from the class. He could make it four, but doesn't want to risk it. His parents will definitely get a call about him being late, but that's the last thing on his mind, even if his mom might get mad.

The bell rings and he sees teachers switch rooms. By the time all the teachers have swapped, he's only a few steps away from class A.

With his hand on the door, he takes a deep breath which is exhaled shakily.

He pulls the door open, hearing the teacher pause momentarily, probably sparing a glance at him before continuing a second later. He looks at the floor as he makes his way to his desk slowly.

He knows his friends are looking at him, he feels it, but he doesn't look around, just puts his bag down, which sounds incredibly loud, and stares at his hands on his desk.

He hates his life.

~~~~~

"Kaminari."

He blinks before swallowing harshly and stands up slowly.

He looks down at his paper and opens his mouth to read the words.

The breeze moved around them as they took a step into somewhere new.

He doesn't say anything, just looking at the words on his paper with shock as he realizes he can't talk. His shuts his eyes with the sudden burn and feeling of needing to close them before opening them and repeating that motion. Then he looks up at Mic who's looking at him in confusion.

He sees that Mic looks his face over, stopping at places where Kaminari knows there are red splotches from where he hit his face last night.

He's not mad or disappointed, he just looks utterly confused at Kaminari's silence.

Kaminari sits down without a word, not chancing another glance at his teacher, but he hears the whispers of his classmates around him.

What is wrong with him?

Again, he feels embarrassment and his face burns. He clenches his eyes shut, wishing to disappear, and bites the inside of his cheek once Mic calls on someone else.

"The breeze, uh, moved? around them as they took, uh, a step into... some... somewhere new."

He focuses on Koda talking in order to calm the feeling of panic that threatens to make him run out of the classroom. God, he just might.

"Good job."

That could have been directed at him if he had just fucking talked.

His eyes are still clenched shut. If he doesn't open his eyes, he won't see Mina or Jirou looking at him from the corner of his eyes.

Maybe if he wishes hard enough, a car will crash into this very classroom and harm and kill only him.

***
Word Count: 4,844
yall, school has been really annoying. in my english 1302 class, the teacher is only making us do signature assignments and they're so easy. the one due in two weeks is only gonna be five pages like dawg come on i already know how to write and cite a fucking paper. anyway i hope yall liked this chapter. thank you for reading this:) i appreciate you guys sm. im supposed to get my wisdom teeth out next wednesday and im scared ima say some mean shit to my mom. LMAOOO next chapter will go up next sunday at 8pm central time. i love you all<3