Look out for the <> for this emotional chapter!

I skated around the rink and felt the freezing foggy air hit my face. The morning fog around the ice rink was thick today, only allowing me to see a few feet in front of me. Being to the rink this early on a Thursday morning did have its perks. No one was here and I had the whole rink to myself to skate my heart out.

I was just glad that I was able to take a Uber here since my parents wouldn't take me. They stood at the top of the stairs in silence as they watched me leave the house. The look of disappointment was clear on their faces but I chose to not let it bother me. What they didn't understand was that I needed this. I needed to skate my emotions because unlike so many people around me, the ice would not judge.

Surgery was hours away and I needed the ice more than ever to decompress. I had so many thoughts flying through my mind. I was stressed, upset, angry, and emotional all at once. At least here, I wasn't forced to deal with my darker emotions since here I had to focus on the next move I was going to make.

I set up for a double loop and landed it with a bit of difficulty. It was clear that my mind was else where. I thought about the fight I had with my dad last night. It was messy, loud, and angry by time I closed that door to my bedroom. I shook my head. I felt like I was making enemies out of everyone.

I set up for a scratch spin and heard the rink door open. The sound of the metal bleachers creek as I pulled out of the spin to see Callum sitting on the bleachers, watching me. I frowned at him as I thought about our flight last night. Recently, he had been turning into just as much as an opponent as my family. 

I stared at him for a moment, reading him. I knew that he was here to talk 'sense' into me, but the thing was that I was the only one thinking logically. I was going to Nationals. This was my chance to shine and there was no other discussion.

With my head held high, I looked back at the ice, pretending that I didn't notice him. I knew what was coming but yet I wanted to hold back the dam for as long as I could. Maybe if I was lucky he would just go away on his own and the painful conversation would never be had.

I went and set up for a triple flip and landed on my butt instead. I had only been out here for 20 minutes but I found that I was quickly running out of steam. I had been fasting since yesterday night for the surgery and skating without food was hard. As the minutes ticked by, I could feel it taking its toll.

I stood up from the ice and brushed myself off. I needed to be more firm in my landings but my legs felt weak. I set up the jump again, and this time, before I knew it, I was hitting the ice with my butt harder then the last time. I laid on the ice and looked at up the metal ceiling of the empty rink in front of me. I had a feeling that my jumps wouldn't get any better than that.

I rammed the heal of my blade into the ice, causing a small pothole to be made. I shouted out in frustration. As much as I hated to admit it, this day wasn't the only day that I felt a stranger in my own skin. As the days ticked down to nationals, I felt myself struggling to get a grip on everything around me.

Even with the medication I was taking, my symptoms were getting worse. I felt myself getting more tired, stressed, blurred vision, and a few times, almost passing out. And when I was more stressed than normal, I started to hallucinate. I would see Callum, dad, my brothers, in places where they shouldn't be, saying things that they normally wouldn't. Deep in my bones I could feel myself falling apart. 

"Ellis," Callum called out to me.

I looked at him and noticed that he had moved to the boards where Kris normally stood. He pulled on his fur-lined coat and called out to me again. He didn't want to wait for me any longer. He looked tired and upset.

I couldn't get away from him anymore then he would get away from me. The rink would hold us captive until one of us spoke our minds. I stood up from the ice and brushed off the cold white powder from my butt then skated over to him in silence. I braced myself for what he would say to me next.

"Your mom said you would be here," he said as he shoved his hands into his pockets then shivered.

I nodded. Of course I was. If I wasn't at home or school, I was here. I was always here. And I wanted today to be no different.

"Your surgery's today and I was also told that you're taking hardly any time off to recover. You're even going against the doctor's recommendations," he said with a wounded tone.

I frowned. Well looks like my parents were turning into my worst nightmare. I was hoping that he would know about any of this and I would carry on as if nothing was seriously wrong. 

Anger flared up in me as I looked at him. He shouldn't be the one hurt. This was my life that was breaking in front of me, after all, his life would remain unchanged. I was the one crushed, defeated and broken, not him. I shrugged my shoulders as if the answer was simple. I couldn't take a break when I was so close to nationals. "That's the plan."

He shook his head as if that was the wrong answer. "What do you mean?" Callum asked as he ran his hand through his dark slicked-back hair causing it to fall out of place. He was getting more worked up than I thought over this.

I shrugged again as I tried to play it cool. "I'm doing this surgery than after a few days, I'm going back to skate," I said to him firmly. I had already made up my mind. He wouldn't be able to change it. There was no point in him coming to talk me down.

He bit his lip as he tried to control his temper. "You're making a mistake," he spat out.

And just like that, I remembered the fight with Jaimie at the restaurant. I felt myself fill up with anger. Like Jaimie, he didn't understand my life. He didn't get why I couldn't take a break. For a guy that knew so much about people, he didn't understand me at all. 

"You really think so? You think you know so much better than I? Callum, you don't understand, you're not into sports. I have to get back to it or I'll lose it. Nationals is almost a month away. Yes, I have to do surgery, but it's minor, and the recovery time is short. I'm making the smartest choice for me," I said with acid dripping in my voice.

He put his leather dress boot unto the ice and slid over it absentmindedly, thinking about my words. He didn't approve, I could see it in his eyes. Like my parents, he thought I was making a stupid choice. He didn't understand what Nationals meant to me, if he did, he wouldn't be here. 

Looking at him, standing in front of me, bossing me around, I realized something, he was never on my side. He wasn't supporting me. He was taking me down. Why should I even continue this? I shouted at him and before I knew what I was saying, it was already said. "You know what? Callum, we're done. It's clear that you don't understand my desires. You'll never understand them."

His wounded face turned into a grimace. He was hurt. But you know what, I was too, in so many ways. I wish this could have turned out better. But it was clear that this was always going to be the outcome. It was always going to be Ellis against the world. "Ellis, this is poor judgment. It's just skating after all," he finally said.

And just like that, something in me snapped. This was not just skating. This was my life. This was the only thing I knew! "Just skating?! Do you think I spent 13 years of my life to 'just skate'? You're pucking ridiculous. I thought by now you would have understood that it meant more." I said as I rammed my toe pick into the ice again, causing another pothole, one that Garret would hate. "We can't do this anymore. I'm done. This is too tiring and it's clear that we're too different."

As my words sank into him, his face turned into a mixture of anger and shattered emotions. He opened his mouth but yet said nothing. He was speechless, but maybe that was a good thing. Whatever he said, I didn't want to listen to anyhow.

Unwilling to talk to him any longer I shook my head. I couldn't have him standing here any longer. I wanted him gone so I could move on with my life. "You know this place good enough, see yourself out," I said and pointed towards the exit.

He shook his head, standing his ground. He tapped his foot in a steady rhythm as he thought about what to say next. "No, you don't understand. You're not thinking clearly. Skating is tearing you apart. Anyone can see that. And you know, I was thinking this was a little too much to deal with as well. Breaking up is clearly a smart choice," he said to me finally.

I nodded. At least we were agreeing on something. "Good. Then goodbye Callum Weeks," I said as I pushed myself away from the boards, ending the conversation and our relationship.

"Goodbye Ellis da Souza."

<>

I turned backwards and skated with force as I set up for a double axle. I pushed off the ice and landed it with ease. With such strong emotions running through me, I felt like I had so much power in my skating.

I turned my head to see that where Callum was standing, was empty once again. Suddenly, it hit me like brick wall.  What I had done, I snapped, I got caught up in the moment and now he was gone and he wasn't coming back. But as I jumped again, I realized that I wasn't happy about it.

I ran my hands through my hair as fear took over me. I was shaking. What did I do? I shouted into the empty rink in frustration. We were done. It was over and I was the one that ended it. This was my fault. I shouted into the emptiness again. My heart was breaking.

I set up for a sit spin and sat deep into it. I pulled out and looked back at the boards, hoping he had returned. He didn't. He wasn't.

Within another 20 minutes, I was done skating, too emotionally, and physically drained to continue. I stepped off the ice and wiped the sweat from my forehead. I stumbled to my skate bag, already too tired to walk straight, and sat down. I looked at my skates with a frown as my vision blurred.

I wiped the tears from my eyes as if that would help. It didn't. I covered my mouth to hold back a sob. What did I do? I was having a meltdown. What was I thinking? I cared about him. We could have worked this out. He just came to me at the wrong moment. I hadn't been acting like myself.

Breaking me from my thoughts was the sound of my name. "El?" Cami asked as she walked up to me with skates in her hands. She looked concerned.

I forced a small smile. If I didn't have Callum at least I had her. I needed her. "Hey. What are you doing here? I thought you were skating in the afternoon today."

"I have to get my skates sharpened and Doctor Rogers is coming in to do them this morning," she said and held up her skates. "What's up?"

I wiped my tears from my eyes. I couldn't hold back my emotions from her. "Callum and I broke up."

She frowned as she sat down next to me. "Oh puck, El, I'm sorry."

I nodded. I was too. But I was afraid that I couldn't unsay those words to him. I didn't think there was a way to make this up. What was done was done and I wasn't sure if I could handle that. "I wish it could have been different. I really did like him."

She nodded as she wrapped her arm around me and squeezed me. "I know you did."

I leaned into her embrace and felt the heat she gave off. She warmed me instantly. Right now, I needed her as much as I needed air to breathe. I needed her to support me, to hold me together even though I was cracking apart.

For a few moments, we shared this silence. We didn't need to say anything. I knew she was here for me and that was all that mattered. At least I knew she would always be on my side.

"So, I found out I'm going to nationals," Cami said hesitantly, as if not sure this was a good time to break the silence.

I pulled out of the embrace and smiled at her. "Are you serious?"

She nodded. "Yeah, one of the girls had like a mental break down or something. Pulled out of the competition."

"Wow, Cami. That's great news," I said, even though my heart broke for the other girl.

She smiled. She was quiet as she thought and for a moment, she looked concerned. "You're still going to nationals, right?"

I nodded. "I wouldn't miss it." Like hell, I would miss it.

"You're eating disorder isn't going to get in the way will it?"

I shook my head. "No, I'm on the mend. I should be 100% by time Late January comes."

She nodded but she didn't believe me. She rubbed her dry hands together and let out a nervous sigh. "You don't see yourself, El. You don't look good. I don't think you're on the mend. If fact, I think you've gotten worse. El, I thought we were best friends. I thought you would tell me if you weren't doing well," she said honestly with hurt in her voice as she got up from the cracked plastic bench.

I stared at her as I tried to compose myself. She was hurt but what hurt more were her words. They felt like I was repeatedly getting punched in my stomach. I tried to cover my health and life so well. My façade was cracking and all it was causing me was lost relationships.