Look out for the <>!

I am still safe in Brazil. I have been spending most of my time inside but things all over the world are heating up. It is a bit stressful to read about it in the news so I decided to not read as much about it. 

I hope you all are still staying safe.

Darla

I sat on the couch and frowned as I looked out the windows to the backyard. The snow was floating gracefully down to the ground like it was dancing ballet, but I was stuck here on the couch. Everyone was gone, doing errands and I was forced to stay home in solitude.

For only being home for one full day, I felt like it was a lifetime. I was more isolated here than I was in the hospital. I thought I would be happy to be home, and in some ways I was, but here, right now, I felt completely alone.

I ran my hand through the short fuzz that was growing on the top of my head as I thought. My body ached and my head pounded. Being alone, all I could focus on was my pain. I wanted someone to hold me and tell me everything was going to be ok.

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Breaking me from my thoughts was the urge to go to the bathroom. I stood up from the couch with trouble and frowned at the bathroom that seemed so far away. Maybe I should wait, but the urge to go pee was too strong for me to hold. I took a step forward. I felt my feet ground with the floor. I took slow steps towards the bathroom. Finally, I put my hand on the handle of the bathroom door and then felt my legs buckle under me.

Instantly I was on the floor. My eyes start to well up with tears as my pants got wet. I was broken. I was nothing. Who was I, when I couldn't even get to the bathroom?

"El!!" mom called out to me as she opened the front door to the house

I wiped my tears and sniffled. She was back quicker than I thought. "Mom!?" I asked, making sure I wasn't hearing things.

"El? Where are you? Are you ok?" she asked with worry in her voice.

"No," I said honestly to her as she ran up to me.

She looked at me with pity. "Oh, El," she said as she sat down next to me.

I shook my head. "Mom, I can't do this."

She pulled me into a hug and sighed. "Yes you can. You have done hard things before. You'll get better and this will get better," she said firmly.

I pulled out of the hug and wiped my tears again. "But I hurt."

She flinched back. She didn't like seeing me like this but she remained strong. "That was why I went out and I got your medication," she said and handed me a bag of pill bottles.

I looked at all four bottles. All my life I had never taken any medication or vitamins but now, I had collected at least five pills to take a day.

To be honest, I wasn't excited about taking any of these. Allyson told me about the side effects. They would all take a toll on me but she was convinced that it would be better for me in the long run. I wasn't sure I believed her. But then again, I hadn't even tried. "Ok."

"Ok, let's get you up and in some fresh clothing," she said and helped me up from the ground. "In Paulo's joking words, 'you can only go up from here'," she said, trying to make light of the situation.

I nodded. She was right. I could only go up from here.

With that, she went into the kitchen to get water for me. "Take these so we can go to your appointment," she said as she handed me a glass of water. She then walked off, probably to get me some new clothes.

I looked at the small handful of pills in my hand. One by one I popped them into my mouth and chased them with a glass of water.

Once the pills were gone mom came back with clothes in her hand. She handed them to me and helped me into the bathroom. I forced a smile to show I was ok then close the door, shutting her out from the bathroom.

"You don't need any help, right, El?" mom asked me.

I shook my head as I sat on the toilet to take off my now soiled pants and underwear. Hell no. I wasn't going to get better if I kept on asking for help. I had to do this on my own. I was strong. I was independent. I was completely able to go change my clothes on my own "Nope, I am fine," I said to her.

Once I was changed, I stood up carefully and hung onto the sink. My world spun as I started to see black dots. I was going to pass out. I couldn't. Not now. I took in a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"Are you ok, El?" mom asked as she tapped on the door. I was taking too long.

No. I wasn't. "Yeah, way ok mom," I said as I washed my hands. I opened the door with a fake smile.

"Ok, let's get out of here," she said as she put my ugg boots on the ground so I could slip them on.

I tugged on my shoes and took slow steps towards the door. I hung unto the handle, already out of breath.

"You got it?" mom asked with concern as she stood behind me, no doubt waiting for me to clasp in her arms.

I nodded. I was surviving. But only just. I was about to have another meltdown. "I'm ok," I said as I opened the door to see the car waiting for me to get into. I gave a sigh of relief as I knew I only had to give 10 more steps then I was home free. Each step I took, was hard. My limbs were still not working the way I wanted them to. Every step was slow and took too much concentration.

Finally, my hands wrapped around the door handle of the car. Did it. With a force that almost caused me to lose my balance, I opened the door to my father's sedan and slid into the shotgun seat.

Mom got into the driver's side and turned on the car. I shivered. It was freezing in here. "Can we turn the heat on please?" I begged her, I was all ready for winter to end and I knew it only just started. February was going to be long and just as cold as January.

"Dad is going to meet us at the hospital for the appointment," mom said as she drove out of our driveway.

I nodded as I looked at my phone for a distraction. "Sounds good," I said as I resisted the urge to vomit. I pushed myself too much already. Today was going to be rough.

We drove the rest of the way in silence as mom turned up the radio. She never was good at listening to nothing. There always had to be something on for her, music, talking, a podcast, anything but just not silence.

Finally, after what felt like ages, mom stopped the car in front of the hospital and sighed.

I put my phone away and nodded. I was thinking the same thing. Here we are again. I didn't know what to expect with the doctor's appointment then physical therapy. I was preparing myself for an emotional roller coaster that was about to hit me like a brick wall. It made me a bit nervous until I reminded myself that I had done hard things before.

"Are you ready?"

I nodded. Maybe. Hell, actually I wasn't but there was no going back now.

"Ok, let's go," she said as she got out of the car.

I followed her lead and stepped out of the car with much difficulty.

Mom walked off quickly but within seconds, came back with a wheelchair.

I wanted to say I didn't need it, but the truth was, I did. I had to admit to myself that I was not capable of walking to the hospital on my own even if it was only 500 yards away.

My new goal, not to use this. I sat down into it and allowed mom to push me into the hospital. The drive and motivation that I had when I left this place only a few days ago were completely gone. I was back to being insecure, and sad about my state.

What was I thinking? I couldn't recover fast enough to get back on the ice in a month. I was shrugging to even make it to the bathroom on my own.

We walked through the door of the hospital and mom took a hard left. She knew where we were going. She probably already went here when I was recovering, making plans for me. She was always so good at that.

After walking down the long wide hall for a while she took a right and we walked into a waiting room. It was empty except for dad reading some magazines. "Rafa," mom said to dad.

Dad put down the magazine and smiled at us. "I already checked in," he said with eagerness. He was waiting for some kind of exciting news as if he knew it would come. I wasn't sure if it would or not but I couldn't help but hold onto his excitement.

"Ellis da Souza?" s nurse asked with scrubs as she walked out of some hinged doors.

I raised my hand. "That's me," I said to her, and instantly the wheelchair I sat on started moving towards that door the nurse came from.

We followed her back to a small room that looked like an office instead of a hospital room. On the table, there were photos of smiling kids and half-dead plants in the corner of the room.

"El," doctor Well's said as she walked in holding a cup of coffee. She sighed as she took a seat behind her large oak desk then pick up some papers that had my name on them.

I frowned at her in silence as I watched her. Now that I had worked with her for a little over a month now, I got a clear opinion of her. I didn't like her. I didn't like the way she said my name, or how she seemed to never want to talk to me. She made me feel like an inconvenience. She saw me as a child but I was more than that. I was strong, capable, and mature. I could take anything she was about to say. "Let's hear it," I said to her.

"I finished looking over the MRI and Cat scan. It's clear that we got all of the tumor in surgery," she said with a small smile.

I smiled at her. Things were looking up. "Really?"

She nodded.

"Wow, that's great," dad said as he rubbed my shoulders in excitement.

"But please keep in mind that doesn't mean that you are completely out of the woods yet," Wells said. "With multiple endocrine neoplasia, it's something that never goes away. There's no cure. You will always have it and you will always have to be aware of it. It requires you to do by yearly blood checks and doctors' appointments to make sure there aren't any surprises."

I nodded. I could deal with that. As long as I wasn't always here, I was happy. "So what does that mean for me and skating," I asked, as for me this was the last but most important question to ask her.

"As soon as the therapist clears you, you are good to go back to the ice."

I beamed at her. "Thank you."

She nodded. "Do you have any questions for me?"

I shook my head. I just wanted this appointment to be over.

"When will the next check-up be?" dad asked.

"I want to do a blood panel next week but then after that, probably not for a few months," Doctor Wells said with a smile. No doubt happy that she wouldn't have to deal with me as much as she had.

"Ok, any other questions?" she asked as she looked at my parents. She wanted us out of her hair.

Mom and dad looked at each other and shook their heads.

"Great, if you have any questions at all, you can call my number here," she said and handed them a small business card.

"Thank you so much for all that you have done," dad said and shook her hand.

This is her job. She did nothing out of the normal for us, dad. "Thank you," I said as I started to push myself away from the desk, just as eager as her to end this conversation.

In silence, dad started to push me out of the room. "You did it," dad said softly.

I nodded. For now, everything was good. But I remembered what doctor Wells said, 'there will be constant monitoring. I will never be cured.' multiple endocrine neoplasia was me but I wasn't going to let it hold me back. For now, I could celebrate the victories I had. "I guess I did, didn't I?" I said with a smile, saying what he wanted to hear.

"Ready for your next appointment?" mom asked with a smile as if it was something exciting like getting ice cream.

I thought about the challenges I would face in therapy. I wasn't ready for that. "Totally," I said with confidence even though I was anything but.

With speed, mom pushed me through a few halls then into a large vaulted ceiling room. I was guessing that it was for therapy as I saw it filled with a few people using weights, treadmills, and so on. If I didn't know any better, I would say that it looked like a large off ice room. I was not a stranger to any of this equipment.

Breaking me from my thoughts was a younger blonde-haired man as he walked up to us. He wiped the sweat off his forehead and smiled. His sweaty Nike T-shirt and gym shorts made me think that he came here often to work out. "Are you Ellis?" he asked.

I nodded at him. "That's me."

"Hi! I'm Alex, I'm your therapist," he said excitedly and shook my hand. His excitement reminded me of something I used to have. I hadn't felt this excitement for anything in over a month. He looked at my mom and smiled. "And you must be Eliza."

Mom nodded and shook his head.

"Great. I am going to have you sign some paperwork for Ellis and Ellis, I'm going to take you back to the bars in the back of the room."

I nodded as he pushed me in the wheelchair in silence.

We made it to the bars and he moved in front of me. "You know you can talk to me," Alex said with a chuckle. "It makes it more fun for me. I saw on your report that you are a figure skater."

I nodded. I was anyhow. But I hadn't skated in a few weeks. I didn't feel like a figure skater anymore when I could barely go to the bathroom by myself.

"Ok, we are going to try these bars. You can hang onto them if you need but I want you to try to walk the length of this without their help."

I nodded again as I stood up from the chair I sat in. I shuffled my feet to the bars and looked at the end of them with a frown. It looked so far away from where I stood.

"Ready? Take your time."

"Ok," I said as I took a step forward.

"Do you mind if I put some music on?" he asked.

I took a step forward as he put on some rock song. My legs felt shaky under my weight, my head spun, and I felt like I was going to be sick. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. I would show them. I would show all of them. I could do this. I took a step forward, resisting the urge to hang onto the bar.

"Great job El," Alex said with excitement.

I nodded as I took another step. That was for me. The next step was for my parents. I took another step and smiled. That was for my skating. I was going to get better. I just needed to practice.