This one's kind of a big deal because people make it a big deal (AKA it's not actually a big deal). Here it goes.

NOTE: I'm totally not trying to sway people into having/abstaining from sex. It's your personal decision and I can not influence that. I am merely stating facts and misconceptions that people have.

What is virginity?

"The state where a person has not engaged in sexual intercourse."

Or, as I like to call it, bullshit.

Why is virginity bullshit?

Well, in my humble opinion, I think virginity is a societal construct- something that people (cough heterocentric sexists) create to keep the shape of society the way it is (note: there are lots of societal constructs). It is used to shame people who A) haven't had sex or B) have already had sex by a particular age. It is also used to objectify people!

Basically, there's no way to win the game of virginity!

With that being said, I want to clarify that I think the IDEA of virginity/losing virginity is stupid.

What on earth do you mean?

"Being a virgin has nothing to do with the type of person you are, you know? And that's what should matter more." - Candice R., co-writer of Psycho and Detached.

What Candice was trying to get at was that you shouldn't let labels determine your self-worth.

A) People make fun of other people that haven't had sex because they're "incapable of attracting someone". These people are often called prudes or snobs. They are often pressured or ridiculed by their friends to have sex even if they're not ready. (note: This applies to people who choose not to have sex, people who haven't found the right person, etc.)

A good example of this is the 40 Year Old Virgin. We think of it as funny (Steve Carrell is pretty hilarious, I must say), but the ridicule of said "virgins" can lead to serious problems in our societies (more on this later),

B) People also make fun of people that have had sex, claiming that they're impure and have tainted thoughts. These people are called sluts, whores, skanks, tramps (all of which, by the way, are societal constructs- PSA about this later), and even prostitutes (another form of objectification). This usually only applies to women- guys that have lots of sex are called pimps and studs (laaame!). They're made fun of and looked down upon for having sex "too early" or having "too much sex". 

A good example of this is actually seen quite often and is called slut-shaming. The first thing a lot of people say to try and berate someone is "Wow, she's such a slut". Why is that supposed to be degrading? The person you are calling names may not have had sex, and even if they have, what does it matter? What has it got to do with you? You're the nasty one for measuring someone's self-worth by how much sex they have (and dude, they're getting laid by the freedom of their choice. WHY SHOULD YOU CARE? WHY IS THAT A BAD THING? Answer: IT ISN'T).

Note: Females, don't slut-shame other girls to make guys look down on them because you want the guys to notice you. 

C) People- often times heterosexual men, but this can apply to any gender and any sexual preference- will say they "want a virgin". Virgins are not "things". "Virgin" is just a label placed on people. IT DOES NOT MEASURE HOW MUCH YOU ARE WORTH AS A PERSON. YOU ARE NOT WORTH MORE OR LESS IF YOU ARE A VIRGIN OR NOT. YOU ARE NOT AN OBJECT. YOU ARE A PERSON.

The point is that the concept of virginity is archaic. When and how often you have sex is completely irrelevant to anybody else. YOUR BODY = YOUR CHOICE. Don't let people shame you for the conscious choices you make (and don't shame others for making choices either!!!).

So what's the point?

A) When people are pressured to have sex because they "don't want to be virgins", the rates of STIs (sexually transmitted infections) go up. More people act upon impulses, or try to prove to their friends that they aren't virgins, and end up having sex without getting tested or using protection. The more people have STIs and don't get treated, the more widespread it will be.

What's worse is that people could end up getting HIV, which turns to AIDS and ultimately has no cure. 

Note: Yo man, it's perfectly okay to be a virgin. There aren't any anti-virgin clubs, and if there are then they're stupid.

1 in 6 people in the world have HIV and are unaware of their infection. 

B) People- namely girls/women- end up getting scared of having sex because terms like "popping the cherry", "deflowering", "stretching out", "breaking the hymen", and (my personal favourite) "swiping the V-Card".

Now let's talk about sex for a bit- the "first time" in particular.

So you might be wondering, "Why am I going to listen to someone ramble on about virginity who hasn't had sex?"

...I have LOL (note: It's...cool. Not great. Not bad. I don't think he knew what he was doing. ANYWAY MOVING ON).

I'm going to talk about the female body, because it turns out that a lot of females have misconceptions ABOUT THEIR OWN BODIES! Even I used to believe in these falsities. This is because of the language we use to convey a misinterpreted message to youth.

The Hymen: Most people think that a hymen is a drum-like membrane that covers the vagina and has to be punctured or broken in order to lose your virginity/have sex. This is what supposedly causes the bleeding.

The truth: The above description is actually a rare condition and the doctor will need to perforate it for you. The hymen is actually a crescent-shaped membrane (in other words, it doesn't cover the whole opening AT ALL) that sits either right outside or just inside of the vagina. Some of them cover a bit more (or less) of the opening than others, which is perfectly normal!

SO the first time you have sex, you're actually not "popping" anything. You're really only just stretching the membrane!

So why is blood/bleeding associated with losing your virginity?

A lot of people are scared when they first have sex! This means that if you're not turned on enough (meaning that your body hasn't lubricated itself AKA "getting wet"), or if your partner goes too fast or too rough, you can end up tearing the membrane and THAT'S what causes the bleeding.

Furthermore, you can also tear your hymen if you play sports (ex. gymnastics), ride horses, dance (ex. ballet), masturbate, use tampons, use toys, etc.

BUT DON'T WORRY, the membrane reforms and it will stretch out the more you have sex/masturbate. If you choose to stop having sex, the membrane will go back to its original shape- should you decide to have sex again, you might need to go slow and take your time because it does have the ability to tear again.

Your hymen is your pal, and will stay with you forever! You don't lose anything (hence why "losing your virginity" is a stupid term and should be ignored)!

FACT: When I had sex I didn't bleed. I was really confused, but it turns out that it was because I took my time and didn't rush! Slow and steady wins the race, my friends. Aesop told a good fable. (note: if you're wondering, it was like a 5 out of 10 on the pain scale)

How should I prepare myself for my first time?

A) Get comfortable with yourself! You are the most important person in the world. Never forget that. Your rights and your comfort and your happiness should always come first. Studies have shown that when people have sex, they're not actually thinking about sex; they're thinking about how they look to the other person! Trust me, your partner is just happy that you're there, and they want you to have a good time too. The happier you are with your body, the better sex will be.

B) Foreplay: This is literally the greatest part because you get to kiss and cuddle and touch each other and whisper sweet things omg I LOVE IT. By doing this, your bodies will lubricate themselves and it'll be easier when it comes time for actual penetration.

C) Masturbate: This will help stretch the membrane and relax it.

D) Go slow: What's the rush? If you're doing it 30 minutes before your parents get home, you may want to reschedule- there's nothing worse than being in the middle of your WOOHOO and having someone interrupt. Going slow ensures that you have enough time to adjust to whatever you're doing (and you get to spend a lot of time with that person too, awe).

E) TALK TO YOUR PARTNER: Sex is only awkward if you make it awkward. Ask if they're okay. If you feel uncomfortable, tell them to stop. Let them know if you like something or not. DON'T PRETEND TO LIKE SOMETHING YOU DON'T because they'll keep doing it and then you'll get annoyed.

F) (Optional) Use lube. It'll make things slip and slide right in!

IF YOU CAN'T OPENLY TALK ABOUT SEX WITH YOUR PARTNER, YOU SHOULDN'T BE HAVING SEX.

How does language play a part in this?

A) More often than not, people describe their first time as someone "taking away their virginity".

NEWS FLASH: Nobody is taking anything from you. Your self-worth isn't tangible like money or clothes- no one has the right to take away your self-respect. Already, from the above term, we can see that sex is made out to be downright dehumanizing, when it really isn't!

B) When people shame women for having sex, they often say that "they have no self-respect". Self-respect is the respect you have for YOURSELF. You could suck a billion dicks or scissor a billion girls on your own terms and still have self-respect (hell, I would respect you man, teach me your waYS). Using someone's sex life against them is stupid; don't do it.

i) Boys, listen up. People are not your trophies. You are not cooler for having more sex. No one is throwing you a parade for your achievements. The word "stud" actually has no meaning because while society shames women for having lots of sex, it simultaneously praises boys for it (this is called double standards)! If you have sex, great- just don't be a douchebag about it.

Something to think about: If girls aren't supposed to have sex, but boys are supposed to have tons of sex, who are all the boys supposed to have sex with? Think about it.

C) "Popping the cherry" and "breaking the hymen" are quite violent if you think about it! It's literally no wonder why girls are so scared of having sex because the think it's going to be a big, painful, bloody mess. It won't be a messy bloodbath if you do it right.

D) Some heterosexual guys like to brag and say that a girl "is really tight" (your self-worth is not measured by how tight you are either, girls). If she's never had sex before this may be the case, BUT if they have sex regularly and she's still as tight as as he says she is, THAT MEANS SHE WASN'T TURNED ON ENOUGH. 

When a girl is turned on, their bodies will naturally lubricate themselves, and the vagina reacts in such a way that dilates and expands to accommodate a penis. Unless they guy is super huge, the girl shouldn't feel super tight!

So the next time a guy boasts and tells you his girlfriend is tight, he's probably doing something wrong. Feel free to call guys out with this- I do it all the time.

So in conclusion...

Losing your virginity = no. Instead, call it your INAUGURATION INTO INTIMACY (wordy, but it employs alliteration) (you could also use "Sex Debut", coined by Laci Green on YouTube).

Change your language! Don't bash people by using terms like "slut" and "whore". If you think someone is stupid, call them stupid! Don't use other words as synonyms!

You're cool if you've never had sex! You're cool if you have had sex! You're not cool if you make fun of someone because of either of them!

Oh, and please use protection, get tested for STIs, ask for consent, and always make conscious decisions! xx

Sources:

http://aids.gov/hiv-aids-basics/hiv-aids-101/statistics/

http://finallyfeminism101.wordpress.com/2010/04/04/what-is-slut-shaming/

If you want me to address a particular topic, or feel like I missed out on something important in any of my PSAs, let me know!