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Look out for the <>!

I looked up at the rink and let out a breath. After taking seven days off from skating I felt like I hadn't been here in forever. For the past four years, I hadn't taken more than five days off from skating at one time.

Anxiety hit me like a bricks as I took a step forward. With the rush of Christmas, for a second it felt like my health just water under the bridge, but standing here, looking at the large building loom over me, the article ran into my mind again. The skaters wouldn't forget either.

What Callum did was heartless. He knew what that secret meant to me and with Nationals only 4 weeks away, word already spread like wildfire. No one would forget it. It was written with such force and direction. Callum knew exactly what he was doing when he wrote that. He wanted to destroy me just like I destroyed our relationship.

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I walked into the rink with my head held up high. Suddenly the business of the rink died down as they stopped to stare at me. It was clear that the whole rink knew my secret. I wasn't battling an eating disorder, I was battling something far more dangerous.

I pulled on my turtle neck sweater as if that would shield my neck from prying eyes. I spotted Cami talking to Tom and Quinn instantly. Cami and I made eye contact and instantly she stopped talking to them. Tom quickly whispered something to both of them and Quinn nodded but Cami just frowned at me. There was so much written in her eyes, but I could only read disappointment.

I stared back at them for a moment. I knew what they were thinking. It was clear that I was the topic for discussion. They would want to talk to me, but I couldn't face them. I knew they would want me to pick a new leader. My title of rink leader was a good a stripped. I wasn't the queen of the figure skaters anymore.

I looked at Cami again, who was still wearing a frown. Cami told me everything. I shouldn't have kept this from her. She was my best friend and she deserved to know. Cami must hate me. Everyone must hate me. With Callum's help, I dug myself into a lonely pit.

Quickly, I found an empty bench and sat down alone in a corner. I put in my music and turned it up as if that would help drown out the voices around me but I knew they were still talking about me. Words like 'sad', 'pity', 'shame' rang out even through my music. For the first time ever, I was the rink gossip. I dug my nails into my palms to fight the tears that wanted to come. I had nothing to hide behind as I heard their words.

"Ellis?" Cami's voice rang out clearly.

Her small stick-like frame stood in front of me with caution. She and I both knew that careful confrontation was never her strong point. She was good a snapping and defending her thoughts. She had no tact when it came to it.

I diverted my eyes back to my skates in silence. I wish she didn't approach me. I rather if she just pretended like I wasn't around. Giving up, I took out my headphones so I could hear her better. I had been preparing myself for this for days but yet I felt not prepared at all.

She straightened her shoulders and stood tall with her skates. She wore her skating dress with confidence as she looked down at me. She looked like a true skater, unlike me who was falling apart in all ways possible.

There was silence as I waited for her to speak, to yell, and to shout. That was what I was used to when Cami was upset. "You didn't sit with me," she stated with hurt clear in her voice.

I was not expecting to see this side of Cami. "I didn't think you would want to be with me."

She sighed as if I didn't get it. She opened her mouth to say something but was stopped by Tom calling out to her. She looked at him as he tapped on the watch around his wrist. They had to get on the ice.

Unlike me, they were put together and on time to practice.

Cami looked at me with sympathy. She had so much to say to me but I wasn't sure if I wanted to hear it. "I'll talk to you later," Cami said then ran off to join Tom and Quinn.

At least, for now, I was safe from a fight that I knew would be coming. I nodded as I started to tie my skates again. I was late already, I might as well own up to it.

I felt the nylon laces dug into my dry skin and for a second, I missed this feeling. I tied my skates and noticed the laces cut into my hands, causing them to bleed slightly. Ok, maybe I didn't miss the feeling anymore.

I stood up from the bench and bounced on my skates, getting used to them. They felt so foreign on my feet, causing them to ache as I felt my toes dig into the leather sides. I was already uncomfortable and I knew that this would be a long practice. With a deep breath, I went into the rink.

I took off my skate guards and stepped onto the ice. For not skating for a little over a week, the ice felt so different. It was as if this was the first time I was stepping onto it in years. This cemented the idea that I couldn't take any more time off. It didn't matter that the doctors still didn't know what was wrong with me. From now on there would be no skipping and no goofing off. I needed to push myself until Nationals.

I dropped off my water bottle at the boards then started to skate laps around the rink. It was crowded since most of the skaters were on break for Christmas, but yet they kept their distance from me as if I was contagious.

I fought back emotions as I turned to skate backwards. I could feel their eyes on me. They were judging me, whispering about me. I always liked the spotlight, but this kind of spotlight I couldn't stand. I set up for a warm-up axle and landed it easily. I smiled at them, proving that I hadn't lost anything. I was still me and I was still the ice queen. Today would be a good skating day. Today I would show the rink that I still had it.

I set up for a back sit spin then pulled out of it hastily, feeling dizzy. I rubbed my neck gently as it burned. Something told me to stop but I wanted to push through the pain. It wouldn't be the first time I did that. I set up for a double loop and landed it feeling my blade slip slightly under me. It was sloppy but at least I landed it.

Breaking me from my thoughts was the sound of my name. I saw Kris waving me over. I looked at the time, she was late by five minutes. I wonder what caught her up. "Did you see that? I'm going to try a double axle next."

She shook her head, unhappy about something. "I'm not asking you to jump," Kris said.

Then why did she even called me over here in the first place? "Aren't we here for a lesson?" I asked, raising my voice. She used to push me until I wanted to vomit, but now she wanted me to take it easy. If I let her, I was going to be a laughing case at nationals.

She sighed as she tried to keep her emotions under control. She looked like her heart was getting torn in two. "El, we aren't going to nationals."

I felt like someone punched my chest. The wind was knocked out of me as I gasped for air. I held onto the boards for support for a second as the sentence played in my mind again. I finally made it and here she was, telling me I couldn't go. She wanted this just as much as I did, or so I thought. We were a team and she was bailing on me all because of a illness. 

I felt my eyes well up with tears. Another person to throw a knife in my back. By now I was bleeding out on the floor, barely hanging onto life and no one was stopping to help.

"There's always next year," she said, consoling me like I did with Cami not too long ago.

I shook my head again. I wasn't going to take this as an answer. I wasn't going to listen to her. I didn't need her by my side at nationals. I could go on my own. "No, I'm going with or without you," I said sternly.

"Your parents agreed that you should step down this year," Kris said with a sigh.

I couldn't help the stream of tears that made their way down my face. This couldn't happen. I worked so hard for this. I wouldn't let this happen. Already, I started making plans to go without Kris as a coach.

As if reading my mind, she put her hand on mine and squeezed it. She looked crushed. "We pulled your name out of the competition this morning."

Rage shot through me like a bullet, ripping into every organ I had. I thought we had a stronger bond than for her to go behind my back and talk to my parents. Everyone was turning on me, but she was the final straw. "You talked to my parents about this? How long have you been working this out?" I shouted at her.

By now the whole rink had stopped to watch our fight play out, but I didn't care. My secret was already spilt there was nothing left in my life that was worth hiding. As far as I was concerned, the only one here was Kris.

"A week. Ellis, you haven't seen yourself. You're slipping behind your lowest scores. You're popping jumps, falling on your spins. You can't keep this up. If you go to Nationals like this, it would have been a train wreck," Kris said with worry in her voice.

I shook my head again. Her words were a slap to the face. I was not a train wreck. I was still me. I was still Ellis who was full of talent. I wanted her to take that back. "I'm just a little off recently," I said softly.

"It's been more than just a little."

Instead of being distraught, I was furious. I wanted to hurt her just like she had hurt me. I wanted her to feel sorry for doing that. I would show her. I still had it. I was still the same skater I was a month ago.

"Ellis, it's already done," she said as her eyes welled up with tears. She put her hand on my shoulder as if that would help anything.

I shook my head. Maybe it wasn't too late. I could call them back, say that I was fine. I pushed myself away from the boards. I couldn't believe any of them. They didn't think I could do it. They were underestimating me. 

I needed to show them that I could do it. I was ready for nationals. I pushed with power as I set up for a double axle. I let out a breath and sucked in as I jumped. I felt myself fly through the air then suddenly everything went dark.

I opened my eyes as Kris shook me franticly. Her straight brown hair was falling out of her ponytail as she looked at me with terrified dark brown eyes. "Ellis, can you hear me?" she begged.

I nodded as I tried to push myself off the ice but slipped against the ice. My head was pounding in my skull. I felt sick to my stomach. I rolled to my side and dry heaved but it didn't make me feel any better.

"I'm going to call 911," she said as she took out her phone.

I shook my head. I pushed myself off the ice. I wasn't going there. I already made a fool of myself as I looked around the rink. Everyone had stopped skating to stare at us. The last thing I needed was for someone to take me away in an ambulance. I was stupid to come here in the first place. I shouldn't have convinced Paulo to take me. "No. That's not going to happen," I said as I stood up.

"Puck, Ellis," she shouted at me. She still wanted to call someone.

"I'll sit with her to make sure she is ok," Cami said as she skated up to us.

She looked at Cami as if judging that this was a smart idea.

Honestly, I didn't know what was worse. I frowned at Cami. I was so afraid about what she would say to me. She was hurt, I could see that in her eyes and I didn't want her to chew me out. I didn't want to sit by her. I rather protect myself in solitude.

Without saying anything more, I brushed myself off in a poor attempt to dry myself but my skating pants were already wetting my skin underneath them. It hinted that I had been on the ice for a while. With shaky legs, I skated off the ice. I stumbled to my bench and sat down in silence.

Cami sat next to me in silence. She stared into the distance as if her hazel eyes were looking at something far away. She was choosing her words carefully. The silence was deafening. She hated me. She wanted to chew me out, like she did to everyone else when she got mad at. She wanted to give me a piece of her mind, but I was too emotionally raw to handle it.

"I'm just hurt that you didn't tell me what you were really dealing with," Cami finally said as she looked out into the lobby, keeping her eyes off of me.

I nodded in silence. There were so many times that I thought about telling her, but I figured it would be safer to talk after nationals. "I was so afraid of it messing up my chances at nationals."

"But yet, you told Callum," she pointed out. She was hurt and she had a right to be.

It was true, but I didn't plan on telling him, it just happened. Looking at her, I realized that I should have trusted her right away. However, Callum was an outsider. I really thought he would be the safest one to trust. "I messed up big time, didn't I?"

Cami shook her head. "Nothing you can't fix," she said as she gave my hand a squeeze.

I looked at her with a nod then rested my head against her shoulder. All the tension that was between us dissipated instantly. Our friendship was deeper than this secret. We would be ok.

"I love you, El. You're my best friend. I just wish you turned to me when you found out."

I felt my eyes well up with tears. I wish I did too. "I love you too, Cami."

There were a few moments of silence until Cami spoke up again. "I'll take you home if you want."

I looked at her and nodded. The last thing I wanted was my parents coming to pick me up after I passed out. "That's not a bother, right?"

Cami shook her head. "Nah, not at all," she said and started to take off her skates. "Honestly, I need a break. Kris has been training me so pucking hard."

I chuckled lightly. "You have been spending too much time with her. You are starting to pick up her words." And just like that, we were back to normal.

Cami laughed. "See what I mean? I need a break."