M A X • P O V

One year later.

The computer screen came to life and Lucas stared back at me with no shirt on, bed hair and a nice view of his tonsils as he yawned.

I shouldn't have been surprised he was still half asleep in the middle of the afternoon. It was his first weekend after starting college and from what his text messages said, he'd been busier than he cared to be.

"What's up brother," he mumbled, resting his forearms on the desk in front of him. "Fuck, I'm fucked. Tired as shit."

"Late night?"

"Milly was here. She's gone back to her dorm room I think."

"How's that going?"

He scratched the back of his head. "We've been talking a lot. Figuring out where to go and what to do. Honestly my dick is going to fall off if she keeps blocking me."

"Dude."

"I haven't had sex in almost twelve months, Max," he leaned forward and stared at the screen. "I've been so good. I've taken her on dates. I haven't looked at another girl. And I'll keep waiting. But my balls are bluer than Gatorade. I love her. I just want to show her that I love her."

"She's not interested?"

"I dunno," he leaned back and palmed his face. "She is. She's just waiting for a label I think."

"You just said you love her. What's the issue?"

"I don't know if I should give it some more time," he said. "Lydia told me I should focus on getting a career and all that shit. Be single while I'm at school. I can't fuck this up, Max. She's too important."

"You're overthinking it," I said. "You love her. You've changed and you did the right thing proving she meant more to you than sex. I think it's safe to give a real relationship a go."

"Yeah maybe."

"You said twelve months ago though. Did you guys—"

"Na," he shook his head. "Na it was at Lydia's wedding. I fucked one of the bridesmaids."

"Lucas—"

"It was a slip up. Old me crept back in when I was feeling alone and sad and four vodkas deep. I don't even remember her name. It was just a one night stand and Milly knows about it. She's done the same. It's no big deal."

"The bridesmaids were in their twenties dude."

"Mhmm," he said, smug.

My brother's obsession with his penis was truly concerning sometimes.

"So about Christmas—"

Lucas cut me off. "I don't want to talk about Christmas. It's still three months away."

"I just wanted to make sure you were going home? Abby and Flynn suggested we have Christmas at the California house."

Abby and Flynn were living in the beach house in Hermosa.

She was deep into her modelling and Flynn was doing College football at UCLA.

It was strange for all three of us to be in a different place.

Lucas was closest to home at Baylor but he lived on campus. Mom and Dad seemed to be thrilled about having the house to themselves again. Something about walking around in the nude.

"I'd be down on a Christmas in Cali," Lucas said. "Be warmer."

"I'll let the others know."

"No need," he waved me off. "I'm going home for lunch tomorrow. I'll let Mom and Dad know."

I nodded.

"So how are you," he asked. "The first anniversary of Kyla's passing coming up."

Thinking about Kyla was never painless but I was able to smile at our memories now. Rather than falling into a pit of despair.

"I'm okay," I said. "Yeah I miss her but I know she's no longer in pain. That's what makes it easier. Plus I can remember her voice. Her very demanding voice telling me I wasn't allowed to cry over her after the first three months."

Lucas laughed but I could almost feel his own grief. It was like a pinch in the heart and it knocked the wind out of me for just a moment.

Kyla was adamant that I didn't spend long grieving. She told me all the time that I was too young not to move on.

She didn't want me to spend years and years wasting my youth because she wasn't around. She made me promise I would find happiness again.

Just thinking about how selfless she was made my heart hurt. I hadn't moved on. But that was more to do with the fact I hadn't been interested in anyone.

If it happened, I wouldn't let the grief hold me back.

"You'll never guess who I ran into when I was out for lunch with Marnie the other afternoon," I said.

"Yeah, who?"

"Amalia."

Lucas paused and his brows raised in surprise. "True? How is she? Fuck, haven't seen her in a while."

"She's good. She's still living in Philadelphia but she's considering moving into New York since she trains an hour and a half each morning and afternoon for work."

"Where's she work?"

"A tattoo parlour in the city centre."

He smiled. "That's cool to hear."

"Yeah we didn't talk for long. She was on her break. But she seemed great. Really happy."

"Good."

"Is that— I mean do you still. . . think . . . about her?"

"Na," he said. "Not like that. I'm glad she's doing well though. I wonder if she's still playing softball."

"No idea. She did tell me to say hello though."

"Surprising. She was chill when she left but I didn't think she'd ever want a thing to do with me again."

"She seemed. . . indifferent?" I said. "She was polite and sweet. There was nothing but genuine well wishes I think. That was the vibe I got. I don't think you left much of a mark if I'm being honest."

"Yeah that's good. Still feel a bit gross about what I did to her."

"You made a bad choice," I said for the thousandth time in the last twelve months. "You did a dumb thing. But it's in the past and you've made a lot of changes. You learned. That's the best thing you can do when you screw up."

He nodded and rubbed his face again. He wouldn't have done a circuit at the gym yet which would have been why he couldn't shake the fatigue.

"Alright," he sighed. "I'm going to shower and beat off because I'm blue."

"That's definitely something I needed to know."

"Same time next weekend? I'll make sure I'm more awake."

"Yeah," I said. "I might be working. I'll let you know."

After graduation, I decided to take a gap year. I wanted a year to just . . . breathe. After everything with Kyla and then senior year, exams and all the pressure. I decided I just needed to feel less stress for a bit.

I had every intention of doing law next September. But in the mean time I was working as an assistant at an Ad agency. Something Lucas was decidedly against.

He told me I was too good to assist. I needed to be the one in the manager seat. Kind of him. But I didn't mind doing basic work and having the weekends off.

"Tell dad I said hello and give mom a hug for me," I told Lucas.

"I'm gonna punch Dad in the face when I see him because he FaceTimed me in the middle of a practice during the week and started shouting about the fact that I'd left shit on the toilet seat at home. I fucking hadn't. It would have been Coleman's kid. The cunt has no idea what the hell he's doing with a three year old."

"Well, in fairness, he only found out he had a child six months ago."

"Dumbass," Lucas rolled his eyes. "Alright. I'm off. Talk later."

"Yeah. Later."