COCO CAME BACK from Paris a brand-new woman. Light blue streaks in her hair, a second piercing in her ears, grungy makeup, fashionable boots, and leather clothes. It was a continuation of the osmosis era, she told her hundred million followers on Instagram, accompanying her sentimental caption with some of the photos she took in France, along with one of her in her private jet with a champagne flute in one manicured hand.

Takoda had liked the post, not as petty as I was, and against my will, I found myself going through her comments, desperate to find something I didn't know I was looking for.

How are you still single??

You and @takodac better get married or I'm rioting

Why Cleo?? 😭😭

Not me hoping for a movie moment, when Takoda realizes it's been you all along

You guys realize that there's quite the age gap between these two girls right? Why do you keep placing them side by side??

My normal reaction would've been to feel bad, but this time the only emotion I could identify was determination. It was strange and a little surprising, but I accepted it, and in usual fashion, impulsively texted Takoda.

We need to post more thirst traps

As the text whooshed off, my dad walked into the living room with a cute baby pink bag in his hand. The sight of him instantly brought a smile to my face. I'd been expecting him, but after almost a year of only catching glimpses of him, I could only be prepared so much. Since he arrived last night, things had been moving in a blur. I couldn't tell left from right or up from down. The house smelled like him, felt smaller, cozier, and the sound of his laughter traveling down the hallway was one of those things you remembered on bad days, when you tried to pull happy thoughts out of the depths of your memory. It was so precious that I wanted to freeze this moment and save it for later.

He beamed when he noticed me curled up on the couch, his hair damp on his head. He'd been sitting by the pool all day with my mom and even offered that I joined them, but doing that would only expose me to a whole new level of cringe. In theory, it was all very cute, but I wasn't interested in watching my parents kiss every five minutes, thank you very much. They were in their late forties and had the kind of love a lot of young people craved and went lengths for. They were basically the embodiment of I want to grow old with you, and they loved to rub it in everyone's faces.

"Do you ever get out of the house?" he asked as he took his seat next to me, but I was too comfortable to sit up, so I refrained from moving.

"My best friend has this thing she does called having a social life that doesn't revolve around me and working towards her future, and my sister is refusing to talk to me, so I basically have nowhere to go."

"And your boyfriend?"

It felt like wind had been knocked out of me. The fact only seemed to settle after my dad said it. Takoda and I hadn't made any official statements about the status of our relationship yet, so people were still hesitant about what we were and how to label us, or if this was just one of those things that would fizzle out after some time, but I realized that once we did, that was one word that would be associated with me whenever he came up. Boyfriend. Takoda Calebs would be my boyfriend in a matter of days.

The word was unreal, mostly because at one point in my life, I'd been hungry to call him that, to put a clear name on us. I'd daydreamed about talking to Robin and Coco about it. I'd spun tales in my head about it lasting for years because I couldn't visualize myself with anyone but him. I still couldn't, although now it leaned more on the fact that I couldn't see myself in a relationship.

"He's not my boyfriend," I mumbled, going back to scroll through Instagram.

"Yeah. And your mom's not my wife."

His tone of voice made me laugh, and I pushed the power button of my phone before placing it screen-down on the couch. Then I turned to get a better view of him. "What I meant is that we haven't labeled anything yet."

He playfully rolled his eyes. "You know, when I was your age, dating was much easier."

"Oh yeah?"

"We certainly didn't dance around after kissing someone we liked."

"Mom is the only woman you dated, don't lie to me."

"And we're happily married today with two beautiful girls, which was to be expected of two beautiful people such as ourselves."

"You're embarrassing me," I told him with a laugh.

He took a moment to return it before fully turning to face me, his expression growing serious. "But on a more serious note, is that something you want?"

I still didn't want to, but I forced myself to sit up, not breaking the eye contact with him. "Yeah. But it all still depends on if we're on the same wavelength."

"You're young. Things aren't supposed to be that complicated."

"You should've said that to me late last year, because we're the physical embodiment of complicated."

"Just talk about it, okay? It could do a whole lot of good to get it all out there and know where you stand."

I nodded, unwilling to drag this conversation out any further. This daddy-daughter moment wasn't only for the both of us. It mentioned Takoda, so I knew that episode three would no doubt have it included. The disadvantages of this show certainly outweighed the perks—if there were any.

"You're too old to be giving relationship advice," I told him with a playful smile, and he immediately took one of the throw pillows and whacked me with it.

"You're a hilarious kid. Honestly don't know where you came from." I continued to smile at him, and he watched me contemplatively for a moment. "You're being careful, right?" he added, almost like an afterthought, and I paused, slightly clueless about what he really meant.

"What?"

He gave me a smile that elaborated his question before he got the chance to do it himself. "Are you being careful, Cleo? Smart decisions take us a long way."

When I got it, I realized it was quite simple what he was saying—no sex, right? My parents weren't fanatical Christians, but they still upheld most of their religion's beliefs. The one they greatly emphasized on was sexual purity. It was worth it, they'd told me. From a logical viewpoint, there were a lot of hiccups "premature" sex could cause, they'd told me. From a logical viewpoint, teenagers shouldn't actually be having sex, they'd told me. But back then, I was young. It seemed possible, seemed easy, to keep myself. Back then, I hadn't known Takoda. Back then, I hadn't known that romantic love and lust walked hand-in-hand.

I felt the guilt long before I gave him yet another smile. "Yeah. Of course."

He gently touched a hand to my face, and I almost cried at the amount of pride I saw in his eyes. For a moment, we were suspended in that moment, and I was tempted to tell him the truth. I knew he wouldn't judge me. I knew I would feel somewhat relieved afterward. But before I could get any word out, my phone went off, shattering the fragile air, and I gave him another smile before pulling away so I could check who the text was from.

I wished I was surprised when I saw Takoda's name on my screen.

I'm not taking my shirt off if that's what you're suggesting

"Okay, I'll just keep this over here and let you squeal over it in private," Dad said, placing the bag he'd brought along on the couch as he prepared to get to his feet.

"What is it?"

"It's all yours." He beamed again, walking away before I could force an answer out of him.

I shot a quick reply off to Takoda before checking what was in it.

You know people would lose their minds and die over a shirtless Takoda Calebs

I made sure to add an eye-roll emoji so he knew that I didn't mean that as a compliment, before giving all my attention to the promising bag next to me. Whatever was in it was wrapped in several layers of protective paper, and the high-pitched ping my phone let out barely a minute later almost distracted me from my task, but I pushed on, my entire body going still when I caught sight of what my dad had gotten me.

At the bottom of the bag sat a camera. A Nikon camera.

I'd read about the best cameras for beginners a while ago, when I felt like I was ready to move on from my phone camera and Instax, and Nikon had been the most recommended brand, but I'd still been contemplating getting one—stalling by searching online stores for tripods and other equipment that were of least importance—when Takoda left, so I temporarily gave up on my photography dreams. It was stupid to lose so much of myself over a guy, I knew, but it was easier said than done. I didn't find it very productive after realizing that I was only hit with sour memories anytime I had my camera in hand.

I had no idea how my dad knew that I wanted this, but my eyes watered at the promise of finally being able to attach a much more favorable memory to what I loved. I ran my thumb over one of the edges after pulling it out of the bag, the clear polish on my short nail extensions catching the light. I took a moment to happy-cry, letting myself forget that I was being watched. People watching wouldn't get why I was suddenly so emotional, wouldn't get why the girl that never cried was suddenly doing so over a camera, and that was okay. This moment belonged to me.

My phone pinged again, demanding my attention, and I took it from my lap as I brushed tears from beneath my eyes.

Have I forgotten what thirst trap means? Takoda had asked, but his question only held my shaky attention for a few seconds before I noticed the one that came before it. From my sister.

Lunch at mine tomorrow?

Through the windshield of the Porsche, I saw that I wasn't the only one invited to lunch with my sister.

"Are you kidding me?" I whispered to myself, my eyes remaining unmoving on the luxury cars on her driveway even as I navigated forward so I could park.

The AC vents were releasing steady streams of cool air into the car, but just like when I'd come here two weeks ago, it didn't feel enough. Long after I cut off the engine and, consequently, my music, I remained where I was, tapping the soles of my lugged Converse sneakers against the floor of the car and mentally preparing myself for what waited for me behind the perfect walls of that Spanish Colonial mansion. Coco was trying to set me up. She wanted to catch me off guard. This was her way of saying, Hey, I'm smarter than you. But I was going to show her that if she was a snake, I was a fox. The sly was about to meet the crafty.

I pulled in an unsteady breath, then unbuckled my seatbelt and popped open the driver's side door after taking my phone from the center console. I wasn't prepared in the slightest to see Takoda, but I was willing to brave this storm and thrive in it. With a purpose in mind, I put a small smile on my face and rushed up her front stairs.

I didn't bother ringing the doorbell, pushing the doors open like I was a joint owner and stepping in, immediately spotting a complete set-up of equipment in the distance. Coco's house smelled like one of the restaurants our dad took us to the last time he came around, and I wanted to laugh at the fact that she'd actually cooked, mostly because I knew she probably had YouTube to thank for that. She'd been thrown head-first into adulthood before she was fully ready, maturing faster than she grew, so she skipped a few stages of life. It was one of the only differences I could point out between us. She didn't get to spend as much time as I did with our mom, but while I was prone to being babied even at the ripe old age of nineteen because of my last child status, I knew she was the favorite daughter.

It was a slightly destructive thing to think about, and parents never liked to admit they had a favorite child even though they did, but I saw it in my mom's eyes whenever she looked at her or talked about something new she'd achieved. Coco was well-behaved. Obedient. She paid close attention to the roles of our parents in her life and respected them. She carried them along with the happenings in her life. Coco never talked back or yelled or swore at the table. Coco was wealthy and successful at twenty-two. I knew Mom was extremely proud of her, and countless times I'd wondered if she ever felt that way about me.

I followed the sounds of their voices to the kitchen, then out to the patio, trying to calm my nerves and quell all those bad thoughts. My sister, Takoda and Robin were sitting by the table, laughing about something I wasn't aware of, and the mood was so light that I almost didn't want to announce my presence. But I had a purpose in mind, and he was sitting right there, his body welcoming.

"It's a little disgusting that you guys are laughing so loud," I said, consequently drawing their attention.

Three pairs of eyes—one of them shielded by sunglasses—fell on me, but I only regarded them collectively for a few seconds before impressively pulling off my most impromptu plan. Takoda's Ray-Bans were placed on the table, next to his restless hand—he kept drumming his index finger against the wood, the only sign that he was uneasy—but there was a ghost of a smile on his lips when he took me in. It was familiar but involuntary—I could tell—and playing along with the nominally elaborate plan in my head, I gave him a smile that was different from the one I gave Coco and Robin, before walking over.

"Hey, you," I said softly, keeping my smile intact, trusting that he'd go with the flow. I could see my sister staring at me out of the corner of my eye, could feel the gaze of my best friend boring a sizzling hole through my skull, could feel the cameras following my movements, but I tried not to let any of that deter me.

Takoda looked a little surprised when he noticed that it was him I was going to, but it was just a flash in the moment, before something else, something a little less identifiable, claimed his features as I placed my hands on either side of his face and leaned down.

I wasn't expecting him to respond as quickly as he did, but the moment my lips touched his, he kissed me back, short and sweet, without protest. I internally screamed at my heart to shut the hell up when I felt it thrumming against my ribcage as I caught a whiff of his smell, mostly because I feared he would hear it and realize the effect he had on me.

As I pulled away, I let my eyes open, freezing for just a beat when they crashed into his. His eyes were swirling with emotions I didn't have the time to identify, and when I smiled, hoping they'd go away, they only seemed to intensify.

"Hey," he whispered, the sound fluttering against my lips.

It wasn't until I was gently smoothing a hand down his jaw as I detached myself from him to claim the seat next to his that I remembered we had witnesses.

The plan surprised even me, and I thought my cheeks were flushed. They felt flushed.

When I took my sister and best friend in, I felt a satisfied smile replace the hopefully lovesick one I had on. "Hey, girls," I said, pushing the power button of my phone to check for any Instagram notifications that might've come in while I was driving.

"That's the most disrespectful thing I've ever seen," Coco commented as I zeroed in on an email from a brand I didn't recognize. I really needed to talk to my mom about getting me a professional manager. The requests coming in lately were getting a little difficult to handle on my own.

"I partially agree," Robin conceded, forcing me to playfully roll my eyes.

"Please. Like you prefer when we did it in secret."

Coco shared a look with my best friend, who had a smile that completely went against the emotion she claimed to be feeling. If I wasn't mistaken, she looked thoroughly amused, almost like she was thinking about furiously grabbing me so she could squeal her romantic heart out.

"Is that your way of apologizing for being an ass?"

"You exhibited much more assholery than me, practically abandoning me for France and acting terrible over FaceTime, so I don't think I should be the one apologizing."

She gestured to me, as though attempting to make a point. "There you have it, folks," she said, her winged eyeliner somehow making her look vicious. Combined with the blue streaks and low-cut top, she appeared a certain way—one that had me wondering if I was just paranoid. A new era, she'd called it. "The one who thrives in conflict and never apologizes. I told you guys things with her would be difficult."

"What exactly do you want me to apologize for?"

Next to me, Takoda shrunk in his seat until he could place his head against the back. Then he groaned before looking at me, that glaze from earlier still in his eyes. "Just say sorry," he comically whispered, holding my gaze. "I'm hungry."

"You're equivalent to a puppy, Takoda. You should tell her that she was a little too dramatic."

We were all being playful, but I could sense that if this went on for much longer, someone was going to snap. I suspected Coco would go first because she looked that way today.

"I came here for lunch," I added after a moment. "Arguing about this is seriously immature, so please can we just move on?"

Even as I went back to my phone, I could feel her steady gaze on me as she leaned back, folded her arms over her chest, and crossed one leg over the other, but I ignored her, desperate to get my point across.

A few quiet seconds passed before I spoke again. "Dad got me a camera, by the way. Nikon. I read that it's really good for beginners."

"Oh yeah?"

I nodded, beaming at her.

"Oh my God, she's smiling. I'm terrified," Robin said, feigning fear, and I shook my head at her. I saw what she was trying to do—dissipate the underlying tension between my sister and I—and I was grateful for it, but when Coco opened her mouth again, I realized that it was already a lost cause and we just hadn't realized it.

"Mom told me you're taking another gap year." I froze a little, already knowing where this was headed. "Maybe with the camera, you can make this one worth it instead of lying around the house all the time."

My sister wasn't petty. I'd grown up realizing that, accepting it. If she had a problem with you, she preferred to honestly talk it out, tell you the parts where she felt offended, the parts where she felt improvements could be made. Coco wasn't petty, and I'd never had a reason to believe that she would ever personally attack me, but that—those words that just came out of her mouth—felt like a punch to the gut. It was personal.

I felt my smile start to fade as I kept my eyes focused on hers, felt my chest start to constrict, felt my jaw start to hurt. That was low. That was really, really low.

I noticed the very moment both Takoda and Robin got uncomfortable, a sign that they saw the fault in her statement, too, but I suddenly felt too drained to produce any response, so I gave her a small shaky smile before redirecting my attention to my phone. Takoda was looking at me, trying to weigh my reaction maybe, and I saw him, but I decided to spend what was left of my energy on reading the endorsement email.

Minutes later, the smell of home-cooked risotto swirled in the air as our forks clinked against porcelain plates, and after trying and failing several times to loosen up, to join the conversation, I resigned myself to focusing on my food. The risotto was admittedly really good, and even though I wasn't as hungry as I was when I got here, I felt like I could at least try to shovel in half of it before I excused myself to go figure out what was wrong with me.

My heart kept skipping at intervals, my mood kept fluctuating, and my jaw kept hurting, the same way it did whenever I was holding back tears.

"Cleo, do you remember Stan?" Robin asked, unfortunately pulling me back into the conversation.

I didn't realize I was playing with my food until I looked up at her and felt my hand stop moving. "Stan?" My voice was steady but a little burdened. I hoped nobody noticed.

"You know, Dissection Stan from—"

I didn't let her finish, recalling the ridiculously intelligent boy with wild curls she was referring to. "AP Bio." I managed a chuckle, and she joined me, hers sounding far more genuine.

"I bumped into him at The Grove the other day, and Cleo, he's hawwwwt." She made a show of fanning herself, making Takoda release a chuckle of his own as he shook his head.

"He's always been hot, but he was uber-focused on getting his diploma so he sort of flew under our radar."

"True. But Lord, he was nice. I'm still surprised he recognized me."

"Of course he recognized you. It's a shame you decided to date Justice instead. That guy had it bad for you."

She picked a piece of lettuce from her salad and threw it at my face, but the smile on hers betrayed her actions. "Why does everyone keep saying that? It's getting annoying."

Takoda thoughtfully looked in her direction, chewing with his fork hanging in the air. I had no idea what he was thinking as he took her in, or what he was going to say, but I was definitely not expecting, "Is that what you look like when you're in love?"

Surprised, Robin's lips parted, then she picked out another piece of lettuce from her bowl and threw it at him. Both he and I laughed as it hit him in the middle of his forehead, and he turned to look at me for a beat, his eyes easily finding mine. I tried not to be too surprised, briefly wondering if I'd ever get used to him looking at me. There was just a way he did it that beat everyone else. Impulsively, I reached forward and brushed a lock of his hair out of his eyes, only realizing what I did after the strands had been secured in place.

I turned back to my food, deciding to just eat so I could get the hell out of here the soonest I could. I only kissed him earlier because of all those comments on Coco's post yesterday. I wanted those people to watch the next episode and see it, know that I meant business. I didn't know why exactly I felt the need to prove myself like that, but I'd always been the petty one, the one who took cheap shots, so I couldn't say I was surprised. I just wanted all of them to shut up.

"I'm yet to ask you what your intentions are with my best friend," Robin told him, her smile lopsided and crafty.

Takoda busied himself with pushing her lettuce off his risotto. "I plan to feed her to my coven. Obviously."

"She does smell divine."

"Divine is an understatement."

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw my sister looking between Takoda and me, the blue in her hair standing out in the bright afternoon, but I ignored her, reaching to take some risotto from Takoda's plate even though mine was still full. 

well. i guess that's it for my author's note this week.